Is this the script? Handhold please

[Whatachliche]

I can't believe I'm typing this - after 25 years my HB wants to move out.

When he left for a recent work trip, we were both set to work on our relationship with a therapist. after his return, he has a new gym routine, bought new underwear and has decided he is not feeling emotionally connected to me anymore and he is too 'confused' to know what he wants.

This is the f* script right?

there have been struggles like loss and illness and an unhealthy communication style from his side but we just started couples therapy to work on our relationship and turn things around. now this.

Do I entertain his quest for space or do I believe the signs of the script and just start divorce? I don't want to look through his phone, I think I can't deal with the truth. I rather walk away without knowing if that makes sense, or is that just the fear of no point of return?

You will xx

I'll be strong in the divorce and I'll make sure I get what I can.

I'll go back to my therapist, and work through the pain and loss.

Still...he will not even feel an ounce of my pain. And that doesn't sit right with me. He will likely never feel that level of betrayal. And thats what I can't get over. Ok, I'm strong and I'll survive, but he will move on, with minimal inconvenience, distracted by new love. I know the world isn't fair, and I never have seen an outstanding example of Karma, but f* me it stings that it is just so easy for him.

He's not confused, just spineless and lacking in integrity.

His OW has given him an ultimatum.

no, but 2 cats. The OW looks around 10 years younger, so no doubt he will now reconsider being 'too busy for kids'

Don't think for one second this decision will bring him a happy life. The grass is rarely greener for long on the other side. All the stability and effort he has put into life for the past 25 years is over. He will be starting from scratch. It will be a much smaller home probably, with a mortgage that will probably go longer term than he ever envisioned. A new relationship which has never stood any test of permanency, the honeymoon phase will die and reality will set in. His daily ways and routines will be interrupted and will change.

Aside from all this he will wake up one morning and miss you, he will miss the good times and will never tell you but feel it.

Starting your life again at middle age is difficult, even if you instigate the change- it will put masses of pressure on a very new relationship.

The best revenge is to live your best life and eventually over time forget about him. After the grief and the anger subsides use this as an opportunity to live in a way you want.

When I left my relationship, I never got the life I had back but I created a new one. My home was smaller but perfectly formed, my child and I had lots of adventures, I got a cheeky dog and eventually (after a few rounds of the brutality of online dating) a wonderful man who eventually became my husband.

Don't focus on him, focus on you x

You can survive this and you will.

Divorce now is a no fault one.

You have to reframe your future now, don't trusty a word he says.

In my case I'm divorcing. I never thought I'd be able to leave. I never thought that my H wouldn't do the right thing. I never thought he'd turn into a useless father. I have kept, he isn't, he has.

thanks for the encouragement. and sharing your experiences.

I'm crushed but you are helping me. thank you

Op I’m so sorry. How heartbreaking to be treated so cruelly. Well done you though for taking control. Please take care of yourself as much as possible.

Yup, move your best China to your mums or other relative, and anything else you might prize, that he realises you love.

BIL took lots of my sisters good china dinner sets to set up with his girlfriend who he’d been seeing for years .

Anything she valued, he wanted.

Complete creep

It doesn't help that he expresses confusion and describes his feelings as not sure what to do. He wants a separation but he isn't sure about it. He wants to move out but cant say that he wants a divorce. He is cold and won't touch me, not even in a non sexual way

He has someone else and wants to dangle you/have you as the fallback in case it doesn't work out. He's not confused he's a grown man hedging his bets. You're too passive. Tell him if he's no longer invested in the marriage you'd like a divorce and in the meantime he needs to move out please. Don't let him hang around, he needs to go into his new life not have a foot in both camps. Yes it's The Script and he sees you as stupid enough to fall for it. He doesn't respect you. Stand up for yourself.

He's taking away the future you saw for yourself with him, disrupting your pattern of life so of course you feel unsteady. But please - he needs a wake-up call and to know that he can't walk all over you with his silly 'confusion' talk.

Ah so sorry OP. My ExH and I separated after 25 years so I know how scary it feels. Mine said similar things to yours although he was very keen to leave and adamant his feelings were permanent. He denied there was anyone else, gaslit me and made me sound paranoid. I initially tried to save the marriage as I genuinely thought he was having a mental health crisis as he was all over the place and nothing he said made sense. Once I knew about the affair everything did of course make sense, including the increasing tension as it progressed. The hardest thing to come to terms with is them throwing you (and your children if you have any), under a bus. There is absolutely no need to do that and you can separate in a way that does not obliterate your history together. But it seems certain types of men are so weak they cannot leave unless they do so destructively. I remember on another thread someone saying that some men can only function through women. That makes sense as they want us to help them throw us under a bus. When we don't oblige we get monstering from them, or they have to rely on the OW to help them navigate. That is never going to end well!

I had concrete evidence of ExH's affair just after he left and at that point I went no contact as my Mum had just died and he was being vile to me as well as lying about the affair. I was petrified at the thought of going no contact as I couldn't imagine not speaking to someone I had been with for so long, especially the father of our adult son (who was 21 at the time). But it was the best thing I ever did and I never once regretted it. I was able to stand back and see how abusive and controlling he was. It gave me my power back and I felt completely different about him almost overnight - lost all interest in him completely. That meant he lost control though which did not go down well. Up until that point he had tried to keep me on elastic to manipulate me. Despite trying to avoid me for months and only speaking to me when I called him, all of a sudden now I cut off contact he was desperate to speak to me and did lots to try and goad me. By this stage I had no interest whatsoever in giving him any attention. But it did make agreeing on the financial settlement more difficult. So if you can, you are best to keep things cordial until they are settled.

If you want him out the flat, which i would suggest is preferable for your own sanity, could you suggest that as he is confused he is perhaps best to move out and take some space to think things through without the pressure of living together? Then you can get everything lined up in terms of how to split the finances. I would wait until it is all agreed and signed before revealing that you know. But, he may well yo yo and drag his feet on the finances.

What I can say is that you can do this and you will feel marvellous once you are free.

@trippingthelightfantastic1
your story is my story. there are so many similarities.

Whilst he is 'confused' he also was sure he wanted to leave and also adamant his feelings were permanent.

He denied there was anyone else, gaslit me and made me sound paranoid. He looked me in the eyes, in front of our couple therapist, and swore there is no OW.

I also tried to save the marriage as I genuinely thought he was having a mental health crisis as he was all over the place and nothing he said made sense - same here! His behaviour and language was so iff I genuinely thought he is having a breakdown.

Like you say - Once I knew about the affair everything did of course make sense: indeed. Now looking back, I can see obvious signs further back in time, they were small and I dismissed them. But seeing that this affair has been going on for 2 years, a lot of odd things make sense now.

I know I feel better once I'm NC but I need to get the financial order in place before this can happen. This will be excruciating and the enormity of the situation weighs so heavy on me.

I have seen now, he is a cruel person, he doesn't feel guilty. I have to prepare for battle with a stranger with a face that I love.

We are all behind you. Baby steps... You've got this, as hard as it may be. Xx

I have seen now, he is a cruel person, he doesn't feel guilty

Amazing how they manage to be so cruel when once they loved and cherished us.

I look back at the way my ex ended it with me. I was utterly blindsided by his cruelty.

And that was many, many years ago now. I didn't know how to get through, hour by hour, at the time.

The pain did eventually go. But it hurt so much at the time.

Keep reminding yourself that the OW - if he does indeed end up with her - has won no prize.

She has ended up with a man a decade older than herself, who after 25 years with another woman was prepared to lie, cheat, commit adultery, gaslight, and treat the person he was supposed to be committed to with utter contempt.

And he felt no remorse, no sorrow for having done so. Do you know any decent woman of self respect who wants a man like that in their life? Who genuinely dreams of being with this prince of men?

You, on the other hand are free of it all and can be whatever you want to be. And you can look at yourself in the mirror and know that you tried very hard, through therapy and everything else to support this liar and try and save your marriage. You have absolutely nothing to reproach yourself for.

I remember that fleeting moment when you are so glad your gut had not let you down over something so big and then the next thught is 'How on earth and I going to manage it all'.

I would keep quiet for now as PPs have suggested but the down side of that is that in a few weeks he might be back as the bloom has gone off the rose as it were! If he thinks you don't know, he will feel free to come home and try and come up with some ne w age BS as to why he had to do it.

Seriously, be prepared for him to return either way. I was aware my ex was with 'Miss Fanny Pelmet 2002' and he knew I knew but it didn't stop him coming back after six weeks to say it had all been a horrible mistake. I told him to eff off obvs.

He went back to her, her DH put in for a transfer and after another six months he had moved on to some other poor sap.

Protect your heart and grow a skin like a rhino. do everything now for your own benefit. He is the enemy now.

One day in the future, after you are divorced fro the tosser, you will get a chance to tell him you knew all along and THAT will be worth the wait!

don't think he will come back as the affair has gone for 2 years - it feels in the last 6 weeks he simply decided to jump ship, make the affair legit but is too much of a coward to tell me. hence the soul searching bullshit of 'BUT I JUST DONT KNOW'

My brain is now doing things to protect me, when I read their messages today I'm somehow convinced thats not him writing those. I understand it's a thinly vailed psychological process to protect me. the words they wrote feel oddly unreal and I'm detached.

At work today my while existence felt unreal, like this is all not really happening, and he will come home and will be able to explain and it will all make sense and all will be ok. I think my subconsciousness understands the brief of MUST. NOT. CRY. AT. WORK. and did its thing. or am I having a mental breakdown?

@Whatachliche oh that sounds like a bloody hard day. Have you got anything planned that might help you cope with the emotional aspect (eg a friend you can meet up with). It’s horrible to think someone you love can do this to you…what a horrible reflection of Jos character.

I suppose this is your rock bottom, hopefully the most difficult period is now and then things can only get better. It’s no wonder this period is so hard to deal with and I suspect you are right about your brain wanting to protect you. It’s no wonder it’ll take you a while to fully process what has happened.

I’m sending you lots of strong thought. Hope you manage to get some rest tonight.

I've been through a similar thing too, OP. We're here for you, you're on autopilot and reading your words it's all coming back to me, the tight chest, the disbelief and surreal pain knowing your life is dramatically changing without your permission and the utter fucking temerity of the man, he is a pathetic liar.

I promise you will come out of this so much better, you can do whatever you want.

The worst thing my exh did was narrate his own version of the breakup story to all our family and friends. This story included 'me' having a breakdown, being suspicious and jealous for 2 years (the same time as he'd been having an affair), ho he'd tried and tried and tried to support me and to go to counselling lying through his teeth throughout but sadly now his own mental health was suffering and he had to 'take a step back'. Yup right back into the bed of the woman he'd been shagging.

If I were to live that time over again, I'd prepare myself better for this. Get my own story straight and shared with key people in advance, if possible.

Regarding the point at which you let him know you know; despite the immense temptation to show your hand and see him crumble, once you have got your ducks in a row, I'd just leave for work one morning, and say "oh by the way, I know." Nothing more, and when questioned, just repeat: "I know". And walk away.

He will be in a panic, because he has no idea what you know, and he is trying to protect his own image and create his own story. You can use his panic to strengthen our own calm and resolve. Watch him squirm and lie and deny. His pain and confusion is but a small part of what he put you through - the difference is that your's is based on truth, his was based on lies and deception.

yes I actually have indeed! a friend is coming over and is staying all weekend and beginning of the next week. she will be a tonic - she reminded me today that my H runs funny (keens touching??) she felt so strongly about this, it made me laugh. Now I need to go and reflect why I'd ever allowed a guy with an idiotic running style to make me feel bad (this reflection will be an upgrade from crying)

sorry meant to say "knees touching"(when he runs)

Email the therapist, cc him. ‘Just to let you know ex has been having an affair for about two years now. So everything he’s said to me and in our sessions with you has been a lie. Understandably I don’t see the point in continuing sessions, they will just be full of more lies.’

I have been thinking about this.

i have the following options (so far)

• reveal everything I know in front of of our couple therapist, the one he did swear in front of of that there isn’t another woman

• like every single of the OW instagram photos - but no comments. just like everything. no explanation, wait what happens

• send his mum screenshots of his adulterer text messages (she despises adulterers)

• send him the morst cringe of their text messages as print outs anonymously per post. sit and watch the panic grow

lighthearted !