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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this the script? Handhold please

995 replies

Whatachliche · 10/02/2024 21:37

I can't believe I'm typing this - after 25 years my HB wants to move out.

When he left for a recent work trip, we were both set to work on our relationship with a therapist. after his return, he has a new gym routine, bought new underwear and has decided he is not feeling emotionally connected to me anymore and he is too 'confused' to know what he wants.

This is the f* script right?

there have been struggles like loss and illness and an unhealthy communication style from his side but we just started couples therapy to work on our relationship and turn things around. now this.

Do I entertain his quest for space or do I believe the signs of the script and just start divorce? I don't want to look through his phone, I think I can't deal with the truth. I rather walk away without knowing if that makes sense, or is that just the fear of no point of return?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
Windydaysandwetnights · 11/02/2024 18:24

Ask him where he wants his bags dropped off to when he is away with ow....

Original poster
Whatachliche · 11/02/2024 20:10

crew2022 · 11/02/2024 18:20

Make sure you have all the documentation you need and an understanding of the financial stuff before doing anything.

absolutely, intend to.

OP posts:
whatyasay · 12/02/2024 10:12

Sounds like he's making changes to better himself for some reason. How can he want you to make this decision when he's driving it? Do you have children? Seems like he's after a single man's life.

Cocacolacarrie · 12/02/2024 10:16

whatyasay · 12/02/2024 10:12

Sounds like he's making changes to better himself for some reason. How can he want you to make this decision when he's driving it? Do you have children? Seems like he's after a single man's life.

Cos he's a tit!

It's about accepting responsibility and cognitive dissonance. He wants to be single/shag someone else but cannot cope with the guilt. So pushes it back onto the other person. If OP is the one who makes the decision or gets angry, then that means he is not at fault/bad/guilty.

My ex was like this. He couldn't cope with me being civil about our breakup and tried to use a lot of situations to start a fight because then it would be my fault.

It's all the cycle of codependency.

chatelai · 12/02/2024 10:27

Just a plus one to 'get angry, take the power back and tell him what you want'.
I've been here. I'm not the strongest of personalities, but I'm proud that I didn't do the pick me dance, and nor must you! You sound like a strong, intelligent woman going through a hell of a shock. Get professional advice, and drive this!

It'll be an 'interesting' year, but you will come out of it changed in a myriad of good ways. I promise you that.

Suchagroovyguy · 12/02/2024 16:12

The work trip is his new shag.

What a cunt he is.

Original poster
Whatachliche · 13/02/2024 21:47

I keep re-reading all your replies, they are helping me to get my head a bit more around the situation.

I stoped the ugly pick me dance and am quite distanced now. I'm spending my time thinking about what I want. I'm quite slow with my processing, so thanks for still reading.

OP posts:
Newestname002 · 14/02/2024 09:12

Hope you're doing ok today @Whatachliche? 🌹

TheShellBeach · 14/02/2024 10:57

We're still here if you need support OP.

aifosaissela777 · 14/02/2024 11:26

I know that there is a need to understand what's going on in his head, but the need for answers could delay your recovery. I think as hard as this is, try to accept that he wants to leave and start working in your recovery from this. Too many people take years to find closure in their pursuit of answers that make sense. Work on you and your future.

Original poster
Whatachliche · 20/02/2024 22:49

I'm processing this quietly - anger might come later but right now it feels allowing anger will just direct my feelings into something unproductive. I've reached out to a friend for support and allowing work to keep me busy. I want to have a really clear mind for my next steps. ducks in rows...

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 20/02/2024 22:49

Well done OP.

MysteriousInspector · 20/02/2024 23:46

This was the way I needed to do it, @Whatachliche Slowly and carefully, taking time for each realisation to sink in But also planning my divorce with the help of MN, equally slowly and carefully.

Original poster
Whatachliche · 03/03/2024 22:42

I'm re-reading all your messages and it is helping. I'm so exhausted from the way I'm feeling. More hints that there might be an OW have crept up - of course they have, non of you will be surprised.
the thing is, the betrayal feels much bigger than the OW. It is the feeling of abandonment that hurts the most, it's a 'how could you do this to me' feeling. I really can't wrap my head around it. He is still in the flat by the way, so his position is unchanged. I made the decision not to facilitate his moving out for him (as I know he'd like me to) in terms of an emotional push and from an organisation aspect. I'm sticking to @RandomMess advice of lots of "you have some thinking to do"...

OP posts:
RandomMess · 03/03/2024 22:59

Don't be afraid of forcing it a bit more "so it sounds like despite the fact you are have a relationship with someone else you aren't having the decency to end our marriage. Is that because you don't want other people to know this is all your doing?"

If nothing else you can watch him squirm!

How has the legal advice gone?

Collywobblewobbles · 03/03/2024 22:59

You're not an idiot for wanting your husband to love you, op. This is the bit that gets me most of all with cheaters - their partner ends up feeling humiliated and desperate/ashamed for wanting to be loved. There's nothing shameful in that! The humiliation and shame is all theirs!

They - HE - is a coward, a snivelling, desperate-to-be-sexy, selfish, up-his-own-arse, pathetic coward.

He's behaving pathetically.

Wants out? Fine. Having an affair? Alright. Be an effing grown up and own it - take some responsibility Mr Big Man. Bet he gives It All That when he's at work, but here he is, too pathetic and weak to take any action in his personal life.

Hold that head of yours high, op.

Collywobblewobbles · 03/03/2024 23:01

Oh and I'd stop telling him he has "lots of thinking to do", that sounds like you're telling a 5 year old to learn to eat their dinner.

Tell him to grow a pair* and make a bloody decision, the total wuss.

*apologies for the outdated phrase!

Original poster
Whatachliche · 04/03/2024 22:14

RandomMess · 03/03/2024 22:59

Don't be afraid of forcing it a bit more "so it sounds like despite the fact you are have a relationship with someone else you aren't having the decency to end our marriage. Is that because you don't want other people to know this is all your doing?"

If nothing else you can watch him squirm!

How has the legal advice gone?

well, he still insists there is no OW.

legal advice was helpful, I know what I need to gather.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatachliche · 04/03/2024 22:19

Collywobblewobbles · 03/03/2024 22:59

You're not an idiot for wanting your husband to love you, op. This is the bit that gets me most of all with cheaters - their partner ends up feeling humiliated and desperate/ashamed for wanting to be loved. There's nothing shameful in that! The humiliation and shame is all theirs!

They - HE - is a coward, a snivelling, desperate-to-be-sexy, selfish, up-his-own-arse, pathetic coward.

He's behaving pathetically.

Wants out? Fine. Having an affair? Alright. Be an effing grown up and own it - take some responsibility Mr Big Man. Bet he gives It All That when he's at work, but here he is, too pathetic and weak to take any action in his personal life.

Hold that head of yours high, op.

yes you hit it on the head - there is a very unjust feeling of shame attached to it all. I do understand it is not my shame, but it FEELS attached to me. thats one of the things I'm working slowly through. I just need more time to let it all sink in before I can challenge him to make a decision.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatachliche · 10/03/2024 11:19

I had to wait to find the strength to get the truth confirmed - but have found the messages to the OW today. 25 years. and he is lying to my face with complete ease. I nearly threw up reading them.
obviously will file for divorce, but how will I survive this? I feel I can't.

OP posts:
cjcghana · 10/03/2024 11:26

So sorry for what you are going through. Be kind to yourself please x He's an arse.

EarthSight · 10/03/2024 11:32

hmmmwhattodo · 10/02/2024 22:04

That's exactly what he wants you to do. He's telling you in so many ways he doesn't want you. He isn't confused, he just doesn't want to be the one to call it a day. I really feel for you, but you know what you have to do.

Show quote history

Some online on here or Youtube said very articulately and insightfully, that men often won't leave their wives /girlfriends.

They just become progressively worse partners until the woman accepts the emotional burden of ending the relationship.

TheShellBeach · 10/03/2024 11:40

Whatachliche · 10/03/2024 11:19

I had to wait to find the strength to get the truth confirmed - but have found the messages to the OW today. 25 years. and he is lying to my face with complete ease. I nearly threw up reading them.
obviously will file for divorce, but how will I survive this? I feel I can't.

I'm so sorry. It must have hurt like hell to have found those messages.

He's a POS and although this is a very sad and troubling time for you, I believe that in about a year's time you'll feel better. I know that's absolutely no help now, sorry.

But reading other women's threads on here, on the same lines, it does eventually get better. Your emotions are running high at the moment and that's completely understandable.
Flowers

TheShellBeach · 10/03/2024 11:43

And at least you can now challenge him with the evidence if he carries on denying that there's another woman.

Take screenshots before he gets a chance to delete them.

RandomMess · 10/03/2024 11:50

You will survive it, very painful but you will.