Fiancé told me he has gambling addiction.. now what?

[sosrol]

Hi, desperately looking for advice / support please.

I'm 28 and my fiancé is 27, we live with his parents at the moment while we are saving for a house deposit (hoping to have saved enough by the summer)

He has always been careless with money and never seems to have a penny left by the end of the month so always asks me to lend him money, but will never miss a night out with his friends - even if he has no money, he would rather borrow money off someone than not go out.

He regularly gambles on slot games on his phone, I have no idea how these work and he has always told me that it's not gambling and that he is playing with fake money (I feel stupid now)

Last night he has admitted to me that he has a problem and has deleted all of these apps from his phone, he is spending hundreds on these games hence why he is always skint! It has only hit home for him when he recently got declined for a loan from the bank because of his habit.

My question is, what now? Where do we go from here? I support him through all of his problems but am now feeling deflated like it's one thing after another. Will he ever change and am I being selfish for considering ending the relationship over this when I should be supporting him? I feel awful.

Have a look at the recent post where the OP tells us her husband has gambled away at least £130,000 and fraudulently put her name on joint loans etc. DON’T BE HER.

That turned out to be a fake thread, @Kelly51, but there are tons of women around the country going through the same thing.

He's been declined a loan due to his gambling. ( What was the loan for? Was it to gamble with?. ) You won't be able to get a joint mortgage anytime soon. He's already damaged your future plans.

Separate yourself financially from this man so he can't damage your future.
You are young, you have plenty of time, there is no rush to marry this man and shackle yourself to someone who will only bring you stress and grief.

Gambling is a really hard addiction to beat. It's really easy to join casinos online, he will be getting constant spam email from gambling sites now he is on their radar.
There are tools to help like betblocker, self exclusion etc gamcare has the details. But there is nothing stopping him from going into a bookies with cash and playing slots there. They find a way.

My ex (now passed away) was a gambler. It was a factor which destroyed our marriage along with the lies and other stuff that tagged along with it.

Get out now whilst you can.

Yes that's a cautionary tale well worth reading @sosrol

Please don't tie yourself to this extremely financially irresponsible and immature man. It would be awful to have children and a home with him.

He won’t be able to get a mortgage with any gambling deposits on his bank statements anyway.

He will ruin your life and leave you destitute if you marry him. Run very, very far away.

I would be looking to leave him ASAP.

I am a recovering gambler, haven't gambled for nearly 7 years now. My problem was online gambling, sports betting in particular (phone / laptop). I signed up to GAMSTOP where I barred myself for 5 years and it basically stopped 'me' in my tracks, I say 'me' as it's not fool proof and there are offshore (dodgy) gambling sites to get your fix if you so choose but I didn't follow that path and for that I consider myself lucky. Once my 5 years expired I logged in and barred myself for another 5 years - I will keep doing this.

I almost lost my house (thankfully stopped in time) and after about 3 years I was back on an even keel and now have money saved, almost paid off mortgage etc. Unfortunately lost my partner and will never get that back and that is my one big regret in all of this.

I just wanted to add a bit of equilibrium to this conversation, I'm not a bad person / nightmare I just got sucked in thanks to modern technology and the 24/7 availability of gambling - would I have called myself an addict at the time? Absolutely not, Would I consider myself one now? Yes and I'll always consider myself recovering.

Comments like 'they'll never change' are not useful or correct but I would agree you need to keep your wits about you if you decide to stay and accept no bullish*t and I would avoid being financially linked to this person until there was some sort of trust gained. Another thing to watch out for if you stick around is that after a few months of abstaining complacency kicks in and you tend to forget what the fuss was about - it's REAL and needs treating that way.

Take care in whatever you choose and do what's best for YOU not anyone else.

Op, move back to your parents today. Even if you're not quite ready to break up (although anybody would advise you too!!), you have an easy way to get out and give yourself space.

You're not moving on with your life with him because of his addiction so he can't save anything to get you further towards your own home. His addiction is his issue and it's not your responsibility to help him through - especially at 28!

Point him in the direction of support and help and leave him to get himself sorted. If he wants you and a life with you he'll take it and start making progress. If he doesn't, then you know. However - absolutely no more loans, support or anything from you. Your money is for your life and you need to protect yourself.

good luck OP xx

I’d consider this an early warning and an opportunity to get out now, OP. Gambling addiction is a very sticky one. My partner didn’t start gambling until we were married and I was pregnant (and I didn’t find out until years later). It’s much harder to leave with two kids and a LOT of debt.

I’m so sorry you’ve had this to deal with - be kind to yourself while you deal with the emotional fallout. You can access support from your local provider as an Affected Other (a label I’m not thrilled to wear, but I’ll take the free counselling and support groups…)

Good luck to you - I hope things improve.

@chesman
That was a good post. It admirable that you have got back on track. You are correct that gamblers aren't always 'bad' people. The gambling industry is evil. Everything is designed to trap you and make you addicted.

I still think the OP should give up on this relationship. She is too young and the guy doesn't sound like a great catch even if he wasn't a gambler. Unfortunately we can't know if he will find the strength to free himself from his addiction.

My fil is an alcoholic. He's in a relationship with a woman who has to manage him as though he were a child.

Addicts are very high maintenence. They are liars, they will steal and they are really good at putting on the waterworks when they get caught out.

You will spend the rest of your life with him always second guessing him. Never knowing if he is telling the truth. You will always come second to the addiction. You'll end up enabling him for an easy life.

Life will be miserable for you. And any children you have will be victims of his neglect too.

He's given you an out. Take it and count your lucky stars you found out before marrying and procreating.

@iOoOOoOi thanks, and yes I agree with you that all things should be considered (not just the gambling). Perhaps the option to support is more applicable to those a little older and slightly more invested.

@sosrol I would also encourage you to look at the 'Family and Friends' forum on the Gamcare website, that will give you a bit more insight.

It's good that you have discovered this now before you tie yourself to him financially. This relationship has no future, you know what you need to do.

You're so young. Youth though is fleeting. I look back and wonder where the time went but, as consolation, I do this from a large detached house, happily married. and with a very healthy investment portfolio. Please don't waste your youth on this man who will drag you down. Like other posters have said this is likely the tip of the iceberg. I can't see any bank mortgage in his near future.

Thankfully you found out before you are too tied to him. Whether you end the relationship or not you is your business although it is certainly something I would advise. He never wants to miss a night out etc, that will not change if you buy a house or have kids.

The first thing that you need to do is check your credit score in case he has taken out loans/credit cards in your name. You need to redirect all post to your parents house even if you do not move back. Do not let him borrow your credit card nor loan him any money. Keep an eye on your credit score.

RUN

Please listen to all the wise words PPs have written OP. Get out now while you can.

Men like this give a few grains of truth when they have no other choice. The situation is likely much worse than anything he tells you.

Do not be surprised if the next revelation is that he owes money to someone very unsavoury and that he has been threatened with violence, or worse, unless you use your savings to’save him’.

He will promise the earth - he will change, he has come to his senses, he did it for you two! He was going to win a fortune for you! He will get help. It’s all lies.

Do not be fooled.

Never date or marry a project.

I mean this, women overall are much kinder than men and honesty it’s why overall many of my friends have had problems with men.

Put yourself first.

and there you have it. he isn't a partner, he is a drain. He COULD have stepped up and prioritised you and your future together. He chose gambling.
You will forever worry that he's gambling again, your savings will ALWAYS need to be out of his reach.

That is no way to live.

Move out, give him back his contribution and carry on saving for your own home.

I support him through all of his problems but am now feeling deflated like it's one thing after another

Relationships should not be this difficult.

I'd leave him. You sound incompatible.

You should leave him to save yourself from a miserable future. If you are hesitating because you feel sorry for him, bear in mind that it's possible that leaving him will also make him save himself. His addiction probably seems manageable to him at the moment because you and his family are mitigating the consequences. He may need a 'rock bottom' experience to turn him around.

He has an addiction.
He's lied to you.
He prioritises going out / drinking / his mates over saving for your future.
He's generally rubbish with money.
He's probably not able to get a mortgage.
You would spend your whole life not knowing if you could trust him.
Even if he stopped gambling, you wouldn't know for sure, you wouldn't know if and when he'd start again. You would always be on edge.
You'd never be able to trust him with money.
He may never stop gambling. He could get a lot worse.

Please leave him.

I think the gambling is actually the lesser of the issues here. He has had a wake up, whether he takes this forward or not is anyones guess but there is help out there and for a lot of people this will be enough to turn it around. You need to protect yourself though - if you ever have a life together, you need to be in control of all finances and he has very very limited access.

More concerning is that he is generally irresponsible and will not limit what he does when he does not have the money to do it. That is more of a personality thing and I dont see that ending up anywhere good.

I was going to highlight this too. It's devastating to read big you're having any doubts OP go find that thread and read it. Bookmark and return as often as you need to remind yourself of how awful this could be.