Is this the script? Handhold please

[Whatachliche]

I can't believe I'm typing this - after 25 years my HB wants to move out.

When he left for a recent work trip, we were both set to work on our relationship with a therapist. after his return, he has a new gym routine, bought new underwear and has decided he is not feeling emotionally connected to me anymore and he is too 'confused' to know what he wants.

This is the f* script right?

there have been struggles like loss and illness and an unhealthy communication style from his side but we just started couples therapy to work on our relationship and turn things around. now this.

Do I entertain his quest for space or do I believe the signs of the script and just start divorce? I don't want to look through his phone, I think I can't deal with the truth. I rather walk away without knowing if that makes sense, or is that just the fear of no point of return?

Once every last thing has been finalised. I would put it on FB as others have said.

I would have to state that the entire divorce, he didn't know that you knew about the OW but you did and it made the divorce so much the sweeter.

Yes, I’d make sure he knows you know - but indirectly. I’d send OW the evidence of the other ones and let her know she’s welcome to him. I’d also add that you’ve informed x, y and z about his multiple infidelities so everyone knows his character. And then ignore any attempts to contact you from either of them. Once all the legal stuff is signed off and final.

He is one piece of crap.

I am so happy that you're coming out on the other side. Well done for holding your nerve. I agree with you that there is lots of wise advise about avoiding a face-to-face confrontation. You won't enjoy it.

Just write him a brief email to say that you, the neighbours and your mutual friends have known all along and you have played him at his own game to get keep your flat. And not to contact you again.

Hopefully that should take the wind out of his sails and stop him moving close to you.

I don’t think telling your STBEX anything directly will give you the closure you want OP. You’ve said he’s manipulative, so don’t give him the satisfaction of knowing how much he’s hurt you.
A more subtle revenge would be more satisfying. Like letting the OW x 3 know about each other so they can get can get checked out of STDs as your Ex has been a bit scratchy around his nether regions recently
Does OW husband know she’s having an affair? Maybe he needs to be told with evidence what’s been happening?

Didnt you say you had a mutual friend who knows OW ?

Do nothing until the inks dry on the divorce and financial settlement.Revenge is sweetest served cold

Classic signs of there being another woman. I’m sorry but I would leave because it looks like he is anyway.

I think I would hit him were it REALLY hurts. His "I am cleverer than you" nerve.

"Ex

Today I received notification that the house in now in my name, legally and financially.

So now I am able to tell you the following facts.

On X date, I discovered your affair with Jane Brown (has she left her husband yet?). On Y date I discovered your affairs with Sarah Green and Julie White, both of whom you finished with in Z month.

I have known about this since you announced that you needed "space" back in February. Why didnt I say anything? Because I needed to make sure that I got what I wanted, and now I have, because you are too stupid to believe that you would ever get caught. You were wrong. Now I am sure that you will use this to "prove" that I am such an awful person that it justifies you having a two year affair with Jane and other shorter affairs at the same time as her, but it doesnt. Its just proves that you are not as clever as you think you are.

Your former in laws, neighbours, friends and aquaintances also know as frankly I did not think that your behaviour was a secret I needed to keep.

Have a nice life. Or not, I dont care either way and I never did!"

If you can find out her and her husbands contact details (Linkedin is a good way to do that) then cc them and any people that you know he wants to view him in a good way.

Read the thread mate, its moved on A LOT since then!

It would help if you'd read the thread before commenting.

This is perfect though I wouldnt share it with anyone else. Chickens always come home to roost

@Whatachliche

I agree with @PyongyangKipperbang 's message. It's perfect. But I also agree with @fc123 's advice to not share it. If you wish to inform the OW's husband of the affair, do so directly with him, providing what proof you have, and do so quietly. He can take it from there in the manner he chooses to. He deserves the same 'privacy' you've had to deal with this, including not telling her until he's good and ready.

I think the thing to keep in mind is that no matter how you tell stbx that you know and what you know, it's highly unlikely that you're going to get the reaction from him that you're hoping for. And also, if you do send it in 'written' form it's likely that he'll share it (or parts of it) and deny any wrongdoing. So don't be surprised when that happens or when you hear from people what he's 'sharing'.

Will you get closure? No one can predict that. If 'closure' means he acknowledges and apologizes, then no you won't get closure. If 'closure' means you blow apart his little fantasy world, then no you won't get closure. But if 'closure' means you have had your say and need nothing more to move on, then yes, you'll get closure.

And of course, do nothing until everything is done and dusted. No loose ends, no further contact with him needed.

I think the universe will present you with the opportunity to reveal what you knew without you needing to send any messages to him.

He’ll either say something mean about the OW to your face and you can laugh that you’ve known for ages and you wish her luck.

Or a flying monkey or mutual acquaintance or two will ask you ‘if you heard his news about living with OW’ and you can say with a big smile, ‘of course I knew about her from day one - And the other two. Good luck to those poor women!’ Knowing it will get back to him.

I would find other people being able to tell him I knew, and that I seemed happy and upbeat, far more satisfactory than telling him myself where he is only likely to get nasty and personal in return. Imagine him hearing you were laughing and naming three different OW to people. He’ll be livid.

Can’t wait to hear that it’s all signed over and you’re rid of him.

💐

Still cheering you on as you come up to the final hurdle!

I think he'll throw it in your face when he thinks he's home free. In which case, just laugh and say you knew all along and you didn't care

Another option might be to send them all flowers to thank them for helping you get shot of him, and let them tell him...

I think you are all correct, a face to face confrontation is handing him an opportunity for cruelty on a plate.

I'll do it via email, just so I said what I needed to say.

I'll also let OWs husband know. I'll do that as a phone call, if I can get his number. I have nothing to hide and I want her to know who told her husband. I also want to spare him the agony of an anonymous message.

this is excellent, thank you!

"Have a nice life. Or not, I dont care either way and I never did!"

I think that's an okay email apart from this bit. Please don't write anything like this, OP. You did care, once, very much, and it just sounds like goading him.

I'm not convinced that any email or confrontation is necessary. Yes tell the OW's husband. I would say nothing to your ex. Then when he inevitably comes to you and asks how you knew about the affair, you can say, "I always knew. I knew about X and Y too."

I don't know. I just don't think a big dramatic message will make you feel good, or like you have closure. It's highly likely to stir him up to do or say something cruel to you. You can't win with people like him. The best advice with such toxic people is to just get away from them as quickly and as safely as you can. He's not a safe person to say these things too, because he will quite possibly seek some kind of revenge.

You could just keep it sweet.

Pleased the house is now mine and I have what I wanted, don't need to pretend I don't know about your affairs and ad hoc sex with others anymore.

@RandomMess ’s four lines are just so brutal; those would really sting, OP.
I think omitting detail will irritate him
immeasurably and land the deftest blow.

Ooh I like this!

OP you are a legend. Truly xx

I like that!

@RandomMess has cracked it
.
I initially felt giving the full details would be good but I think in fact it would provide too much of the pain and emotion that you suffered.

The short non detailed response shows that you are content with the outcome.

Make sure it's a text or an email so you can look back on it fondly as the time the your new wonderful life began

I do think it will leave him wondering just how long you have known about it - months/years/decades and how long you have been playing him for.

However I would send and then immediately block as he will come back with nasty personal comments and it will be all your fault somehow.

Nearly there, just keep going

Just telling the OW's husband what you know, including how long you have kept it a secret and why, is a much better tactic. You can feed him exactly what you want to travel back to your ex as there is no doubt that would happen. Your ex will feel an even bigger fool as he will have the humiliation of his fuckery and your victory being outed by the OW through her husband, and he will know that you couldn't even be bothered to engage in a conversation with him about it. I think that will get to him far more than you confronting him. Silence (from you to him) is golden!