Do you think people look down on you if you are a blended family?

[Strawberrywine1]

I feel it a lot in life, in school and family, especially by those still in their original relationships with kids and fathers.

Im getting a bit fed up with people’s smugness, especially when they have no experience of divorce and single parenting. It’s difficult at times and often people will say that’s what you get for getting into another relationship.

Are you supposed to say single forever?

I've had a feeling this may be due to someone close to you...well, you know the truth. You know he chased you, so he was clearly fine with the situation

School mums also lately also @PaintedEgg

Yeah I think there’s something in this.

Like people who are obsessed with diet to prevent illnesses such as cancer, etc. (Of course diet does have a bearing on our health, but it’s an illusion to believe we can control whether we get cancer or not).

out of curiosity, do they say anything?

I am all too familiar with dirty looks when I go with my husband yo pick up my step daughter or to when we go parents' evening, but hey - I don't really knot this people so why should i care? what they're gonna do? :P

Yep. Totally agree!

@PaintedEgg my daughter has things said to her in school, those things must be coming from the parents as they only 8. I get ignored at the gate.

that's something you should bring up with school as this is bullying - for what its worth, when children bully each other they pick on anything they can

Also @PaintedEgg she is on the waiting list for assessment as the school think she may be ADHD. People love to chip in oh that’s probably from her traumatic childhood. No ADHD is something you are born like. If it’s trauma then it’s none of your business. Perhaps teach your children to be accepting of people’s differences instead of making her feel worse by ignoring her or not inviting her to parties. Sorry I feel strongly when it comes to my child obviously.

you're absolutely right in your attitude! this is bullying that these people try to excuse

When my son was in primary school, someone made the mistake of referring to his birth father (who he's never met in 25 years) as his 'real dad'. I put them straight on that pretty quickly!

Sometimes children do say things of their own volition because they only have their life/experience to compare it to and that, whatever it looks like, is 'normal' to them.

Being ignored at the school gate? Well that can be for many reasons! Eg if you feel self conscious/conspicuous because of your situation and the judgement, this may show in your body language which might make you appear unapproachable to them.

Maybe they are just all judgemental arseholes! But it would be unlikely for you to encounter so many uber judgmental people.

Is there an element of your own perception going on here with regards to 'smugness'? A bit of people will see what they're looking for and hear what they are listening for? Seek and ye shall find? Kind of thing.

People make judgements all the time. It's normal and human nature - how you decide what jobs to apply for; what food you want to buy; who to get into a relationship with and who you want to be friends with.

After all, you are judging them as much as they might be judging you.

Maybe you're all misjudging each other to a degree?

I don't live with my kids dad. I know why I don't. My kids know why I don't and we are all clear that this is what is best for our family. I didn't want to be a single mum. I didn't choose to a single mum and I never had kids with the intention of raising them on my own five days a week. But my relationship with their dad didn't work and it was having a negative impact on everyone, including my kids. I've seen people look down their noise at me cos I'm another a single mum from the village where I live and everyone is surprised I work full time etc. But I don't care because I know the truth. And so do my kids.

Meant kindly, the fact that you feel so much judgement from people about your own life choices (as if we actually have any choice in a lot of it!) could be in part because you yourself are not confident or comfortable with the situation. You know that you've made the best choices for you and your family. Why do you honestly care what anyone else says or thinks? If your relationship with your eldest child's dad was abusive, there could still be some lingering feelings over how that ended that you still need to process.

@GreyCarpet the class is very small, only 16, there are a couple of men at the picks ups and a couple of nanny’s and they keep themselves out of it, the rest apart from one or 2 are really clicky. I guess I’ve just found life quite difficult as a childhood survivor of neglect and adult survivor of partner abuse, there is a lot of judgment. I also suffer with a hidden disability, so much judgement on that also, it’s M.E/C.F.S.

My son was diagnosed with dyspraxia. My mother tried to tell me that I had caused it.

People spout all sorts of shit about SEND.

My daughter had hearing aids fitted when she was 6. Someone in my family, who was well informed on hearing loss having a profoundly deaf child themselves, told me that they thought it was a mistake and wasn't I concerned the aids would make her lazy and encourage her to stop trying to hear on her own!

People can be a bit thick and clueless at times.

You just have to rise above it and ignore it

It sounds to me as though you are taking a lot of isolated incidents and putting them together and feeling like it happens 'all the time' when, in reality, it's just some people.

Can you think of people you feel don't actually care about your circumstances or are supportive?

Anyone who does, should look at themselves before passing judgement on others.

And if they did, I'd certainly be distancing myself from them.

@GreyCarpet umm there are a few. I think I just have thin skin having suffered neglect and abuse since childhood. I’m sure everyone feels it but perhaps I just feel it more.

You dont have to be posh to look down on someone! Nor does being looked down upon mean you must not be posh! Being posh has nothing to do with it. OP is saying that those in first marriages with kids or “traditional “ families look down on those in blended families because of their situation, believing that their situation is more superior. Posh has zero to do with it.

Yes OP so many smugs out there looking down on anyone different to them. But karmas a bitch and noone knows what’s around the corner- ill health, death, infidelity-all sorts so people shouldn’t judge.
Smugness is an ugly, judgmental and presumptive trait- I feel sorry for those that possess it, not smart or nice people.

I have never looked down on a blended family; if I've even noticed in the first place. Nor have I ever known anyone else to. As another poster highlighted, no one knows what's around the corner for themselves.

No, I think in social media all these celeb blended families glamorize it and make it look easier than it is

Op it sounds like you are judging yourself - don't do that, be proud that you left and abuser, found a better male role model for your child and created a safe happy home for you children- this is my goal! Youre my inspo xx

@Unexpectedlysinglemum oh that’s kind. Yes I do judge myself because of the constant bombardment of judgement. It’s hard to hold onto self belief.

OK. I too, like many others here, am a survivor of childhood abuse (nc for around 12 years).

So please don't think I'm being dismissive in my responses. They are coming from a place of experience 😉

I didn't talk about my childhood/upbringing/family for years. I felt huge shame and felt people would judge me for what had happened to me and how my life looked as a result. I felt looks, questions, comments were judgements.

Ultimately, I lived in a very middle class area, my children went to very middle class schools where many people seemed to live quite charmed lives. My friends were doctors, head teachers, accountants... I felt very judged even though none of them knew anything beyond the very superficial about me.

My perception of others changed after I went out for dinner one evening with the only woman who knew anything about the real me - abuse; homelessness etc. She told me that she'd been out with the others recently and I'd come up in conversation. The gist of it was that they liked me but found it hard to get close to me because I was such a closed book - they knew nothing about me. But, crucially, they all quietly admired me for my somewhat unconventional lifestyle and loved me for my quirkiness. They didn't see that it was down to a combination of abuse or the invisible disability I was diagnosed with in my early 40s. They were intrigued by my ability to reject 'social norms' and expectations.

After that, I opened up to a couple of them and found no judgement, only acceptance.

I'm not trying to dismiss your experience but things aren't always as they seem.

Who are the people who know and understand you?

@GreyCarpet I think your post sums it all up - if people can judge someone for not making their child "hear better on her own" then really none of us should be worried about judgement from others

I know. I was a bit stunned into silence by that one! 😅

Also, OP, you don't know what shit these people have going on in their lives.

Truly happy and secure people don't go around being shitty to others simply because their heads are filled with happiness they just don't see the 'negativity'.

I know several people like this.

I also know many people who seem to have it all on the surface but, once you dig a bit deeper, all is not as it seems.

I did know one man who was hugely judgemental of others. He had lived a charmed life and simply had no capacity for understanding that other people's lives didn't always look like that - completely lacked empathy. But he was one man. It would be unusual to meet many people like that.

I think it's the speed in which some people move in with or have the boyfriend/girlfriend move in. A friend of mine has bounced from relationship to relationship since her divorce last year and has moved her partner of 3 months into her home with his child. Her 12 year old daughter now has to share a room with a child she barely knows.

I have another friend who met a man with a toddler, went on to have three children with him and hardly acknowledges her husband's first child. No family photos of her up in the house, she doesn't have a bedroom in their home yesterday stays twice a month.

I just think people need to take things extra slow when children are involved.