Is this the script? Handhold please

[Whatachliche]

I can't believe I'm typing this - after 25 years my HB wants to move out.

When he left for a recent work trip, we were both set to work on our relationship with a therapist. after his return, he has a new gym routine, bought new underwear and has decided he is not feeling emotionally connected to me anymore and he is too 'confused' to know what he wants.

This is the f* script right?

there have been struggles like loss and illness and an unhealthy communication style from his side but we just started couples therapy to work on our relationship and turn things around. now this.

Do I entertain his quest for space or do I believe the signs of the script and just start divorce? I don't want to look through his phone, I think I can't deal with the truth. I rather walk away without knowing if that makes sense, or is that just the fear of no point of return?

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@JodieFostersFurHood
yes I asked him to admit if he wanted a divorce, his response was that he doesn’t know and needs space and time to think - without a plan how this set up would look like.
@TheShellBeach I stupidly kept asking if there is someone else, but of course he vehemently denies it. I could go through his phone but I’m too scared of the pain I’d feel if confirmed.
@Cocacolacarrie my answer is actually rather pathetic, as it would be: I just want him to love me. And yes, I’m screaming ‘sad delusional idiot’ at myself. Really looking forward to the anger to hit.
@Pinkbonbon and @Talkamongstyourselves - admire the level of boss bitch thinking, but I don’t have this in me at the moment. I used to, but somehow can’t tap into this at all, I’m still just thinking ‘but this was meant forever.’

copied over from notes so hoping the tags work

OP there generally always is OW waiting. Men like a safe raft. They don’t just jump ship.

You are not a ‘choice’ he is allowed to make. You are his wife and should be his absolute priority.

I get you’re feeling weak right now, but don’t approach him, lick your wounds, process, get into fight mode and then you can be the boss bitch you want to be. Do start to seek legal advice.

When you deliver your off you go speech you can make it clear you absolutely expect there is another woman, you don’t want to debate it because you don’t want to talk to a liar and a cheat. You just want him gone.

Surviving infidelity has a 180 strategy for getting emotional distance. I think you need this right now.

So annoying how many pathetic men there are out there. Honestly makes me feel sick!

Honestly, it could be someone else, or it could be he wishes to now meet someone else, maybe even has his eye on someone but nothing happened, and the decision to end his marriage has spurred him on to fix his body and dress better.

im not sure why you need a label ie the script, just address the issues, your husband wants to seperate. Your marriage was already in a bd way as you’d both agreed counselling.

so sit down and talk, let him move out, have some time apart, see how you feel and if you wish to go therapy or just end it.

There’s definitely someone else.

He wants you to be the one to pull the plug because then he can tell himself it’s your fault and he can ‘guilt free’ sail off into the sunset with the new woman.

He’s going to make it so awful for you that you do it. Don’t. Do the whole ‘I can’t make this decision for you’.

Get a solicitor.

Get your affairs in order. So to speak.

See if you can find some evidence of an affair. It will hurt but it will be useful longer term. And you’ll be able to see through his tot nonsense.

It is the script. I think you need to ask him very clearly 'I hear you that you don't feel emotionally connected I feel the same right now. I love you and I would like to get back to a place where we are connected again and I'm willing to put all my effort into doing so. Do you want us to reconnect and if so are you willing to try, or are you saying you want us to part ways now?'

Whatever answer he gives, you need to pour 100% focus into yourself today - you start exercising and buying new underwear too, go and get a haircut and a manicure and a massage, order yourself delicious healthy food, meet up with a good friend or two - this will either build your resilience to get though the break up or will 'win' your husband back (if he's worth winning back..) either way it's win win. Xxx

Ps hire a male hunky personal trainer and get him to come to the house/garden to do workouts with you please x

No one wants to "win" the booby prize. Trying to hold onto someone like this is a worthless task.

The whys/who's dont matter. The fact is he is not in this marriage with you anymore.
Recognise that, address it and protect your interests.
Keep your head high.. there is a whole world out there.. and you deserve better than this man can offer you.

I think you need to take control back here.
you should get copies of all important documents like his pensions, bank statements then go and see a solicitor so that you know where you stand financially.

if it were me I would have to look at his phone rather than giving him the benefit of the doubt. If i didn't I would always be wondering anyway.

Either way, I would tell him to pack his bags and leave as I wouldn't want to be with someone who was telling me they weren't sure if they wanted to be with me or not. He's made the decision already by saying that.

Tell your family and friends and get as much support as you can.

100% on point. It feels a lot like: I'd like to separate from you, can you please organise it?
He keeps saying I should feel the same as he does, and it would be 'easier' if I also craved distance.

My father tried to force my mother into being the one to end their marriage ...even going as far as to trick her into moving back to our home country with myself and my two brothers when I was 11...he wasn't going to get his passport back in time (he needed a new visa) and would 'join us later'...he had actually arranged new single accommodation for himself and hadn't given notice at his job!

His plan fell apart literally on the day we were flying, when his passport arrived the same morning, so he could fly back with us. He confessed his plan to my mother the same day, and she still stayed with him...in the end he had yet another affair and left to be with the other woman when I'd just turned 21...6 months after my younger brother turned 18.

The decade in between was utter hell. My father worked abroad for most of it, he didn't come back even when I was in a serious car accident when I was 17, that's how little he wanted to be around my mother. He was unfaithful to her the whole time, he'd come home on leave and 'confess' to my mother...but she still stayed with him. By the end it was obvious to all what was going on, and no one was surprised when he finally left.

Don't look at it as 'doing his dirty work' - look at it in a positive way, you are ending the farce and doing it with dignity.

I asked this question pretty much when he announced his shift in feelings, but till today his answer is he just doesn't know. He wants space but does nothing to organise a set up that will give hime space to think.

My ex fiance needed space… turns out he needed to work out of the girl at work would be a good girlfriend or not so needed to try out going out with her. Same our story again and again. So sorry he’s disappointed you so much. Honestly all you can do now is pour love and care into yourself and please journal x

That's because he hasn't quite worked out the logistics of moving in with the OW.

Unhelpful. Why should the OP have to arrange this on her cheating husband's behalf?

I'm reading all opinions and taking it all in. I want to reply to each post with Yes, BUT - I so desperately want everyone to be so so wrong. I know I cannot comprehend the entire situation completely.

I read 180 on SI - thank you pp who suggested this, incredibly helpful.

He announced this morning there will another work trip to the same city where he had a change of heart.

Glad you found the 180 @Whatachliche! You really need some emotional distance here.

The hardest thing to do is rip off our own rose tinted glasses and knock that ‘out hero’s ’ from the pedestal we put them on. He doesn’t deserve your unwavering devotion.

The you two years down the line would tell you to stay focused on licking your wounds, processing and get those ducks in a row.

Be your own best friend!

I totally hear you when you say you just want him to love you. It's not pathetic. Everyone wants to be loved.

A great book that was recommended to me when I split was Women Who Love Too Much. It doesn't have all the answers, it's old and some of it has aged like milk. But for me it was a great starting point of seeing that my own self esteem was shit and that's why I had stayed in a less than perfect relationship. My relationship with my own mother is difficult shall we say and she has the emotional intelligence of a teapot. I craved love from my ex who was unable to show love because that would prove I was loveable. And that would fix my crap self esteem from my childhood. People say about women marrying their fathers, I married my bloody mother!

Let the marriage go. Focus on yourself. Loving and fixing yourself. I am a year down the road now and it hasn't been an easy year by any stretch of the imagination. But I have become a much better person, done a lot of work on myself and I am so much happier alone than I ever was with my ex. I'm venturing into dating again now which is another step on the journey. But I am very practical about it all. If something happens, it happens. If it doesn't, then I know I am still a loveable person.

Aren't you saying to him 'Work trip, do you think I'm stupid? Look. You can go on the work trip with her, or stay with me. I'm not going to play pick me'.

What he actually wants is not fir you to dump him. It's to have his cake and eat it. To have two women fight over him.

I don't see how you can stand the level of disrespect from him op. I'm sorry but he's disgusting.

Not only has he not even had the decency to go stay elsewhere after his little bombshell drops. He's literally telling you he's going on another shag trip.

I get that you love him and Aren't ready to let him go. But at least love yourself enough not to let him hang around rubbing your nose in things like he is.

How could ge respect you for that.

You have to make it clear you respect yourself.
THAT at least, is attractive.

Tell him YOU need time to think and he needs to leave. He's going to cheat either way. You might as well make him sweat thinking you might leave him for it. You won't get him to stay by kissing his ass.

Turf him out temporarily so he sees what he is missing. You might in time, find your anger and come to realise you don't actually want him back.

Make it clear YOU are considering whether or not to KEEP him. Take back your power.

Watching

He announced this morning there will another work trip to the same city where he had a change of heart.

I would be saying to him, 'I do not want you to return to this house after your work trip. This is the ideal time for you to find somewhere else to stay and move out to give us both space. Frankly, I think you've either met someone there, or are going there with another woman. Either way, I don't want you back here after it'.

Whatever his response to this I'd keep grey rocking it and just repeat 'I don't want to discuss it anymore.'

Thanks for your straight talk - I really need to hear this, as painful as it is. The mad thing is if you ever met me in real life I'd come across strong and self confident. I don't recognise myself in my reaction at all, which is rather scary.

Everyone has weaknesses. Our partners often bringing out in us.

It's OK not to be strong enough to outright drop the fake asshole.

But you'll feel the better, at least in the moderate to longterm, if you tell him you need time so he has to go. And don't let him think he can treat you like shit and continue to call all the shots.

You're allowed 'time to think' and to be 'confused' too. Especially considering the person you thought was your ride or die is actually, it turns out, a massive twat.

It's OK to still love him.
But you have to love you too. Even if you don't feel it atm, your future happy self will be glad that you were brave and that you had your own back. That you know you can rely on yourself to do that.

Make sure you have all the documentation you need and an understanding of the financial stuff before doing anything.