Do you think people look down on you if you are a blended family?

[Strawberrywine1]

I feel it a lot in life, in school and family, especially by those still in their original relationships with kids and fathers.

Im getting a bit fed up with people’s smugness, especially when they have no experience of divorce and single parenting. It’s difficult at times and often people will say that’s what you get for getting into another relationship.

Are you supposed to say single forever?

I think pretty much every type of family gets judged. Based on threads I've seen on here, people have an issue with:

• one child families
• families of 3+ children
• lone parents
• working mothers
• non working mothers
• blended families
• women who stay in unhappy relationships because they don't want to be another type of family that people will judge.

@wutheringkites it seems like you can’t win…I think those who judge probably do so as to deflect any issues of there own.

No. I mean a third of married people have been married before. No idea how many of those have kids. If people are smug - so what? You've found two (or more) people who have loved you enough to marry. Seems you're the one who should be smug!

I guess I might. When there's kids already on both the DH and DW side and then they have more DC together, I feel sorry for the original DC. Plus I might think along lines of, "they made bad judgements re the first marriage partner, got suckered by the romantic claptrap and married first spouse for (what I think are) stupid reasons ("love you to the moon and back, babe", or "of course I'll look after you financially darling, don't worry your pretty head about that") and may not have wised up. But I always recognise these to be judgemental reactions, and usually don't have them anyway.
You did ask.

Nope. I do it because I'm human and humans have a tendency to assess, evaluate and "judge" other humans. It's a protective mechanism from cave dwelling times, in brief, in order quickly to assess friend from foe and benefit from danger.

There are so many blended families that I would be surprised if anyone looked down on them and stated so openly

There probably are some people, but people who tend to pass those judgements coincidently often happen to be people I have little regard for anyway

All your posts are about adult relationships.

Most of the issues of blended families are around the children involved and the added complication having a random person and possibly other children foisted upon them.

I was both a single parent and a blended relationship ( both of us had children) and our children are now adults. So I have done all sides.

Bear in mind finances is one of the top causes of arguments in all couples and then think about this is relation to blended families, living arrangements, ex partners etc.
It’s nothing to do with the judgements over “finding love” but making real life work when it’s not just you anymore but your children as well. And theirs. It’s really not the same as non blended families.

I don't judge blended families for being blended. I do sometimes judge situations where I think the adults have rushed into a new relationship to the detriment of their kids, where men seem to remarry to get someone else to take care of their original kids, or similar situations though. Not the case with all blended families, but sadly in some the adults are not prioritising the children to the extent it is detrimental to them. I'm sure we've all come across situations like this

I think people feel judged whatever they do. I’m a single parent but refuse to have an unrelated male in my DD’s life until she’s grown up and the amount of people that judge me for not ‘moving on’ is ridiculous! But I’m more than happy with my decision so that’s all that matters!

Editedto add..the blended families don’t seem to be judged in our friendship group as much as the ones staying in crap relationships. They’re in the spotlight more because they’re allowing themselves to be treated badly so are portrayed as weak🙄

how would you know this is the case though? You would need to either know a family really closely or make a lot of assumptions

Not judge but I do often think how difficult and complicated it must be to be a blended family. Partly due to the huge number of threads on here about it.

I really don't know many step families ( i am not going to use the term bkended, because i dont think there is anything blended about them).Those I do know have adult children who have gone nc with it least one of their parents.
I judge single parents a lot less, and where this is by widowhood not at all

When I was married, I always maintained that if my marriage ended, I’d have no interest in remarrying. Well, it did and I’m now with someone I can’t wait to marry. You really can’t know until you have lived through the experience. I have plenty of friends in decades-long marriages who are proud of the decades they’ve been married, but miserable in their marriage.

I'm a "blended family". I have only ever felt judged on here. No one who knows me has ever made me feel judged for our family though.
Maybe I'm lucky. My boys were 4 and 2 when I met DP. His daughter was 6 months. We are 6.5 years on now, and none of the children remember any different. We chose not to bring any more children in to the equation.
Both me and DP bring a lot of positives to each other, and to each others children.
We don't see anything negative about our situation and nor do the children with whom we regularly check in with on their thoughts and feelings about how our time works. We make sure all get 1-1 time. I'm the main parent for mine, and he for his when she is here. We both parent exactly the same. We share morals, values and goals. We don't clash or argue. Not to say we have the same opinion on things (he's messy, I'm tidy, he doesn't see anything wrong with last minute everything, I'm booking stuff months in advance!). But the home is harmonious and loving. It's really lovely. Peaceful in fact. Despite the challenges of having a child with autism and adhd!
As I say, only on mumsnet have I felt judged. Never IRL.

What are you judging single parents for?!

We've been brought up to judge people by their behaviour, which makes sense to me. I'm staggered that no one else is saying that.

Was wondering that as well…

I have had a quick look at that thread (very quick one) and most critical posters were either ones who could not "imagine" something or bitter (rightfully or not) of those who got into new relationships - so one group has no clue and the other are people where the situation was really tense and toxic from a get-go before any family blending has happened

I've never thought people look down on them.

Every family is different.

I think caution is required, before bringing another adult into your child's life. Blended families have different challenges and from a professional POV some parents (usually men more than women) are so quick to move on to another relationship, before their kids have adjusted to their parents no longer being together.

I have felt the judging but just from those who have bad marriages or cheating husbands, those who often justify their lack of courage to leave by being judgemental or saying they are staying for the sake of the children when in fact they are staying for the money, as little as it may be.

The ones who have happy/healthy relationships are the ones that are happy for you and even commend your ability to rebuild their life. They really don’t put you down, they celebrate your new life and seeing your kids happy.

I am a single parent. I guess in some ways I do. I have not dated in the six years since I separated from their dad and don't intend to until my children are adults. My youngest is 7. Tbh, I mostly don't have an interest, but I'm also massively put off by the idea of a blended family. My kids are enough. I don't want more. I don't want someone's ex. I don't want drama. I don't want my kids to feel jealous.

My ex started seeing someone a year ago and they have gone way too fast and I have watched how it affects my DCs. I know not all set ups are bad but I think it's just so much hassle.

I don't judge. But it is not something I would choose for myself and I am a single parent. I never want to live with a partner again because I worry about the impact it will have on my kids (they are autistic, home is their safe space, don't adapt well to change etc). I have no desire to look after anyone else's children. I'm also past the age of having anymore of my own.

I'd happily date again. Have a relationship living separately etc. But I would never blend families.

IME the blended families that work well are the ones that are step children only. So no shared children. IME, it's been resentment over the bio kids being treated differently to step kids that leads to problems.

I’ve never once felt judged. I’m genuinely surprised to hear what others are saying.

I never thought I would meet someone else after my abusive marriage. I’d got myself together, owned my own house and got myself in a position to be able to survive and pay the bills and then I met by chance this lovely man. He didn’t have children of his own. I didn’t like the idea of my daughter being an only child and being alone when I died. She always wanted a sister lol. She has felt the judgement of other children at school and their views only comes from their parents. So I definitely think people are much more judgmental than they care to admit. I think we must sit and remain alone forever and suffer the consequences of our actions in the relationship ending.

Why do people assume kids are being treated better or learning better in relationships where they are still together. I know so many women who constantly complain about their husbands not doing anything around the home, complaining about money etc etc. The second time around I found a man who is brilliant at these things.