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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Fiancé told me he has gambling addiction.. now what?

192 replies

sosrol · 13/02/2024 09:23

Hi, desperately looking for advice / support please.

I'm 28 and my fiancé is 27, we live with his parents at the moment while we are saving for a house deposit (hoping to have saved enough by the summer)

He has always been careless with money and never seems to have a penny left by the end of the month so always asks me to lend him money, but will never miss a night out with his friends - even if he has no money, he would rather borrow money off someone than not go out.

He regularly gambles on slot games on his phone, I have no idea how these work and he has always told me that it's not gambling and that he is playing with fake money (I feel stupid now)

Last night he has admitted to me that he has a problem and has deleted all of these apps from his phone, he is spending hundreds on these games hence why he is always skint! It has only hit home for him when he recently got declined for a loan from the bank because of his habit.

My question is, what now? Where do we go from here? I support him through all of his problems but am now feeling deflated like it's one thing after another. Will he ever change and am I being selfish for considering ending the relationship over this when I should be supporting him? I feel awful.

OP posts:

Pumpkinpie1 · 13/02/2024 09:42

He can’t be trusted OP & that would be a dealbreaker.
Whist you’ve been living with your Parents-rent free , he’s been gambling away the money you are saving. He is more committed to the self gratification he gets from gambling than you. That won’t change.
Break up now before he plunges you into debt .

IcedPlum · 13/02/2024 09:43

You're not saving to buy , you are feeding his addiction. Get rid of him you deserve better.

Blughbablugh · 13/02/2024 09:44

Call gamcare on 0808 8020 133 they can offer support both to your fiance if he wants it and to you.

Sarahconnor1 · 13/02/2024 09:46

Like other posters i think he has told you because there is more to come.

if he has been declined a bank loan then getting a mortgage will be trickier.

Unhitch your wagon before you are tied to him.

Bonbon21 · 13/02/2024 09:47

This is as good as it will ever get.

THIS IS AS GOOD AS IT WILL EVER GET.

... and repeat!!!!

Don't do this to yourself.

MILTOBE · 13/02/2024 09:47

What I would do is look at your savings, figure out who paid in what and then work out what he owes you in other ways. I reckon there won't be anything left for him by then.

Then I'd use that money to get away from him. He's an immature, drunken gambler. You can do so much better than this. And yes, he might be nice at times - ALL of them are nice at times. You will probably find he's nicest when he wants something from you.

EasternStandard · 13/02/2024 09:47

Well you’re not married so that’s good

Don’t get married

MILTOBE · 13/02/2024 09:49

There's a reason why you have to show the last few bank statements when getting a mortgage. His lack of saving and the way he spends his money will ring massive alarm bells for any mortgage company.

Sicario · 13/02/2024 09:49

You say he regularly "borrows" from you.
Does he ever pay you back?

The money you have saved (and by this I mean YOUR contribution), is YOUR money. Take it back and put it into an account solely in your name.

Remove your name from anything that is "joint". (It is not joint - it is a source of money for a gambler.)

Do not marry him.
End it now.
Do not listen to his pleading, promises, and threats to harm himself.
All addicts are liars.

You cannot build a future with any kind of addict, regardless of what they promise. It is a road to misery. He will ruin your life. Financial irresponsibility is life-destroying.

Get out now. Get counselling if necessary to help you learn about healthy relationships and boundaries.

MaggieFS · 13/02/2024 09:51

Finish it, and definitely do not marry him. Then he would get half of everything.

Your relationship has been built on a lie, sadly.

It might be quite tough, but it will be the best plan for your future and you've got plenty of time to have an amazing happy future that doesn't involve him.

All the best.

GreatGateauxsby · 13/02/2024 09:51

Do not marry him, certainly do not have children with him and do break up with him.

the only reason to stay would be is if you want a lifetime of misery.

I say this based on my observed experience of family member's with gambler husbands.
Its the women and children who suffer most in all this. The layers of lies and fake promises is frankly gross.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/02/2024 09:51

You will be making the biggest mistake of your life if you stay with this man. He will ruin you. Tell him to go, right now.

Original poster

sosrol · 13/02/2024 09:54

Thanks all, from the comments I know what I have to do although it is difficult.

We have nothing joint, we are saving separately but were planning on putting them together so I know exactly how much I have put in

OP posts:

Winter2020 · 13/02/2024 09:55

If you want to stay with your partner at least buy your property alone, with your own deposit keeping him well out of it - out of all of your finances.

Check your credit report regularly to make sure he hasn't taken any loans in your name.

I remember reading a man telling his story as a gambling addict. He had a company credit card. He said he knew that the card was audited and if he used it to gamble then it would be game over for his job - he did it anyway because he could not control himself not to. (Yes he lost his very well paid job) I don't think bookies are allowed to take credit cards anymore- I hope not anyway.

If your partner is serious about getting on top of this addiction he will need to get rid of his smartphone - as his temptation is right there in his hand. He can get a non smart phone (just calls and texts)very cheaply from somewhere like Argos. He should also seek gambling support.

I fear he may have told you because he want your savings to pay off debt. If you do pay off any debt for him pay it direct to the company or person owed. Do not give money to your partner under the impression he will pay off a debt - he won't he will gamble the money. If he asks "don't you trust me?" the answer is "no!".

mafsfan · 13/02/2024 09:56

Move out of his parents asap. You don't need this hassle for the rest of your life.

MaggieFS · 13/02/2024 09:56

That's good news it's separate, can you use if for a deposit to rent your own place?

Original poster

sosrol · 13/02/2024 09:59

I don't have quite enough for a deposit for just myself yet, but houses are quite cheap in my area so it shouldn't take too long.

I can move back in with my parents if I need to, we have a great relationship. The only reason I moved in with his is because it was slightly closer to my job but only 20 minutes closer so not the end of the world

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 13/02/2024 10:01

sosrol · 13/02/2024 09:59

I don't have quite enough for a deposit for just myself yet, but houses are quite cheap in my area so it shouldn't take too long.

Honestly, leave today. I wish my cousin could tell you what her gambling addict ex did to her life. You would literally run away from your partner if you knew how bad it can get.

iOoOOoOi · 13/02/2024 10:01

The only reason I moved in with his is because it was slightly closer to my job but only 20 minutes closer so not the end of the world

Hmm not a promising start then!

Mrsttcno1 · 13/02/2024 10:03

I agree with a poster above about contacting Gamcare- both him & you, they can provide support!

If he has been declined for a bank loan due to it, he’s also going to be declined for a mortgage, so your plans of buying in the summer are gone.

DH & I are also in our 20’s and honestly it is terrifying how many people our age, especially men, are hooked on gambling. The virtual slots are arguably one of the worst to gamble on as well because at least with football bets or horse racing bets you can only lose money when there is a match/race on. The slots are 24/7 and they are honestly evil, you can pay anything from 50p a spin right up to £50 a spin and obviously the more you pay per spin, the higher the “jack pot” is. We know 2 lads who won BIG on the slots, one won £14k and another won £11k, both had none of that money left a month later because it just ends up straight back on more spins.

It is really hard, but honestly if you want to buy a house and feel settled, have a life partner etc, leave now. It is incredibly difficult to get over and you don’t want to spend your life policing his finances x

Original poster

sosrol · 13/02/2024 10:03

@iOoOOoOi no I mean that's why we chose to live with his parents while saving instead of mine, I should have worded that better!

OP posts:

SecondUsername4me · 13/02/2024 10:07

Separate. It's easy now, hard as it appears. It's never going to be easier to leave. If you stay, it will break you.

MILTOBE · 13/02/2024 10:10

Well, I'd move back to my parents' house asap in your position. You can't think of a life with a gambler.

Kelly51 · 13/02/2024 10:11

@sosrol
There's a thread running where the OP, married with DC, has been confronted with her DHs £130k gambling debt and is potentially losing her home, don't be that person.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 13/02/2024 10:11

Use your savings to get yourself somewhere to live well away from him. He knows you have them and wants them.

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