Do you think people look down on you if you are a blended family?

[Strawberrywine1]

I feel it a lot in life, in school and family, especially by those still in their original relationships with kids and fathers.

Im getting a bit fed up with people’s smugness, especially when they have no experience of divorce and single parenting. It’s difficult at times and often people will say that’s what you get for getting into another relationship.

Are you supposed to say single forever?

I don't think a lot of people judge others for having a blended family or having a new partner. Most people simply don't care that much and have the sense to know that plenty of adults have successful subsequent relationships.

I think people do judge or have reservations about people who:

• introduce the children to one new boyfriend/girlfriend after another
• move new partners in quickly and are quick to have them playing mum/dad
• move quickly to have new babies to complete the family
• prioritise new partners over the children & end up writing threads asking what they can do to make their children like/respect new partner/new partner is amazing but my teens don't like them
• think that because they've taken on their new partners children (new partner her taken on their children) that extended family on both sides have obligations to view new partner's children the same as their own nieces, nephews, grandchildren.

None of that list is being judged for having a blended family or another relationship. The judgement and reservations comes from the childish outlook of centring their love life and demanding everyone else (children and relatives) fall in line behind.

It’s amazing how people feel correct in their assumptions about other people’s relationships and how it’s just selfish, terrible adults who deserve to be judged. 🙄

I'm judgy about lots of parenting, including my own!
I feel so sorry for the kid who discovered her dad was having an affair and got called a liar from 11till13 years old when he finally walked out. I'm proud of her for continually rethinking her boundaries as she grows older.
Her mum has now pulled together a blended family and her and the new partner just seem to effortlessly put all the kids first. They are amazing.
I'm disgusted by my brother who has continuely put himself first. He literally had kids because he thought socially he should. Kept his lucrative but awkward career going whilst she did the heavy lifting. Split up. New partner with older kids. They just want the fun, eow mini breaks when the exes do the heavy lifting.
Have just had a call asking if we want to meet up and entertain my niece this week, because he's only just realised it's half term.
Got my judgy pants in a right wedgy.

@LolaSmiles I understand what you are saying but those are all a list of judgments and assumptions. Relationships with the same father can have many challenges also. We can teach kids to accept less then we should because it’s best to stay in a second rate family then have tough enough skin to move on and perhaps teach different lessons.

@DirkWearsWhiteSocks yes that doesn’t sound good. Most of us though are just trying to do their best, sometimes we get it wrong and there are plenty of people waiting to say I told you so.

I think it's due to reductionist thinking, when kids have awful relationship with their biological parents who are still together (and the abundance of "my mother is a narcissist and my dad enables her" threads is a good example) people are willing to look deeper, but if the family split and parents found new partners they assume it's because of that and nothing else

@PaintedEgg had to look up reductionist thinking then lol! But yeah I suppose we are all guilty of over simplifying very complicated things. I’ve just come to the thinking lately I need to give less fucks and grow thicker skin as you seem judged whatever you do by people who should be worrying about themselves.

I think what you're experiencing, OP, is the misogyny that blames women for everything.

I was looked down by some people for being a single parent (first child's father left me at 8 months pregnant having got another woman pregnant). Second child's father had an affair and was somewhat abusive (financially and emotionally).

Some people then had an opinion on me being a single parent for nearly 10 years.

Then people had an opinion on me dating again.

(In many cases, it was the same people every time).

Now, I'm older, my children are adults, my partner is older and his childen are adults so I don't get the blended family issues. But there were some comments when I got together with my second child's father. We were together for 12 years and there is an 8 year age difference. He was a great stepdad, and the issues ony really arose when our shared child was born.

I was also criticised for, let me see, going to university when I had a child; working/having a career when I had a child (given i was a single parent, i had no choice and suspect I couldn't have won either way on this one!); for breastfeeding; for using a childminder rather than a nursery/raising the child myself; for cooking from scratch and not feeding my childen chicken nuggets and fish fingers. The list goes on...

What I realised early on is that, whatever choice you make, there will be someone who feels you need putting straight for it so, as long as you are satisfied that you are doing OK, that's all you need to worry about.

I think blended families can be a sign of bravery and love. You see lots of miserable couples staying together ' for the kids' whilst hating each other and having an atmosphere of hell for everyone in the household.

At leats with blended families, someone has had the courage to realise it's not working, it's affecting the children and to make the change.

I do judge negatively parents that put their new ' loves' before the needs of the children, or introduce them too fast, or try to make happy families before the child is ready. Absolutely no need and will come back and bite them on the arse.

Oh and I was a single mother for 8 years with no support

@GreyCarpet I make mistakes but I do the things I do with the best intentions, I try my best. It would be nice to just been seen as that but unfortunately I’m judged wherever I go, home, school, work…it’s everywhere and by so many women.

I’m sure I’ve been judged for being a single parent, I’m sure we now get judged as a blended family. I probably also get judged by what car I drive, and a million other things. My kids are happy and doing well, me and my husband are the happiest we’ve ever been. So people can judge as much as they like, it has no impact on me whatsoever!

@baileys6904 the trouble is everyone has their own level of acceptability.

@LolaSmiles I understand what you are saying but those are all a list of judgments and assumptions.
Relationships with the same father can have many challenges also. We can teach kids to accept less then we should because it’s best to stay in a second rate family then have tough enough skin to move on and perhaps teach different lessons
Except I haven't said anything about relationships with fathers, so haven't said there aren't problems in some relationships.

Ive also quite clearly said that most people don't have an issue with blended families or subsequent relationships. 🤷‍♀️

This is half the problem on this topic. When people have reservations about some behaviour patterns it always turns into claims that people hate blended families/but what about people in unhealthy relationships with their child's other parent?

It's why there's often dozens of threads where someone posts things that are the examples I've given and then people will get arsey and say "people hate blended families and think you should be single forever" when a lot of the time the advice is "it's totally ok to date, but there's some red flags here and you might want to slow down/reconsider whether you really need to move in new boyfriend/girlfriend as stepparent after a couple of months, or the relationship is new so why the rush to add another baby when there's already conflict between your existing children and your new partner".

@Nomorescreentime Im a little too sensitive to the constant judgment. I’d like to care a little less.

I'm still with the father of all three of my kids but I don't even think about blended families as anything other than just another family. I certainly wouldn't even begin to judge, I don't get what people are judging?

@LolaSmiles yeah sorry I see what you mean. I was with my partner for years then slowly introduced staying over with my daughter etc. I’m my opinion I took it slowly but we seem to all be painted with the same brush. Also everyone has different parameters that they just can’t seem to keep to themselves. My own child has been told things at school by other children about her not living with her dad. She feels different. Surely it’s the parents putting their opinions on their children. They shouldn’t be talking to their children about these things.

@Yahyahs22 try being new and going into the family when you are a person from a previous relationship with child. It’s been years and I’m still not treated like the other SIL who has been with the brother from the start, no previous. You soon feel it.

Sometimes women are critical because they feel that they can avoid finding themselves in a similar situation if they behave in the right way or make the correct choices.

It's a way off distancing themselves from a situation that they fear happening to themselves.

It's the same reason behind women losing their friends after a divorce, or people losing their friends when their financial circumstances change or women blaming a women for being raped. It's a subconscious belief that they can prevent these things from happening to them if they always do the 'right' thing and don't invite it into their lives.

If you genuinely feel you keep making mistakes, maybe there is value in slowing down your decision making and being more wary/cautious/not taking everything at face value/considering actions over words/not making impulsive decisions based upon what you want to believe is the case rather than what is the case.

But that is true of everyone.

There will he as many people who give no thought to your situation as those judging it. But you won't know about them because they don't talk about it because they have nothing to say.

Nope never felt that. Had a 10 year old when I got married again after being single for the almost 10 years. Since had another 3 and all kids are treat the exact same by his and my family and by us at home

I do look down on the really complex blended families where it's clear that the parents seem to have had a child in every relationship they've been in. For example

Parents A and B. No children together (yet)

A has 2 from one mother and 1 from another. Mother 2 has another child, so that's already a half sibling. That half sibling has another half sibling, and that half sibling has other half siblings.

B has 2 children by 2 different fathers. One of them has a half sibling who has half siblings as well.

There may be more half siblings.

Waaaay too complicated

I wouldn’t.

I think people who would are insecure, small-minded twats

Can’t understand why someone would care about someone else’s family setup. Just has no bearing on anyone else’s life at all, does it?

for what its worth i don't think there is anything you can do as a woman, and especially as a mother and step-mother, that will not get some negative judgement from someone

It comes across as this smugness, I would never or that would never because I’m better then you.

@PaintedEgg yep, my in laws commented that I trapped their son…whereas he was the one who chased me and accepted me for who I was and what I had.

@Strawberrywine1 you know what I find helpful? in my head judging people back to assess if I actually should care what they think - would I consider this person to be worth asking for opinion? What do I actually think of them? Looking at it from a third-person perspective, do I have a reason to be bothered by their opinion?