The Script - is he too far into it to pull him back to me?

[IAmNotDarling]

H is 42. Last year suddenly started getting interested in his fitness and went for it with running, weights and buying a fancy bike. We’ve been together 25 years and had a happy and loving relationship.

He started pulling away from me around November and made excuses about being busy at work, tired, etc..

He works away periodically; a night or two at a distance and has done for years. Usually accompanied by a colleague (as necessary for the work he does).

He went to his work Xmas do alone, after we couldn’t get a babysitter. He then decided to socialise twice with work over the last the month, involving staying out. Both completely out of character. He started working late and all weekend.

I joked to my Dsis he was probably having an affair. She asked who and I named OW because she’s the only one he works with who has no DC (recently divorced) and I just got a weird vibe when he recruited her 3 years ago. I said nothing to him except I was worried he would burn out. He bought expensive new clothes. I said “oh they’re nice.” He pulled away more. He started getting touchy about his phone. Before he would leave it out and not fuss over it.

I went out for a few drinks after work last night and came home earlier than expected to spend sometime with him before bedtime. He pulled away and made excuses about being uncomfortable after exercising.

Today I’ve been out all day with DD at her hobby and when she went to bed I went to snuggle up to him on the sofa. He pushed me away and said “I can’t do this anymore, I don’t love you.”

I was calm. I asked questions. He quickly fessed up to sleeping with a colleague he travels with. Says he hasn’t been happy for more than a year and that’s why he started exercising. Said he feels alone - DD has a very intense hobby which involve me taking her most evenings.

H says they have fun together but claims it’s only been going on since early January. I don’t believe this. Why would you throw your family away for something going on for only 6 weeks? He says he wants to move out locally (although he works a distance away, as does OW) and be on his own, but also wants to explore things with the OW. He is adamant he doesn’t love me. I asked if he still thought of me as his best friend. That was a resolute no.

I love him and want to save my marriage. Is it too far down the track to pull it back? I can forgive the sex - yes it was unprotected - so I have an STI test already in the post, but it’s the re-writing our history I am struggling with.

My heart is racing. I can’t sleep. I have to be up and out for DD in the morning to help with a big event for her hobby. He’s getting up to fuck off to work early, she has also been going in at weekends to be with him. I bet they’ve been fucking in his office.

I know it’s a total cliche but I never ever suspected he’d cheat.

I’m not trying to cling on because I’m financially dependent on him or because of pride. I am actually very worried he’s lost the plot. OW works for him (his business) and he’s now in a precarious situation. I’ve told him I’m not leaving the house, this is our home and DD needs the stability.

It’s fucked isn’t it?

Tell him he is taking DD to hobby today.
Ask him how he proposes telling your daughter that he is leaving his family for another woman.
Remind him that 50-50 parenting means exactly that, including school runs, hobby, (maybe give him a list).
Stop doing anything for him immediately.
Get copies of all paperwork.

Just calmly say he has x days to leave, as hard as it is, don't get angry, take the moral high ground.

Get your head straight, and allow yourself time to adjust, but rarely will there be going back from this point (I know people who have and it's just until the next one, plus the trust has gone, you deserve better)

Don't tell everyone until you are ready, no urgency, I waited months in fact, and again no need for details be the better person...

It's really hard right now but however much you are hurting, he's your DD's dad so you will still be linked, life will be easier if you can keep your emotions together plus quite frankly if he feels really guilty you will potentially get a far better divorce settlement and the solicitor won't take everything in fees! I did this and exh gave me far more

FWIW I don’t think ‘you’ can pull him back.

He has to want to do that and right now he’s just a selfish, entitled, sneaky, nasty man child who can’t face the person he has become, so has cleverly created some cognitive dissonance (rewriting the marriage history) to justify his behaviour.

The OW will be his true luv, it’s kismet, they’re meant to be together, soulmates, no love greater blah blah blah until she absolutely isn’t. Many quickly realise they’ve ended up with someone who would cheat with them, it’s a huge irony.

I hate to say this but you just can’t fight the narrative he has in his head atm. I say that from experience. And we are still together years later.

All you can do is control your actions. Show that you’re not going to be a third in their pathetic drama triangle. Show that you won’t fight for someone so unworthy of you. Show him that you won’t just survive you’ll thrive without him. Even if inside you’re falling apart do not do the ‘pick me dance’. Right now you’ve been put into a competition you never wanted to be in. Pull yourself out.

Get a copy of leave a cheater gain a life and read from cover to cover. It’ll help you find your inner strength when you realise just how pathetic and cliched it all is. Get yourself on surviving infidelity - absolutely fantastic site.

I remember being told you have to be willing to lose the marriage to save it and that holds true for me. The thing is once the betrayed find their inner strength most decide no amount of begging would drag them back there.

But right now his feelings are clear, fwiw I agree that he’s lost the bloody plot, but that’s not your concern, he’s telling you he wants to explore this, you need to let him lie down in this dirty bed. I’d tell him to go.

They’re both utterly pathetic and you deserve so much better, right now that’s not him.

Don’t let your DD know what’s going on.

This is her special day.

So sorry this is happening to you 💐

As you say, it's fucked.
Sounds very similar to what my parents went through about 15 yrs ago. My Dad started acting "different" and pulling away, taking up new hobbies etc then told my Mum he didn't love her and wanted to leave. She was adamant she wanted to try and save the marriage, still in love with him - he went to marriage counselling at her request but I think his mind was already made up quite a while ago.
It's a sad situation and one no one wants to find themselves in but I think you need to let him go sadly. I feel trying to hang on will just result in this being harder for you, and remember your DD will probably start picking up on things (I certainly did) and dragging things out may only make it harder

Definitely this.

Thanks everyone.

He has some crazy ideas about how he’s going to balance DD (young teen) and his new bachelor fuck pad.

I need to sleep.

It doesn't sound like he's doing the script but that doesn't make it much better for you.

He's cheated, betrayed you and has said he wants to be out the relationship. The best thing you can do here is stay in the house, let him go and avoid doing the pick me dance.

Yes, I'm sorry, he's already left.

Don't do the 'my psycho ex' thing and bin bag his stuff - as you're married, everything in the relationship is co-owned by him.

You've done the shocked heart to heart with DS.

Now down to business.

You need a solicitor. You have rights.

Get those ducks in a row - the finances must be secured.

Assume and talk about him going 5050 with the children. She will be expected to accommodate that. He's most unlikely to want to step up and do it.

She will also be getting a lying cheating arsehole she'll never be able to trust, and you'll be free of him. This is not what you want to hear but so many women here are way further on that journey and can testify to that.

Carry on today as normal for your DD as this is obviously so important for her and then tell him yo pick and bag and fuck off.

You loved the man you thought he was. Find your anger and backbone and dont plead or try and argue with his decision, focus on keeping your head held high and maintain your dignity. I think it was Michelle Obama that said when they go low, we go high and I would keep to that as much as I could.

He needs to get and get this out of his system and if in 6 months or 6 weeks later, he realises what a fuck up he made, then you can decide what you want then. But right now, even if you convince him to stay he will be pining for her and be wondering what if and you will be paranoid and checking his phone and watching him like a hawk.

I am so sorry that he did this to you, but you need to act like your marriage is over and protect yourself and do what is in your best interests. See a solicitor, sort out any joint accounts and get yourself financially disassociated from him. Get some therapy on your own and talk to people and don’t hide this and make sure to take some time for you. He must have the DC so you can heal and sort out restarting your life, even if that is crying on the sofa to start with.

If you can face it, I would find a healthy way of venting some anger, like squash or martial arts or body combat and start prioritising yourself.

Kick him out

This.

I'm so sorry. Take care of yourself. Have you got a good support network?

Do not let him swan off to go and spend time with her. You need to rest - he can take over the hobby driving now.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I'd try to pretend things are normal for my child. I'd also be civil with my husband, to continue the lift arrangement. I'd contact a solicitor and get sorted. Many of my friends are divorced. They all agree, the ones who divorced straight away got the best deals, because the husband's still felt guilty.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Yes it is too far gone to pull him back. He has broken your vows. He is responsible for all of this.

Be prepared to go through emotions of wanting him back and hating him. He might well come back with his tail between his legs when he is facing reality but you need to be in a strong position to tell him to fuck off. Therapy was a life saver for me. Friends and family are a great support but personally a therapist was much more helpful as I could be far more truthful with her.

Surviving infidelity website might give you false hope of reconciliation so I would recommend the chump ladies website. She promotes leave a cheater gain a life. I was naive and tried reconciliation and it was soul destroying. My child has also witnessed a marriage breakdown twice when he only needed to see it once.

Wrap yourself with support and know this is your time to make you happy.

This is a mid life crisis, based on sex, him feeling he’s still got it, women find him attractive - do you think this new relationship is going to last once this exciting sneaking about stage is over, and everyone knows, and now hates them. Also she’s then going to be with him and he’ll be busy at the weekends driving his daughter to her hobby and being a busy dad! Plus what are their other work colleagues going to think, so unprofessional of him to be bedding the staff!! I know you’re hurting and I’m really sorry, but just see a solicitor asap and get your finances sorted. Do you work?

I'm sorry, OP, but he's already gone. And you and your daughter deserve(d) better.

Tell him to get out. Now. And to make sure he can do his 50% share of the parenting and transporting his daughter still requires.

I say this gently, because it’s clearly very raw, but he’s already told you it’s over. The conversation you relayed in your OP makes that clear. There is no decision for you to make here, nothing for you to tell him now.

I can’t imagine how devastating it must be. Wishing you lots of strength to navigate the coming weeks and months.

He is absolutely done as far as the marriage is concerned OP, he certainly isn't sugar coating anything that's for sure. I had a brief affair and left my husband (though not in my case for the other man but because I knew the fact that I had an affair was the final nail in the coffin of an ailing marriage). Contrary to what many said here, he won't necessarily have regrets or realise what he's lost or do the old crawling back so often referenced here. I certainly didn't. I mean he might but I certainly wouldn't put any faith in that. Hard as it is, you have to accept that it is over because he says it is over.

You deserve to be treated SO much better than this op. Don't ever let him claw his way back.

I sound desperate. I’m not. I have my dignity.

We weren’t unhappy. He wasn’t unhappy. he is re-writing our story around his midlife crisis and I don’t recognise it. I thought that was mainly ‘the script’ but I stand corrected.

I have feelers out for a SHL. I earn good salary on my own (not as good as him in recently years) but I can carry on alone in my home. Just minus a cheating fucking arsehole.

Sorry about the typos. I’m shattered.

I did the same, and I have had zero regrets.

Whether he fell out of love first and then cheated, or the affair happened first, he's done. It's hard but some relationships can feel great for one person and not enough for another.

Look forward, and you will find life will be different than you expected but likely even better

I don’t see how he could be any clearer with you. I think you are in denial. I’m so sorry this has happened to you what an awful shock. There was obviously some sneaking around behind your back and he admits to cheating on you- he’s a piece of shit. Pick yourself up for you and dc. It’s time to move on with your life and the next chapter. He’s out.

He has already told you it’s over though. Please don’t beg him, if he can do this to his wife and child he’s not worth it. You deserve better. You’ll get through this.