Page 40 | Is this the script? Handhold please

Whatachliche · 2024-02-10T21:37:49+00:00

I can't believe I'm typing this - after 25 years my HB wants to move out. When he left for a recent work trip, we were both set to work on our relationship with a therapist. after his return, he has a new gym routine, bought new underwear and has decided he is not feeling emotionally connected to me anymore and he is too 'confused' to know what he wants. This is the f*** script right? there have been struggles like loss and illness and an unhealthy communication style from his side but we just started couples therapy to work on our relationship and turn things around. now this. Do I entertain his quest for space or do I believe the signs of the script and just start divorce? I don't want to look through his phone, I think I can't deal with the truth. I rather walk away without knowing if that makes sense, or is that just the fear of no point of return?

Duh · 28/02/2025 15:29

OP you have been amazing throughout this, well done.

He wants a final conversation so he can have the final word. Do not give it to him.

Nannylovesshopping · 28/02/2025 15:54

Just keep moving onwards and upwards, you have got this, mega woman! Do not entertain this nothing in your fabulous life!

Turtletunes · 28/02/2025 16:50

Yes, absolutely keep on keeping on! You know if you had agreed to a final chat, he would have told his new woman and anyone else that you were insisting on having a final chat, because you couldn't let go etc etc etc

Imjustagirlintheworld · 28/02/2025 17:34

Mix56 · 28/02/2025 15:07

I expect he feels he didn't "win", because you walked away without histrionics & no visible regret, he feels like a popped balloon.
He thought he was getting one over on you, but there was no punching the air.
Don't entertain any meaningful chats or final goodbyes. Block.
If he's uncomfortable, Good !

Couldn't agree more.

Imagine how livid he'll be if you block him OP 😂 that would be a "win" in my book!

Windydaysandwetnights · 28/02/2025 17:36

Print off all the messages.. Send him the parcel.
Add in a note.
Here is the closure..
I am honest and you are a lying cunt..
Then block him in all ways.
If you see him with ow, ask her if she is x, y or z...

ILoveNigelTufnel · 28/02/2025 20:12

Either leave him on unread and never open the messages (he’ll HATE that) or block him.

Do whichever is right for you. You’re seriously amazing and you have come so far. Keep on keeping on - we’re all behind you. Xx

cjcghana · 28/02/2025 21:58

Windydaysandwetnights · 28/02/2025 17:36

Print off all the messages.. Send him the parcel.
Add in a note.
Here is the closure..
I am honest and you are a lying cunt..
Then block him in all ways.
If you see him with ow, ask her if she is x, y or z...

Love it!

cjcghana · 28/02/2025 22:00

You've been an inspiration @whatacliche

Catoo · 28/02/2025 22:11

Whatachliche · 28/02/2025 11:25

It has been a bit over a year since i have started this thread. My whole life has changed and I am now in a space of calm. maybe not full blown happiness but I'm feeling a lot of calmness and gratitude for my friends, health and everything I am building for myself.

whilst I am better in putting boundaries up against him, he has now started to pester me for a last conversation to 'help us both to move on'. obviously I told him that is not needed and I had my closure when I found about his affair. Naturally I will neither give him my time nor indulge his wishes.
BUT I have such a strong inner feeling that I should, that I owe him that (wtf?!?!?!) that it is the decent thing to do. this shows me how strongly he has been brainwashing me. it shows how strong his manipulation has been. any thoughts how I can become mentally more free of him? how can I shed this last bit of power he has? besides the practical side of blocking his number now.

In time you will be mentally free of him. One day you will realise you haven’t thought about him for a while.

Your instinct to avoid any ‘last conversation’ is wise.

Remember those years of lying and gaslighting, and confusing you? He’s an expert at that. Don’t let him anywhere near you for chats in person or otherwise.

The one thing that narcs like him absolutely hate is being ignored. Ignore absolutely everything else he ever sends. He knows how to push your buttons better than anyone. Any time you think about responding have a 24h cooling down period rule.

Silence is absolutely golden, and is how you take the power back. Indifference will come, and he will sense it and hate it.

💐

CinnamonJellyBeans · 28/02/2025 23:59

You already had the "last conversation" a few weeks back and you didn't get the quite the result you wanted. Lots of posters advised you to avoid talking to him, as he would twist the knife, which he seems to have done, judging by how you felt afterwards.

However, it appears that what you said to him has really gotten under his skin; You had the element of surprise, revealing that you had known about his affairs for a long time and you were simply playing him in order to get the flat solely in your name.

He clearly was not expecting this from you and is butt-sore about being on the back foot for once. He wants to have this "closure" conversation so he can regain the upper hand.

Quit while you're ahead and do not speak to him again,

OhCobblers · 01/03/2025 09:35

He clearly was not expecting this from you and is butt-sore about being on the back foot for once. He wants to have this "closure" conversation so he can regain the upper hand.

Quit while you're ahead and do not speak to him again,

This x 100
You've come so far OP don't let this derail you.

OhCobblers · 01/03/2025 09:35

Sorry trying to quote @CinnamonJellyBeans

ButterBastardBeans · 01/03/2025 10:01

He's desperate to get mastery just one more time.

Going silent is the most hurtful thing you can do with these types as they hate it.

Go silent.

Spooky2000 · 01/03/2025 10:57

Whatachliche · 28/02/2025 11:25

It has been a bit over a year since i have started this thread. My whole life has changed and I am now in a space of calm. maybe not full blown happiness but I'm feeling a lot of calmness and gratitude for my friends, health and everything I am building for myself.

whilst I am better in putting boundaries up against him, he has now started to pester me for a last conversation to 'help us both to move on'. obviously I told him that is not needed and I had my closure when I found about his affair. Naturally I will neither give him my time nor indulge his wishes.
BUT I have such a strong inner feeling that I should, that I owe him that (wtf?!?!?!) that it is the decent thing to do. this shows me how strongly he has been brainwashing me. it shows how strong his manipulation has been. any thoughts how I can become mentally more free of him? how can I shed this last bit of power he has? besides the practical side of blocking his number now.

IMHO, this is classic hoovering. He wants to check your boundaries by way of : if you agree to a conversation, then in his mind it's not because you're a decent person... it's because you must 'want' to hear what he says, to have that 'final moment' with him. He's assessing whether you have a modicum of emotion for him, which will give him supply to falsely believe that he could return if he wanted to. It may also be to have a final malicious attack on you.

Don't do it. Don't let your morality trick you into setting yourself up for hurt. Tell him to get fucked and block him. "Nothing more to discuss, I don't require anything from you or a dissemination, thank you. Goodbye 🙂"

Oooooomph · 01/03/2025 11:41

This thread is filling up fast. It would be lovely to read further updates if you feel like starting a new thread. If not, I wish you every happiness in your life. Your strength and determination have been an inspiration to me and I'm sure plenty of others here. xx

GingerLiberalFeminist · 01/03/2025 11:50

Whatachliche · 10/02/2024 21:58

yes, thats the advice I would give.
But somehow it feels undoable after 25 years together. It doesn't help that he expresses confusion and describes his feelings as not sure what to do. He wants a separation but he isn't sure about it. He wants to move out but cant say that he wants a divorce. He is cold and won't touch me, not even in a non sexual way.
His indecision feels quite selfish and like he wants me to force into making a decision for him.

Yeah love that's the script. Take the bull by its balls and end it. You're worth more than someone who does this to you. Hugs <3

Sistedtwister · 01/03/2025 14:15

And here it is, your gotcha moment.

You are living rent free in his head, despite his denials and twisted explanations, he can not take it that you knew, and you won by getting what you wanted.

Just respond, why on earth would I want to waste my time doing that? And then block him

Well done, you are a warrior

RandomMess · 01/03/2025 14:22

@Sistedtwister is correct!!!

That absolutely is your gotcha, although he appeared not to care when you told him he very very much does care that you got one over on him.

Completely block him, nothing with her to him more.

Original poster

Whatachliche · 01/03/2025 21:20

Oooooomph · 01/03/2025 11:41

This thread is filling up fast. It would be lovely to read further updates if you feel like starting a new thread. If not, I wish you every happiness in your life. Your strength and determination have been an inspiration to me and I'm sure plenty of others here. xx

Edited

Thank you for suggesting another thread - I'd love a little more support. here it is:

The Eagle and the Rabbit - follow on from Is this the script? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/5285344-the-eagle-and-the-rabbit-follow-on-from-is-this-the-script

OP posts: