Why am I hopeless at reading signals?

[WitheringTights000]

Hi all,

Dipped my toe into OLD in November, I'm 31.

Quite a few of my friends and family say I can come across as very aloof/disinterested. Both in person and over text towards dating prospects. Like I can seem as though I'm giving someone the brush off.

I matched with a guy a few months back and he asked me out over Xmas. I had to cancel, he asked me to re-arrange and also messaged me happy new year on New Year's Day,

I took five weeks to reply. Awful I know but I get nervous about dating and I'm very indecisive plus had family staying from Toronto for 3 weeks so was hectic. I messaged him to explain why January was hectic and that I would like to go out.

He actually replied only one hour later to say great to have family over from far off lands and okay fantastic let's get something planned, smiley face.

I replied back joking they had slightly outstayed their welcome and then to his message saying 'let's get something arranged' I said 'yes okay good'

That was 4 days ago and nothing. He read and didn't reply. So I guess I'm wondering if I should follow up and say 'sorry I didn't really finish my sentence, that should of said 'yes okay good let's get something organised'

I'm wondering now if he doesn't want to go out and sent that message back to me so he can be the one who does the ghosting!

Or if my message of 'yes okay good' didn't make sense or seemed disinterested?

I feel like other women would have no issue with interpreting any of this and knowing what to do but for me it's an issue!

Please advise if I should message again or just assume he is uninterested!

The only advise I will give you is to stop dating and to work on yourself and your confidence as he asked you to text him to let him know you got home safe and you didn't and are now saying you wanted him to text first. Let the poor guy go as you are hard work. Just be yourself and stop overthinking as will do your own head in and his also. Take a break from dating and maybe talk to a therapist and address these issues as dating and early dating should be fun and not all this stress. Am stressed just reading all this and people gave you good advise on here but you didn't listen. Please stop overthinking and go with the flow and take it easy and get to know a person before anything further develops to see if you actually like them first and if they text then text them back.

Thanks for everyone's responses!

@SamW98 - I know you have been reading my comments in disbelief! I definitely lack confidence and I'm so afraid of being 'ghosted' that I end up doing things like this.

I did end up texting him, something funny, we did have a few snogs last night and he remarked that my lipgloss was on his lips

So I messaged and said 'have you wiped off the lipgloss yet, I think that colour really suits you'

He responded straight away to say ' I like that colour on me' and then said 'it was lovely to see you again 😃' ....then asked if I was hungover etc!

I just find it difficult to know what to do in texting situations.

I am also going into hospital for a procedure and will be in 5 nights, I haven't mentioned it to him as it's gynae related so kind of embarrassing! I take it that's deffo the right course of action?

God almighty, @WitheringTights000 — do you want to tell someone you’ve been on two dates about your gynae procedure? If you do, tell him. If you don’t, don’t. Why are you asking a bunch of frustrated strangers on the internet what course of action you would prefer to take?

Jesus Christ I am wondering if this is actually real because no one is this hard work surely?

@CheerfulBardo - it is an advice forum after all....

Just because I wont be up to messaging him whilst in hospital so that again looks like another brush off

Just let him know you’ll be incapacitated for a week and will message him when you’re up to it.

honestly, you’re just creating drama.

That’s my point! No one can advise you on what you want!

You don’t need to tell him the details. You don’t need to tell him anything. Just say you’re going to be out of touch for five days and would like to see him again when you’re able. IF that’s what you do want, obviously.

@OneMoreTime23 - yes but it's strange to text someone and say you will be incapacitated for 5 days .....automatic response to that is 'why'

Say something, don’t say something, it all makes you look shady given your past behaviour.

🤷🏻‍♀️

(It’s no more strange than telling someone you’ll
text when you get home then deliberately not bother because you’re testing them in a game they don’t know you’re playing.)

Yep, to which you just say something like "In for an operation, nothing serious". 99% of people aren't nosy fuckers so he's highly unlikely to ask for any more info than that

Also unless it’s a very complicated procedure I’m assuming there will be times you’ll be able to text from the ward should you wish to..

The OP apparently can’t text from her home when she’s explicitly said she will. 😒

I feel sorry for this guy. You are hard work! You're expecting him to guess what you expect in terms of Communication.
Just tell him you have a minor op, nothing serious but you're going to be out of action for a few days. Then message him when you're home.
If you cant be bothered to message him then leave him alone. He deserves better than this.

So you said you were going to stop playing games. Yet here you are. Goodness me. You don't seem the have the ability to see how you're behaviour could be interpreted. No introspection. I honestly don't know why you're asking for advice as you've not taken a single word anyone had said. All you're doing is replying to certain posts, saying - no, but this is why I did it because "over complicated /game playing/analytical to the point of imagining things", and that's all this whole thread has been. You batting back selective replies telling the poster why they're wrong.

I'm stunned he's stuck around thus far.

Do you even like this guy?

You seem more preoccupied with the game of getting him to chase and validate you than with actually exploring a relationship.

Hit the nail on the head here I think - not that interested in him but want him to be making the effort and chasing OP

Back on this thread, for another update

(Sorry to bore you all)

So the man in question, I did text him that next day to say I got home safe etc, conversation flowed really well.

I went into hospital 3 days later for a 5 day stay (gynae related so wouldn't have wanted to tell him). He messaged me whilst I was in there, obv I didn't mention I was in hospital! Then on the Friday night ( I was still in hospital) he asked if I had much planned for the weekend....

I didn't respond as didn't know what to say. I got out of hospital 2 days later ( the Sunday) and put a nice WhatsApp story up of enjoying London (where I had my op) ....he viewed it, I viewed his etc. then he text me a day later ( I was back home from my op) and made a comment about my what's app story and how good the weather has been, I explained it was in London ( it had been crap weekend at home that weather)

He asked if I was there for work and I said no just for fun.

Anyway texted for a few days and he then asked me to go to brunch that Saturday. I had to say no as I was still going to be off on sick leave for another week from work.

I did suggest the following weekend but he said he was away the following weekend and the weekend after that. I didn't respond as he didn't offer an alternative. He then text a few days later to see if I was enjoying the nice weather on the Sunday.....I didn't respond to that either.

He then text a week later ( after viewing a WhatsApp story I put up the night before about the weekend, I also viewed his) and asked how I was and what I got up to for the weekend. ( this was his third message in a row)

I said went out with a friend etc, general chat. One of his messages I thought wasn't that chatty so I didn't respond for over 2 days.

I then replied about a book we discussed. He mentioned some book he read as a teenager and I said 'that would have been a very long time ago you were a teenager would it not? Like the 1980'' s... ( I did sticky out tongue emojis to imply a joke) he responded with 'haha cheeky' ....he is over 14 years older than me which is why I made that joke!

He went away that weekend but was back during the week and I haven't heard a thing. So odd as I was used to him sending 3/4 messages in a row if I don't respond.

I just couldn't respond to some due to hospital etc.

I'm not sure whether to reach out or not! I'm wondering if he has finally gotten fed up with me being icy or if the whole him being keen was just a game.

I thought his 'haha cheeky' was a short, blunt response, and him ending things for good which doesn't make sense as only a few days before that he sent me the 3rd message in a row! ( as in he triple texted me, without me having responded yet! He did that a few weeks before that also.

Should I reach out?

I am hoping I will improve with dating communications it is just taking time!

Advice much appreciated

Sorry for the very very long post btw,

Hopefully that is somewhat clear 🥴🥴. Hopeful bump!

" I'm wondering if he has finally gotten fed up with me being icy"

I think this.

Yes, you've explained to US here on mumsnet why you're behaving the way you are but to him, who knows nothing of this, it looks like you're just stringing him along.

"Should I reach out?"

No.

@DatingDinosaur - why shouldn't I reach out?

@DatingDinosaur - I thought it would be good for once to show a bit of interest by me reaching out first!

Tbh I imagine he finally got sick of your appalling communication and game playing.

It doesn’t need to be anywhere near as complicated as you’re making it.

From the very first post you’ve been given excellent advice which you’ve chosen to disregard and carry on playing silly games so you really can’t say you wasn’t warned that you’d end up pissing him off. Leave the poor bloke alone to find someone who doesn’t give him so much grief.

Do you even like him,?

@SamW98 - I am just confused though because after the third message in a row they he sent me a few weeks ago...I did respond....then he replied. So if he is fed up I don't know why he replied to me! It's just confusing