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Original poster

Fiancé told me he has gambling addiction.. now what?

192 replies

sosrol · 13/02/2024 09:23

Hi, desperately looking for advice / support please.

I'm 28 and my fiancé is 27, we live with his parents at the moment while we are saving for a house deposit (hoping to have saved enough by the summer)

He has always been careless with money and never seems to have a penny left by the end of the month so always asks me to lend him money, but will never miss a night out with his friends - even if he has no money, he would rather borrow money off someone than not go out.

He regularly gambles on slot games on his phone, I have no idea how these work and he has always told me that it's not gambling and that he is playing with fake money (I feel stupid now)

Last night he has admitted to me that he has a problem and has deleted all of these apps from his phone, he is spending hundreds on these games hence why he is always skint! It has only hit home for him when he recently got declined for a loan from the bank because of his habit.

My question is, what now? Where do we go from here? I support him through all of his problems but am now feeling deflated like it's one thing after another. Will he ever change and am I being selfish for considering ending the relationship over this when I should be supporting him? I feel awful.

OP posts:
theeyeshaveit82 · 13/02/2024 15:14

bearcubb · 13/02/2024 15:11

Some of these responses make me sad. My husband used to be a gambling addict and has been in recovery for over 4 years. In this time he has really turned his life around. Got help, sorted payment plans. Got a couple of promotions now earning an extra 15k which helped pay off the debt which is now all gone and we only have savings. He really has turned his life around, doesn't go out drinking and prefers to take the kids to the park/football. Everyday makes an effort. He did everything possible to make sure he wouldn't gamble again but it had to come from him and he did it.

we’re you engaged to him when you found out / he admitted it?

Or were you already married with children?

reesewithoutaspoon · 13/02/2024 15:15

Honestly apart from the gambling he just doesn't sound like a partner you would be able to rely on. Hes financially irresponsible. It's ok to go on a night out when you are saving. But borrowing money to do that shows he puts his wants above everything else. He just doesn't sound mature enough
Do you really want a future where all the financial responsibility is on you. Does he help in the home or does his mum still cook and clean for him? Does he expect you to be his replacement mum when you are married.
What about kids? Would he be an equal partner or would you be left holding the baby while he went out with his mates and acted like a single man.
It doesn't matter how much you love him or he claims to love you. Look at his actions.
You only have to glance at the relationship board to see post after post of women wanting to leave their marriages because they resent their feckless partners who have left them to carry the load

ginasevern · 13/02/2024 15:24

bearcubb · 13/02/2024 15:11

Some of these responses make me sad. My husband used to be a gambling addict and has been in recovery for over 4 years. In this time he has really turned his life around. Got help, sorted payment plans. Got a couple of promotions now earning an extra 15k which helped pay off the debt which is now all gone and we only have savings. He really has turned his life around, doesn't go out drinking and prefers to take the kids to the park/football. Everyday makes an effort. He did everything possible to make sure he wouldn't gamble again but it had to come from him and he did it.

Was he also going out every weekend getting drunk with his mates though?

theeyeshaveit82 · 13/02/2024 15:27

@bearcubb

what you advise your daughter if she came to you and told you exactly the OP and follow up posts?

Original poster
sosrol · 13/02/2024 15:28

@theeyeshaveit82 just the things that I mentioned in the comment that you quoted?

OP posts:
theeyeshaveit82 · 13/02/2024 15:34

is what i’m saying genuinely not clear Op?

Luluissleeping · 13/02/2024 15:35

Do not marry him. Leave him. You will regret marrying him. (Also, if he has bad credit you may not get a mortgage.)

EveryOtherNameTaken · 13/02/2024 15:40

Run. He's a liability to himself already, don't let him become yours.

You will never trust him and how can you (if you want to) have children with him.

He is not going to get any better. He's had an opportunity to save while living at home and gambles instead. And as for the loan.... while 'saving'. Get the fuck out now.

theeyeshaveit82 · 13/02/2024 15:40

OP if you’re going to end this circus, which is obviously the wise choice, it’s going to have to be you that moves out. So use the couple of k savings to sort yourself out. pronto

Original poster
sosrol · 13/02/2024 15:45

Yes I could move back to my parents house and wouldn't have to touch my savings, so could continue to save as I'm doing.

It'll take longer by myself, but then atleast it's all mine and wouldn't have to worry!

OP posts:
theeyeshaveit82 · 13/02/2024 15:46

sosrol · 13/02/2024 15:45

Yes I could move back to my parents house and wouldn't have to touch my savings, so could continue to save as I'm doing.

It'll take longer by myself, but then atleast it's all mine and wouldn't have to worry!

was this rental deposit or purchase

So… are you going to move out?

CharlieUniformNovemberTangoYankee · 13/02/2024 15:48

Why is he taking out a loan when he's supposed to be saving for a mortgage? To pay off gambling debts perhaps?

In any event, it's good that you've found out about the gambling before setting up home together. It sounds like you made a very sensible decision to keep your savings separate and an even better one to walk away now.

Mickeymix · 13/02/2024 15:49

It seems from your updates that you have decided to separate from him, good.
I was a gambler, I did trades on stockmarket. Real longshots. Those flaky companies now are not allowed to operate as they did. So I am saved.
There is much to be said for 'steady' and 'safe', even 'boring'. Good luck. He will never change. I haven't really.
ps I can get you some BitCoin at good price😉

MooseBeTimeForSnow · 13/02/2024 15:49

I’d get him to do a credit check. The results might be quite revealing. And if he won’t agree to that? It tells you a lot.

LifeExperience · 13/02/2024 15:51

Leave. Otherwise you are setting yourself up for a very difficult life. He is in no way mature enough to be a husband and father. My first "d"h couldn't handle money. He ended up having a miserable life and filing for bankruptcy at least once. I got calls from his creditors for years after the divorce. Save yourself.

notknowledgeable · 13/02/2024 15:55

sosrol · 13/02/2024 15:45

Yes I could move back to my parents house and wouldn't have to touch my savings, so could continue to save as I'm doing.

It'll take longer by myself, but then atleast it's all mine and wouldn't have to worry!

Is that what you are going to do?

MissPeachyKeen · 13/02/2024 16:05

I couldn't/ wouldn't legally & financially tie myself to anybody with a gambling addiction, even if the committed to treatment.

Whether I could end the relationship i don't know :/

You sound like you have your head screwed on @sosrol so just want to say sorry for what you're going through x

Pumpkinpie1 · 13/02/2024 16:34

OP it seems very ONesided relationship. You doing all the saving and bailing him out and him ….. trying to get a secret loan - to cover his debts or pretend he’s been saving too?
Something stinks OP what’s he not telling you

Elderado · 13/02/2024 16:41

Put the wedding on hold. Encourage him to get help and start to extricate yourself from this relationship. At least you know now & not after you are married to him.

Original poster
sosrol · 13/02/2024 16:46

Sorry all, I think I drip fed a bit with the loan. It wasn't a loan for his debts, his car needs repairs so it was more of an overdraft type of thing he was trying to get to be able to pay for it. He was open about calling the bank for this etc, when they declined it apparently hit home for him.

Can I also add, I didn't even really know about this until yesterday! He's not an extreme gambler (right now anyway) meaning he doesn't have thousands of debts etc. He just uses those silly gambling apps and goes on the slot machines when he's out, where he is obviously losing a couple hundred pounds a month and leaving himself short, I feel like I've encouraged this which I am annoyed at because I'll always lend him money when he's short and then he'll pay me back once he gets paid and then repeat. I'm not bailing him out again, if he's spent all of his money then he's going to have to go to he rest of the month with nothing

OP posts:
Newestname002 · 13/02/2024 16:54

sosrol · 13/02/2024 09:26

@theeyeshaveit82 we have saved a couple of grand, I say 'we' it's mainly me with a small contribution from him. He doesn't have access to the savings

Very wise that he has no access to what is, primarily, your money.

  • Do you know much much he's actually contributed to those savings?
  • How much does he owe you that you've lent him.

The future with a gambling addict (note the word addict), who's also a liar is not a reliable one. Imagine if you did get enough to buy your own home in the distant future, could you trust him to be financially prudent and not throw your money away? How would that work if you had children. Children start expensive and just get more do as they get older.

You have a chance to take stock, look into your future and decide whether to couple your life with this man. 🌹

Newestname002 · 13/02/2024 17:00

ginasevern · 13/02/2024 15:05

Run for the hills OP and don't make the same mistake I did. House repossessed, my salary evaporating, me walking round with holes in my shoes and losing every bit of self respect I ever had. If I could talk to the younger me (an attractive, intelligent girl with a promising future) I would tell her to leave now. So, I'm telling you and hoping you will see the sense that I didn't.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I hope you're in a better place now? 🌹

Opentooffers · 13/02/2024 17:09

I think you will find that while you have saved a couple of thousand, he has not only nothing saved but also more debt than you realise. For car repairs it would be more sensible to use a credit card, then pay off gradually, however, don't be surprised if it turns out that any credit cards he has are maxed out. A loan would be the next option to take, but he may well have already been turned down on the basis of his credit card debt. A last desperate option is overdraft as that would be higher interest to pay back - other than payday loans, which should never be entered into.
If he has been turned down at every option, his gambling is most likely worse than you know. I am assuming that you are saving for a rent deposit as even in cheap areas 10's of thousands are usually required to buy, unless a shared ownership maybe. His credit score is probably in its boots and I doubt he would be considered for a mortgage.
When you add all that to having different interests in how you spend your weekends, you sound incompatible on many levels.
You will get nearer to your goal of your own place sooner living with your parents. I'll bet he has more debt than you currently have in savings, so as a couple he is dragging you backwards.

theeyeshaveit82 · 13/02/2024 17:10

ok so from update… you’re not going to leave him 🤷‍♀️

Validus · 13/02/2024 17:16

It always starts small. It ends in broken relationships, bankruptcies and despair. The gambling industry is a parasite and will take everything.

He does not prioritise you, he lies, he does not centre you in his life, he is financially irresponsible, and you are too young to hitch your wagon to someone like that.

Deleting apps is nothing. It’s only seconds to download them again and he will as soon as he gets the itch.

If you want to try and make it work - he needs a serious time out and to take a deep look at his behaviours and attitudes. If he understands the problem, he’ll get a dumb phone and will sign up to GamStop.

Even if he does - wait at least two years more before marrying him to make sure he has really changed his behaviour. And do a forensic deep dive on his spending before you legally link yourself to him.