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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fiancé told me he has gambling addiction.. now what?

192 replies

sosrol · 13/02/2024 09:23

Hi, desperately looking for advice / support please.

I'm 28 and my fiancé is 27, we live with his parents at the moment while we are saving for a house deposit (hoping to have saved enough by the summer)

He has always been careless with money and never seems to have a penny left by the end of the month so always asks me to lend him money, but will never miss a night out with his friends - even if he has no money, he would rather borrow money off someone than not go out.

He regularly gambles on slot games on his phone, I have no idea how these work and he has always told me that it's not gambling and that he is playing with fake money (I feel stupid now)

Last night he has admitted to me that he has a problem and has deleted all of these apps from his phone, he is spending hundreds on these games hence why he is always skint! It has only hit home for him when he recently got declined for a loan from the bank because of his habit.

My question is, what now? Where do we go from here? I support him through all of his problems but am now feeling deflated like it's one thing after another. Will he ever change and am I being selfish for considering ending the relationship over this when I should be supporting him? I feel awful.

OP posts:
buttercupcake · 13/02/2024 12:29

Consider yourself extremely lucky that you’re finding this out now, before you’re married / have kids / share finances.

Please run a mile. This may be hard to do but will cause you less heart ache in the long run.

You have seriously dodged a bullet.

thedancingparrot · 13/02/2024 12:33

Unless you want to be legally responsible for 50% of his debt do not marry this man child.

marriage is a legally binding contract - the wedding is just a big (& often expensive) party.

TeaGinandFags · 13/02/2024 12:36

You haven't lent him money: you gave it to him and you will never see it again.

Keep your savings in your sole name and never lend him another penny. It's your turn to be a bit skint.

Living with his parents is a bit dicey so try and get out of tbat house before you get out of the relationship. Get your stuff as far away from there as fast as you can otherwise it'll go missing. Addicts don't only lie, they steal.

Original poster
sosrol · 13/02/2024 12:42

Thanks everybody, some very sensible and helpful comments here again.

Just to clarify, when I lend him money he does always pay it back to me as soon as he gets paid without fail. But it's the principle of it, I shouldn't have to lend him money just because he isn't able to manage his own

OP posts:
MCOut · 13/02/2024 12:46

This can be overcome, but you’ve got to decide if you want to put effort into someone who might not be able to do it. You’re young and you don’t have to. That said this is something that can be overcome, if the person is willing.

There are things you can do. Sit him down, get all the sites he uses and the major ones. On all of them get him to login and there will be a facility to stop him from being able to login for X time. You can set it to forever or X amount of years. It shouldn’t be reversible. I think there’s also a register you can add him to which again will prevent him from being able to set up accounts on UK sites at least so you’re covered on 2 fronts. There might even be two registers. For most of these things he would’ve had to sign up with ID.

Mischance · 13/02/2024 12:50

If you marry this man you will have a lifetime of problems - uncertainty, mistrust. I think you should end it now while is it easier.

Pumpkinpie1 · 13/02/2024 12:54

This young man is just not ready for marriage or any kind of commitment OP. He might be fun but he’s not life partner material.
You might love him but that’s not enough to cure his gambling addiction and his selfishness.
You OP need to look again at your words, what would you be advising a friend if this was happening to her?
Cut your losses OP and look for a grown up. You’ve wasted enough time on this ManChild x

MariaVT65 · 13/02/2024 13:01

MCOut · 13/02/2024 12:46

This can be overcome, but you’ve got to decide if you want to put effort into someone who might not be able to do it. You’re young and you don’t have to. That said this is something that can be overcome, if the person is willing.

There are things you can do. Sit him down, get all the sites he uses and the major ones. On all of them get him to login and there will be a facility to stop him from being able to login for X time. You can set it to forever or X amount of years. It shouldn’t be reversible. I think there’s also a register you can add him to which again will prevent him from being able to set up accounts on UK sites at least so you’re covered on 2 fronts. There might even be two registers. For most of these things he would’ve had to sign up with ID.

Nope!!! Don’t do this op. His parents can be the ones to try and help them, but not you.

Run for the hills op. You will never be able to trust him with paying half the mortgage and bills. What if you want kids? You’d need to possibly depend on him financially during mat leave. He’s lied to you. Find someone better. Move out asap.

weredormouse · 13/02/2024 13:02

Just to add the perspective of a problem gambler’s partner on the post recommending site blockers etc…

Any changes that he makes will need to come from him. Until someone is ready to genuinely admit they have a gambling problem, they will only pay lip service (at best) to engaging with anything useful.

Being the “gatekeeper” adds an uncomfortably parental dimension to a relationship which should be between equals.

The blockers are useful but not infallible. I know because I deliberately set out to break them, as a test. It took me less than 60 seconds with the first one. They’re a tool, not a solution.

Absolutely agree about pointing him in the direction of some support for his problem. He clearly needs it and has a few things to address. But that’s ultimately his job.

AdoraBell · 13/02/2024 13:05

You are not selfish at all and don’t marry him or buy a house with him. You will be dragged down with him and if you have children they will suffer.

DorisDoesDoncaster · 13/02/2024 13:17

He won’t be able to get a mortgage or go on the deeds. Mortgage co will get him to sign a doc saying that he has no claim on the property. You will need to be solely responsible for the mortgage. Only your earnings will be considered.

as all others above have said - don’t do it. Run for the hills before he drags you down with him.

Toddlerteaplease · 13/02/2024 13:20

notknowledgeable · 13/02/2024 09:24

DO NOT MARRY HIM

This

ZekeZeke · 13/02/2024 13:24

Why did he suddenly come clean?
I reckon his debts are bigger than you can possibly imagine.
You sound like a sensible woman, you take your money, go to your parents, continue to save and get your own place.
You will NEVER know a mi uses peace if you stay with him.

Badburyrings · 13/02/2024 13:27

There was a post on here recently about a lady who was married with kids I think who found out her husband was in debt to the tune of about £150k from gambling addiction. It sounded like she was totally and utterly screwed because of it. I would walk away sooner rather than later as I can't see how he is ever going to grow up enough to be responsible around money and finances.

Crikeyalmighty · 13/02/2024 13:29

@Badburyrings this was deleted as it appears to be a troll-

weredormouse · 13/02/2024 13:35

Crikeyalmighty · 13/02/2024 13:29

@Badburyrings this was deleted as it appears to be a troll-

So annoying that trolls would do this. Discredits where it’s really happened. And it does happen. Grrr.

Janelle7 · 13/02/2024 13:40

Christ dont marry him!!! Give him his share of the savings back and get your own place. If he why is he taking out a loan if youre saving for a house?! He cant get a loan let alone a mortgage.

be warned. This will end badly and he will drag you down with him

Meadowfinch · 13/02/2024 13:46

You postpone the wedding and pull out of buying a house with him.

You make it clear he stops completely now, and seeks professional help.

He has one chance. If he starts gambling again, you walk away. Or he will drag you down.

Original poster
sosrol · 13/02/2024 14:16

Thanks everyone (sorry to keep repeating myself but I am genuinely grateful for the comments and I have read them all)

The reason that he came clean is apparently because of getting declined for the loan, it hit home to him that using the gambling apps etc is actually causing problems.

He has deleted the apps and is very upset today promising he'll change and that he will never do it again, and that a life with me is more important etc.

However, after reading these comments and experiences I'm not sure how much I believe of it all to be honest!

OP posts:
Original poster
sosrol · 13/02/2024 14:37

@chesman hi, I just wanted to acknowledge your comment and thank you for sharing your own experience.

I agree that having an addiction does not make you a bad person and I'm so glad that you managed to turn your life around, you should be proud.

Take care and all the best x

OP posts:
blueyavocado · 13/02/2024 14:40

sosrol · 13/02/2024 09:23

Hi, desperately looking for advice / support please.

I'm 28 and my fiancé is 27, we live with his parents at the moment while we are saving for a house deposit (hoping to have saved enough by the summer)

He has always been careless with money and never seems to have a penny left by the end of the month so always asks me to lend him money, but will never miss a night out with his friends - even if he has no money, he would rather borrow money off someone than not go out.

He regularly gambles on slot games on his phone, I have no idea how these work and he has always told me that it's not gambling and that he is playing with fake money (I feel stupid now)

Last night he has admitted to me that he has a problem and has deleted all of these apps from his phone, he is spending hundreds on these games hence why he is always skint! It has only hit home for him when he recently got declined for a loan from the bank because of his habit.

My question is, what now? Where do we go from here? I support him through all of his problems but am now feeling deflated like it's one thing after another. Will he ever change and am I being selfish for considering ending the relationship over this when I should be supporting him? I feel awful.

My partner said he had a gambling addiction before meeting me he said that Gamstop really helped him as he can no longer place any bets and has a permanent ban from gambling

reesewithoutaspoon · 13/02/2024 14:42

If you're supposed to be saving. Why was he applying for a loan?. That would affect your mortgage eligibility amount

ginasevern · 13/02/2024 15:05

Run for the hills OP and don't make the same mistake I did. House repossessed, my salary evaporating, me walking round with holes in my shoes and losing every bit of self respect I ever had. If I could talk to the younger me (an attractive, intelligent girl with a promising future) I would tell her to leave now. So, I'm telling you and hoping you will see the sense that I didn't.

bearcubb · 13/02/2024 15:11

Some of these responses make me sad. My husband used to be a gambling addict and has been in recovery for over 4 years. In this time he has really turned his life around. Got help, sorted payment plans. Got a couple of promotions now earning an extra 15k which helped pay off the debt which is now all gone and we only have savings. He really has turned his life around, doesn't go out drinking and prefers to take the kids to the park/football. Everyday makes an effort. He did everything possible to make sure he wouldn't gamble again but it had to come from him and he did it.

theeyeshaveit82 · 13/02/2024 15:14

sosrol · 13/02/2024 09:36

Thanks all. We've had disagreements in the past about other things, for example his idea of fun is going out with the boys every weekend and getting drunk (which I enjoy too) but not every single weekend. I enjoy to do other stuff like weekends away, walks, things that don't involve alcohol. He is very child like in that sense as if hes still 18!

I feel like this has just topped it all off

If a gambling addiction and lying has “topped it off” goodness knows what else is going on in this circus of engagement