Why am I hopeless at reading signals?

[WitheringTights000]

Hi all,

Dipped my toe into OLD in November, I'm 31.

Quite a few of my friends and family say I can come across as very aloof/disinterested. Both in person and over text towards dating prospects. Like I can seem as though I'm giving someone the brush off.

I matched with a guy a few months back and he asked me out over Xmas. I had to cancel, he asked me to re-arrange and also messaged me happy new year on New Year's Day,

I took five weeks to reply. Awful I know but I get nervous about dating and I'm very indecisive plus had family staying from Toronto for 3 weeks so was hectic. I messaged him to explain why January was hectic and that I would like to go out.

He actually replied only one hour later to say great to have family over from far off lands and okay fantastic let's get something planned, smiley face.

I replied back joking they had slightly outstayed their welcome and then to his message saying 'let's get something arranged' I said 'yes okay good'

That was 4 days ago and nothing. He read and didn't reply. So I guess I'm wondering if I should follow up and say 'sorry I didn't really finish my sentence, that should of said 'yes okay good let's get something organised'

I'm wondering now if he doesn't want to go out and sent that message back to me so he can be the one who does the ghosting!

Or if my message of 'yes okay good' didn't make sense or seemed disinterested?

I feel like other women would have no issue with interpreting any of this and knowing what to do but for me it's an issue!

Please advise if I should message again or just assume he is uninterested!

Oh dear Lord. You really can’t see it, can you? I’m starting to think this is a wind up because surely nobody can be this dense.

It’s about the pattern of behaviour not just single incidents. You seem only able to see any incident in isolation.

@SamW98 - you seem to think I am only talking about one weekend. I am talking about two separate weekends.

Weekend one- discharged from hospital in London. Put up a photo, he saw it. I said I was there with friends and that I was home that night from London ( which I was)

Weekend two - he asked to see me the following weekend at home. I had come back the previous weekend, but I was still on bed rest ( couldn't tell him that though) , so I said I can't and immediately proposed the following weekend!

“House bricks with more empathy” 😂

No I don’t think that anything of the sort. I just think he’s finally realised you’re a waste of time.

Leave the poor bloke alone and stop playing stupid immature games. Jesus Christ it’s like trying to talk to a brick wall

Hopefully he’s realised you’re too much like hard work and moved on to someone who acts like an actual grown up.

Scream!!!! 😂

I mean this kindly, OP, but you really need to work on yourself. You’re not in any way ready to be in any kind of relationship if you’re so self focused that you can’t even understand that it doesn’t make any difference that it was two different weekends.

@SamW98 - I did however watch a WhatsApp story of his yesterday morning, so isn't that kind of showing interest?

Nope. It looks like you’re keeping him warm and on the carousel.

This can’t be real 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

I look at the stories of anyone I’ve got on WhatsApp - doesn’t mean I’m up for shagging them.

Its like dealing with a teenager not an adult

@SamW98 - it is real!!

@TheBossOfMe - god knows how many he has on the carousel. No man dates one woman at a time! Also he has never been married or engaged and is 46 in a few weeks

I need to go to bed because I’ve had enough of the OP and her silly games so God alone knows how the poor sod feels

It’s actually painful how self absorbed and oblivious she is.

That’s absolutely not true and if you think all men are running a carousel then you need to work on your self esteem as well as empathy. There are some really good men out there, you may have found one (because lord only knows he’s very patient and tolerant) and might be about to throw it all away. Think about that.

@SamW98 - this guy in particular I have just held back with a bit for various reasons.

He is 46 in a few weeks, never married, never engaged or lived with someone. Has had tinder for ten years and just 'hides' his profile when in a relationship....

@TheBossOfMe - read my latest post. Do you not think all of those things scream eternal bachelor?

Omg I thought I was an over thinker and hard work but I genuinely think in the most gentle way possble you may have something wrong with you. You are so intense, you don't seem to get any social cues and you literally do not reply to his messages. You sound a right princess with wanting him to triple txt etc.Have you thought about going on tablets for overthinking/anxiety? You are taking the piss with the whole thing.

I wouldn't like the hiding his profile when he's in a relationship. Sounds like he knows he will need it again in the future!

It's too early to know though. And I don't think the length of time it's been drawn out is helping you as you're analysing every last bit. It sounds impossible to get any real conversation going or rapport building with the big gaps in replying to messages/dates.

Are there any other men on there you like the look of or are messaging?

It doesn’t matter what I think. But if you think that’s true then why are you bothering?

It’s like banging a head On a brick wall. You ARE NOT ready to be dating. Honestly if one of my friends said he was texting someone who does what you do I’d be saying to block. This isn’t Normal. You have shitty answers and excuses for everything. Go get therapy and work out why you do what you do.

@Hibye23289 - yes I am a massive overthinker/very anxious. I am very anxious about physical health problems at the moment which I feel is triggering anxiety about other things such as this.

I have read some horror stories on hear of people being ghosted in dating so sometimes think, better to be the ghoster than the ghostee etc

Yes, absolutely. All men are commitment phobic, invest large efforts into making multiple women feel like they might be interested in a relationship, but it's all just a game to them. They never say what they mean. As a woman, it's imperative that you use telepathy and advanced semiology to get at the true meaning of anything they say or don't say, and never give anything about yourself away. The only way to develop a relationship with a man is by avoiding meaningful communication. Make assumptions instead.

Happy now?

Tbh, I find it hard to imagine you've managed one or two enjoyable conversations with this man, by text and in person. What did you do when he said something you "didn't know how to answer" - just sit there like a lump of stone, waiting for him to say something you felt you could answer?

I go right back to saying you need to work on your own self esteem. And I’ve been there. So I mean it kindly. I had a horrific marriage breakdown which left me with enormous trust issues. The best thing I ever did was step back and work on myself. Still work in progress but I’m in a relationship that, whilst not perfect, is very mutually supportive and understanding.

There are good men out there. But they also want women who don’t play games.

@ciaopizza- yes I really didn't like that and not sure why he even told me that! That he only 'hides' his profile when in a relationship.

Odd!

Yes I have been on dates with other men and have more lined up. I like this guy more than the others though. Quite a bit more.

Despite being an eternal bachelor he did seem very keen on me, though perhaps that was just an act.

@TheBossOfMe - it's not that I think it's true. He is turning 46 and has told me, never married, no kids, never engaged and never lives with someone. And that he just 'hides' his tinder profile.

But yes I do like him. And despite him telling me that still like him! Maybe it's an anxious attachment style....but yes I probably should explore with a therapist for self esteem etc,

Another point to make. Last time he saw me he complimented me on a lip gloss I have...and I told him in text I had since lost it....he said it's shame he will never have it on again ( he got it on him when we were kissing) and I said I have other colours that would suit him....I mean that's me flirting/showing interest!

Look, hiding your profile is just a sign of being a bit lazy because starting it up from scratch is dickache.

Not having been in a meaningful relationship maybe a bit more of a red flag - but sometimes people prioritise other things that mean it doesn’t happen. Is he successful in his career, has good friendships? If yes then maybe not such a red flag.

You’ll never know if you don’t engage properly though. I had a really horrible medical issue a few weeks after meeting my DP. I was absolutely terrified about telling him what had happened because it was embarrassing and humiliating but he needed to know why I wasn’t able to do much for a few weeks (and why I was off work). He treated me with absolutely dignity, respected my privacy and gave me so much love. Give him the chance to do the same for you. It might not go anywhere. But give him that chance if you think he’s worth it.