Do you think people look down on you if you are a blended family?

[Strawberrywine1]

I feel it a lot in life, in school and family, especially by those still in their original relationships with kids and fathers.

Im getting a bit fed up with people’s smugness, especially when they have no experience of divorce and single parenting. It’s difficult at times and often people will say that’s what you get for getting into another relationship.

Are you supposed to say single forever?

I don’t and wouldn’t judge every blended family.

I do feel a bit judgemental when there’s younger primary-aged children involved. Because the length of time which elapsed before the parents moved in new partners is just too short.

No-one is saying you should be “single forever”. But no child psychologist or child welfare professional would say that a blended family with e.g. siblings 6 and 8, siblings 5 and 7, and a new baby, and an unrelated step-parent who now lives in their house, is good for those original children. Divorce is enough of an upheaval for a child (even if it’s often the best thing for everyone involved). But no-one is forcing you to introduce a new partner and move them into your child’s home within the next 1-2 years.

It’s not hard to put your children’s emotional wellbeing first. Date someone outside the home for a few years. Only introduce them to your child several years down the line when you’re sure it will be permanent.

You can wait 5-10 years to live with your partner. Too many young children are living with unrelated adults who they don’t know well enough and feel uncomfortable around.

@Greenshrub it’s always easy to have an option about others when you don’t live their life, have their experiences, their upbringing etc. Humans I don’t think are meant to live alone, it’s a difficult drive to oppose. I think that same must be true about judging, humans subconsciously judge.

I have met lovely people and they tend to be people who’ve had adverse experiences and know how it feels. They know what it takes to move forward from abuse for example.

This is very true.

Reading between the lines of some of your posts, it does sound as though maybe things moved quite quickly with this man?

I agree with others that people do ofren see this as a problem because, as Greenshrub says, of the impact on the children.

You're right that it's easy for people to have an opinion when it's not their situation but that's fair enough. I'm sure you have opinions on things that are nothing too do with you too?

Humans I don’t think are meant to live alone

It's true that we are social creatures but you didn't live alone. You lived with your child.

If you have left an abusive relationship and jumped straight into living together and creating a family with a new man then I think it's understandable family would be concerned.

You need time to heal and to address the abuse.

If it is a few years and a new relationship has been established and been shown to be bstable and secure, it's none of anyone elses business.

Only time will tell if it was the right decision.

@GreyCarpet Im happy with how the relationship formed and the time in between. My daughter is loved and provided for as best as I can do. I do think people tend to brush everyone with the same brush without really knowing each independent facts.

humans subconsciously judge

Of course we do. We all do. We make hundreds of judgements every day.

Sometimes from lack of knowledge and experience but mostly from experience. Eg you'd take an umbrella out if the sky was overcast; drive to buy heavy shoping rather than walk even if the shop were close by. Those are judgements.

I've given you a lot from my own experiences. They might apply to you they might not.

But people do also judge what would be commonly held ideas of 'bad decisions' and they do also form opinions of people who make them.

I don't know if you're in the category of people who have just had shitty life experiences and so appear a bit unconventional in your lifestyle/choices or whether you'd be someone who was perceived to make consistently poor decisions and so people were wary based upon that.

Abuse can lead people to have warped perceptions about what is 'normal' which is why it's always a good idea to heal and addres the absence before entering into further relationships or bringing new children into the mix but when you're still mired in the absence aftermath, it can be hard to see your situation the way out appears to others. It doesn't make any of that your adult but it is your responsibility to acknowledge it and address it.

Have you had therapy to address the abuse both historical and more recent? Have you 'worked on yourself?

OK.

Now this is a bit of Devil's Advocacy but you say that you are happy with the timescales etc.

If you look at the situation objectively, how does it look then? Through eyes not clouded by abuse.

Tbh, it's irrelevant really, you say your daughter is well provided for which is important and, I presume, she is happy? You can't go back and undo any of your decisions as there is another child involved now.

And people who don't know you - well your decisions and choices have no impact on them! Except for your partner's family because they care about him.

What I will say is that I use to work in CP and have a lot of contact with children through work who are on the CP register etc. None of the parents ever agree that their decisions are harmful to their child. Many of those parents are also living with trauma so they just don't see it.

If you are truly happy and truly believe that there is no reason for others to judge you negatively beyond their own prejudices then there is nothing to worry about.

If there's any part of you that thinks your decisions are trauma informed then I would urge you to seek therapy for them. Just so that life going forwards is as good as it can be for you and your children.

I'm also saying this from a position of being able to look back on my life (I'm 49 and my children are now adults) and I can see that some of my decisions were trauma informed. Not around relationships (unless you consider being single for 10 years to he a trauma response- which, actually, I do! So scrap that!) but in terms of other big decisions I have made (and continue to make) but mostly I'm OK now.

I've found a way to live with trauma and I use people I know care about me (and MN under different guises) to reality check myself at times.

But I'm not going to say there's never been an issue.

My kids have turned out OK though 👍🏻

@GreyCarpet yes I’ve had therapy and attended some really great support groups. I figured out why I ended up in an abusive marriage and traced it back to my childhood and learned I’d gained really unhelpful coping mechanisms. I think I’ve done really well. I gained a masters, own 75% of my own home, I have a lot of empathy and don’t entertain conversations where others put people down. I tend to add my own opinions in those situations (eg at work when some of the girls/ladies start talking negatively about others) I put another side and tend to get ostracised. I do work with a couple of really great ladies. I guess I expect people to do the same and a lot don’t.

@GreyCarpet Im someone who is really accepting of others. If I looked at someone who was like me I would see someone doing their absolute best. I would see her trying to fit into a conventional world. All my family and my in laws are extremely conventional, I am different. It’s not great being different all the time. Yes I’ve not made great decisions in the past but that was before I knew what I know so I can’t change that. I’m a very different person to the one I was 10 years ago.

Yes this.

Tbh, that sounds really positive!

And you sound quite similar to me in many ways.

Maybe you are just really unlucky in the place that you live and with the people you meet then.

I also get on better with people who've experienced adversity. Those who haven't can feel quite shallow? Superficial? I don't know. I'm not saying they are just that it can be my perception. I prefer people with 'scars on their soul'. Often because I find them to have more strength of character and greater empathy and to be less concerned with what others think because people don't know/understand what it has taken for them to get to where they are. They also, in my experience, tend to be more accepting of others 'imperfections'.

Focus on the people who are lovely. The lovely women you work with, the people who accept and understand you and try to care less what those other people think of you. You probably wouldn't like them even if they did talk to you! 😉

I’m a very different person to the one I was 10 years ago.

Me too!

Sadly, this is where abuse is the gift that keeps on giving.

We can't see our trauma informed decisions until we've moved on past that bit.

People say you shouldn't live life looking through the rear window but sometimes that's our reality as we're constantly striving to make things better.

You're right, it isn't easy being the unconventional person in a conventional world (both big and small).

I'd have talked to you at the school gate. Except that I wouldn't because I'd likely have been too concerned about being judged to let you in 🤷🏻‍♀️

I dont look down on any family no one knows the whole side of it.

But i have been looked down by others on MN because i had a baby at a young age and refused CM.

@GreyCarpet lol just two strange people stood awkwardly in the corner!

I do think there is a bit of a stigma of being a former victim to abuse. Like I’m some broken weak women when I am actually the opposite. I don’t want pity. I know my in-laws who know a little of my story having a child with another who she didn’t see think differently of me. I think they wonder what my part is as often people say there is no smoke without fire. People don’t understand the dynamics of abuse at all.

lol just two strange people stood awkwardly in the corner! 😅

Looking at each other wondering why the other was looking at us and judging us 😉

People often don't understand the dynamics of abuse. Nor the long term impact. You never fully heal from it. It can never be as though it didn't happen.

All we can do is find (healthy) coping strategies and seek out people who 'get it' too. You know the people who don't get it. Spend time the with those who do.

And those who do are the ones who see your unconventionality and feel comfortable with it. Not those who seek you out because of it (red flag), or those who befriend you to help you (red flag), but those who see you and accept you.

Fuck the rest of them because they're not your people in the first place.

Ithink they wonder what my part is

This is both part of the misogyny and part of the belief that if they do the right things, it won't happen to them.

No I don’t want someone trying to fix me or help me. I’d probably be too defiant for them now anyway. But I do want people to like me, it would be nice but some of them just aren’t my people and “people pleasing” is something I can’t be bothered with anymore.

I want people to like me too. I get it.

Some do; lots don't.

I think I'd sum my position up as people like me from a distance and in small doses.

No one I've met has said anything expressly negative about me. But most people keep their distance. I think I must just give out some sort of 'vibe' that others pick up on, and I'm unaware of. I know I can be a bit intense at times; I don't always 'play the game', I'm not a 'people pleaser' either I don't shy away from expressing unpopular opinions. I lived for far too long being told who to be, what to do, how to think, what to say, how to behave and I'm not going to do it anymore.

So I focus on those who do like me and ignore those who don't.

You know anyway that not everyone is going to like you and that some people will judge you even without the trauma/abuse/blended family etc, some people would have felt negatively towards you anyway - you're an intelligent woman. I think sometimes we (abused) are more sensitive to it and take it more personally because It feels like more of the same and we can't do anything about it. Other people just take no notice of those people.

I'm off work this week. I'm spending the whole week alone other than for my kids and my partner. I know a lot of people and have some close acquaintances and work colleagues, but no actual friends. There are some I've previously met up with for coffee at my instigation but, unless i contact them, i never hear from any of them. So I don't any more. It used to really upset me but I've made my peace with it now and, like you, I can't be bothered with a lot of it.

It bothered me more when my children were younger because of the potential impact on them but less so now.

How old are you? I think it gets easier as you get older.

Easier to not care. Not easier to he liked. Sadly...

Im almost 41

I think I'd steer clear of anyone who had that type of opinion.

Tbh, I think you're a combination of having been unlucky and focusing too much on these people.

It's shit. Everything that's happened is shit. And it's also shit that you now feel you're paying the price for something you didn't choose to own.

I don't normally go in for gratitude diary type things but I wonder if it would help to write down the positives and the people who do like you and are supportive to focus your thoughts?

I found it got easier once I hit my mid-late 40s tbh. Maybe in the last couple of years. I'd say its only really been the last 12 months that I've been really comfortable with it/myself.

If you like yourself and are happy with the choices you've made then that's all that counts.

@LolaSmiles yeah sorry I see what you mean. I was with my partner for years then slowly introduced staying over with my daughter etc. I’m my opinion I took it slowly but we seem to all be painted with the same brush. Also everyone has different parameters that they just can’t seem to keep to themselves. My own child has been told things at school by other children about her not living with her dad. She feels different. Surely it’s the parents putting their opinions on their children. They shouldn’t be talking to their children about these things
No worries. I'd totally agree that some people can tar all blended families with the same brush. They're the minority though and the same ones who'd judge any element of a family that's different to theirs. It's awful your child has faced comments from other parents via their children.

I could be way of base but I think what people talk about on here doesn't necessarily reflect daily life.

The blended families who are working well with positive co-parenting relationships with ex partners (or not having to deal with a crap ex who was a rubbish parent) and where the children are secure aren't the ones posting on MN, just like the people in happy marriages aren't the ones starting threads asking for relationship advice.

That means that a lot of the threads on here about blended families already have some conflicts in them, are racing quickly and the poster is seeking validation or something isn't working or the children aren't happy, or someone's annoyed that relatives aren't viewing new partner's kids from their old relationship the same as their actual grandchildren/nieces/nephews. This will shape the advice given.