The Script - is he too far into it to pull him back to me?

[IAmNotDarling]

H is 42. Last year suddenly started getting interested in his fitness and went for it with running, weights and buying a fancy bike. We’ve been together 25 years and had a happy and loving relationship.

He started pulling away from me around November and made excuses about being busy at work, tired, etc..

He works away periodically; a night or two at a distance and has done for years. Usually accompanied by a colleague (as necessary for the work he does).

He went to his work Xmas do alone, after we couldn’t get a babysitter. He then decided to socialise twice with work over the last the month, involving staying out. Both completely out of character. He started working late and all weekend.

I joked to my Dsis he was probably having an affair. She asked who and I named OW because she’s the only one he works with who has no DC (recently divorced) and I just got a weird vibe when he recruited her 3 years ago. I said nothing to him except I was worried he would burn out. He bought expensive new clothes. I said “oh they’re nice.” He pulled away more. He started getting touchy about his phone. Before he would leave it out and not fuss over it.

I went out for a few drinks after work last night and came home earlier than expected to spend sometime with him before bedtime. He pulled away and made excuses about being uncomfortable after exercising.

Today I’ve been out all day with DD at her hobby and when she went to bed I went to snuggle up to him on the sofa. He pushed me away and said “I can’t do this anymore, I don’t love you.”

I was calm. I asked questions. He quickly fessed up to sleeping with a colleague he travels with. Says he hasn’t been happy for more than a year and that’s why he started exercising. Said he feels alone - DD has a very intense hobby which involve me taking her most evenings.

H says they have fun together but claims it’s only been going on since early January. I don’t believe this. Why would you throw your family away for something going on for only 6 weeks? He says he wants to move out locally (although he works a distance away, as does OW) and be on his own, but also wants to explore things with the OW. He is adamant he doesn’t love me. I asked if he still thought of me as his best friend. That was a resolute no.

I love him and want to save my marriage. Is it too far down the track to pull it back? I can forgive the sex - yes it was unprotected - so I have an STI test already in the post, but it’s the re-writing our history I am struggling with.

My heart is racing. I can’t sleep. I have to be up and out for DD in the morning to help with a big event for her hobby. He’s getting up to fuck off to work early, she has also been going in at weekends to be with him. I bet they’ve been fucking in his office.

I know it’s a total cliche but I never ever suspected he’d cheat.

I’m not trying to cling on because I’m financially dependent on him or because of pride. I am actually very worried he’s lost the plot. OW works for him (his business) and he’s now in a precarious situation. I’ve told him I’m not leaving the house, this is our home and DD needs the stability.

It’s fucked isn’t it?

Yes, I agree. All you'll do by fighting for him is pander to his vanity that he's got two women fighting over him and exhaust yourself emotionally.

By the way it is not HIS business it is both of yours. I don't know what level of business you are talking about but it may well be worth it to get some external advice on this when the time comes.

The practical things now are a freeze on any savings and joint accounts.

Suggest you both get a separate account to cover the immediates - mortgage etc and agreed amounts are put in to cover these. Banks are used to these situations. It was only later that it dawned on me why my husband had hundreds of pounds stuffed in various trouser pockets. I had no idea why but later I realised it was part of his escape plan.

When we split I didn’t want my ex having 50% childcare. My kids were everything to me, why would I want an empty house half the week or have the kids regularly moving between two homes? I’d be more focused on getting maintenance (which you wouldn’t get with 50/50).

Good luck OP, stay strong and focused, don’t play games, let yourself go through all the stages of grief/loss over the end of your marriage.

Yes it’s over. The disrespect, and unprotected sex (wtf?) are too much. He’s checked out and is waiting for you to officially pull the plug. But he’s already done it with his actions.
You don’t have to make any super quick decisions but start the mental adjustment that he is no longer your friend. He told you so. He will try and screw you out of a good divorce settlement, get onto that SHL.
But above all, look after yourself. It will be hard, but you will get through this. Concentrate on the basics, eat, drink, sleep. Try to minimise alcohol. Sending hugs.

Get very good legal advice and pay for it. My ex was all " Let's sort this out and not let the solicitors take all the money?"
Now there's some truth there and we managed to keep costs low.
BUT I ignored him completely and hired the best in my city. A man actually because I hate the female rottweiler solicitor stereotype.
You are entitled to half the value of his business. As well as 50% of the value of everything else probably.
He's a self centered twat. I'd not push for 50% childcare actually. I'm closer with my kids now and I have them mostly.

I’m so sorry OP. Been there, and came out the other side stronger and happier.

Mine left so I didn’t have to make a decision. I found out a few weeks later that there was OW so filed for divorce. Six months later he’s back on the doorstep as it didn’t work out. Thankfully I’d got past the part of wanting him so told him where to go.

There is no easy way but to get through each day, remind yourself that it gets better. It does. Please don’t beg. You’ll find he’ll be back in time I’m sure and you can make a decision at that point.

Bloody men 🙄

Sad truth is he's way more likely to want you back if you just throw him out and say you don't want him.

Someone being strong and not needing you is way more attractive than begging.

If he doesn't want you back, he wasn't going to anyway, so you've not lost anything. But if you throw him out/make him face his actions, the likelihood is he'll be begging for you back.

Utter dirtbag.

He does not deserve you. Let him live in his single man pad and miss out on all the many things he has taken for granted about his lovely life.

Everyone is sexy and exciting when you don't have to do life's grunt work. He sounds like a total pillock.

He had his head turned, and then he convinced himself that he was no longer in love with you and needed someone else. I am always more convinced by the 'I'm not in love with you any more' when it isn't prompted by an attraction to someone new. Otherwise it isn't 'I don't love you any more' it's 'I've found someone who treats me as though I'm the most special person in the Universe and you don't any more, so I'm off.'

But for everyone who keeps quoting the 50/50 and how much that will cramp his style - do you really think he will stick to this, or that he will more likely suddenly be 'too busy with work' to do 50/50? However, OW having to wash his skiddy undies and his socks and put up with him farting and all his other unpleasant habits will most likely put a stop to it.

Its sad but he doesnt love you, i think he is being clear about it and personally i would be thanking him for that. /he isnt lying to you about that at least. Honestly it doesnt matter who he is into and how long, He isnt IN this relationship anymore so id be letting go and moving on.

But yes you have every right to hate him

So sorry, OP. Let him carry on. As hard as it is, act unbothered. Don’t do the ‘pick me’ thing. Quietly get things organised in the background. It sounds like he has made his decision. Things will get better. Just take it one day at a time. You sound like a great mum.

I feel the question should be why do you want to pull this lying cheating scumbag back to you?

Focus your energy on loving yourself and your daughter. And on hating him, if it will help you get over him quicker. It must be so awful for you, but you will be ok. You're financially resilient and it seems he's content with you staying in the house.

He's not worth your time and energy. Good riddance to bad rubbish!

Kick him out, let him feel the cold wind blow.

While he’s in the limerant stage of his affair there is no pulling him back. It’ll burst though- could go up to three years before it dies but it will when reality sets in and he sees she’s not a perfect goddess. You won’t want him back when the shock wears off- right now you think if only he’d listen and he’s sorry then it’ll all be the same again, but would you really be able to have sex with him again knowing what he did and when it might happen again?
Tell him it’s over - tell him to get on with whatever he thinks he’s got with her.
Work on doing nice things for yourself, grieve, keep busy and in time it’ll hurt a little less until it doesn’t hurt anymore.

@theleafandnotthetree you had an exit affair from an “ailing marriage” Whilst we only have ops side of things here, she describes the relationship as loving and happy, with a noticeable shift in his behaviour since November. To me, this does not sound like an exit affair. It sounds like the typical, mid life “oh look, the grass is greener over there” bullshit affair.
He tells himself it “must be love” to justify his shit behaviour, but, let’s be honest, who leaves a 25 year marriage for someone they’ve been shagging for 3 or 4 months? And, even if they do, the fact is, most relationships that start in that way don’t last, simply because they are built on a quick sand foundation of lies and deceit. When all the oh so exciting sneaking around and hidden looks and stolen moments is gone, what is the OW left with? A man who has shown himself to be a outright cheat and a liar. And he may well find that without all the secrecy and excitement, OW is just another woman who nags at him to put the toilet seat down and pick up his dirty socks. With whom he does not share 25 years worth of history or children. And that is when they come crawling back.
He might, he might not but the only thing that matters here is op and unfortunately for this silly man, op will likely have the same view of him as OW - he’s a proven cheat and liar. The most likely outcome is he will find he is no longer attractive, to either of them. More fool him.

I don’t have anything to add and I agree with the advice given especially about getting good legal support early on. But I couldn’t scroll past without sending you a hand hold and hugs - he is a complete bastard and I am so sorry you are living this. Take care of yourself and let people you trust help you and the children.

Telling him it's over isn't the hard work. The hard work will be rebuilding life without him, and part of you knows that. You want to avoid ending it because you're hoping he will change his mind. That's a completely understandable way to feel, but if you get into a habit of letting him call the shots about whether your marriage continues or not (while kidding yourself that it's for a good reason), you're storing up even more pain for yourself in future.

If you want him back in the future (I suspect long term you absolutely won't) then my advice is muster all you have to be strong and decisive now. Tell him to leave right now, not when he has found a flat and let him know you are neither pathetic nor desperate, he probably sees you as the enemy who is standing between him and his true love OW which is why he is re-writing history.
Don't believe one word he says either.
One day he may well want to come back to you - but by then it will likely be too late. So sorry this has happened xx

@IAmNotDarling

If I tell him it’s over then I’m doing the hard work aren’t I? He’s the one who wants to destroy our lives, why should I make it easier for him?

It's not about 'making it easier' for him. It's about doing what's right for you. If this is the final straw for you why should you allow him to continue piling more straws on your back all the while enjoying his bachelor life as you (I assume) foot half the bills? I'm sure he'll be happy to keep having his cake and eating it too. Why wouldn't he? It's been working for him up to now.

And don't be so sure it'll be all that 'easy' for him once he leaves. He isn't going to enjoy washing his own pants, cleaning his own place, doing his own shopping, having to watch DC on his own, AND having to pay CMS.

See that SHL first, educate yourself as to what divorce will mean to you financially and wrt the children. Then boot his arse out.

And your lives won't be 'destroyed'. You are still here and you are thinking and planning. Yes, your lives will be different, maybe drastically so. But your lives will continue and you will rebuild them, probably into something much better than you've had in recent years, at least emotionally. Sure, financially things may be different or harder but you will have peace of mind and a calm home.

Oh, yeah, it's the script all right.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script

[Edited to remove unnecessary quotes]

Worth reading & memorising the whole thing, imo. And it's very funny - unless you're facing it right now.

Thanks to Abitwobblynow, who I hope is still here with a different name (and less wobbly).

Totally this. Why has he told you only that and not what his plans are? Is he hoping you'll do the sorting out of him leaivng your relationship? / that you get to be the bad guy? I suspect so.

He's already told you he's leaving and plans to be with the OW. At this stage there is no kicking out or fixing things.
The best thing you can do is hold your head up high, continue as normal (with financial evidence etc), let him find somewhere to live and sort the logistics. If someone asks directly where he is tell them they need to speak with him about that.
Arm yourself as best you can (legally and emotionally, and with plenty of support).

Deal with the here and now, he can do all the future planning and worrying.

Start from the point that you will be 50-50 with DD and try and make that work. He's not going to have the excitement of sneaking around with OW anymore. Instead he gets the joy of parenting her much more.

Honestly I'd take a long and look at this serious hobby of your DDs. If all you ever do is ferry her to training and events that needs correction. There were 3 people in your family and it sounds very unbalanced.

Glad you can Continue in the family home without him. Plus you can share in your pensions and half his company. That I'd going to be awkward for him.

Ducks in a row. Make sure you know what money he is making and get what company accounts you can. I'm feeling vengeful on your behalf.

Didn't want to read and run... won't repeat what others have said, you've had some awesome advice.

Keep your chin up OP. I hope your daughters event went well.

He is off, for a reason or another. As someone who didn't want to see it when that happened to me I would recommend you the totally opposite I did and I would be closing the door after him and starting to move on.