The Script - is he too far into it to pull him back to me?

[IAmNotDarling]

H is 42. Last year suddenly started getting interested in his fitness and went for it with running, weights and buying a fancy bike. We’ve been together 25 years and had a happy and loving relationship.

He started pulling away from me around November and made excuses about being busy at work, tired, etc..

He works away periodically; a night or two at a distance and has done for years. Usually accompanied by a colleague (as necessary for the work he does).

He went to his work Xmas do alone, after we couldn’t get a babysitter. He then decided to socialise twice with work over the last the month, involving staying out. Both completely out of character. He started working late and all weekend.

I joked to my Dsis he was probably having an affair. She asked who and I named OW because she’s the only one he works with who has no DC (recently divorced) and I just got a weird vibe when he recruited her 3 years ago. I said nothing to him except I was worried he would burn out. He bought expensive new clothes. I said “oh they’re nice.” He pulled away more. He started getting touchy about his phone. Before he would leave it out and not fuss over it.

I went out for a few drinks after work last night and came home earlier than expected to spend sometime with him before bedtime. He pulled away and made excuses about being uncomfortable after exercising.

Today I’ve been out all day with DD at her hobby and when she went to bed I went to snuggle up to him on the sofa. He pushed me away and said “I can’t do this anymore, I don’t love you.”

I was calm. I asked questions. He quickly fessed up to sleeping with a colleague he travels with. Says he hasn’t been happy for more than a year and that’s why he started exercising. Said he feels alone - DD has a very intense hobby which involve me taking her most evenings.

H says they have fun together but claims it’s only been going on since early January. I don’t believe this. Why would you throw your family away for something going on for only 6 weeks? He says he wants to move out locally (although he works a distance away, as does OW) and be on his own, but also wants to explore things with the OW. He is adamant he doesn’t love me. I asked if he still thought of me as his best friend. That was a resolute no.

I love him and want to save my marriage. Is it too far down the track to pull it back? I can forgive the sex - yes it was unprotected - so I have an STI test already in the post, but it’s the re-writing our history I am struggling with.

My heart is racing. I can’t sleep. I have to be up and out for DD in the morning to help with a big event for her hobby. He’s getting up to fuck off to work early, she has also been going in at weekends to be with him. I bet they’ve been fucking in his office.

I know it’s a total cliche but I never ever suspected he’d cheat.

I’m not trying to cling on because I’m financially dependent on him or because of pride. I am actually very worried he’s lost the plot. OW works for him (his business) and he’s now in a precarious situation. I’ve told him I’m not leaving the house, this is our home and DD needs the stability.

It’s fucked isn’t it?

The more I read on these heartbreaking threads, the more I despair of men. I honestly believed your STBXH would wake up, beg forgiveness and realise his mistake. I can't believe he's made no progress with his daughter. I'm so glad she has you, I really hope karma comes to bite him and he gets everything he deserves. Hope you move on and I send you peace and strength in the coming months. X

Gosh what a year youve both had! I'm learning quickly from reading yours and other women's posts that being financially independent from your partner helps enormously in a breakup. Your ex is something else, his life is wrecked whilst you're thriving.

Thanks, I meant the Consent Order is being drawn up.

@Diarygirlqueen I thought he’d have come to his senses by now too. However with her working for him (and being a gold digging whore) I expect there’s no incentive for either of them to stop.

@wizzywig yes financial independence is invaluable and being able to run the household on one income. I’m incredibly lucky that I was able to set up our lives in that way; we were never over extended with the mortgage and had no debt.

I don’t feel like I’m thriving. I’m exhausted. I never signed up to be a lone parent. I am moving on though and I am open to sharing my life with another man in the future. @Spix I need my world to get bigger and for this to be put behind us.

@IAmNotDarling is your ex not making any contact or will your daughter not have any contact unless he leaves the ow, which I think was the ultimatum she gave him last time?
i can hear the exhaustion in your post re being a lone parent. However I am glad you are open to meeting / sharing your life with another man in the future. You deserve being in a loving relationship and hope you find someone who will light up your world and also embrace your dd. Hope she’s doing better.

@IAmNotDarling I need my world to get bigger and for this to be put behind us.

Don't hold out for someone to do this for you. Go through the FDR process. Then it's in your hands.

If I can share what I would do. Spend time alone. Make the best you. Then go exploring.

He isn’t making any contact regarding DD and won’t engage with me on anything but the divorce or finances, so DD has nothing to prompt her to think about recinding her ultimatum.

No effort on his part to break the stalemate.

I wholeheartedly support DD’s right to chose who she has in her life, even if it means limiting my world.

@IAmNotDarling i find it awful the way men can cut off their kids like that for the sake of an ow. He should still be showing her he wants and and to keep trying to break the stalemate. I am sorry you are left in such a situation and yes in all honesty it is a bit life limiting right now as you dd is fragile right now. With her age it’s not as bad as hsving under 5’s and she will only get more indroendent . I hope your in laws can continue to support you and give you time off from dd. My in laws have always supported me and firmly rejected ow. They have looked after my kids a lot. My poor fil passed a few weeks ago and I have grieved hard like the rest of the family and with them. You will find a way to make it work because quite frankly you have to. For now it’s pretty much get divorce paperwork out of the way and start a new normal. I do hope he tries to make contact with her for her sake because she must feel so abandoned plus no siblings.

Another month has passed with no contact between DD and her F. 8 months now. I’ve given up hope of them ever having a relationship again. DD is struggling with her sadness and disappointment over the abandonment. I’ve made peace with being the sole parent, I just need to figure out how arrange life so I have as little as possible to do with him. I don’t want to have to contact him each time I want to travel with DD.

He has cleared out the last of his things from the family home.

Our divorce progresses but he’s dragging his heels with financial settlement, digging his heals over my efforts to maintain parity of lifestyle for DD. The solicitors fees are painful but his desire to buy a house with OW will drive him to settle soon enough.

You are doing great @IAmNotDarling i am sorry you’re dd is struggling of course it’s natural that she will be.

are you making plans for Christmas coming as that is obviously going to be a very hard time.
harder maybe if he decides to crawl out of the woodwork with a gift for dd acting like it’s not doing that is not throwing a bomb in her life!

Thanks @Ginkypig . We have lovely plans over Xmas. We’re going to my DSis and then to see ILs for NY. I’m actually going out on NYE for the first time in years and really excited about it.

I don’t think he will try to give her a gift. For her birthday he tried to buy her back and she wasn’t having any of it.

If you make a Child Arrangement Order as part of the divorce, you will be able to travel with DD without needing his consent. I realise that's not the biggest issue you're facing, but as you mentioned it I thought I would post some information about it. I would consider also asking for an order which allows you to move to another area without his permission. I'm sure you have no plans to do so, but if he wants to check out of parenting entirely, he should have no power over your decisions.

I really thought he would have seen sense by now from your last post especially with her partying lifestyle. He sounds as if he's a completely different man. I hope everything resolves quickly and painlessly for you and fingers crossed the new year brings better days for you and you can move on from this piece of sh**.
Wishing you and your daughter a great Xmas.

Glad you have nice plans for the Christmas period @IAmNotDarling with your daughter.

It is so sad that he seems to have completely changed and is destroying his relationship with his daughter to the point of no return. I hope you can get him to agree on a financial settlement very soon which will be reasonable in making provision for your DD and her very important but expensive hobby and not expecting you to pay for all that

Enjoy your Christmas Festivities as much as you can. You deserve it

Like so many men who leave for another woman, the new behaviors of these men, the way they blow everyone’s life up with no care is the most stunning and hardest to reconcile to the man that the wife knew.
You carrying on dogging your heels in to maintain your DDs lifestyle - it’s the least he can do. I am so sorry she’s still so sad. Is she still going for counselling, Even with counselling, it doesn’t take away the facts in the good light of day.
Coming to you lastly but not least @IAmNotDarling . I am glad you have things planned and are excited and that your in laws continue to play an active part in your lives, Get your self looking stunning and have the best New Year’s Eve ever, start the new year as you mean to continue, You’ve had to adjust so much, your life has changed so much, you are not at the other end yet but you will get there, like many women that have been through it. keep going, we are all rooting for you. Thank you for updating us xx

DD hit rock bottom with her mental health and wanted her F to know how low she was feeling. She messaged him a cry for attention and it took me, MIL and the therapist all day to convince him he needed to show up in person for her. His initial response was along the lines of ‘Oh dear. Let me know if you want to see me.’ He should have been straight over as soon as he read it.

Since then she’s seen him twice for brief meetings and they’re sticking to superficial chit chat. He’s only offering days that suit him, not DD. The day that suits the most appears to be the day he goes to a spin class with the OW so his priorities are still skewed. He better not fuck this up.

I can’t believe the lack of care for your Dd that he’s shown as a dad and as a person. Your poor daughter, she must have cracked with all the build up to Christmas. It’s weird you posted today as was thinking of how you are both doing. It’s great you have such a supportive Mil. What an absolute pos he is. It must be awful for you too, trying to reconcile these actions to a person you once loved and respected. I really hope he doesn’t let her down but as you said, is priority is still the OW over anything else :(

Just what I wanted to say @Secondstart1001
Why are these dads abandoning their children, he's an absolute disgrace.

I hope the of 2 can have a peaceful Christmas

@Secondstart1001 I think it was Xmas but also knowing that the divorce isn’t far off completion.

He is a POS. He’s driving DD to her hobby tomorrow as I have theatre tickets (got them 13 months ago!) with friends and the lift I sorted out for DD has fallen through. He’s made a song and dance over rearranging meetings (on a Friday PM yeah right) at work to do it and is seeing it as a favour for me, not an opportunity to spent time with DD.

He was never selfish until his MLC. I can’t reconcile this POS with the man I loved. It’s making it easier for me to move on. Also he looks like shit. Painfully thin and miserable. That I am taking great delight in when I look the best I have in 20 years. I’ve lost 3.5st since February and I’m in size 10-12 from a size 18.

What a shame he's turned out like this OP. I wonder of the new woman is jealous of any time or attention that he gives his daughter?
(Not that it isn't on him of course!)

@Mrsbloggz The OW had his full attention for the last 8 months (and most of it for the past 12). One can only assume she’s going to have her nose put out of joint. If she had any decency 1) she wouldn’t have taken up with a married man and cheated on her own partner 2) she would have stepped aside when she knew she was a blocker to his relationship with DD.

There’s too much at stake for her (shagging your boss in a small county in a limited profession) - she’ll absolutely see DD as a threat. She’s going to come out fighting.

I feel for you - l really struggle with the man my husband is now. So cold, selfish and thoughtless. Not the person l loved. Honestly- be grateful he has shown his true colours and sit back, because his new woman will be getting the same treatment when he tires of her.

Two weeks short of a year and my divorce is final and finances sorted.

DD is doing okay. She’s seeing her dad for what he is now, and has very low expectations. He was initially dropping detail of his life into conversation but DD made it clear she has no intention of ever accepting OW. He has stopped mentioning her but it seems to have resulted in conversations drying up because his life is wholly focused around OW.

He has told DD he’s moved in with OW full time an hour away and won’t have a separate home locally where she can stay with him. He refuses to adjust his plans to spend time with DD to meet her schedule, but told her he’s in a support group for Estranged Fathers and “it’s really helping him.” He saw DD for 3 hours over Xmas break because he was ‘too busy’ for longer. I doubt he’s honest with members of his group about how his choices are what limits time with his DD.

I’m no longer struggling with the piece of shit XH has become. I simply want him to impact on our lives as minimally as possible.

I have been dating someone who has put a spring in my step and the sparkle back in my eyes. DD met him after 3 months and likes him. She’s happy that I’m happy. I’m cautious and taking things very slowly but I won’t let what XH and OW did cast a shadow over the rest of my life or DD’s.

@IAmNotDarling I’m glad you’re moving on with your life, but so sorry that your dd has been virtually abandoned by her father. ‘Too busy’, omg. Three hours over the Christmas break - and is in a group for estranged fathers. Strange father more like it….what happens to these men that they can do this? Anyway, wishing you and dd all the best, you both deserve it after what that man has put you through.

I am pleased things are improving and you and your DD are moving forward.
Your poor DD, your ex is one nasty excuse for a man, isn't he.
Much love to you both you are both amazing women x

I’m so pleased with your update. Hope DD is ok