Husband is a cybersex addict - need advice

[DarcyJames3]

Hello all. My husband is a cybersex addict and a possible voyeur. Every 6 years or so I catch him doing something that I can't wrap my head around. I don't think he's ever physically cheated on me, but my trust is eroded.
I have a lot of shame for staying with someone who has put me through this. We have been together for 25 years and have teenage kids. He just left for a business trip this morning, I know the trip is legit. He had some fancy underwear hiding in a drawer for the past few months. I had a feeling they would be gone today, and I checked, and they are gone. I know now that in addition to the business trip, he is engaging in video cybersex yet again. I don't mind porn at all, but the last time we went through this, I told him that I cannot handle him putting his own self on video for others to see. So here we are now. He's gone for a few days so I can stew on this. Please let me know what you would do, and what my next steps should be. I just need someone to talk to. Thank you.

Yes - great advice
Definitely write stuff down, it's useful to look back on otherwise your brain will trick you into "forgetting" it. I don't know about trauma bonds, maybe it's to do with that, but I know when I made a timeline of key events with ex-H it shocked me how much I'd buried, and how much I'd missed "2+2=4" events. E.g. him doing something unacceptable in response to my attention being on something else in my life

Thank you for these suggestions - you're right - I can feel myself slipping into the "forgetting" it today, because I'm so tired from it all already. But I don't want to go back to that. I will do some writing. I've made a list of key incidences that are recent, that I can look at for a quick kick in the butt.

I didn't really know about trauma bonds until this - and after reading up on it, this is definitely what I'm in. It's extremely hard to get out of, which is discouraging. I need some more information about mortgages, which I am hoping to get this week.

I KNEW being a financially dependant woman was not a good idea. And now I'm paying for that dearly. Ugh. Hindsight really is 20/20.

Thank you. I do think that, like looking from the outside in, how this looks like such a terrible situation that I would not want my child in. That's a good shift in perspective. We already sleep in separate bedrooms so that has been really helpful for this. Minus sex and the finances, we have already been living as a separate couple for quite some time now.

Oh OP I too somehow ended up married to a bisexual covert narcissist too - lucky us huh. 25 years he lied and gas lit me to the point where I thought I was the problem, I was the one who was jealous, paranoid and unreasonable.

I know your story and I know he will be a master manipulator. The filming will have been done to get his narcissistic supply, he needs that attention to constantly boost his ego because he has no genuine self esteem.

He is crying because he feels like a victim, he is never to blame for anything. He also CANNOT possibly deal with any kind of rejection, his self esteem can't cope with it so he will do anything to keep you. You are a thing to him, his belonging, his pet - to be treated as he sees fit. He will lie, gas light and manipulate you however he pleases, he will have low empathy and low remorse. So he will never regret hurting you and will never understand how you feel.

He will say and do anything to keep you - I remember mine telling me he would rather cut off a limb than lose me. He doesn't love you though because he is not humanly capable of it. He operates on a superficial level only - everything he does is done to make him look good. It has no depth, no authenticity, no genuine feeling behind it. Everything he says and does is for his own gain in one way or another even when it seems he is doing something nice or kind.

Mine also told me it was my fault that we got married because he's never been attracted to me or loved me. That we got married because I wanted to. Of course what he's conveniently forgetting is that at no point did he ever tell me this. I have piles of cards, letters, postcards telling me how much he loves me, how beautiful he thinks I am, how lucky he is to have me. We were together years before we got married and I had no idea. I thought we were the perfect couple.

Now do what's best for you OP. Put yourself first - because the only person he has ever, or will ever put first is himself.

Ok so I'm basically paralyzed with fear. It's been a couple of weeks of tense times at home, especially in the evenings. Hubby is hanging out near me all the time, something he never used to do. I'm stuck in this place for the time being, I don't know when to have the next big conversations. I feel like it's not fair yo him that I'm I'm limbo like this, but also I'm stuck. I'll have to talk sooner or later because I don't want to kiss or sleep together or any of that stuff. Am I allowed to take some time to figure out how to say what I need to say? How long us too long? I'm thinking after Easter. Dunno if that's unfair.

Head on over to chumplady dot com and meet other people struggling to understand and detox from narcissistic spouses and cheaters. You don’t have to do this alone. When you find your community you will find support and strength to manage the soul sucking emotional vampire who is your husband.

You do not owe him anything! If you decided to give him the silent treatment for the same amount of time he travelled and cheated on you I think you could go way past easter before you even made a dent in what he owes you.

Thank you, I will check that out and keep your words in mind. Thank you!!!

I think you can be honest with him - that finding out about the filming has really hurt you and you are deciding whether you can move on from it. And that he needs to give you space to do that.

It might also be worth asking him what he's going to do about the compulsive behaviour? Why he does it and why can't he stop?

Thanks. I did ask him, he says he doesn't know, and that he's addicted. I think that's shitty.

You need to start putting yourself first, OP. He's following you about because you've taken back a bit of control. It doesn't really matter about how "unfair" this is. His behaviour is unfair, insulting and disrespectful. You asked him not to do this and he continued.

You can take as long as you need. Get your information in order. Sort out a spreadsheet of finances. Make some plans until you feel able to talk it through with him and keep it as amicable as you can.

You don’t need to have a “ big conversation”, now or at Easter. You don’t have to talk to him, kiss him or sleep with him.

He doesn’t get to decide how YOU are going to deal with this, it’s your choice and your life.

This has been going on for YEARS , you don’t have decide what you want to do in ways or weeks. Stop being railroaded by him.

You need to do several things for you

• join a self help group with women like you , either online or in person if you can find one
• find out about your family finances and get legal advice . This will be a process of several meetings and not a one off
• see a counsellor , ideally weekly.

Do all of this for yourself and tell your husband nothing . Not one single word about it. He has plenty to keep him busy, doing his one share or everything at home and cooking half the meals etc . Oh and getting help for his “ addiction “.

It is. What is he planning to do about his addiction?

I found this pretty interesting
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p06qhs5t

You don't have to enable his addiction though x

Sorry I was a bit blunt. My ex was all boohoo, I'm addicted, it's not my fault.
But the fact of the matter is he'd done fuck all about the "addiction" the first time I caught him and just carried on. I'm a bit skeptical about "sex addiction", which was how come I listened to that podcast

Thank you! I really value honesty and bluntness. I've been doing a lot of research regarding my finances and legal stuff...I know where I stand now and it's going to be difficult as I can't leave this house for at least a couple of years. I'm stuck here for now, which I can handle. But he keeps crying nonstop around me, it's very annoying, but I'm not giving in to his "poor me" act. He's crying fir himself and if anything it's fueling my anger because WHAT DID HE EXPECT???? Probably that I'd let it go again. Thank you for the ChumpLady link, that site is so helpful and hilarious.

Yeh, my x was infuriated that I got, to put it simply, turned right off by his behaviour. There were other things going on, he was so controlling and a real true Blamer.

But when I eventually stopped pleading with him to treat me with respect and told him I accepted him as he was but I was over him and wanted out, well he was outraged that he couldn't just "reason" me into feeling to blame for his behaviour.

He was furious, he thought he could manipulative me into continuing to feel obligated to see only the best in him and forgive all the bad (on the grounds that I wasn't perfect either. Never claimed to me perfect, but I wasn't abusive)

His fury at not being able to control me through guilting and obligation just cemented my decision to accept he was beyond redemption and give up.

Such a useful perspective!

I'm ordering the book Leave a cheater, gain a life. I'm a bit worried to order it and have it show up and him get the package instead of me, but then again, who cares, really. I need to book another therapy appointment and also to learn more about mediation - see how much exactly it will cost. I know it will be thousands, and I don't have that. But I got myself another job this week, so that's good. Baby steps. Still haven't had a big talk - but I am giving myself grace. It's only been 3 weeks. I want more information first.

It'll be wrapped, don't worry. These guys never believe that their crappy manipulations are detailed in a book.

Has he ever said (before) what book is that? Tell him it's Kate Hannah's new book. If he asks.

I expect he will argue that it’s not cheating because he’s not has contact sex with these men.

My ex tried to tell me that it wasn’t adultery because he cheated on me with another man. I remember he smirked when he told me this, as if somehow he has played a winning hand in a card game.

Turns out he’s right in terms of the divorce law of the country where we live - sex with someone of the same sex is classed as “ unreasonable behaviour “ , adultery is sex with someone of the opposite sex.

But when you think you are in a monogamous heterosexual marriage, your husband having an affair with a man IS cheating . He doesn’t get to redefine reality with his weasel words.

It’s hard to hold onto the truth when you live with a professional level gaslighter.

Yes, it's not technically cheating here either (I'm not in the UK bit I like Mumsnet). Last night I started to really doubt myself, like maybe I'm making too much of a big deal out of this, and it's not really that serious. I think I'm gaslighting myself. I keep searching for other women with similar stories to make me feel not crazy. Husband has been perfect since I found out.

You are not living your life in court. Each couple gets to decide what a marriage will look like for them. Some couples have “ open marriages “, some agree to not even have a coffee alone with a member of the opposite sex. And everything in between.

So if cyber sex / camming / whatever he doesn’t isn’t Ok for you it’s not ok.

It’s not as if you said you were happy with it before you married and then changed your mind. ( Not saying it’s not ok to change your mind but then the other person might argue you were unreasonable ).

It’s not as if you agreed this would be part of your marriage. He did it behind your back KNOWING that you were not OK with it.

Then when you found out he promised to stop and didn’t . He lied to you about it more. He didn’t try to get therapy for his so called addiction.

NOTHING about his behaviour is honest , decent , fair or reasonable.

Any divorce court would consider this as unreasonable behaviour.

A very large majority of women in a monogamous heterosexual relationship would consider this grounds for a divorce. And even if 1% would be ok with it , YOU ARE NOT THAT WOMAN.

You are not being unreasonable. It’s fine to want out - you have put up with this long enough.

It matters NOT ONE JOT that he’s being nice now. He’s still a deceiful lying man who sells himself online for other men. That’s who he is. He’s not going to change. You know this @DarcyJames3 .

You don’t have to stay with a lying cheat because he’s been nice around the house for a few weeks. Really you don’t.

Anyway if he’s this nice guy, he will be fair and reasonable in the divorce, won’t he ?

Great post. 100% agree with all of it

Thank you SO much. I will reread this when I need to!!! Which is often!!

He's been crying an awful lot and wanting to hug me all the time which is getting annoying. I Start feeling bad for him and then I come on here and reread your messages to set me straight. It truly helps, thank you everyone.
I'm not certain what I need to do, I feel like I need to know for sure before talking to him. I've debated saying we can continue this charade for the kids and he can do whatever he wants but there is no sex from me. Or that we separate but live in the same house (which will be the added trouble of separating finances and paying large legal fees....which is where I'll be eventually if I go with option 1, buying me time to save money...) of course he could always move out but his name would have to stay on the mortgage as I'm in no position to refinance alone or fir a forced sale. There's no where for me to go. I have no family and we live in a very isolated farm town where there are no rentals easily available. I would want to keep my kids in their school to minimize disruption to their lives.
I'm just talking. I will journal. I have a friend who went through this a few years ago and stayed local, I can ask her for advice too. It feels very overwhelming.

I also wonder if he's been reading all of my words and seeing all of my searches, since he easily could from our home network.