Do you think people look down on you if you are a blended family?

[Strawberrywine1]

I feel it a lot in life, in school and family, especially by those still in their original relationships with kids and fathers.

Im getting a bit fed up with people’s smugness, especially when they have no experience of divorce and single parenting. It’s difficult at times and often people will say that’s what you get for getting into another relationship.

Are you supposed to say single forever?

I would have loved to have remained in a nuclear family. Unfortunately he couldn’t control himself and shouted and threw things. I think there is a certain amount of intelligence that needs to go into it. Obviously you don’t move in an absolute moron. The relationship between the adult and child needs to be positive, you need to be sensible. I would not thank my mum if she remained single for the sake of me. I would not judge my child if she grew into amazing step parent. If people judged less and supported more perhaps there wouldn’t be so much of a disadvantage. I mean my daughter is 8 and the kids say things to her. Parents talk and kids hear there judgment and bully.

@InAPickle12345

I completely agree with what you are saying.

For some single parents there seems to be a rush to get a new man and install them as a substitute father to mitigate the undoubted life stresses as a single parent, provide emotional (and sexual company), and fill a 'gap' in the family.

I know situations where this has been far too hasty with disastrous consequences and it is the children who suffer. I think some people undergo mental gymnastics to convince themselves a new man is the right answer despite children's feelings.

That is so true.
I have at some point been everything on this list apart from non working parent, and have felt very judged.
With hindsight I would have done some things differently if I am being honest with myself, but not everybody marries their first love and lives happily ever after.

@mids2019 you can’t paint all with the same brush though. Some people do wait and take children’s feelings into it. I don’t need to fill a gap as my daughter has a father (however crap he is). My daughter sees my partner as a silly friend to her. I am the parent who lays down the discipline and she is respectful to him. We need to make sure as adults we get a check on our behaviour and treat individual children how they need to be treated. If my eldest felt left out then we’d need to up our behaviour etc and adapt. This has to be done in nuclear families also I expect as just because you are together doesn’t meant you work with the child’s interests first. I know so many ladies who constantly complain about their partners slacking or not backing them up with discipline etc.

It does say that kids from blended families do tend to be more flexible and show more resilience as adults…that can only be a good thing.

I'm from a blended family and I hated it, so I do sometimes judge it when people force their children to live with another family just because they want to live with their partner. I would say in most cases it's better for the kids to stay separate. Move in when they don't live with you.

I'm afraid it doesn't though. The research shows otherwise. Modern research shows that children from 'blended' families suffer from behavioural problems as well as anxiety and depression at higher rates and have lower academic outcomes. Check out research conducted by Manning, Turenen, Stanton to name a few if you're interested.

I'm really not saying these things to be cruel, these are just established facts that people should consider before 'blending' families.

I’m not going to disagree that children do better in no conflict nuclear families but I have read that children in stable, strong no conflict blended families do better then single lone parents. Happy parents generally make happy children. Happier emotionally, financially etc etc.

I think we just agree to disagree. I’m happy modelling what a healthy loving relationship looks like for my daughter so that she doesn’t think the one her father has where she shouts at his partner is correct. I’m also modelling flexibility and acceptance and many other things which I feel with benefit her greatly in her adult life.

I know for me it’s more positive than negative. She even comments about my partner and how he treats me differently to how her dad treats his partner. We need these discussions. Unfortunately life isn’t always black and white. 1 in 4 women experience abuse.

If you had a link to that research I'd be interested to read it, this whole topic really does interest me.

And yes, as I say, I respect your opinion and happy to agree to disagree.

@InAPickle12345 I will look for it. I really think every person and there circumstances are very different and a sweeping brush doesn’t work. They all have different complex issues. For example being widowed, there isn’t another parent the child is visiting. In my case the parent was and still is abusive. We have active discussions all the time with examples and how she feels in that situation and in our situation etc etc. It’s a totally different set of circumstances. She feels at home with me and my partner and her little sister. We are all trying to do our best. I never ever intended on meeting somebody else, especially after everything we’ve been through at a man’s hands. My partner is brilliant and he’s definitely brought many positives. More family members to love my eldest.

Single parent here too. Let them judge its not your business. Bat the comments back!