The Script - is he too far into it to pull him back to me?

[IAmNotDarling]

H is 42. Last year suddenly started getting interested in his fitness and went for it with running, weights and buying a fancy bike. We’ve been together 25 years and had a happy and loving relationship.

He started pulling away from me around November and made excuses about being busy at work, tired, etc..

He works away periodically; a night or two at a distance and has done for years. Usually accompanied by a colleague (as necessary for the work he does).

He went to his work Xmas do alone, after we couldn’t get a babysitter. He then decided to socialise twice with work over the last the month, involving staying out. Both completely out of character. He started working late and all weekend.

I joked to my Dsis he was probably having an affair. She asked who and I named OW because she’s the only one he works with who has no DC (recently divorced) and I just got a weird vibe when he recruited her 3 years ago. I said nothing to him except I was worried he would burn out. He bought expensive new clothes. I said “oh they’re nice.” He pulled away more. He started getting touchy about his phone. Before he would leave it out and not fuss over it.

I went out for a few drinks after work last night and came home earlier than expected to spend sometime with him before bedtime. He pulled away and made excuses about being uncomfortable after exercising.

Today I’ve been out all day with DD at her hobby and when she went to bed I went to snuggle up to him on the sofa. He pushed me away and said “I can’t do this anymore, I don’t love you.”

I was calm. I asked questions. He quickly fessed up to sleeping with a colleague he travels with. Says he hasn’t been happy for more than a year and that’s why he started exercising. Said he feels alone - DD has a very intense hobby which involve me taking her most evenings.

H says they have fun together but claims it’s only been going on since early January. I don’t believe this. Why would you throw your family away for something going on for only 6 weeks? He says he wants to move out locally (although he works a distance away, as does OW) and be on his own, but also wants to explore things with the OW. He is adamant he doesn’t love me. I asked if he still thought of me as his best friend. That was a resolute no.

I love him and want to save my marriage. Is it too far down the track to pull it back? I can forgive the sex - yes it was unprotected - so I have an STI test already in the post, but it’s the re-writing our history I am struggling with.

My heart is racing. I can’t sleep. I have to be up and out for DD in the morning to help with a big event for her hobby. He’s getting up to fuck off to work early, she has also been going in at weekends to be with him. I bet they’ve been fucking in his office.

I know it’s a total cliche but I never ever suspected he’d cheat.

I’m not trying to cling on because I’m financially dependent on him or because of pride. I am actually very worried he’s lost the plot. OW works for him (his business) and he’s now in a precarious situation. I’ve told him I’m not leaving the house, this is our home and DD needs the stability.

It’s fucked isn’t it?

Thank you. She did brilliantly and her hard work paid off. Hobby is a sport where parent participation to run events is required. I didn’t want to let anyone down so I made H drive us because it wasn’t safe for me to drive.

I was able to function (so said I’d been up all night after eating a takeaway) yet two friends saw through this and coaxed it out of me. Some IRL support was helpful. DD didn’t spot anything but H could see me throughout a conversation which essentially went;

Male friend - what’s going on? You’re not you. You look like shit. H sat looking shifty. Has he hurt you?
Me - the fucker is leaving me for-
MF - (jumps in) a younger woman who works for him? God he’s really going for the hat trick on the midlife crisis isn’t he?
Me - looks like it.
MF - I said he was up to something (to his DW) and hoped he wasn’t for your sake.

MF is an Inspector in the Police. He said he hadn’t seen H with anyone but he knew how it goes and had seen him on his phone. They aren’t more than passing acquaintances so MF has been covering. MF encouraged me to take a break and make plans.

I did. I took myself off and read this thread spoke to a friend who helped me plan. I met with H and told him he would never spend another night in my
house. He could get his things when I left for work. I told him when and how he would tell DD. I told him how co-parenting would go. He agreed. I said he wouldn’t humiliate me any more than he has. DD not to meet OW unless me and DD agree. He nodded.

I then went back in to the event. At the end we had to wait for DD to get ready to go home. I asked him what he saw as the future. He said he saw a future where he liked himself again. I scoffed. I asked what he saw as my future and he said ‘happy with someone who loves you.’ Arsehole.

We made it to my house. He put DD to bed. He quietly left. I slept for a few hours and now can’t get back to sleep. Tomorrow I’m going to work. I will call a SHL and already had lunch arranged with a friend who will likely help me fortify my defences.

Fuck H. Sad pathetic twat. Once DD knows he’s telling his family. I expect FIL will never speak to him ever again. MIL will be devastated but will never cut ties. I will tell my DF.

They aren’t more than passing acquaintances so MF has NOT* been covering. MF encouraged me to take a break and make plans.

Once my DF knows there’s no coming back for him. My DF will never speak
to him ever again. Even for DD’s sake.

He's a standard liar and total creep. Glad you're moving on. Get legal advice.

Stay strong. He's an idiot

I’ve not been able to eat. There’s a constant bile at the back of my throat.

I’ve been unwell for months. My period stopped and my hair is falling out. GP blood tests have ruled out Peri/Meno. I think I knew this was coming.

He has been fucking her at his office. In his office. In hotels. He said she has never been to our house (too far away) but he has been to hers.

While I was away with our DD at an event 250 miles from home he was having a fuck fest and lying about what he was doing.

Fuck him.

I'm sorry you are going through this and an affair is unforgivable but to be devils advocate if he honestly doesn't love you and has been desperately unhappy do you (and pp) think it would have been the right thing for him to stay in the marriage?
I don't see how that would be any less cruel to you and think that is a painful situation for someone to be in.
I understand trying to work at a relationship but if there is no love there is nothing.
You have already said yourself it's been an unhappy marriage.
I'm not sure why your father is so significant but why at this point do you think there would be a way back anyway, as in if he been so honest and said he has no feelings for you, are you honestly thinking if he said today 'I'll leave her I'm sorry' you'd be happy to take him back?

I am sure you need him to hurt too and maybe stuff like your father's disapproval of him might feel like it'll wound him but the truth is he's probably already thought about it , knows he is going to be the pariah but stuff can't carry on as he has.

I think he is right maybe you do deserve to be happy with someone that loves you.

You sound so strong. You’re a powerful woman who is going to be far better off without this lying baggage.

I’m cheering for you, op.

Well done OP, it sounds like you are handling this really well.

If he honestly doesn't love you and has been desperately unhappy do you (and pp) think it would have been the right thing for him to stay in the marriage?

It would have been the right thing to not go testing the water first - if you’re unhappy in the marriage and issues can’t be resolved then yes, leave, but not after fucking around behind your wife and mother of your child’s back.

Unrelated, but blood tests are fucking useless in identifying peri/meno and GPs will use it as a reason to give you antidepressants instead of treating the cause (although your situation will make it tricky to determine what is causing what ofc). Most menopause clinics/doctors will explain that these blood tests identify one symptom of over 30 that go along with entering peri. Getting HRT could make this whole situation far more manageable. Symptoms list here: https://www.newsonhealth.co.uk/menopause-symptoms/

HRT completely changed my life and moods.

Also, you are handling all this amazingly well. He will be shaken and very soon I doubt you will have the slightest interest in making things work.

Well done for being so strong op. He isn't worth you.

OP you have strength you never knew you had, you're doing well.

I was going to say you're coming across as such a doormat, but I read your recent post and well done, you found your balls and you stuck it to him!

I wouldn't be surprised if it all goes to shit and he tries to crawl back in several months time.. please remember all of this and how you feel, how he treated you, just so if he does you can show him the door.

Well done, it'll get a little easier everyday. And you sound like you have a great support network around you, hopefully he won't have much of that either due to being such a prick.

I'd try to do no contact for anything aside from essential communications about your daughter. Things are going to be so much better a few months from now ☀️

Kick him out of the house and your life.
Take some time to think and process.
Whatever you do, do not sleep with him or let him control what you do and how your day is going.
If needed, only communicate with him via email, about your daughter and your assets. Not about getting back together, why he felt alone and all this shote. He will try to spin you on a web where he can keep you, just in case he ever needs you or wants you.
But it should not work like this. You chuck his arse out. He will, I betyou, crawlback to you one day. Then you can decide what you want to do.
Take control of your life.
Do not let him play you up. Do not dance the pick me up dance routine.
Best luck OP.

She has never said they were unhappy. She said that it began in November but prior to that the relationship had been a happy one. It’s amazing how suddenly unhappy they become to justify to themselves

Theres a habit on mumsnet of equating men who have affairs with women who have affairs and the two often have very different reasons (excuses). So this ‘he’s so unhappy let him go’ bs starts appearing. When you’ve been a victim to your husband suddenly out of the blue deciding he’s unhappy it’s absolutely blind siding. It rocks you to the core.

And even (not the case) he was seriously unhappy stealing someone’s personal agency and right to informed sexual consent is never ok along with the gas lighting, manipulation, lying and scheming. It’s abusive, mentally, emotionally, sexually. It puts the betrayed at risk of trauma and a type of PTSD linked to infidelity. It doesn’t need a ‘devils advocate’.

@IAmNotDarling i know you’re absolutely lost but you’re doing the right thing and you’ve been stronger that you ever thought possible. Please take care of yourself. You may need some counselling.

Glad you are getting angry now, in contrast to your first post, where you were obviously still in shock.

I had to laugh too when he said he envisaged liking himself again. He is a cheater.

Do get yourself on Surviving Infidelity. Their separation and divorce board will offer you ongoing support and the posters are amazing and really KNOW what they’re talking about.

OP I am only saying this in the spirit of saving you from future rage - your certainty about how other people will react and especially that his own father will turn his back on him are understandable but naive. I had this from my ex husband who actually threatened me with telling my parents 'the truth' about my affair and fully expected that they would want nothing more to do with me. When he asked how that would work in terms of seeing their grandchildren, he said he would bring them. He was utterly deluded. The reality as opposed to his imaginings is that my parents are sensible people who have lived in the world, who know life, people and situations are complicated, who were sad for their grandchildren but who were always going to continue a relationship with and love their daughter. They continued to be kind and respectful of my exhusband even when he dud some pretty awful things himself, filled as he was with rage and spite. Equally, my ex husbands family varied in their reaction, some were a bit cool with me but all were unfailingly polite and civilised and we have had increasingly warm connections over the years at family events. For the sake of your daughter, something like this is a better outcome than what you envisage. I know you are filled with justifiable rage right now but do prepare yourself for the fact that other people will not necessarily feel as you do on your behalf, that they will be trying to figure out in many cases how to manage the new configurations and will not want to make anything worse for anyone, especially your daughter.

He’s gone.

Let him be.

Time for you now

Op you’ve sorted out in a few days what might take others months! You’ve been decisive when you’ve felt like absolute shit. I know the part about the fucking I’m his office ect is the really sickening part - the magnitude of the deception. However let me assure you that he he be under a lot of pressure now and let the OW see a different side of his snd see his she likes that! It won’t all be rosy for them now! I wish you well .. try eat a little and drink as you have your DD and more importantly you need to look after you for you! I hope you can take a few days off if you need to. I know how you are feeling as had a cheating ex H. It took me years to get rid and now I’ve been with my DP for 4 years. Life gets better just takes time x

Came on to say exactly the same as @TiredOfTHECHANGE - blood tests are notoriously awful for detecting peri/menopause as our our levels fluctuate so quickly.

List your symptoms.
Read some menopause threads here on MN even - I was having symptoms that I didn't know were related to the menopause - aching joints, itchy skin etc - and ask to see someone else in your health centre who has more of an interest in female health.

Also ask for a full blood screening to look at your thyroid function, vitamins D, B, iron etc.

You have so much to cope with at the moment OP, I really feel for you. You clearly have a strong family connection so the sooner they know the better - they can support you. Don't let Arsehole dictate when to tell people - DD comes first, then you can reach out to those who have your back.

Strength OP. Cold anger, but keep it controlled. You may want more sordid details, but you really don't need to hear more hurt - it'll cause you more pain. As others have said, gather evidence of his company accounts if you can and think about having written communication with him from now on.

The sooner he leaves, the better.

Just wanted to send a message to say I think you've handled this whole nightmare with dignity. Hoping things improve for you xx

@Clarabell77 @Susieb2023 at no point did I say there was any justification to have an affair or diminish the impact of that but it is certainly not the behaviour of someone in a happy marriage and is also not always the result of a sad middle aged man having a midlife crisis who is likely to return begging forgiveness.

He has said he does not love the OP that is at least finally honest and possibly him saying that has been a huge thing for him and something that sadly totally aside from the cheating she needs to accept.

And before you inevitably accuse me of committing adultery / being the OW and therefore trying to minimise it no I haven't and no I am not and have never been but I have had to tell my then husband after years of internal turmoil and pain that I did not love him.
He initially was willing to ignore it because he said he loved me and that i couldn't do that to him.
It was harrowing for all parties but ultimately we are now all living happy and loving lives.