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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this the script? Handhold please

995 replies

Whatachliche · 10/02/2024 21:37

I can't believe I'm typing this - after 25 years my HB wants to move out.

When he left for a recent work trip, we were both set to work on our relationship with a therapist. after his return, he has a new gym routine, bought new underwear and has decided he is not feeling emotionally connected to me anymore and he is too 'confused' to know what he wants.

This is the f* script right?

there have been struggles like loss and illness and an unhealthy communication style from his side but we just started couples therapy to work on our relationship and turn things around. now this.

Do I entertain his quest for space or do I believe the signs of the script and just start divorce? I don't want to look through his phone, I think I can't deal with the truth. I rather walk away without knowing if that makes sense, or is that just the fear of no point of return?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
Suchagroovyguy · 10/03/2024 12:02

Excellent. Now you can nail the lying, conniving, cheating cunt to the wall.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 10/03/2024 12:10

Whatachliche · 10/03/2024 11:19

I had to wait to find the strength to get the truth confirmed - but have found the messages to the OW today. 25 years. and he is lying to my face with complete ease. I nearly threw up reading them.
obviously will file for divorce, but how will I survive this? I feel I can't.

Lying fucker. Now get angry, OP.

Letsrunabath · 10/03/2024 12:23

it must hurt like hell to find out the person who is supposed to love and care for you has someone they would rather be with. In time the hurt will turn to anger this is when you start to grow and find yourself. You have a lifetime of happiness ahead of you it’s just not here at this moment but it will come and you will look back and be grateful he isn’t in your life anymore.

skyeisthelimit · 10/03/2024 12:30

So sorry that you have had it confirmed now. It's always the same old script. This was me 12 years ago.

Screenshot everything that you can and keep records of pensions etc as its funny what they forget about when they have to do the financials during the divorce.

When it happened to me, at the time I never thought I would get over it. I felt that I had lost my future, my family, everything. But sadly there were lots of women on here who had been through it and told me that I would get through it one day, and you will too even if it doesn't feel like it now.

You need to go through the grieving process and come out the other side. Use your therapy to talk about it and get through it.

Find your anger and hold on to it. Use that to take control of the situation. Don't be messed around by him. It's not about what he wants, it's about what you want.

12 years on I still wish that it had never happened, because DD would have given anything to grow up with her dad around, but I did get over it and over him.

MrsSlocombesCat · 10/03/2024 12:32

In all honesty I would kick him out. Today. Even if you stay together you will never feel emotionally secure again and the trust will be gone.

Original poster
Whatachliche · 10/03/2024 12:40

thanks for the kind words. i found more messages - it started 2 years ago. it sounds like friendship first. it all lines up ... so much makes sense now. to the poster who has said men who cheat become progressively worse partners till we go through the emotional burden to organise a break up - spot on.

No anger still. looks like I'll skip that. I cried. now I'm feeling very sober. I just want to salvage what I can - I need to make sure I get the flat. I'm thinking about not telling him I know - once he knows that I know he will start being defensive, right now he feels guilty (i hope. or more likely, there might be a shred of guilt somewhere)

Besides the duck in a row, paperwork, documents, pensions etc - how will I play this?

OP posts:
Aviee · 10/03/2024 12:41

You will survive 💐

OkayKinkade · 10/03/2024 12:44

You go stone cold on him. Emotionally, you have to make like he's nothing to you, even if you don't feel it inside yet. No crying to him or begging or reminiscing. Just stone cold. Do not be drawn by him on anything. You owe him nothing now. Think very clearly about what YOU want next and then work through that. Don't tell him you know, don't tell him you're sad it didn't work out....just factual and as little engagement as possible. Put yourself first in every decision from now on.

Loubelle70 · 10/03/2024 12:46

Weirdly..i also had similar after 25 year.
Oc its another woman.
I would say 'before you deny it...i already know. I will see solicitor tomorrow to start divorce proceedings'. Say no more. Let him go. Dont even reply to anything he says.
Let him go. Dont be emotional in front of him.

MyLadyTheKingsMother · 10/03/2024 12:48

RandomMess · 11/02/2024 00:21

Think I would do lots of "sounds like you need to make a decision, I can't do it for you. I'm staying here, up to you if you want to end our marriage and leave"

Meanwhile start getting your ducks in a row, including recommendations for a great solicitor that gets good results in your situation.

This. Make him pull the trigger op.

Whilst your waiting, therapy for yourself to talk it through and find out what YOU want. See as many decent solicitors as you can (so you can 1, choose the one you like the most and 2, I believe it stops him from enlisting a solicitor you've seen)
Make copies of EVERYTHING birth certificates, marriage certificates, bank statements, account numbers, P60's, passports. Inventory of household content, get the house valued.

Sorry your having to go through this. It must be such a shock even though you were aware of some issues.

Gloriosaford · 10/03/2024 12:53

I'm thinking about not telling him I know
I wouldn't tell him, when he realises that you know he will start playing hardball, he will do everything he can to make sure he comes out the winner in this situation.
Keep your powder dry, let him carry on in ignorance, and get everything sewn up water tight, absolutely water tight in the background.
Knowledge is power keep it to yourself.
If you tell him you know then you will get the triumph of the gotcha moment, but for your long-term best interest I would keep it to yourself.

OkayKinkade · 10/03/2024 12:54

Act quickly too. Once he sees you engage battle mode and he knows he's lost you, the gloves will come off big time and he will try and nail you to the ground.

Gloriosaford · 10/03/2024 12:56

Here's no longer your partner, he is your opponent.
Keep the upper hand and play it clever.

MyLadyTheKingsMother · 10/03/2024 12:56

You will survive this op. Find your anger.

Original poster
Whatachliche · 10/03/2024 13:07

Gloriosaford · 10/03/2024 12:53

I'm thinking about not telling him I know
I wouldn't tell him, when he realises that you know he will start playing hardball, he will do everything he can to make sure he comes out the winner in this situation.
Keep your powder dry, let him carry on in ignorance, and get everything sewn up water tight, absolutely water tight in the background.
Knowledge is power keep it to yourself.
If you tell him you know then you will get the triumph of the gotcha moment, but for your long-term best interest I would keep it to yourself.

yes. thats my gut feeling. Thats the plan. even though i'd love to confront him... but I need to play the long game. He is so defensive, and hard ball as you describe it, is exactly what he'll play

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatachliche · 10/03/2024 13:08

OkayKinkade · 10/03/2024 12:54

Act quickly too. Once he sees you engage battle mode and he knows he's lost you, the gloves will come off big time and he will try and nail you to the ground.

yes. agree. even thought it is unimaginable- I know this is true

OP posts:
Gloriosaford · 10/03/2024 13:34

Whatachliche · 10/03/2024 13:07

yes. thats my gut feeling. Thats the plan. even though i'd love to confront him... but I need to play the long game. He is so defensive, and hard ball as you describe it, is exactly what he'll play

Show quote history

He likely believes that if you knew about his infidelity you would automatically confront him. And it is normal and understandable that a person, on learning of such a thing, would be so angry they could not contain themselves.

You are the eagle flying above him and seeing everything. He is the rabbit, munching on grass unaware that the eagle can see everything that is going on.
🦅
🐇

OkayKinkade · 10/03/2024 13:46

Whatachliche · 10/03/2024 13:08

yes. agree. even thought it is unimaginable- I know this is true

Show quote history

I know. Its horrendous. You want it to not be true, you want to beg them and it's hard to accept and process but it's futile and in time to come, you will be eternally grateful that you did none of these things. Cold and factual is the only way forward from here on in sadly.

SittingOnTheChair · 10/03/2024 13:56

Ah, I'm sorry you are going though this..

It does get easier. Promise.

DivorcedAndDelighted · 10/03/2024 14:14

That must have been sickening to read, but at least you know now. In time you may feel it makes it easier; at least you're not trapped in the limbo of an unhappy marriage which neither person wants to end. A tip from a friend who'd been there, done that, was to get your separation agreement / asset division sorted out quickly, while he's still feeling guilty.

Hang in there; it will pass, and you'll feel so much freer.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 10/03/2024 14:29

From your first post, it sounded like he was putting you on pause until he was sure his new dialiance was going to work out.

Sorry he's having an affair - I wasn't sure if it had started but it was definitely heading that way.

If it were me, I would say nothing but "ok, it that's what you want, it's probably a good idea" until you are good and ready and in a position to have all of your advice from professionals and your plan in terms of accommodation, expenses etc in place.

Gather all the information you need first. Then when ready, you do what you need to do on your terms.

Don't hang about though as he'll justify his actions more over time.

The cheating was on his terms. The divorce should be on your terms.

Pudmyboy · 10/03/2024 14:31

...don't understand why I'm emotionally refusing to accept whats clearly happening.
I don't know what to do. I thought we'd grow old together
Could this be why it's hard to accept? The loss (destruction) of what you had thought would be your life till the end of your days?

Aquamarine1029 · 10/03/2024 14:38

OkayKinkade · 10/03/2024 12:54

Act quickly too. Once he sees you engage battle mode and he knows he's lost you, the gloves will come off big time and he will try and nail you to the ground.

Unfortunately, this is 100% true. Once he knows you know, and he knows you're divorcing him, his gloves will come off. You will not recognise this man at all.

Strike hard and strike fast. Be absolutely ruthless. Do not listen to a single word of his bullshit.

Pudmyboy · 10/03/2024 14:38

Just finished reading the full thread, sorry @Whatachliche but at least you know, and you have had a shedload of good advice and sympathy. Just want to add mine, and wish you good luck for the next stage and for your life ahead 💐