Is it reasonable to charge my partner rent?

[Butterflygypsy]

I'm an older mum with grown up children and have been divorced for a few years. I'm very fortunate in owning my own home and the mortgage is paid off, so I don't have that expense to worry about. I live on my own. I don't earn much so my home is my only real asset.

I have a lovely partner who earns more than me and he's always rented so he doesn't own any property. He's thinking of moving in with me but he thinks it's reasonable that he pays half of the gas, electricity, council tax, etc, but no extra to cover the maintenance of the flat. I think he should pay more than just half the utility costs as he'll be saving money on rent where he currently lives and he will be causing wear and tear by being in the house. He doesn't think he should pay towards the upkeep of the flat as its my flat.

Am I being unreasonable?

Would she also share the ops bed and have sex with her?

This is one's partner! Not a business transaction. Clearly she doesn't want to live with him much anyway. (And fair enough)

ETA----I am glad you are re-thinking/nixxing the idea. But, please do heed everyone's warnings, including my thoughts below, so you're protected in the future.

I think that him moving in with you is a very bad idea. He gets too many benefits and none of the responsibility. I would definitely see a solicitor before I let him store his shoes under my bed. You need to protect yourself. Do you have children? If so, they also need to be protected.

Frankly, he does sound like a wanna-be cocklodger. At the very least, he needs to put into a joint account the amount he would pay for rent and use that money for food, car gas, travel, eating out, etc. Anything less and he isn't contributing enough and living off your smart investing.
IF you do let him move in, don't until you have protected your property so that he has zero claim on it in the event of a split or your death. Don't take his "word" that he agrees with you. You have a LOT more to lose than he ever will.

I would not charge him rent or maintenance costs, regular contribution to maintenance of a property can mean he is legally entitled to a share in your property. If you are keen to charge him rent for whatever reason then I would get a lawyer to draft an agreement. Otherwise a healthier approach, if you see him as a long term partner, would be to ask him to put what he paid in rent at his previous home into a joint savings account , either to use towards your bills or as savings towards a future together. Then his money will still help you however it will be going towards something you are creating together. How would you feel if he had charged you rent on a property he owned outright? Probably not great. But asking you to contribute to joint savings for your future? Probably a lot easier to accept.

OP - I have been loud and proud on here saying he must pay more than just bills. However, I just want to say that I think in a LOT of these situations, it's not that the person moving in is purposefully taking advantage. it's thoughtlessness only. Particularly in a situation like this where he has perhaps not had a lot of financial know how in advance.

If and when you get to the point of moving in, then it's a conversation. Where you make the points that are relevant about space, and ownership etc. If you frame it in the context of "we should BOTH be better off financially, practically, emotionally" then I think you can come to a place where you're both happy with whatever solution you come to.

I see what you are saying, but to phrase things a different way could it not be said that this man would be subsidising OP’s lifestyle with his higher income if he pays her rent? Rent which she wouldn’t otherwise have if he doesn’t live there and technically doesn’t merit as she has no rent or mortgage payment to make herself? I think it’s much fairer to pay his share of the bills or even an increased percentage to take account of his higher earnings, plus make an agreed contribution towards general maintenance and repair costs.

Hang on, she's the one subsidising HIS lifestyle if she lets him live there rent-free! He'd save a fortune every single month.

Take what he normally pays and halve it. That way you both get the benefit of living together - you make a little bit of money from having a bit less space for yourself, more wear and tear on your appliances and furnishings, more compromise on how the space it used, and he makes a little money from saving half his rental costs. You could both put your savings into your respective pensions or use it as a holiday fund. Make sure he pays half of all bills - Netflix, gas, electricity, Prime, TV licence, food, etc. regardless.

I know. It's crazy. It's taking the piss to expect someone to pay towards their accomodation but it's not taking the piss to be housed for free! 🤦

I wouldn’t charge rent in that situation, why would I if there’s no mortgage or rent to pay? I would expect a 50/50 contribution to all household costs. But it sounds like you want to charge rent to punish him for having never bought a property rather than because it actually makes financial sense to do so.

To my mind your words I like my own space too and I'm happy by myself say it all.
Imagine if he moved in and you couldn't stand his habits. In my experience it takes living with someone (partners and housemates over the years) to see their true self.
Is he still in a council house? If he moved in with you & it didn't work out he wouldn't get a council house again to move back to.
It'd be a very different scenario if you were planning a serious forever-future together, marriage & shared finances etc.

I know this is a moot point now but op wouldn’t be saving half the utilities as they’d go up once he moved in. He would be able to get a bit more than a doormat with his savings… interesting choice, doormat and making serous savings. If his rent were 1k a month, in the first year he would have saved a few hundred pounds short of the cost of a brand new Kia Picanto.

Jeez so he expects to live rent free. CF

Not being unreasonable at all! Houses cost money to maintain/insure/decorate. Sounds to me like he wants to move in purely to save money. I'd say he either contributes and have it set out in writing that this is a lodging type arrangement and that the payments are for board/lodging rather than contributing to household repairs etc (just to avoid any backlash later). I'm sure you're asking for a lot less than he'll be paying in rent!

It’s an observation on how these things regularly pan out on mumsnet. Not a swipe at women, if anything a swipe at the posters on here with double standards, but I’m sure they’re not reflective of all women.

It was a while ago now and we were young adults so appreciate may not be appropriate in your circs - but when I moved in with my then DP, I paid him half of my existing rent at where I'd moved from.

Think I may have even read that idea on here. We both therefore financially benefitted exactly the same from me moving in.

Seemed massively inappropriate for me to live rent free but equally didn't seem fair that DP should profit either - i was perfectly happy in my rental

Red flag that he thinks it's OK to live rent free, gosh I didn't try that on as a young woman in my 20s, worrying a middle aged man would suggest that.

But agree you need to make sure your paperwork is water tight so he doesn't have a claim to your property. Personally, as a middle aged couple with grown children I'm not sure I'd risk having him move in anyway- much rather see him 3 nights a week or whatever and keep my own space.

After your update, I'm pleased you are not going to allow him to move in.

Especially when it was HIS idea.
The invitation should always come from you. It's your home.

He has a lot to gain and you have a lot to lose.
And it begs the question that if he gave up his council house- where would he go if you split up? Or would he want to keep the council flat?
That bit's not clear.

If he ever did move in, of course he should pay maintenance.
Presumably you allocate a certain amount each year for that (and pay ground rent or service charges as it's a flat.)
Appliances will wear out, the boiler might need replacing, there are bound to be ongoing costs. Why should he get away with paying towards those?

I can see him thinking it would be a cushy number.
He'd save on rent and only pay 50% of bills- so he'd be quids in!

Nope, not a good idea.

I know you say you love him BUT I'd not be attracted to a man in his 50s who's squandered away money over 30 years and had nothing to show for it. He earns more than you so it's clear he's hopeless with money.

Do you really want to be with a man like this?

"Rent a room in your home: Becoming a resident landlord - GOV.UK" https://www.gov.uk/rent-room-in-your-home

There is a difference between a lodger agreement and a landlord tenancy agreement. This may clarify matters

Get a solicitor to draw up a contract/agreement with reviews every ? years
Make sure he signs it
Check out any possible tax implications for yourself
Let your insurance company know

So it's his suggestion (or in other words he's invited himself) and he's laying down the law about the terms and conditions under which he is prepared to do himself this massive favor.
He's already wanting to have his cake and eat it, once he's got his feet under the table he's only going to get more exploitative.
He thinks he's lucked out and found a woman who's dumb enough to be his pension-plan at her expense.
All the benefits are flowing in one direction here op and they aren't going towards you!

I know that everyone on mn has different life experiences and so aome would have reason to be mistrusting of men/ new partners but surely if you’re talking about living together that makes you a couple and the things he speaks of contributing to mean he’s paying his half of what needs to be paid? If there was rent I’d assume he’d pay half, if a mortgage the same? Why does it make him a cocklodger or tight not to want his partner to become his landlord?

Is he expecting to live with you for virtually free then.?
I have no time or respect for men who don't pay their way and he wouldn't be moving in with me I can tell you.

I'm with the woman who replied "he's tight, how unattractive" 😆
So, it's your ATTRACTIVE (it must be, otherwise he wouldn't be moving in) readymade home he's gonna be moving in to, but that's not worth a fucking penny...
Who's gonna be doing the 'managing' of said home going forward? You, but that's not worth a fucking penny...
How is he with wielding a vacuum cleaner, working the washing machine, cooking, washing dishes, decorating, creating ambience, etc etc etc... or is that just "women's work", which, as we all know, that's not worth a fucking penny
Tight or misogynist? Only you can decide, but neither is a good look 😆 He's DEFINITELY stupid though, if he hadn't balked you wouldn't be on Mumsnet having second thoughts... and I bet he would have even got off cheaply 🙄 I hope things work out well between you, but firstly you really must point out the error of his ways ✌🏾❣️

This, you need to be very savvy

You don't sound like you want him to move in. I wouldn't charge rent as you don't have a mortgage or rent as an expense, but half of all costs is fair. If this is a long term relationship then paying half of a boiler is fine. If it's not then he doesn't need to move in.

I'm shocked the responses.

There's no mortgage, YABU.

If you want income then get a lodger.