The Script - is he too far into it to pull him back to me?

[IAmNotDarling]

H is 42. Last year suddenly started getting interested in his fitness and went for it with running, weights and buying a fancy bike. We’ve been together 25 years and had a happy and loving relationship.

He started pulling away from me around November and made excuses about being busy at work, tired, etc..

He works away periodically; a night or two at a distance and has done for years. Usually accompanied by a colleague (as necessary for the work he does).

He went to his work Xmas do alone, after we couldn’t get a babysitter. He then decided to socialise twice with work over the last the month, involving staying out. Both completely out of character. He started working late and all weekend.

I joked to my Dsis he was probably having an affair. She asked who and I named OW because she’s the only one he works with who has no DC (recently divorced) and I just got a weird vibe when he recruited her 3 years ago. I said nothing to him except I was worried he would burn out. He bought expensive new clothes. I said “oh they’re nice.” He pulled away more. He started getting touchy about his phone. Before he would leave it out and not fuss over it.

I went out for a few drinks after work last night and came home earlier than expected to spend sometime with him before bedtime. He pulled away and made excuses about being uncomfortable after exercising.

Today I’ve been out all day with DD at her hobby and when she went to bed I went to snuggle up to him on the sofa. He pushed me away and said “I can’t do this anymore, I don’t love you.”

I was calm. I asked questions. He quickly fessed up to sleeping with a colleague he travels with. Says he hasn’t been happy for more than a year and that’s why he started exercising. Said he feels alone - DD has a very intense hobby which involve me taking her most evenings.

H says they have fun together but claims it’s only been going on since early January. I don’t believe this. Why would you throw your family away for something going on for only 6 weeks? He says he wants to move out locally (although he works a distance away, as does OW) and be on his own, but also wants to explore things with the OW. He is adamant he doesn’t love me. I asked if he still thought of me as his best friend. That was a resolute no.

I love him and want to save my marriage. Is it too far down the track to pull it back? I can forgive the sex - yes it was unprotected - so I have an STI test already in the post, but it’s the re-writing our history I am struggling with.

My heart is racing. I can’t sleep. I have to be up and out for DD in the morning to help with a big event for her hobby. He’s getting up to fuck off to work early, she has also been going in at weekends to be with him. I bet they’ve been fucking in his office.

I know it’s a total cliche but I never ever suspected he’d cheat.

I’m not trying to cling on because I’m financially dependent on him or because of pride. I am actually very worried he’s lost the plot. OW works for him (his business) and he’s now in a precarious situation. I’ve told him I’m not leaving the house, this is our home and DD needs the stability.

It’s fucked isn’t it?

He moves out. You get time to think about what you want to do next

The rewriting of your marriage is to give him grounds for his actions. I'd lay money that it started long before January. As pp said he needs to move out and you need time to come to terms with your world being blown apart.

Oh my goodness you must be in total shock, even though you had some concerns about this woman and their relationship.

He really should have been joining you and your daughter when she’s doing her intense bobbie, and maybe he will HAVE to in the future, which would cramp his style!

I’d try to be brave and kick him out tomorrow. I’m sure he can find somewhere to stay, and it would give you time to think without him moping around, pining for the OW right in front of you. It would also give him a taste of what it would be like not to have all his home comforts.

when kicking him out remind him that he will be having to look after his daughter every other weekend and a night in the week. Therefore he will HAVE to become more engaged in his daughter’s life, which he appears to have adroitly avoided up until now.

id be avoiding doing the big hobbie event tomorrow. Claim you’ve got Covid or something. He will be thinking he has hours of free time on his own to do with what he wants. Little does he know you and your daughter will be staying at home and he will be bgetting bin bagged.

also if you’ve not slept tonight you need to rest and recover and take care of yourself, this is one of the most horrible situations one can go through.

Get angry, throw all his stuff out in bin bags on the front path. How dare he play on the fact that you’ve obviously sacrificed a lot of time and effort on your daughter’s hobbie whilst he’s been day dreaming with his piece of fluff. How entitled is he?!!

rest tomorrow day, get friends round to support you, and tell him firmly to go because he’s betrayed you.

you may find that when you’ve burst his bubble and friends and family are rallying around you that he suddenly sees where his priorities really are. Definitely tell him to get out of your home and sanctuary because you need time and space to think and not murder him.

definitely get some IRL help round tomorrow. And take care of yourself. He can take your daughter to her hobbie for once!

my husband had an affair 13 years ago. We are absolutely fine now, but for a solid 6 months things were so tough. Once you bin bagged him, if he misses home and wants to return he must cut all contact with the OW utterly and completely.

I do hope you get some rest tomorrow. Drink lots of tea and eat when you feel able to. Look after yourself and keep us updated on here.

I hope you are resting now xxx

I didn't really understand your poll because both the answers seem to mean your marriage is screwed. I'm afraid it is. I'm so sorry - this is a horrible thing to live through. As you say, rewriting history is very much part of the script. When it happened to me, I just felt contempt: it's such a transparent effort to excuse himself for his inexcusable actions.

A marriage is two people. There's only one of you in yours now. Send him off to do whatever he's going to do, and surround yourself with good people who care for you.

Sorry, OP

It’s been going on a lot longer than January. Maybe that’s when they had sex for the first time (although I’d wager it was long before that).

So, yes, it’s absolutely over.

Please do not do the ‘pick me’ dance.

Unless you’re sure you want to push him away. In which case, do do it.

You tell him - fine, it’s over. You move out now, and we’ll figure out how co-parenting is going to work.

Don’t try to fight for him. It does not work when only one half of the partnership is interested in fighting.

Thank you. I don’t have anyone locally. I’ve just been on the phone to my Dsis for a few hours.

I realise the poll question is wrong. Or maybe it’s just my conscious telling me it’s lost.

It’s a huge day for DD’s hobby. She trains mornings and evenings and this is the main opportunity for her to qualify to participate at a higher level this year. If she misses it, the window has gone. He knew this when he dropped the bomb tonight. He takes her in the mornings and I do the evenings.

Dsis wants to tear him a new one, but I decided that she needs to stay quiet for now and he has to be the one to tell everyone what he is doing. His DPs will be devastated. My DF will never forgive him.

If I tell him it’s over then I’m doing the hard work aren’t I? He’s the one who wants to destroy our lives, why should I make it easier for him?

Just tell him he's welcome to move out and sort his life out.

Don't play the pick me game.

Start getting your ducks in a row, especially financially and make it crystal clear you're not going to make excuses to anyone for why he's moved out.

That he's made this choice to implode his family and he can deal with the fallout.

What a dick.

Let him move out. Ensure you have a cast iron custody agreement near or at 50:50. He needs to have his responsibilities still. The other relationship may or may not go the distance. He’ll need to sort his work so he can fulfil his custody agreement. He seems to be under the impression he just gets walk away. So sorry this has happened. I’d not be able to trust again and the relationship would be over for me as I need that for there to be one.

Be angry but be calm. Don’t put his stuff in bin bags - that allows you to be written off as a psycho and he’s making the right decision.

Say maybe he’s right. Massive you’ve been feeling the same. Tell him space is a good thing right now and he needs to leave so YOU can decide how you feel. Let him see you cope just fine without him.

OW is the “exciting” choice right now. Let’s see how exciting she is when you seem calm, not bothered and when he loses the security of being able to just go home to the wife who desperately wants him.

So what’s he proposing?

He told you he doesn’t love you anymore, and that he’s sleeping with someone else.

How was it left?

That was him dumping you, wasn’t it? He can hardly be expecting to carry on as if nothing was said - living married life, being a husband and father…….?

He’s already told you it’s over….? He’s done the ‘hard work’, if that’s now you want to phrase it.

What you do now, is lay down your boundaries - he moves out, and he parents 50:50 now.

This.

It’s going to take some time for you to believe that it’ll be fine, but it will.

For now, calm and considered; and make it crystal clear without saying it that he won’t be swanning off to his exciting new OW but having the security of a pick-up-and-play wife at home as a security blanket.

Agree with the other pps, let him go. Its not unusual to have a crush during a long marriage but you don't need to act on it. Say you've thought about what he's said and done and he's right he has to move out. Let's make it as easy as we can for our daughter and not string it out. 50 50 responsibility for our daughter. Sad but if that's your choice then you have to go.

This will certainly take 90% of the thrill of the new girlfriend away from him as he has to face the reality of what he has lost which is mainly your and your daughter's respect for him. Move on, grieve and be happy op.

I’m so sorry op. Agree with all pps, do NOT do the pick me dance. He has done what they ALL bloody do in this situation, rewrite history to justify when he knows somewhere in him is his own utterly shit, selfish behaviour. Stay calm, literally icy cold. Tell him you do not recognise the person before you, and he is certainly NOT the man you thought he was and YOU want him to leave because you have no interest in living with a stranger who can behave in such an appalling manner. This is not what you signed up for.

There is a fair chance miss shiny new minge will lose her sparkle. Affairs are all about the forbidden and the hidden and the secrets. Once they are exposed to the cold reality of life, they often fall apart. The “star crossed lovers who just couldn’t help themselves” shite all goes a bit pear shaped when it’s no longer an exciting game. They are a vile pair of twats who frankly deserve each other.

That said, even if he does come crawling back that doesn’t mean you should give him the time of day. He has betrayed you in the worst possible way and the fall out from this will be enormous. Look after you now, put yourself first in everything and protect yourself and dc at all costs. Also, have a look at Surviving Infidelity. Loads of good advice on there from people who have been where you are. It’s shit op, it really is, but you will get through it. Massive unmumsnetty hugs and a kick in the balls to the idiot!!!

All of this. ^^

Take back control.

Meanwhile, ducks in a row. He does the hobby today, you are "ill" at home and you get busy taking copies/photos of all paperwork....

Why are you trying to fight for him? Hes made his bed.

And actually, ‘the script’, I thought, always involved the cheating person denying, lying and gaslighting.

Whereas, he’s actually been surprisingly upfront about sleeping with her and cheating on you.

Which very much does suggest he’s picked his lane, and it’s not yours.

Don’t degrade yourself. Leave them both to it - they deserve each other.

I agree with all of this. But he's treated you terribly and the lack of protection is an outrageous risk.

I don't understand this.

It's already over.

He has told you her doesn't love you and wants to move out.

That's over. You don't need to tell him this.

He told you last night

Go and read Chump Lady online. I’m sorry OP

Definitely make him go to the hobby today. Wake up and pretend to your daughter you're really unwell. That way if the dad refuses he will look very unreasonable.

Then sit down and have a breather. Have a cry if you need to.

Then sort your shit out. Get your ducks in a row. Invite your sister over to help.

He's chosen the other woman. After the way he's spoken to and treated you, tell him to leave.

Also, tell him childcare is 50/50.

Once he realises he isn't going off to live a fantasy the shine will come off the affair. But they might be serious about each other, and you need to accept that and maintain your dignity.

Better things are coming for you.

He has made his choice and has checked out of the marriage. all that is left now are the formalities. It was a nasty way of doing it but that is usually the case. Sorry this has happened to you but all you can do now is regain control of the situation on your terms and move on. See a solicitor and try and get things moving along, don't drag it out.

He has told you it's over! What more do you need to hear? He's sleeping with another woman. Doesn't love you and wants to move out

Tell him he needs to leave. Today. Quietly & without fuss while you are out with your dd (tell her he had to suddenly travel to work if you’re not ready to tell her today).

How old is your dd? He does need to provide some care for her but realistically he may need time to get a place sorted. Maybe you could have some time away (visit your sister?) while he provides care based in the house?

i’m sorry OP. What a childish shit he is.

It’s all very well everyone demanding he does 50/50 childcare but the reality is you can’t force someone to parent.

My ex did exactly the same thing. Completely blew my world apart. I honestly never ever thought he was that guy. I really feel for you OP it’s the most awful and hardest thing to go through. It will take a lot of time to process and come to term with. I promise it does get less painful in time. So sorry you are going through this.