Do you think people look down on you if you are a blended family?

[Strawberrywine1]

I feel it a lot in life, in school and family, especially by those still in their original relationships with kids and fathers.

Im getting a bit fed up with people’s smugness, especially when they have no experience of divorce and single parenting. It’s difficult at times and often people will say that’s what you get for getting into another relationship.

Are you supposed to say single forever?

I think it's a real shame so many women still have the same mindset of Pride and Prejudice, bag yourself a man or doomed to spend forever. Very limited thinking.
The thought of happily raising children alone, or with a partner who lives in a separate abode seems totally inconceivable to so many.
I am a widow and this mentality of only finding happiness and moving on is getting shackled to another , which appears to be the holy grail on the young and widowed forums is so utterly depressing.
Being single is not a punishment, or a lesser way to live.

Nobody said it was, nobody should be judged. If you want to be single be single, if you don’t then don’t. Don’t make people who don’t feel bad or judged by thinking that by staying single you somehow think more of your children. The things I’ve personally been through to keep them safe is heroic in my opinion.

The thing is, it isn't about MY wants or desires. It was about what was best for my children! Was it better for them that I struggled financially, time wise, practically? My children can now do extra curricular, they have their reading and homework done with them rather than being rushed through as I've so much to do/work. Get to go on holidays. Don't have to go to childcare in holidays (DP a teacher). We have a bigger house so they don't have to share rooms. They have a play room thanks to the bigger house.
They have so many more life opportunities that me alone couldn't give them. The two of us can, however.
DPs daughter has the same advantages too.
DP couldn't have done the above without me. And I couldn't without him. We help each other be the best parent we can.
Of course I love him, but part of that love is the benefit he brings to my children. I wouldn't have lived with him otherwise. Love encompasses more than my own desires.

@ThisMustBeMyDream and I'm genuinely glad that it has worked out for you, really I am, and I hope your children grow up without the hurt, resentment etc that so many children have when they are raised in 'blended' families.

When I became a single parent I really knuckled down because I knew I had to provide for my family. I came from a somewhat disadvantaged background, had to drop out of college to raise my child so had no qualifications to my name but I've worked bloody hard to ensure my earnings have increased year on year to the point where I'm now quite well paid. This has meant that I have a lovely home, take multiple holidays a year and my son wants for nothing. And I've done that on my own without feeling I needed to depend on someone else to help raise the child I brought into this world and potentially damage him in the process.

That was a risk I was unwilling to take with my son, and it's a risk that you took that has so far worked out for you which is great.

It's totally okay for us to disagree.

@ThisMustBeMyDream but I'm sorry, I do still think that anyone blending families IS all about the adults' wants in the situation. Children can't consent to or dictate their living situation. YOU wanted it to be easier for you and your partner to provide for your children so you put them all together, and it is never possible to fully anticipate how that will work out.

I chose to not take the risk and work my arse off and do it by myself. Different strokes

You're implying I haven't worked my arse off? I'll tell you now, I bloody well have. I was a teenage mum in a council house who went to university. I know all about working damn hard. I wanted a good life for my child and had bought my own house by age 23. I worked my arse off, just like you... and provided for my child.

What I didn't know was that a child with a disability would come along and put all that hard work in jeopardy because a) childcare b) no family c) no father (walked away - twat) and d) a huge disability. You put those 4 together and quickly find that hard work isn't going to get you far when you can't get childcare anymore. At one point pre-DP I was paying a Nanny almost as much as I earned just to keep my career going as that was my only childcare option.

What you can do for 1 child is very different to what you can do for 3. Did I expect to be alone with 3 kids, father walked away, and a child with a disability? Of course not. If there was 1 child with no disability my world would look totally different. I can't change the actions of others. So I'm having to make decisions in the best interest of my children. And for us, it is the right choice to blend our family.

And no, I didn't want it to be easier for me, I wanted it to be easier for THEM. The easiest option for me would have been to quit work, take benefits, and give the kids less opportunities. But I'm here trying to give them the world on a stick.

I never feel looked down on IRL because people know me well and they know we do pretty well with our set up, even though it can be a little bit more complicated at times.

I see lots of judgement on Mumsnet but I take it with a pinch of salt. There are some blended families out there that do have a lot of problems and the impersonal nature of a forum means people will tend to generalise.

Also as with most things, it's worth being mindful that people in blended families are only going to post on here if there is a problem so it does tend to amplify the problems. My cousins are from a beautiful big (blended) family and had a chat with my cousin recently about how much she loves her step siblings and half siblings and how lucky she is that her parents remained cordial even after the divorce. But she isn't about to come on here and post about that I imagine!

But then you could say that about a lot of things really, not just stepfamilies! Mumsnet does tend to reflect where the thin edge of the wedge is! And people seem to enjoy sharing their opinions! I think as long as you know that you are prioritising what works for your children and family, it's important just not to get too bogged down in it. Those who know you well wont judge and those who judge probably aren't very important figures in your life anyway, so who cares!

@ThisMustBeMyDream I really wasn't implying anything about you or how hard you've worked, I was giving a snapshot of my own experience and background.

I'm sorry to hear that you have a child with a disability, that must be incredibly difficult.

I also went through a good few years of paying out most of my salary in childcare in order to keep my career trajectory on track. Incredibly difficult times but thankfully hard work and persistence paid off and I am now in a very comfortable position, without the need for someone else to support or supplement my life.

As I said, I am glad for all of those who chose to 'blend' families and it has worked out. But my opinion, based on both my lived experience and knowledge of the damage caused to children by 'blended' situations, is that this is incredibly rare and children do not benefit from this set up in the very vast majority of cases.

My opinion will never change that 'blended' families exist purely to cater to the wants of the adults.

And as I said, it's totally fine for us to disagree, this is just my opinion, a stranger on the internet.

The proof is the pudding really and none of us know the way other people’s children feel. They could end up having issues, not having siblings could be an issues. It was for me, I didn’t want my daughter to be alone if anything happened to me. It’s just something I’ve personally witnessed and it was sad. We all do the best based on our own parameters. We’ve all worked hard I’m sure, I know I’ve not got much left and I’ve paid off my house. We now have two as his is rented out so both children have a house when we pass away.

I suffer from a hidden disability now so I would have been a single mum and out of work and struggling with no support. It’s bad enough being unwell but I have my support and he is great. Life takes unexpected turns. It would have been a nice thought to have worked and gone up the ranks but that outcome for me would have been different as I would have always got this illness.

Every decision I make is for our children. But life is life and it’s complicated, can’t protect them from absolutely everything when they go into it. The world needs resilience.

My daughter unfortunately after years got contact with her father. He’s a terrible narcissist. I’ve tried to provide a loving family dynamic to counteract the crap she has to witness with him. He moved on and had a child we didn’t know about within 2 minutes. We had no contact for years. There is only so much I can protect her from. People’s dynamics are all so different.

I think people might think you showed poor judgement to have had children with the first partner. We can all be deceived.

@Valeriekat yeah they can shove that judgment up their arse!!!

We need to model to our children it’s ok to make mistakes and got up and carry on.

@SongbirdGarden it's not about outdated mentality but the fact that people like being in relationship and living together.

@ThisMustBeMyDream you make a good point, a blended family can provide better opportunities than a single parent would

and if adults are sensible and loving, this means having more adults to take care of child's needs and form a support network

How would they (necessarily) know if you didn't tell them?

Very few people are aware my DH is eldest son's step father.

Never (knowingly) been judged.

This is disgusting. Reported

@NoOrdinaryMorning what exactly is 'disgusting' about my comment?

I have been very respectful of other posters in expressing my views, views which I have formed by my extensive lived experience and views which are also backed up and proven by extensive research in this area of you would care to do even the tiniest bit of research yourself.

This is my opinion and there is nothing that goes against any talk guidelines in that comment so report away 😂

I think that's a load of old nonsense - two decent, loving parents are always going to be better for a child than a lone parent, even if they're not all biologically related. Do you look down on adopted kids too? And I think it's perfectly healthy for kids to be raised knowing they're not their parents sole priority over everything and everyone else 100% of the time. Most kids who aren't totally selfish and spoilt would wish for their parent to be happy so would be accepting of a new partner as long as they aren't a feckless idiot.

Ultimately, everyone judges everyone they meet, even if they keep it to themselves, that's just nature. I've never felt judged specifically as a single parent, although some married parents have praised me for it. I do have a 'new' partner, but circumstances (financial, geographical) mean we can't live together until the kids are older. We do often do things as a blended family, but again I've never felt judged for that reason.

Sometimes I even look down on couples who stay together in an unhappy/one sided relationship, although I never show it outwardly. The negative effect that must have on the children is worse than single parenting or blended family.

I don't think it's a disgusting comment either.

There is nothing in it that is factually incorrect nor a personal attack.

A lot of people do rush into blending families without due consideration for existing children.

I made a similar decision and waited until my youngest was around 15 before having a relationship that involved her in any way and he now lives with us (which wouldn't have happened unless she was completely happy with it and she knows that) but there are no 'children' to consider (all adults now). There is absolutely no way I would have considered blending families for the reasons InAPickle12345 gave.

I know blended families that have worked very well. I know others that have been a disaster for the children.

In all cases, it's the adults that make the decision to do so and the children just have to put up with it however they feel.

Blended families are very different to acquiring a step parent though.

And it's very different when the families live separately but the children spend time together 'as a familiy'.

Having to adapt to other children in their living space permanently is a whole other ball game.

But I would have stayed with him. He left me, I would have stayed and I even made a post about getting back together with him and was shot to flames so again can’t win!

@cheshirebloke and you're completely entitled to your opinion. 2 decent loving parents better than a lone parent? Absolutely. 1 actual parent and 1 person who is the partner of a parent is a completely different thing. Adopted children are also a completely different situation. They have been adopted as neither of their own parents are no longer around for some reason.

And I respectfully disagree that it's healthy for children to know that they are not your top priority. They should absolutely be your top priority ahead of everyone else.

Just because a child is uncomfortable living with a parents new partner and/or their children, this does not make them selfish. They are children for gods sake and their feelings are valid. Parents do not need to blend families and potentially cause this upset to their children. They do so because it is what THEY want to do.

I agree we all judge people. I feel judged all the time for being a single parent but I just get on with it, it's just a fact of life. And it's also a fact that children from single parent households, as well as 'blended' families, have worse outcomes than those in nuclear families. This is also a fact backed up by extensive research.

There's a big difference between occasionally doing things as a group with your partner's children and actually moving your child in with them. You are not a 'blended' family, you are just getting together occasionally.

I think children are key here and their happiness. I think amongst those I know who have blended families there is too much of an earnest desire to put a front as a 'new' family with the assumption that we as friends accept the new partner as an integral partner in the household.

This means a little Stalinesque omission of the ex and children's father in discussion and to some extent a subtle erasure of history. It seems frowned upon to ask about the ex in some cases. There is the sense of 'we have moved on, this is our new family, let's forget the past'. I think kids notice this subtle change to making their father a person not to be overly referred to in front of the new step parent.

I think with some male psychology there is a desire to be 'head of a family' and this leads to jealousy of the ex (and possibly the kids) as it is a constant reminder his new partner has other serious relationships in their lives that can never truly relate to him