The Script - is he too far into it to pull him back to me?

[IAmNotDarling]

H is 42. Last year suddenly started getting interested in his fitness and went for it with running, weights and buying a fancy bike. We’ve been together 25 years and had a happy and loving relationship.

He started pulling away from me around November and made excuses about being busy at work, tired, etc..

He works away periodically; a night or two at a distance and has done for years. Usually accompanied by a colleague (as necessary for the work he does).

He went to his work Xmas do alone, after we couldn’t get a babysitter. He then decided to socialise twice with work over the last the month, involving staying out. Both completely out of character. He started working late and all weekend.

I joked to my Dsis he was probably having an affair. She asked who and I named OW because she’s the only one he works with who has no DC (recently divorced) and I just got a weird vibe when he recruited her 3 years ago. I said nothing to him except I was worried he would burn out. He bought expensive new clothes. I said “oh they’re nice.” He pulled away more. He started getting touchy about his phone. Before he would leave it out and not fuss over it.

I went out for a few drinks after work last night and came home earlier than expected to spend sometime with him before bedtime. He pulled away and made excuses about being uncomfortable after exercising.

Today I’ve been out all day with DD at her hobby and when she went to bed I went to snuggle up to him on the sofa. He pushed me away and said “I can’t do this anymore, I don’t love you.”

I was calm. I asked questions. He quickly fessed up to sleeping with a colleague he travels with. Says he hasn’t been happy for more than a year and that’s why he started exercising. Said he feels alone - DD has a very intense hobby which involve me taking her most evenings.

H says they have fun together but claims it’s only been going on since early January. I don’t believe this. Why would you throw your family away for something going on for only 6 weeks? He says he wants to move out locally (although he works a distance away, as does OW) and be on his own, but also wants to explore things with the OW. He is adamant he doesn’t love me. I asked if he still thought of me as his best friend. That was a resolute no.

I love him and want to save my marriage. Is it too far down the track to pull it back? I can forgive the sex - yes it was unprotected - so I have an STI test already in the post, but it’s the re-writing our history I am struggling with.

My heart is racing. I can’t sleep. I have to be up and out for DD in the morning to help with a big event for her hobby. He’s getting up to fuck off to work early, she has also been going in at weekends to be with him. I bet they’ve been fucking in his office.

I know it’s a total cliche but I never ever suspected he’d cheat.

I’m not trying to cling on because I’m financially dependent on him or because of pride. I am actually very worried he’s lost the plot. OW works for him (his business) and he’s now in a precarious situation. I’ve told him I’m not leaving the house, this is our home and DD needs the stability.

It’s fucked isn’t it?

I’m sorry OP, what an arse. You’re stronger than you think and you will survive this and be happy again.

Glad you've found your rage OP, well done. What a prat he is. I can practically hear the tiny violin he's playing for himself from here.

Your head must feel like it’s exploding OP . Don’t be afraid to see your GP and take time off work sick to enable to process these life changing events.
Likewise going through the menopause is brutal. Don’t ignore it . HRT was like a miracle cure to me , don’t ignore your symptoms. For me it did feel like I was going mad, awful and it does feel a bit like depression but not.
When my Dad left , he never expected my Mum to see a solicitor and get a legal separation. She said one of her friends asked her what would you do if you were advising a friend whose husband has behaved like A ? She said it changed her mindset from victim to lioness.
Its uncomfortable but change things like banking passwords, Netflix , bills , Alexa . Your will, insurance, work ,beneficiaries etc. Get together financial information about his business , savings , pensions , credit cards etc.
My mum forgot to change his name from her life insurance. He used the money supposed to pay for her funeral on a Caribbean honeymoon - we paid for her funeral instead. Unforgivable.
Speak to a divorce solicitor as soon as possible . If you can’t change the locks I’d put snecks on the doors to make you feel more comfortable.
You are now protecting your child’s and your own future.
Gather support from a few trusted friends & give yourself time to process. Be kind to yourself.
This is all his doing

I'm so sorry that your Dad behaved like this @Pumpkinpie1.

Your post is giving excellent advice.

Not read the whole thread and I think I am too late to vote.
You have my 100% sympathy I have been through something similar.
Having said that, from what I have seen (not just my situation but others) once men start coming out with the script it is complete and utter illusion that you could "pull him back to you" as your title says. Sorry. You have no control over his thoughts or actions, especially in this type of situation.

@EmilyGilmoreenergy

My ex husband behaved practically exactly as the op's has, and came out with similar crap. He didn't love me, wasn't happy, had never been really happy, he deserved to be happy etc. Strangely though right up until him meeting the OW he had seemed very happy, was telling me he loved me and was happy to continue having sex with me whilst also seeing the OW. It was 100% the script. He's admitted at times since that he was happy, misses me, misses our family.

@IAmNotDarling as everyone has said don't plead with him to stay, my ex at this point did stay and told me he wanted to work things out. I loved him and was so distraught at the thought of our teen dd's lives being turned upside down I wanted to try too. He actually continued seeing the OW, gaslighted me for months and made me feel like I was going mad. I kicked him out a few months later when I found out. I should have told him to leave straight away.

I think you can reconcile but the work will be vast. Cheaters poor characteristics make it very hard for them to reconcile. Leaving will mean you recover quicker. Reconciliation will generally take 2-5 years with a decent cheat who comes out of the fog and doesn’t trickle truth or take the affair underground.

Post on the surviving infidelity website and you will get advice from very experienced posters. It’s slower than here.

Your first goal is to get yourself out of infidelity. ‘Dear husband, I love you and want our marriage to work. However there is one thing worse than divorcing you and that is living in infidelity. I am not prepared to do that. At the moment I am prepared to do what we can to make our marriage a success. However every day that passes that offer will reduce’. Then do not discuss further. ‘We have nothing to discuss as you are still choosing infidelity’. Then seek legal advice. The pick me dance doesn’t work. Divorce papers may bring him out of the fog. It goes against your gut though.

Follow the 180 to look after yourself. Remove any notion he has of ‘getting back together in the future’. Ie he will test drive new woman then come crawling back. ‘Sorry husband but I am not messing the children about, once divorced we are not getting back together. It is not fair on our family and I am not prepared to do that’. Take away his options.

Exercise daily. Drink and eat healthily. Dress in nice clothes every day. And always remember that YOU are the prize here.

He’s a common midlife cheat and she is a woman prepared to be hidden from view. They are both low value individuals. You are a woman who sticks by her word (vows) even when times have been tough. YOU are the prize her and don’t forget it.

So developments.

I’d mixed up the backstories of two if his employees. OW is married with a teen DC.

She has left her husband and that is what’s triggered him into action. They’re welcome to each other. 6 weeks my arse.

There’s no way back for him now.

I will be seeking to petition for divorce on the grounds of adultery. He has gone. I watched him on security camera packing up his life into his car and his mate collecting his golf clubs. I felt nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I had a coffee before work with a friend and a good chat. My job involves getting shit done under pressure and I’m fucking excellent at it. I spoke to my manager who told me to do what I have to do, work/don’t work for the next two weeks and she’s got my back. We agree that I might be overly optimistic but she knows I won’t take the piss and will get formally signed off if I need to. Work will be a welcome distraction and I’ve told my deputy and he will step up and in where I can’t. Friend is worried I will break drown later on, so I have got on my list booking a counsellor. My work has a service I can use.

I’ve contacted a lawyer recommended by a discreet professional contact.

Where practical advice has been given here I have made a list and will start working through. Yesterday I removed him from the security camera account and told him he doesn’t get to see who comes and goes at my home. I’ll be removing him from my subscriptions.

On my health, thanks for the advice. Results should be in the next few days. I’ve booked to have my roots done and pre-warned my lovely stylist.

We’re talking to DD together tonight. He’s taking her to her hobby in the mornings this week (if she wants to go). I will do the evenings and run errands. A friend has said she was drop her home if I need her too. I think routine will be good for both of us.

Thanks to everyone who has commented. Even the one suggesting centring my child’s hobby contributed to this situation. He did this to us. Not her fucking sport! If anything I think it will have helped build her resilience.

I hope I can rely on my own resilience. If I do buckle under the pressure at least I will have started of stopping. I don’t think I will though, I’m a fucking lioness and I’m going to protect my girl and my home.

Oops *started off.

OP, you are fucking amazing.

I know it is going to be hell, but you will get through it.

Well done. You’re doing all the right things. He will get no pick me, from you.

You are indeed a lioness OP x
You have moved mountains but that is exhausting, be kind to yourself & take time to take a rest when you need to.

Telling your DD will be difficult. Balancing anger & betrayal with your DD need for her relationship with her Dad won’t be easy.
Just try & think before you speak & try to have adult arguments out of her earshot.

Easy to say not easy to do x

@IAmNotDarling

Girl, you are on fire!!!

I think you'll get through this just fine. Not to say there won't be tears and anger, just that you will keep moving forward through them.

But if there's going to be a 'breakdown' I think it'll happen when you've come out the other side. I'm great under pressure too, and that's how things usually work for me. I can power through any crisis, but once it's over I often have my 'falling apart' period. But at least I know what needs to be done has been done.

Along with the camera & subscriptions, it's a good idea to change all your important passwords (bank, Amazon, credit cards, streaming services, etc).

Honestly, I would not wait around waiting for him to decide everything and call the shots. When he is at work, pack all of his bags and put them on the doorstep. If you know where OW lives then dump them on her doorstep and tell her she can have him. The shock of being kicked out, the reality of having him living with her and basically pulling the rug will at best make him see sense and treat you with some new found respect for having backbone or at worst speed up the breakup process so you can move forwards but also show him and her that you are no pushover. I genuinely wouldn't be waiting for the axe to fall. I would take control because he sees you as someone who is weak and a bit of a drag. If you act all pathetic, it will only increase his contempt. get his stuff out, change the locks, get legal advice. You may find that he will try to crawl back but you won't want him. If you are really up for it, pack his bags, take them into his workplace and ask for the other woman and tell her she is welcome to him at the top of your voice. It will kill both of them as they will never be able to stop the rumours and gossip there. Take it with a pinch of salt or adapt as you wish but DO NOT act like a limo lettuce awaiting his verdict on how your life will be. Good luck. Fortune favours the brave. At this point you have nothing left to lose. Pull the rug from underneath him and kick him out with his bags on the doorstep! And if anyone asks, tell them the truth, why should you cover up for him?

Oh yes and finally, act nonchalant with him like you couldn't care less and start taking care of yourself so when he turns up to collect your child for daddy duties, you are dressed, made up and looking nice. get a friend to call you while he is there and excuse yourself, to take the call then laugh out loud whilst in there before marching back in saying 'Well I think that is everything, I will expect DC back tomorrow at X o'clock'. It will kill him! He is going to expect you to be either a tear stained limp dish rag OR an angry, avenging harpy. Don't be either. You are a together, in control, fun loving woman who is moving on with your life whenever you are in front of him or his family. Even if you crumple once he has gone. If you are doing the 'pick me' thing, you will lose not only him but your self respect. You have got this!

This!

He is having an affair and wants to leave.
Let him go. He has made up his mind, let him go and see if the grass is greener.
He has betrayed you and your daughter, now he's turning it around its your fault.
You need to remember you coped perfectly well before you met him, and you will again.
Change is scary and we cling to familiarity, no matter how toxic it is.
Nothing good will come from you begging and pleading, this is a shock for you, but he has probably been leading up to this for months.
Find your dignity, strength and self respect, this is just an end of a chapter.
Usually you tend to find the one that has the affair and leaves, ends up in a massive mess further down the line, whilst the other partner has adjusted quite nicely to life without the cheater. It's a funny old world.

Remember to get the CMS claim going straight away too.

Is he likely to step up and do 50/50? I doubt it and doubt your dd would want that too.

Actions have consequences and if he thinks he can play Disney dad when it suits then you can use any CMS to spoil you and your dd.

I'm so so sorry this is happening.

So sorry you are going though this op, sounds like you’ve got this x

On the hair falling out… try ferritin supplements, correctly (empty stomach, not to be followed by diary or tannins eg tea). FerroDyn off Amazon has been amazing for me.

Thank you for helping me get my head straight. He knows I use MN and I expect him and OW will find this thread. So some final updates/comments from me.

I will be going grey rock now DD knows.

My DD is amazing. I’m so proud of how she is working through her emotions. We are going to make our home welcoming to friends and family. STBXH kept our home life very small.

I love my sister. She is my BF. She’d move mountains for me. I’m lucky to have her.

Now it’s out there I can see that I have such strong friendships close by and further away. I’ll never be alone.

Our parents know. I expect that IL’s initial reactions will move over time. We (DD & I) will visit them next week and spend a few days with each.

I have to create some space in my life to process my grief. This will mean stepping back from the voluntary positions that I hold. They will understand.

I’ve been studying for a new professional qualification which I used to use the time on my train commute to do, while DD was at her hobby and STBXH was busy focussing on his fitness on. I’m on the last exam module but I can postpone it.

The next chapter of my life will be even more awesome than (on the whole) this one has been. Like Miley says - I can love me better. Fuck STBXH.

Remind him that the grass always looks greener. Until you roll in it. Tell him to leave the house and go and stay somewhere else. When the reality of the situation dawns on him he may have second thoughts. Equally he might not look back at all. Nothing more you can do.

It appears he can't explain the reason why he's unhappy with your marriage or why he no longer lives you. Which implies his head has been turned rather than something that's happened between the two of you.

I will just add that whatever your daughter's hobby is, it sounds incredibly time consuming and seems to be dictating your entire household routine and using every free moment all of you might otherwise have. With him taking DD every morning and you every evening and weekends there can't be any time left for anything else, like spending any time together as a couple. That it comes up so predominantly in your op about the state of your marriage shows how significant it is. Admirable that you're both so dedicated to your dd, but it has to be affecting your marriage.

I'm amazed at your strength to ensure you and DD will come out of this with heads held high. Hope other folks in unfortunately same position follow your template. Getting your support networks - family, work, volunteer work - in place was your number one priority, followed by home security - he does not need to know who visits YOUR home. Empathy - when you said you watched his friend helping him load up stuff - obviously golf clubs were particularly important! - and you felt nothing xx

An amazing update! What a women and fantastic role model for you and DD. A whole exciting chapter awaits you.

Well done op, I wouldn’t postpone the exam though, it sounds like you have the work already built into your schedule and it will make a difference to your career when you pass.

Re 'Empathy' - I was referring mine to you, not to him!