The Script - is he too far into it to pull him back to me?

[IAmNotDarling]

H is 42. Last year suddenly started getting interested in his fitness and went for it with running, weights and buying a fancy bike. We’ve been together 25 years and had a happy and loving relationship.

He started pulling away from me around November and made excuses about being busy at work, tired, etc..

He works away periodically; a night or two at a distance and has done for years. Usually accompanied by a colleague (as necessary for the work he does).

He went to his work Xmas do alone, after we couldn’t get a babysitter. He then decided to socialise twice with work over the last the month, involving staying out. Both completely out of character. He started working late and all weekend.

I joked to my Dsis he was probably having an affair. She asked who and I named OW because she’s the only one he works with who has no DC (recently divorced) and I just got a weird vibe when he recruited her 3 years ago. I said nothing to him except I was worried he would burn out. He bought expensive new clothes. I said “oh they’re nice.” He pulled away more. He started getting touchy about his phone. Before he would leave it out and not fuss over it.

I went out for a few drinks after work last night and came home earlier than expected to spend sometime with him before bedtime. He pulled away and made excuses about being uncomfortable after exercising.

Today I’ve been out all day with DD at her hobby and when she went to bed I went to snuggle up to him on the sofa. He pushed me away and said “I can’t do this anymore, I don’t love you.”

I was calm. I asked questions. He quickly fessed up to sleeping with a colleague he travels with. Says he hasn’t been happy for more than a year and that’s why he started exercising. Said he feels alone - DD has a very intense hobby which involve me taking her most evenings.

H says they have fun together but claims it’s only been going on since early January. I don’t believe this. Why would you throw your family away for something going on for only 6 weeks? He says he wants to move out locally (although he works a distance away, as does OW) and be on his own, but also wants to explore things with the OW. He is adamant he doesn’t love me. I asked if he still thought of me as his best friend. That was a resolute no.

I love him and want to save my marriage. Is it too far down the track to pull it back? I can forgive the sex - yes it was unprotected - so I have an STI test already in the post, but it’s the re-writing our history I am struggling with.

My heart is racing. I can’t sleep. I have to be up and out for DD in the morning to help with a big event for her hobby. He’s getting up to fuck off to work early, she has also been going in at weekends to be with him. I bet they’ve been fucking in his office.

I know it’s a total cliche but I never ever suspected he’d cheat.

I’m not trying to cling on because I’m financially dependent on him or because of pride. I am actually very worried he’s lost the plot. OW works for him (his business) and he’s now in a precarious situation. I’ve told him I’m not leaving the house, this is our home and DD needs the stability.

It’s fucked isn’t it?

Sounds like you’re ready to move mountains, OP. Amazing! ❤️

Magnificent

💐👏💐👏💐👏💐👏💐👏💐

Yes girl!!! You got this!! Xxx

OP you are doing brilliantly, calm and dignified. Everything your arsehole ex is not.

Prepare for the crash, the crying, the anger and the pain, its the pain that killed me the most. Crying for the future i thought we had and for who i wanted him to be.

Good Luck OP and take care of yourself.

You will get through this - i am living proof.

You sound fucking amazing - what a stupid little man he is.

Hello OP, I came back on to your thread to see how you are doing. I’m the PP that advised getting angry and putting some of his stuff in bin bags by the front door.

I'm so glad to hear that you’ve got so much support from work, friends and family. And that you are laser focussed on protecting your home and daughter.

it’s fab that you’ve encouraged him to take your daughter to her hobby in the mornings at least he takes some responsibility and interest in it now.

I’m glad that you are feeling stronger after the shock has worn off.

I imagine he has his head turned and has now rewritten the history of your relationship. Don’t let him rewrite what you remember as a good marriage largely.

I commend your ability to get things done and protect your daughter whilst dealing with STBexH.

onwards and upwards!!

OP here. After my initial bravado I’m afraid I’ve spent the past 3 weeks playing the chump/pick me game. I’ve woken up again. I was severely anaemic. Iron tablets have been working wonders though. I was very ill for a good 10 days and the seeds of doubt crept in.

What a fucking idiot I’ve been! Even though he rejected me constantly I was pouring my heart to him over email. I reasoned he’d been mentally unwell well actually he’s just a selfish fuck.

Turns out it all blew up because OW’s partner (not H) found messages from H about 10 days before he pushed the button with me. He reckons she kicked out her partner but we all know he upped and left don’t we? Not the father of her child.

So she ramped it up and H jumped ship. He’s gone from being a father who who all for his DD to pushing her so far down his priorities he’s cancelling plans with he to be with OW. DD is understandably upset and is lashing out on text as an emotional release because he can’t find the words when she’s with him in person. He is categorising this as ‘abuse’ and when she tells him how she feels about the OW he defends OW!

He’s completely delusional. He’s gone from being a rational man who agonised over a decisions like wallpaper to thus abhorrent specimen of a human being.

How does this happen? Don’t tell me he was always like this. He wasn’t. I’ve known him since we teens. He was the best man I knew.

My friend is two years down the line, she was a wreck for a few months, it’s natural to be devastated. It was a 30 year relationship with two teenage children. He had been lying to her for a whole year when she asked what was wrong. You will get there you have people that really love you, your DD, your sister, your DF , friends and sounds like work have your back. You will get through this.

Oh OP reading this is awful!

Not sure what else to say.

I’m sorry he did this OP.
Don’t beat yourself up about the last 3 weeks.
But now draw the line.
Grey rock.
If there is going to be any chance at all that he’ll come back (not that he deserves to), he has to miss you.
He can only do that if he doesn’t see you. Doesn’t get to chat with you. Doesn’t get long emails or texts. Doesn’t get anything more than ‘ok’ to most messages about DC pick up times etc. Doesn’t get to come into the house ever. Doesn’t get to know anything about your life.

Grey rock very low contact gives you some power back. Takes the sting out of any comms and meetings. Protects you and helps you to move on too. Added bonus they hate it.

Also takes out some of the fun and excitement from his situation. It will all seem very real when the person who has been there for him all of those years is no longer there for him to rely on.

You’ll be ok. One day at a time.
💐

I'm so sorry, OP.

It's little comfort, but your daughter will always know you were there for her, you prioritised her while her father prioritised his dick and the OW he was sticking it in. You have done everything you can to ensure your daughter can pursue her dreams while having you behind her all the way. Her father on the other hand threw away his family, his daughter's security, for his dick. His relationship with her will never be the same. And he will likely regret it someday, if there's any decency left in him, but then again..as you say, he's changed.

I hope your SHL destroys him.

Yeah i was the same, was with my ex for 20 years and never thought he'd do what he did. They midlife crisis and completely change, they lose their whole sense of self. He did get very upset talking about it, they can compartmentalise. Women do it too, don't get me wrong, but i only experienced with man. I now look back and see so many red flags I ignored over the years about other stuff. I really never thought he'd cheat, just no, but then could see he could lie about other stuff no problem. He did the classic lose weight first too

I don’t think you were an idiot at all.
You were struggling to accept your stbexH was as crap as he turned out to be. And i think it’s pretty normal tbh.

As for whether he was always like this or what actually changed him that much, in some ways it doesn’t matter.
What matters is that he made choices. He chose the OW over you. He chose the OW over his own dd. And a twat is what he is now. Concentrate on who he is now, not who he was or what you’d thought he was.

As you’ve mentioned before, you have a strong network around you, between your sister and your friends.
You have a (new?) career in front of you. Did you dit the last exam btw?
And more importantly you have yourself, your dd and your integrity.

Concentrate on that. Make your life great, even greater than it was.
Youll get through it.

My exam isn’t until the summer.

I’ve lost 2 dress sizes since he went - double digit lbs.

I was convinced it had gone on for ages but it hadn’t. He left after 6 weeks of fucking.

@IAmNotDarling I am so sad to hear your updates today and had been wondering how you were getting on. I do think that it must hurt even more than he was so fickle to leave after such a short time and it is disgusting! I’ve lived through Ex H having affair and im
about to start a thread on it as after all this time the Ow isn’t as great as she cracked up to be and now he wants me to spend time with him ect ect now that I am 4 years into a relationship with my Dp anc have told him we plan to marry! My point is he will regret leaving you - you sound like you are pure gold. You are in a lot of pain right now as I know you are grieving for the man he was and all those memories and it’s ok, it will get better and I hope you find a lot of support and advice with us all here xxx

OP, two of my very good friends have gone through similar situations and honestly, they are both much happier now (years down the line).
Both have new partners who seem to have all the good qualities of their old husbands plus a bunch of others.

I know right now this isn't what you need, but I'm just trying to show that the future may not be bleak. Hopefully it is for him though.

He's been a twat and will push his DD away. One day he'll realise and be full of regret.

Your poor DD. I am glad you are there and have a good network. Make sure you see a solicitor in regard to the house because I imagine your STBex will be demanding his share so he can set up shop with the OW.

Your STBex probably was a nice man 20 years ago but has evolved and changed from the man he was and it’s hard to know what caused that. He could possibly have had undetected previous affairs or perhaps got into porn, which I think causes personality changes. No one stays the same regardless as the aging process impacts people in different.

There was way he was having affairs before. He had zero opportunity. We grew and developed together.

He was not into porn.

When I say he was the best man I knew I mean up until December when I can see he started to crack.

Fuck him. He chose to seek comfort elsewhere and has figuratively burned our house down. Meanwhile he’s 25 miles away with his replacement family.

Honestly, I'd tell him to go. I wouldn't want to spend another second under the same roof as him, let alone share a bed. He's told you he doesn't love you and he's shagging someone else. I'm sorry OP but think have to accept that it's over 😔

He went to his work Xmas do alone, after we couldn’t get a babysitter. He then decided to socialise twice with work over the last the month, involving staying out. Both completely out of character. He started working late and all weekend.

So sorry but I could have written this 20 years ago! He was having an affair they are now married - and miserable.

You cannot save the marriage alone, if he isn't interested there is nothing you can do, don't be tempted to do the "pick me dance".

Wish you had posted before he knew you knew as then you would have been well advised on how to get, especially financial, ducks in a row.
Make that a priority now.

As far as dd is concerned honestly I would say be prepared and try to prepare dd as much as possible for him to move himself out of her life. Looks like signs are already there for this I'm afraid. This is what my ex did and I very much regret fighting that as it didn't serve my dd long term. She no longer has a relationship with her father her choice as he's let her down so so many times. Not what you want to hear I know but I think you need to be prepared

You need to read OPs updates

OP it will be hard to believe but if he’s moved in with her it will very quickly take the sparkle off the fun and excitement.

Living in someone else’s home with their DC. Not as cosy in reality as you might think. He’ll miss you and DC.

Meanwhile you’ll get more and more confidence in yourself and be surprised at your resilience. Treat yourself to some new fabulous clothes in your new size. Make sure you’re at your amazing best if he sees you at pick up / drop off.

Give him nothing but grey rock. He’ll hate it.
💐

I'm so sorry but it truly is already over. No way since January. Right now you can't see anything beyond being married to him. But you have to. You have a dd. Do not teach her this is acceptable because it is not.

I know the marriage is over.

It’s complete change of personality that I’m struggling with. He looks, walks and talks differently. Within 4 weeks.

He’s gone from being dedicated to his daughter to dedicated to his dick. The selfishness. He’s booked a holiday with OW for May half term. He’s planning so far ahead. Talking about buying property out of area which would make DD’s life difficult should she stay any overnights with him.

I just don’t get it. I can’t get my head around the complete and utter change in him.

Yes the change is alarming. It's like á personality transplant.

And it doesn't last.

He will be filled with deep regret especially when the dust settles and he can't see his dd as easily or as regularly as he might like.

So I wouldn't bother trying to get your head around him acting like a prize twat. I mean, he will always be a dickhead for behaving the way he has but just watch - he will come back to earth with a bump.

Focus on you and what you can do for you to make things easier to bear.