Is it reasonable to charge my partner rent?

[Butterflygypsy]

I'm an older mum with grown up children and have been divorced for a few years. I'm very fortunate in owning my own home and the mortgage is paid off, so I don't have that expense to worry about. I live on my own. I don't earn much so my home is my only real asset.

I have a lovely partner who earns more than me and he's always rented so he doesn't own any property. He's thinking of moving in with me but he thinks it's reasonable that he pays half of the gas, electricity, council tax, etc, but no extra to cover the maintenance of the flat. I think he should pay more than just half the utility costs as he'll be saving money on rent where he currently lives and he will be causing wear and tear by being in the house. He doesn't think he should pay towards the upkeep of the flat as its my flat.

Am I being unreasonable?

He'd be nuts to move in with you - it would be a big risk for him and there are too many red flags.
If I was thinking of moving in with a boyfriend and he raised the notion of rent, tenancy agreements, etc. I'd see him as stingy and grabby and would back away quickly.
My SIL has refused to move in with her long term partner of 15 years because she has a council property and would never get another if she gave it up.
He's better off where he is, and your focus on money would be deeply unattractive and off putting.

I agree that half of the bills seems reasonable if OP has no mortgage or rental costs, but I think the red flags are more to do with him to be honest. He’s worked out that he can save money by not paying rent and is already saying that he won’t pay toward the upkeep of the property because she owns it. That doesn’t scream commitment to a long term relationship any more than a tenancy agreement does.

I don’t think OP’s attitude is either stingy or grabby - I think she’s trying to protect herself and her home, because even if not married and not on deeds/mortgage of the property, her partner would have some rights after a couple of years living there. I have a friend who, in similar circumstances, split up with her live in partner and ended up having to take out a mortgage to pay him £10,000 after he obtained a court judgement against her. A tenancy agreement, even with a token peppercorn rent, would provide her with some protection - at least until they are sure they’re committed to each other.

Something similar happened to me - slightly different in that we are an older couple. I met my partner a couple of years after I was widowed and he was estranged from his daughter when we met - had been for years after a bitter divorce. No other children, and when we moved in together a couple of years later, it was just the two of us.

Daughter rocked up after we settled in and wanted contact with her dad again. All fine for a while - I got on well with her. Until the reason for contact became clear. Turned out she and her flat share mates were being evicted after there had been some kind of trouble, and her mother had refused to have her back. I was lucky, in that my partner was as resolute as myself that she couldn’t move in, and we helped her find a bed sit. But it could have been the source of so much trouble.

This is all very well when you’re madly in love and blissfully happy. But if things turn sour further down the road, that contribution to the new kitchen could very well be the source of the home owner having to take out a loan to pay off the ex because he/she has contributed to the upkeep of the property, thereby establishing a financial interest in it. Whereas a tenancy agreement provides a rental payment which could be used for the upkeep with substantially reduced risk to the actual owner.

True, but usually these situations (at least on MN) are from the other point of view - a woman moving into a man's home. And the recommendation usually is that if the man is trying to protect himself and his home, then it's a red flag.
Either way, I think if anyone is thinking along these lines it's probably just better not to move in together.
The person who owns the assett is taking a risk of potentially losing some of it by letting someone else in, but the other person is taking the risk of potentially being homeless at some point too.

I hear what you're saying but I'm not sure you're being completely fair tbh. Unfortunately life experience has made me focus on money to a degree because all is good when everything is going well but when it isn't money can become a huge focus. I've never said I've wanted him to be worse off than he is now to my benefit, I just wanted a situation which is fair to us both.

As it is I don't plan on having him move in so it's a moot point.

I think half the bills are fine. It can be fine in the form of a lodger agreement.

No, wear and tear on the house you own is petty. You are the owner and would pay for that anyway, the same as if you had a lodger.

If he gets to save a bit extra, that is fine, he is still paid for by himself. You have to balance that he is your bf and that you are having him stay because you want his company not because you need any profit from him.

You should make sure that you are more or less in no worse position than if he did not live with you.

Just read that it is a moot point. Honestly you are right. He has no assets from what you say. Men or woman with a lot less really are a risk.

I don’t think posters understand the legal ramifications of someone contributing to the house wear and tear, new kitchen etc. You own the asset and keep it as a lodger agreement - you cannot have it both ways. Calculate half the bills but do not agree it in those terms, bill that amount approx in the form of a lodger agreement. They get their own room for their stuff, regardless of where they sleep. The rest of the house is your stuff. They have use of the house but they do not add furniture to anywhere but their room. Written agreement.

Surely this is where you need a cohabitation agreement? I'm not a legal person though so may be talking rubbish!

Regardless of the whys and wherefores,
Regardless of what he pays,
With him arguing the toss about money then its become a financial issue to him.
If you eventually MARRY, then EVERYTHING becomes HALF HIS!!!!!!!
This could be his game plan.

You MUST go for COUNSELLING!!!!!
To make sure you want HIM!!!!!
HE will eventually make sure youre emotionally locked - in. Then hes quids in.
Get A Lodger agreement drawn up( to protect yourself) it will be worth its weight in GOLD!!!!
Forget the ' emotional element'. MEN ALWAYS DO!!!!!!!
You will thank me later.

The 'get your name on the deeds' posts generally come when there is a joint child involved and the mother is planning to be a SAHM. Not in cases like the OP's.