Husband is a cybersex addict - need advice

[DarcyJames3]

Hello all. My husband is a cybersex addict and a possible voyeur. Every 6 years or so I catch him doing something that I can't wrap my head around. I don't think he's ever physically cheated on me, but my trust is eroded.
I have a lot of shame for staying with someone who has put me through this. We have been together for 25 years and have teenage kids. He just left for a business trip this morning, I know the trip is legit. He had some fancy underwear hiding in a drawer for the past few months. I had a feeling they would be gone today, and I checked, and they are gone. I know now that in addition to the business trip, he is engaging in video cybersex yet again. I don't mind porn at all, but the last time we went through this, I told him that I cannot handle him putting his own self on video for others to see. So here we are now. He's gone for a few days so I can stew on this. Please let me know what you would do, and what my next steps should be. I just need someone to talk to. Thank you.

The crying is a lot. This morning he wanted a hug and kiss and I couldn't do it, I said no. He left, I got angry because HELLO we are not in a good place, why does he think I can just go back to normal? I have so much anger

Its good you are angry. You need to use that anger to propel you into action. I mean the kind of action that protects YOU and your kids, that’s about making an escape plan.

I think you know that your days of begging him to change and hoping that he will are done.

I wasted so much time talking to him, making plans to support his recovery ( and All that shit ). I found it so hard to move from my world view of

” We are a family, a team and it’s my job to support my husband and that’s the best way to to protect my kids “

Even when I went to my own counsellor, I spent the whole time talking about what my husband said / did / wanted / felt. When she asked “ what do YOU want “, I didn’t even know.

I guess I was too scared to admit that I wanted the man I thought I was marrying , my fantasy husband . The one he pretended to be.
Not the terrible lying stealing cheating abusive man I had actually married.

I still feel bad that I chose such a man to be the father of my beautiful kids. It’s been so painful to watch them doing what I did - giving him chance after chance to do the right thing / step up. And he’s let them down time after time. Although they are a lot smarter than me ( thank goodness ) and have pretty much stopped trying with him now and got on with their own lives. The only good thing about it is that he treats them all equally badly and they know it’s him and not them.

I couldn’t make him be a decent husband then and I can’t make him be a decent father now. It’s kinda obvious when I write it down but it’s taken me years to come to terms with.

I know now that he has many narcissistic traits and it’s IMPOSSIBLE for him to think of anyone except himself. We are all just walk on actors on the show that is his life. Now he doesn’t have a role for his kids, they don’t exist anymore.

He won’t financially support his kids at college. But he offered them money last years to attend an event with his extended family, just to make him look good ( I assume they don’t know hardly ever sees his kids ).

Thats the kind of man he is.

But anyway that’s too much about me. So please be smarT @DarcyJames3 . Don’t waste your time talking to your husband about the future. Make your plans and once they are in place, tell him what you are doing.

Any conversations you have with him about The Future will be twisted to be all about him and what he wants.

He’s only being nice to you know to get what he wants. As soon as he sees you are serious about leaving, that act will drop and he will be awful to you and perhaps to your kids ( to get at you ).

So grey rock him now ( google it ) and make your plans. Get all the professional support ( legal , financial ) that you can. And tell some trusted friends / family who you know will not breathe a word to anyone .

I know that deep down you hope that if he sees you are Really Serious about leaving, he will change ( his online behaviour / cheating etc ). But he won’t . He will just change the show of being sorry / penitence and you will see how he will punish you.

Thats why you are scared to talk to him, isn’t it ? because you know what he can be when he’s angry and vengeful.

Oh wow!!! So I saw my counselor this week and we had the same kind of conversation, down to the "what do YOU want" and I couldn't answer.
I know now what I want to do. I've sought legal and financial advice. I'm just waiting to get some courage and to somewhat come to terms with my new reality so that I can hold my ground. I'm not scared of him, to be honest I'm scared of breaking his heart. I don't want to hurt him, despite everything.

That's an amazing post and resonates with me too. Especially this bit:
I found it so hard to move from my world view of ” We are a family, a team and it’s my job to support my husband and that’s the best way to to protect my kids “

What would Inner best friend Darcy say?

When I was talking to a friend about not wanting to hurt my exH, my friends perspective was that exH had hurt himself by being unfaithful and it was "tough - he should have been nicer to his wife".
I kept that in my mind every time I was wavering.

Your husband chose this. He knew what he was doing was unacceptable to you and he did it anyway.

Yes, exactly this. He KNEW it was my absolute limit. Ugh. I'm gutted.
I can't ever imagine myself being intimate with him again. That's what I keep going back to, to ground me.

You're not hurting him. Your predictable reaction to his awful behaviour is not "hurting him". Honestly. You're allowed a line in the sand. A boundary is a right, not hurtful behaviour.

Can you imagine him working the justifications for his behaviour into your wedding vows all those years ago. You would have said on yer bike bud. You wouldn't have stood up to say "I vow to have no boundary, no line he cannot cross".

Also, he has hurt you. You are still standing, hurt, but still standing. He hurt you with the shabby behaviour that nobody forced him to engage in. He is comfortable with that, he is not insisting that you deserve better than him is he. He's basically saying "this shabby perverted behaviour is what you deserve".

You should feel outraged. If your decision to call it a day hurts him well then, that's on him. People have reactions to how you behave. A lot of emotionally immature people are very angry/outraged if you have a reaction to their behaviour. It embarrasses them! Which hurts them. 😕 pity about him.

I spent years worrying about hurting my husband. I thought he was so emotionally vulnerable from his bad childhood / cheating ex/ the friends who had treated him so badly in the past/ the colleagues who took his job/ the brother who borrowed money and didn’t repay it etc etc ( mostly before we met ). And of course his fragile mental health and threats of suicide.

I loved him so much and wanted to protect him.

Then I found out the hard way that narcissists only have two feelings -

• Happy when people around them are doing what they want.
• Incandescent rage and the overwhelming need to destroy anyone who DOESN'T do what they want.

They don’t do hurt. They act hurt when it suits then and can stop in an instant when it doesn’t. And then you see the other side.

I was scared to leave him because I knew how horrendous it would be. And I was right, it was much worse than I imagined. He stooped WAY below the things I knew he NEVER would do.

Thank you so much, I will try and remember all of this.

Yikes. I'm afraid of how bad this is going to get.
I think I'll be kind to myself today and just take a break from all of the obsessing, if I can....maybe just watch a movie this evening and chill out. Maybe smoke a bowl and have some tea. Go to bed early.

It will be what it will be.
I think you need to work out what is important to his ego. My ex's image as "superdad" was important to him, and his narrative about me leaving, boo hoo. So that gave me some leverage. I kept his grubby little secrets and he gave me a fair settlement.
When I knew that keeping his public persona was key to him I could play it. It was horrible to feel so calculated but got me through relatively unscathed.
So for e.g. I never found out how much he'd actually spent on camming, I deliberately left it so he offered me half of the assets he knew I knew about. I think he had debts but by not forcing his hand I didn't have to pick up 50% of them. For him having to own up to spending thousands (I know he spent at least 3 over 6 months) was more humiliating than fighting me for the children/money.

It takes time though. So don't rush. Trust yourself, you've got this.

I think image is the main thing here. He's always very overly concerned about how everyone thinks of him and he always needs to be the best/smartest at everything. So ya, that's definitely it here.

If you put a frog in cold water and slowly turn up the heat to boil, it will eventually die, but won't notice the problem. It won't notice the heat will kill it because it's such a slow process.

I AM STARTING TO WAVER! PLEASE HELP!!! I think I am in a trauma bond. I'm learning a lot about it and it feels like it applies to me. I still intend on following through day by day but it is extremely difficult and I am having a hard time. Please tell me I can do this. I don't deserve this. I must be in a trauma bond. I am freaking out.

You can do it. Take your time - listen to yourself. What's happened?

Nothing new...we are still in this weird stage. I have not told him what I want, and it is very quiet and awkward and he is crying all the time and following me around. I feel sorry for him. And I shouldn't.

I need to have more space, I think. His being around me snivelling constantly is not good.

Tell him he needs to give you space and take care of his own needs. He routinely abandons you for work so its not like being within eyeshot is necessary to him.

Thank you! That's true!
I'm reading a lot about trauma bonding and that's exactly what this is. It's scary stuff. I thought I was smarter than this. It's ok though. I can do hard things.

Fake it till you make it.
”Ive told you I need space so give it to me.”

Can you go away for the weekend or something?

No, not at the moment. That's ok though.

This!! Or I don't want to be seen as stupid. I have a lot of shame for staying so long, and a ton of resentment.

Try to reframe it as you are a loyal loving person who was committed to your husband. He threw that loyalty and commitment on the floor, smashed it up and stamped on it.

@DarcyJames3 I had a recurring thought: would I want my daughter to be treated like this? I didn't want to be a doormat any longer for the sake of "family". The clear answer is no! You don't deserve any of this and yours and his lifestyles are not compatible.

You need to start thinking about yourself and what you want and need for your life. Constantly going over in your head about what he's up to, won't feature highly and won't be good for your mental health. These men are manipulators. I can still picture my ex-partner's traumatised pained face when he was confronted with the truth. He genuinely believed he was the victim. It was an Oscar winning performance.

I would move him to sleep in a separate room in the house. Give yourself space. You need to note down all the things that have happened and reread it when you don't feel strong. It's a hellish time but look after yourself so you can look after your kids. Get planning - make a sheet of options for the future.