Why am I hopeless at reading signals?

[WitheringTights000]

Hi all,

Dipped my toe into OLD in November, I'm 31.

Quite a few of my friends and family say I can come across as very aloof/disinterested. Both in person and over text towards dating prospects. Like I can seem as though I'm giving someone the brush off.

I matched with a guy a few months back and he asked me out over Xmas. I had to cancel, he asked me to re-arrange and also messaged me happy new year on New Year's Day,

I took five weeks to reply. Awful I know but I get nervous about dating and I'm very indecisive plus had family staying from Toronto for 3 weeks so was hectic. I messaged him to explain why January was hectic and that I would like to go out.

He actually replied only one hour later to say great to have family over from far off lands and okay fantastic let's get something planned, smiley face.

I replied back joking they had slightly outstayed their welcome and then to his message saying 'let's get something arranged' I said 'yes okay good'

That was 4 days ago and nothing. He read and didn't reply. So I guess I'm wondering if I should follow up and say 'sorry I didn't really finish my sentence, that should of said 'yes okay good let's get something organised'

I'm wondering now if he doesn't want to go out and sent that message back to me so he can be the one who does the ghosting!

Or if my message of 'yes okay good' didn't make sense or seemed disinterested?

I feel like other women would have no issue with interpreting any of this and knowing what to do but for me it's an issue!

Please advise if I should message again or just assume he is uninterested!

@Pinkbonbon - it's annoying as usually I would do office visits to that city on a bi monthly basis. However haven't been this year due to my boss being off sick, so I don't need to go!

When she is back I will need to. So I don't mind in that case going on a date when I'm in that city. But I wouldn't want to be the one always doing the running.

We lived 180 miles apart for the first 2 years………. We took it in turns to travel at weekends. Maybe you need to be clearer about what you’re looking for (and maybe not expect quite as much from them).

Op you sound like an absolute nightmare for this poor man. You a hard work that's for sure .

Well, I was going to message him tonight and ask him how he is etc

But he messaged me and asked how work has been this week....so I very promptly replied.

Obviously very glad he messaged!

I am genuinely happy to hear this update. Now please, don't be so fucking difficult! Nurture the relationship, because it takes both sides to do this.

@Aquamarine1029 - thank you very much, I realise from reading everyone's comments that I need to just wise up regarding dating 'games' etc, be myself and genuine and see what happens!

Updating this thread as I am hopeless.

The guy who I posted about end of Feb, very very keen after our first date. We both had a bad cold the following weekend, so didn't see each other. The following weekend I was busy the whole weekend. Then for the next 2 weeks I was in California.

He kept double texting me ( even when I was away in California) then texting me to ask if I had arrived home yet ( think he was looking at my tinder location as I arrived home a day earlier than I told him) and he text me not long after I got home.

Following weekend he was in London. I ignored a few of his messages as just haven't felt sure about him.

Then he asked to take me to dinner, we went last night. He paid. Then went for drinks. I bought him a drink but he bought the next one.

Impossible to get taxis from city centre now so had to walk back to his and call a taxi! I was only there 20 minutes. Plenty of snogging but nothing else. He thanked me for a lovely evening and asked me to let him know when I got home.

I didn't let him know but thought as he has been so keen he would have messaged to ask if I got home okay. He hasn't messaged. Should I write this one off? Or text him and let him know I got home okay?

Sorry for the long message but I'm hopeless with this and always get good advice from Mumsnetters

Just text him to say you had a nice night, and if you want to see him again, then suggest a date for your next meeting

Why is this all about him, and if he’s keen and what he might be feeling? The important thing here is how you’re feeling. You say you weren’t sure about him after the first date and didn’t reply to some messages, presumably as you weren’t particularly interested in seeing him again. Then (why?) you went on another date.

Are you saying you’ve changed your mind on the second date and now would like to see him again?

@Bobbotgegrinch - is it a bad sign though that he hasn't messaged?

@CheerfulBardo - yea I had a bit of a bad gut feeling but he was so persistent I pushed it away as he seemed to genuinely like me. Like him more after the 2nd date but now wish I hadn't gone as it's made me feel like crap that he hasn't texted me

So did you text him when you got him safe?

@SamW98 - no I didn't because I felt he should have messaged me

gosh, if never been more frustrated on here! you are hard work. so, you're not keen on the guy and yet, you expect him to chase you? why not simply finish it and allow him to find someone who will be willing to put equal effort into a relationship.

FFS you’re making this more complicated than it needs to be.

You texting ‘just got home thanks for a great evening’ would have taken 30 seconds and put a stop to this endless overthinking.

Is he supposed to guess what time you got home? All the way through your thread you’re giving him such mixed signals it’s frustrating to read. The poor sod doesn’t know if he’s coming or going with you

Again, focus on you. Don’t judge the importance or viability of something because of someone else’s response to it, especially when that person is someone you hardly know. Never push a ‘bad gut feeling’ away because someone else ‘really likes’ you. Why are you so unwilling or unable to prioritise your own feelings? Why go on a second date just because someone else wants to? Did you genuinely enjoy that date? Do you want to see him again? Why is the only important thing whether he wanted to see you again?

No, you said you were going to message him, and you didn't, so I imagine he's presuming you're not interested in a second date.

If you told him that you were going to text him, then the onus is on you to actually do that.

"I didn't let him know but thought as he has been so keen he would have messaged to ask if I got home okay. He hasn't messaged. Should I write this one off? Or text him and let him know I got home okay?"

FFS. Stop playing head-games with him. It's common manners and decency to let someone know you got home safe after a date. I've no idea what you're hoping to achieve by playing these stupid, childish, immature games with him. Unless old and lonely is your objective.

Hopefully you won't hear from him again. And then you can feel slighted and insulted and bitter. When in reality you got exactly what you wanted because of the signals YOU are giving out. He'll get sick of your game playing. Men have a shorter fuse for that sort of thing than women. Less forgiving and you'll be in the binned off pile in the 'nutter' category.

Always go with your gut. If you're not sure, leave it. However, you seem to expect something from him (effort, messaging first, being upfront) that you don't want to give. Even when he asked you to let him know you got home safely you didn't because you thought it was on him to message.

But why?

The thread title is misleading - you’re not hopeless at reading signals, it’s you giving out the message you’re really not bothered and expecting him to do all the work while giving nothing back.

Yes it’s great when a man pursues us and shows us he’s interested but it works both ways.

If I was him I’d think you either wasn’t interested or you were playing childish games and wasting my time.

This one is on you. He's only going to take so many knock backs. He sounds like he was really interested in you. He was trying g to build communication with you by texting and asking after you.

You arranged a second date, great. He asked for a text and you said you would but then didn't? How do you think he's going to take that?

A simple, "just home, thank you for tonight etc etc..." would have been enough.

He paid for dinner and drinks. Took you to his home and you didn't even thank him? And, to top it all off you expect him to text you first? To what purpose?

You've been incredibly rude and invalidated his feelings. He showed concern for you getting home.

I hope he doesn't contact you. He's better off without the games you're playing. He can do much better, just having someone show an ounce of consideration would be an improvement.

Why when he’s specifically asked you to let him know when you got home?

Tbh you’re either a game player or plain rude

OP, you’re an absolute head fuck. Do t be surprised if he never messages you again.

Just read back and seen last time he texted you to ask if you got home safe you left him on unread and didn’t bother replying until the next day and yet you still expect him to do the same again.
Leave this poor bloke alone to find someone who is prepared to put in a tiny bit of effort and stop dating until you are ready to act like an adult and stop playing stupid mind games