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Original poster

Do you think people look down on you if you are a blended family?

187 replies

Strawberrywine1 · 11/02/2024 20:34

I feel it a lot in life, in school and family, especially by those still in their original relationships with kids and fathers.

Im getting a bit fed up with people’s smugness, especially when they have no experience of divorce and single parenting. It’s difficult at times and often people will say that’s what you get for getting into another relationship.

Are you supposed to say single forever?

OP posts:
Original poster
Strawberrywine1 · 12/02/2024 14:07

I think it’s hard when you have been through trauma after trauma, you loose resilience having to drag yourself back out the hole each time. What doesn’t affect others seems to affect you as your ability to rub it off is affected. You start to doubt yourself when others just think whatever.

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 12/02/2024 14:23

Yep.

GreyCarpet · 12/02/2024 14:24

Has this thread made you feel a bit better about it? Even if only a little? And even if only temporarily?

Original poster
Strawberrywine1 · 12/02/2024 14:31

Yeah I think I need to find my inner fuck you again lol!

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 12/02/2024 14:40

❤️

It's still there 😉

LolaSmiles · 12/02/2024 14:41

Yeah I think I need to find my inner fuck you again lol!
Definitely!
It sounds like you've done a great job building your family and any reservations shared about other people's different situations isn't a judgement on you, and the minority who would judge everyone aren't worth listening to.

MaMisled · 12/02/2024 14:56

Not here, no. We have 7 children between us and people have always said they're in awe of us because it's all worked out so very well across 22 years. We were about to buy 9 boat tickets in Cardigan Bay when they were aged 3 to 15. We got a round of applause and a free ride! I've always felt very proud of our success story.

NoOrdinaryMorning · 12/02/2024 17:21

Yep! Yet these are the same people who will scream LTB on here at the slightest misgiving by a DH/DP but will look down their noses at single mums. Despite the fact that those of us who are widows are still single mums! We're still judged in exactly the same way. Regardless of how or why we are single mums

NoOrdinaryMorning · 12/02/2024 17:24

MaMisled · 12/02/2024 14:56

Not here, no. We have 7 children between us and people have always said they're in awe of us because it's all worked out so very well across 22 years. We were about to buy 9 boat tickets in Cardigan Bay when they were aged 3 to 15. We got a round of applause and a free ride! I've always felt very proud of our success story.

A round of applause?!?!?! I'm come on, that's a bit OTT

Original poster
Strawberrywine1 · 12/02/2024 17:37

I can’t remember the last time I got a round of applause!

OP posts:
MaMisled · 12/02/2024 18:08

OTT? Yes, maybe, but it was nearly 20 years ago and, in the brief exchange, it was obvious we were a blended family. It was rather lovely to be called the Brady Bunch and to be cheered like that. We were, at that time, a modern success story. Unlike you, with your spiteful typing fingers.

wallywotwot · 12/02/2024 19:50

You sound like an absolute survivor who has created a great life for yourself and your children.
You may not consider yourself la people pleaser but giving a shit what the school-gate mums etc is still an element of that.

You feel a bit of an outsider, you probably are, those who have suffered like you have, and turned it around and fought to achieve what you have is unusual. It's fantastic and most people are average so you will appear 'different' and possibly threatening to them.

I truly believe that genuinely happy people are generous to others. They don't judge or bitch. So those 'smug' (who the fuck wants to be smug!?! Smug isn't an ambition of mine or any of the intelligent and interesting people I know) people looking down their nose at you are insecure & obviously haven't got anything of interest about them.

Maybe you just need to broaden your social circle, find your tribe (hard when you have CF I know) and tell your daughter that her classmates are twats and so are their parents (ok maybe not quite in those words - but I'm sure Disney will have a kids film that articulates it more age-appropriately).
Maybe she needs to be given opportunities to hang out with cooler kids with more interesting lives/broader horizons so she can find her tribe too?

perfectcolourfound · 12/02/2024 20:01

I must have been very fortunate (or oblivious!) because I've never felt anyone was looking down on me. And they have no reason to look down on me. I've done nothing wrong.

Left an abusive marriage. Met someone else after a while. After a long time dating we blended families. Blissfully happy (us and the DCs) and very much one family now - there no 'step' about it. DH and I are both so much happier than marriage 1, and the childen (now all adults) thrived in a happier home.

Only things to be proud of IMO.

LadyGAgain · 12/02/2024 20:03

I admire blended families. It's not easy to navigate the history, challenges, sometimes hurt, sometimes abuse, sometimes mutual - or not splits. Ex partners and of course at the centre, the children. I have a few friends who are now blended and I celebrate the journey they went on - and continue to be on - to more forwards and find their new future.

InAPickle12345 · 12/02/2024 21:28

Yes, sorry, I do judge blended families. I think that too many of these set ups leave children at a disadvantage and hurt. So many of them have issues that would rarely come up in nuclear families and the effects on children can last a lifetime. I view blended families as the adults in the situation putting themselves and their wants and needs above those of their children.

I'm single btw, I do date and have had relationships but I would never 'blend' a family, I don't believe it's possible without someone being hurt.

Original poster
Strawberrywine1 · 12/02/2024 21:48

@InAPickle12345 I came from a nuclear family and I turned out a mess and my brother moved away as soon as he could. I don’t agree I’m afraid. My ex from a nuclear family, his mum decided to stay and tolerate the abuse from her husband and both kids buggered. One abused me and the other drank herself into a terrible accident.

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InAPickle12345 · 12/02/2024 21:53

I'm sorry if my opinion has offended you, genuinely. But my own lived experience tells me that every single blended family I know (and I know many), the children are at a disadvantage and end up damaged in some way.

I absolutely don't believe anyone should stay in an abusive relationship, or course not. But I just don't believe that blended families work or are ever in the best interests of the child.

NoOrdinaryMorning · 12/02/2024 21:59

MaMisled · 12/02/2024 18:08

OTT? Yes, maybe, but it was nearly 20 years ago and, in the brief exchange, it was obvious we were a blended family. It was rather lovely to be called the Brady Bunch and to be cheered like that. We were, at that time, a modern success story. Unlike you, with your spiteful typing fingers.

There's no need for name calling! Wow

NoOrdinaryMorning · 12/02/2024 22:01

InAPickle12345 · 12/02/2024 21:28

Yes, sorry, I do judge blended families. I think that too many of these set ups leave children at a disadvantage and hurt. So many of them have issues that would rarely come up in nuclear families and the effects on children can last a lifetime. I view blended families as the adults in the situation putting themselves and their wants and needs above those of their children.

I'm single btw, I do date and have had relationships but I would never 'blend' a family, I don't believe it's possible without someone being hurt.

So when my DH was tragically taken from us, that means in your eyes I should never remarry or even date again? Because whoever I date/marry, if they have kids then that makes us a blended family. Rule & ready to be judged by tories such as yourself

ThisMustBeMyDream · 12/02/2024 22:02

I could tell you loads of advantages that the children in our blended family have, but I'd be here all day trying to explain them all and the reasons behind them. Without giving my entire life history away, I can say categorically that both me and DP bring lots of advantages to each others children.

Original poster
Strawberrywine1 · 12/02/2024 22:05

People seem to overlook the positives and think they only occur in nuclear families and disadvantage in blended ones, it’s weird.

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Original poster
Strawberrywine1 · 12/02/2024 22:08

My Dp is a good person and makes me a better mum to both my children. He has added himself and his crazy hobby of camping that my other relationship would never ever have tried, I wouldn’t have alone either. We’ve had some crazy camps and my children have met so many other children and we’ve made great friends.

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InAPickle12345 · 12/02/2024 22:09

@NoOrdinaryMorning I'm actually finding it hilarious that you called me a Tory 😂😂😂

And I'm very sorry for the loss of your husband. But my view still stands. The only reason 'blended' (and I hate that term) families exist is to fulfil the wants and desires of the adults in the situation.

Children don't have the ability or maturity to decide who they live with in the vast majority of instances and there is so many real life examples of how 'blending' families have emotionally and psychologically damaged children.

And of course I don't think that bereaved or single parents should not date. I'm a single parent and I date. I've had a relationship of 2.5 years and 3 years since being a single Mum. But I would never dream of moving someone in or 'blending' families because that would be putting my own wants and desires above what's best for my child.

Nobody knows when embarking on a 'blended' family situation what the long term effects on the children might be, and that's too big a risk for me to take for the sake of my own wants. When I chose to be a parent, it was a given that I would always put my child first.

There's nothing wrong with waiting until children have grown to live with someone again.

Original poster
Strawberrywine1 · 12/02/2024 22:14

@InAPickle12345 I accept your opinion. I do think you could be missing out on something wonderful. We’ve had some bloody brilliant times. Met different people, tried different things, my children have experienced life through this relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
Strawberrywine1 · 12/02/2024 22:18

My oldest has got her little sister, she dreamed of having one and she loves her to pieces. She tells me all the time how she will love her forever and take her everywhere. She has gained so much more than she has lost. I don’t think she has actually lost anything. I’m able to spend a lot more time with her than I would have been able to alone.

OP posts: