Is this the script? Handhold please

[Whatachliche]

I can't believe I'm typing this - after 25 years my HB wants to move out.

When he left for a recent work trip, we were both set to work on our relationship with a therapist. after his return, he has a new gym routine, bought new underwear and has decided he is not feeling emotionally connected to me anymore and he is too 'confused' to know what he wants.

This is the f* script right?

there have been struggles like loss and illness and an unhealthy communication style from his side but we just started couples therapy to work on our relationship and turn things around. now this.

Do I entertain his quest for space or do I believe the signs of the script and just start divorce? I don't want to look through his phone, I think I can't deal with the truth. I rather walk away without knowing if that makes sense, or is that just the fear of no point of return?

What accounts can you clear? Even if you have to give some back for legal reasons get it first. Does that work in your situation?

I knew that would be your update op. God, they all follow it EXACTLY the same way don’t they?

A slightly different perspective:
I recently had a relationship with a married man and unfortunately fell for a lot of his lies (idiot that I am). He told me they were separated and “just living as friends” as they couldn’t afford separate houses..
We messaged 100 times a day, met every other day and he told me he loved me/wanted to be with me etc. Then after a while (and when I told him I was uncomfortable with the situation and thought we should stop) he told me he tried to leave her and she then took an overdose (apparently she had MH issues and didn’t leave the house for four years when his business went under🙄)he was texting me pretending to be at the hospital!
Then his wife really found out. Turns out they weren’t separated at all - she was completely taken by surprise. None of the stuff he’d said about her was true. He then apparently begged her to take him back, made out like I was a psycho who’d been stalking him🤣 and threatened to throw himself in front of a train if she left him!

The point I’m making here is that men will often, when caught out, lie and lie and lie some more to minimise what happened and make out like “it was nothing”. Luckily you’ve found the messages, look at them to keep you resolute in your decision to divorce. Be prepared for him to do a U-turn or come crawling back when he realises he’s made a mistake.

You know what he is. He’s a lying p.o.s.

I think my mistake’s wife is still with him and has chosen to believe him. I considered sending her all our correspondence but I don’t want to lower myself.

I feel so sorry for her as she doesn’t know the truth of what she is married to and the horrendous lies he told about her.

Don’t be like her OP - I can guarantee he’ll have been making you out to be a psychotic, mentally ill ogress to the OW and he’ll probably do the same about her if you tell him you know what he’s been up to.

Stay strong, I wish you all the best x

Argh, he was so bloody predictable! He is the cliche!!!

Absolutely grey rock him, do not give him any of yourself. Cry with friends, wail into the wind, punch pillows whatever you need to but don’t give him any of yourself.

You have the ace card, don’t let your advantage go. Get yourself in a strong position while he thinks he can manipulate you.

I’m just so sorry he was the pathetic pos we thought he was.

You deserve so much better! 💐

Thanks gorgeous this internal visual @Gloriosaford

You are the eagle flying above him and seeing everything. He is the rabbit, munching on grass unaware that the eagle can see everything that is going on.
🦅
🐇

I'm visualising. it helps. perspective is everything.

From the messages I've seen I know she thinks our split is amicable ...
I'm waiting till everything is sorted my end , then I will decide what to do with this information.

Close any joint accounts and make sure you have your financial ducks in your row
Hes ovbs been playing away and probably
not being honest with your finances ether
please put yourself and your financial future first
deal with the heart break later

I'm really sorry, OP. Sending strong thoughts your way.

What a tit!

If you have savings in a joint account, I would open your own account and remove half of them so he cannot dispose of capital during the divorce.

Do you rent/own?

From the messages I've seen I know she thinks our split is amicable

I swear that men have an actual book they follow, which they can buy from somewhere - because they all say and do exactly the same things and in the same order, in these circumstances. Bastards.

OP - one of the chapters in this book is coming up very soon - it's

"Become intransigent over finances within a few weeks of your wife finding out about your affair - and try to keep as much of your own money as you can and stop her finding our about where it all is"

often followed by:

"Go on long-term sick leave/become self-employed, so that you don't have to pay any child support"

I'm so sorry :(

Cheating is horrendous but the gaslighting, denying and playing the victim is just vile!!!

If you have joint bank accounts take every £ you're entitled to a put it all in an account only in your name. Do this before he knows you know everything. He WILL fuck you over. He's already been doing so for years.

good advice - i've done this!

i'm taking notes. so far he is sticking to the script in every detail, so this will come true too. i'm focused on sorting finances and getting ducks in a row (I already got all the paperwork) All the admin doesn't stop me from repeateadly reading the messages I found, they make me feel sick to the stomach.

yes. agree, vile beyond what I'd ever thought he would do. there was the shortest moment of relief when I found the messages - because they proof my gut feeling isn't wrong, and I'm not crazy ( both which he tried me to convince me off every-time I asked is there another woman)

Can you start a shopping habit? Stash away things to sell like bags and shoes.. He can have half of what's left.. I can assure you he has been spending on ow over 2 years.

I hope you nail him to the wall.
Please dont feel sorry, he has strung out this lie for months, doesn't have the courage to just go, if indeed she is willing to commit.?
My guess is she is "still getting to know him & isn't ready for full time commitment", he doesn't want to cut the cord with you as he may end up with no-one
So please get everything in order & ditch this pathetic p o s. Followed by a message to her spelling out the truth. & reminding her that she should be wary that she isnt the next victim.

nope she is ready. in one of her messages it sounded like she thought she had him, but then he wobbled and now she would make sure he'd not slip away again. He responded with encouragement saying'she knows what to do' 🤮
sounds he wasn't quite so sure to leave me right away, and of course, leaving me in anxiety filled limbo for weeks, he'd be sure I'd be emotionally tiered out by the time it all comes out.

When will I reveal to him that I know - I know I must ask my solicitor this, when are things sorted enough for the big fall out.
don't think I'll hide his little secret, everybody will know about what he has done. I'm not carrying his shame anymore.

how will I reveal to him I have seen their messages?

what if he tries to twist out of the evidence?

You don't have to reveal anything to him. Why bother. You don't need 'evidence' to leave him. This is exactly why you don't engage with him in any way other than the bare minimum factual stuff.

There are some good advice from posters on here OP.

Sorry you are going through this, but some of these posts will really help you so keep re reading their advice.

He is definitely not your friend.

So sorry OP. One day, in the not so distant future you'll be able to look back on this, and him, with the sort of distance that makes you realise you have had a lucky escape.

He is a selfish fool who really never deserved you.

I realise that moment of 'gotcha - I know what you did' feels like a sweet moment of humbling him ... only in my imagination. Your responses make me realise he will not care about it at all, as he has his new prize and can exit a 25 year marriage without that much heartache... I think he will swan off into a new life fairly unscathed. Another thing to get over.

Fight OP ! Fight for you !

pack up the good stuff. What’s up the loft? What do toy want ?

pack it up and stick it in a storage unit.

he’s an arse. Rinse him for every penny he has.

I know only too well. It hurts like fuck but the man you thought he was has gone. Sadly, you won't get any moment of remorse or guilt or anything from him now. The ONLY thing to do from here on in is to put yourself front and centre. You have a hard time ahead of you but your pride, dignity, self esteem and self respect is priceless and should be fiercely protected from now on. Try your best to not give him another thought. Don't re-read the messages, don't dwell on what he's up to and distract yourself. Find a therapist, as you have tough times ahead and the emotional fall out from being lied to and cheated on is awful but stop torturing yourself any further.

So sorry OP, you sound really strong , have you children together? X