DH new outlook on life/sex

[TravellingWife]

DH works in the arts. I've always found him to be grounded and level headed despite working with people who definitely aren't. He has been prone to depression and for years he self harmed.
In November he worked away for three weeks with a friend of his who I would describe as a bit of a hippy. He's a nice bloke but has no kids, no long term partner and his own set of issues. I don't think he brings out the best in DH.
When DH arrived back from his trip he declared he had been talking to his friend and his friend had told him that he was going to stop wasting life trying to make others happy. And DH said he was going to do the same. He said he could see his life passing one day at a time and not getting what he wanted in life! This upset me as we have two kids and a pretty nice life with enough money/holidays ect.
So since Nov DH has been pretty much doing his own thing. Booking trips away without inviting us. Cooking food just for himself on occasions. Going boozing on the weekend. Not taking jobs when the money would be helpful as he doesn't fancy it. Spending a sizable amount on new tattoos and clothes.
Obviously this has caused friction but last night he told me that he wanted to be "more free with sex." He said he didn't want to become an old man and not have done the things he wanted to do because he married young. He even suggested at one point he wanted to get into voyeurism! DH has always been pretty vanilla and I would say shy in the bedroom. I asked him to leave and he slept at his mum's last night. He texted me this morning but I haven't replied.
I know it sounds silly but this isn't him. It's like a different person talking. I miss DH so much.

And a crisis is an excuse for the husband to fuck around and cheat?

@Thisistyresome

Interesting it took 16 comments before one recognised that these a mid life crisis is just that and best dealt with in a cooperative way rathe than conflict.

Well he's been shagging someone else it turns out, so the majority who suggests that would be the case were right.

He wasn't feeling very cooperative with OP when he chose to cheat.

@Thisistyresome had it been the case that the OPs husband was simply unhappy, thinking on opportunities lost and looking to rebalance I'd agree with you in terms of communication and compromise as a first approach.

As it is he broke his marriage vows. Instead of feeling awful and working to deserve his wife's live and respect he lied and then tried to retrospectively justify that betrayal (the freer sex comment).

We all have different lines in the sand, but sleeping with someone else is a fairly common one.

But also, cheating aside...
So he decided he has been missing out, what about OP?
At no pointn he came up to her and asked if she had been feeling the same. He decided he wil ldo whatever the fuck he wants, leaver her having to pick up the pieces. That is not just unhappiness, just being a dick.

This didn't age well at all, did it?

Not really.

The fact he cheated is separate from the attitude you take to someone having a crisis.

If your assumption is that every time someone has a crisis you should respond with hostility you will simply get more negative outcomes.

If she followed the advice and found out he had cheated she would be in the same place now, if he had not cheated then she would be in a better place than following the other advice.

If you always react as if someone has cheated in spite of whether they have or not you get more issues.

Ah, the irony

Sorry to hear about your reading comprehension issue. I hope it improves.

I think it's YOU who are struggling with reading comprehension, if anything. Which quite a few people pointed out. Unless you are OPs husband?

OK, lets try a little game. Search the page for "a crisis is an excuse for the husband to fuck around and cheat" and see if I said that.

I'll wait.

At the point OP knew he cheated then that was the time to act as if he had. Before that point you don't assume someone freaking out about their life has cheated.

Once that comes out you have plenty of time to respond accordingly.

If you act before you know that, and they haven't, all you have done is made the situation worse.

@TravellingWife, I am so so sorry. Grieve what happened, yes - the old DH, the one you loved and admired, it is as if he died. But also trust that your new life will be WONDERFUL. You can do it.

There was no crisis in this particular situation, and anyone with even a shred of intelligence or common sense could see right through this twat's blatant lies and gaslighting.

I'll save my compassion and understanding for those who deserve it.

@Thisistyresome I haven't suggested the OP did assume he was cheating? I can't see where she acted as though he did either.

From my reading of it, the man came back from a work trip saying he wanted to do more for himself and the OP gave him the time and space to see what that looked like. Unfortunately, it meant disengaging from family meals, going out drinking more, booking trips for himself whilst OP has the kids and passing up work where the extra income would have benefited the household. The OP picked up the slack until the man then said he wanted to be more sexually free including watching other couples have sex. At that point she's asked for space.

Tell me where she's treated him as though he cheated beforehand, and why 4 months of allowing him the space to put himself first is not reflective of a wife trying to consider her husband is going through a difficult time?

I hope you have heard of a word "paraphrase", if not you can look out up in a dictionary. Multiple people called out your pointless bs that had nothing to do with op story not updates, you made yourself looked like a sanctimonious idiot, time to go home, no?

He's not having a crisis though.

He just decided he was entitled to cheat and do what he wanted.

There was no more negative outcomes from the assumption of cheating here. And in fact if more people had told her to treat it like a 'crisis' he might have got away with what he was doing for a hell of a lot longer.

Why are some men so unbelievably predictable and so bitterly disappointing?

What a total cunt. I’m so sorry, OP.

My comment was not criticising the OP. I was addressing the advice others were giving.

Kids, money and holidays doesn't cut it for everyone in the end. Unfortunately he has realised this too late.

I would think about what it is you want from the relationship and balance that with what he can offer in the long term.

Maybe give him some time to come back to himself in case it is a temporary thing or phase but don’t stand for too much arsing around from him. You both deserve to be happy.

What a knob . Get yourself an appt at the STD clinic @TravellingWife as your first port of call .

@Thisistyresome well I can't say your position on advice from others seems particularly useful or relevant given the OP did allow her husband space to work things out for 4 months with no improvement, and in light of her updates yesterday. What value your message had for the OP I can't fathom, but its entirely up to you to post whatever you fancy.

Perhaps you should take your own advice. You will find paraphrase is not defined as "make up some nonsense you want to argue against."

But perhaps you have a special dictionary.

What she doesn't want is the cheat that he's turned out to be

This is just nonsense.

People do tend to assume their partner cheated because most of the time they have, You're basically tell people not to have a human response.

And most don't wait around assuming it's some kind of crisis and just 'wait' for the truth to come out, when the truth does come out it's often because the other person pushed for it.

And no people don't make it worse.

If someone decides to step back from family life and act as if they are single then
their partner will suspect that they cheated, the only reason that that would make it worse is if their partner is a complete arsehole and wants to gaslight them into thinking they're not allowed to question their behaviour at all.

@Thisistyresome, mate, what you were seeing there wasn't vicious bigotry, uncalled-for negativity, schadenfreude or whatever else you want to blame with your pretend "be kind" injunctions.

It was experience. Multiple voices of experience.

If you'd only pipe down a bit, you might learn something.