Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH new outlook on life/sex

373 replies

TravellingWife · 10/02/2024 08:41

DH works in the arts. I've always found him to be grounded and level headed despite working with people who definitely aren't. He has been prone to depression and for years he self harmed.
In November he worked away for three weeks with a friend of his who I would describe as a bit of a hippy. He's a nice bloke but has no kids, no long term partner and his own set of issues. I don't think he brings out the best in DH.
When DH arrived back from his trip he declared he had been talking to his friend and his friend had told him that he was going to stop wasting life trying to make others happy. And DH said he was going to do the same. He said he could see his life passing one day at a time and not getting what he wanted in life! This upset me as we have two kids and a pretty nice life with enough money/holidays ect.
So since Nov DH has been pretty much doing his own thing. Booking trips away without inviting us. Cooking food just for himself on occasions. Going boozing on the weekend. Not taking jobs when the money would be helpful as he doesn't fancy it. Spending a sizable amount on new tattoos and clothes.
Obviously this has caused friction but last night he told me that he wanted to be "more free with sex." He said he didn't want to become an old man and not have done the things he wanted to do because he married young. He even suggested at one point he wanted to get into voyeurism! DH has always been pretty vanilla and I would say shy in the bedroom. I asked him to leave and he slept at his mum's last night. He texted me this morning but I haven't replied.
I know it sounds silly but this isn't him. It's like a different person talking. I miss DH so much.

OP posts:
Allmychickenscometoroost · 11/02/2024 15:31

taylorswift1989 · 11/02/2024 14:17

Wow that's so frustrating! Wtf. Why would anyone think women do shopping and housework because it's their hobby? I think I would have either laughed in his face or exploded in fury. Fucking hell.

I agree, men like that are either too thick or too immature to actually be in relationships with, never mind have children with.

GoodbyeTV · 11/02/2024 16:00

I think my 'D'H genuinely thought me doing the food shop - chatting to friends, being silly with the kids, was my hobby not just making the best of a chore.
I have to say he was a terrible husband when the kids were small and as we've all got older he doesn't really prioritise me until recently when the kids are out the door and it's getting to a pre-kids dynamic. We still make each other laugh, appreciate each other as people rather than parents. We shouldn't have had kids together and I'm not sure it was always worth while sticking it out through all the heavy lifting. But the future is promising, mostly because we have that bond from our twenties.

Ruthietuthie · 11/02/2024 16:04

He's out for a new haircut, getting new tattoos. Soon he'll be upgrading his entire wardrobe including buying new underwear.
This isn't about "finding himself." This is about trying to be the partner of a new young woman who he is, almost definitely, already sleeping with.
Sorry, OP, it's all just so obvious.
His rewriting the script of your relationship is also a standard behavior for someone who wants to justify his cheating.

GospelOfThomas · 11/02/2024 16:29

IPlayMyGuitar · 11/02/2024 12:30

Lots of interesting points in this thread.
I remember when our kids were young, DH and i were planning the weekend, I listed all the jobs that needed doing - food shop, kids activities, things with both our parents. Half way through the weekend he had a major strop because we weren't doing any things he wanted to do. I then realised that he thought of all the chores as 'my' things. Doing the food shop was a choice I made because I enjoyed it, not because we had to eat. Running the kids round was my hobby, not a chore.
We had a fairly serious chat that afternoon. But I suspect many men see the household/ childcare jobs as women's hobbies, and they deserve equal time to do their own hobbies.

This is exactly the same as my friend I posted about up the thread- he assumed that his wife had started spending her weekends doing child-centred activities and chores because she'd suddenly become a lot duller, unlike him who was still young and interesting. I think many men have absolutely no idea how much of what women do is done for others.

kkloo · 11/02/2024 16:35

GospelOfThomas · 11/02/2024 16:29

This is exactly the same as my friend I posted about up the thread- he assumed that his wife had started spending her weekends doing child-centred activities and chores because she'd suddenly become a lot duller, unlike him who was still young and interesting. I think many men have absolutely no idea how much of what women do is done for others.

Sounds like willful ignorance and straight up playing dumb and misogyny to think that doing the food shop and taking care of the kids are womens fun hobbies.

I don't buy for a second that they genuinely believe that.

Reminds me of the men who get caught sending flirty or sexual messages to other women and who play dumb and say they didn't realise it was cheating.

LIES.

GospelOfThomas · 11/02/2024 16:46

kkloo · 11/02/2024 16:35

Sounds like willful ignorance and straight up playing dumb and misogyny to think that doing the food shop and taking care of the kids are womens fun hobbies.

I don't buy for a second that they genuinely believe that.

Reminds me of the men who get caught sending flirty or sexual messages to other women and who play dumb and say they didn't realise it was cheating.

LIES.

Not sure why you'd know better than I do about my friend or pp does about her own husband.

It's more serious than lies. It's a completely different mindset, a different way of seeing the world that assumes that, because you're looking after number one, everyone else must be as well.

kkloo · 11/02/2024 17:00

GospelOfThomas · 11/02/2024 16:46

Not sure why you'd know better than I do about my friend or pp does about her own husband.

It's more serious than lies. It's a completely different mindset, a different way of seeing the world that assumes that, because you're looking after number one, everyone else must be as well.

Yeah a misogynistic mindset where they deliberately play dumb.

I disagree that it's more serious than lies though, that kind of implies we have to teach them and be patient because they just don't know and need help understanding.

They're full of shit.

caringcarer · 11/02/2024 17:25

FictionalCharacter · 10/02/2024 08:50

He has to make a choice. You can’t just “do your own thing” and please yourself when you’re married with children. Either he stays and accepts that as a father he puts his children first, or he leaves, “does his own thing” and loses his wife and family life. He can’t have it both ways - he’s married or he’s single.

I think pretty much this. If he stays he works on his marriage and parents his children if he wants to be single he fucks off and you divorce him but he still has to parent his DC and financially provide for them.

RandomForest · 11/02/2024 17:47

*Yeah a misogynistic mindset where they deliberately play dumb.

I disagree that it's more serious than lies though, that kind of implies
we have to teach them and be patient because they just don't know and
need help understanding.

They're full of shit.*

I agree and there's whole packs of men like this running around pretending they're family men, avoiding family life, reasuring one another that their single pursuits are wholesome and conducive to a good marriage, with lonely and neglected wives taking all the burden of the family on themselves.

They know, but most of them spend they're time being validated by other like minded selfish arseholes.

When called out they feign ignorance.

Yes they are just liars.

TUCKINGFYP0 · 11/02/2024 23:30

IPlayMyGuitar · 11/02/2024 12:30

Lots of interesting points in this thread.
I remember when our kids were young, DH and i were planning the weekend, I listed all the jobs that needed doing - food shop, kids activities, things with both our parents. Half way through the weekend he had a major strop because we weren't doing any things he wanted to do. I then realised that he thought of all the chores as 'my' things. Doing the food shop was a choice I made because I enjoyed it, not because we had to eat. Running the kids round was my hobby, not a chore.
We had a fairly serious chat that afternoon. But I suspect many men see the household/ childcare jobs as women's hobbies, and they deserve equal time to do their own hobbies.

I had a similar thing once with my ex. He spent every evening after work and most weekend on himself and his hobbies, while I worked full time and did everything with the house and the kids. About one day every few months I’d manage to get him to come on a family day out with the kids
eg the beach or a farm park.

After one of these days out he exploded “ I’ve just wasted a whole day doing what YOU wanted, that might be your idea of fun but it’s not mine”.

He obviously believed that he was doing me a personal favour by spending about 6 days a year with his own children. And that my ideal day out was taking 4 small children to the aquarium or on a steam train.

You wont be surprised to know that after I divorced him he has continued to see his kids about 6 times a year - except now he’s cut it down to about 2 hours a time. Although he did manage a whole afternoon at Christmas 🎖️🏅🥇 #dadoftheyear

Gloriosaford · 12/02/2024 00:26

whole packs of men like this running around pretending they're family men, avoiding family life
I agree @RandomForest, but also I think women are increasingly seeing through them and swapping info about how best to deal with the various issues which are thrown up.

RandomForest · 12/02/2024 00:56

The cliched lists...

The failed footballers who have train god knows how many times a week and play full side and five aside all weekend.

The cyclists, many who are middle aged Stravaring round the country or other countries, usaully involves groups whereby atletic women attend.

The pub idiots, some skiving off early doors from work as their addition grows, to sometimes full on 24 hour stinters, waiting in the bookies next door until open hours.

The 'workaholic' who spend upto 14/15 hours a day at work yet their pay never increases but their circle of friends does.

The KISA's that are never home cause there's always someone to help other than their wife and kids.

The Gym bunnies, who become vile tempered if they do not attend as often as possible and are usually given a wide berth by the partner in case they erupt.

The gamblers who are constantly spending family cash and destroying anything built up in the family home, virtually living in the casinos.

The gamers who think they're at home but they're not.

The wheeler dealers, constantly networking, phones glued to their faces, havn't got the time of day to pat a dog let alone help with kids, usually property involved as they age.

Thousands more, but I think the ones that lie about doing it for the family are the worst, many of these things are the same things they would be doing if they were single. One thing in common is that they all really just need an unpaid housekeeper and childminder.

Having a true family man is something that many women will never see or experience.

TravellingWife · 12/02/2024 06:28

Well last night he admitted he did sleep with someone else. So that's my life fucked.

OP posts:
bluyonder · 12/02/2024 06:34

I'm so sorry
What an absolute d*
Are you at your mums ? Don't cover for him , take all the support you can get , yes it's going to be tough but you will get tougher once the shock has gone .

Seelowgr · 12/02/2024 06:46

Personally I would see it as that my current life coming to an end and a new one beginning.

Kick him out first and take it from there.

GoodbyeTV · 12/02/2024 07:06

Not fucked, just taking a different direction. Ultimately better and you will get through this awful bit.

You must feel emotional drained. Take care.

Nicole1111 · 12/02/2024 07:14

I know it’s hard to believe now but this could be a chance at having a much better life. In the mean time, while it doesn’t feel like that, be gentle with yourself, take all the support you can get, make him step up his responsibilities with the kids and explain he’ll likely have to change his job for childcare arrangements, see a solicitor and make lots of plans with your friends and family to give you things to look forward to.

taylorswift1989 · 12/02/2024 07:19

What an absolute wanker.

Tell people in real life, get lots of support. And start getting your ducks in a row.

I'm so sorry.

JaneAustensHeroine · 12/02/2024 07:20

I’m so sorry OP. It’s devastating. Please look after yourself. You don’t have to make any big decisions right now. Get support from your family and let them look after you for a bit. All this will take time to process.

Zonder · 12/02/2024 07:27

So sorry.

Better you know then you can do what you need to. Thinking of you.

PacketMixer · 12/02/2024 07:30

Sorry to hear that OP. It sounds like your instincts were always spot on and they will protect you in everything you decide to do going forward.

wellhello24 · 12/02/2024 07:39

TravellingWife · 12/02/2024 06:28

Well last night he admitted he did sleep with someone else. So that's my life fucked.

So sorry OP. I hope you throw the slimy twat out asap. You deserve so much better.

RandomForest · 12/02/2024 08:20

I'm so sorry op, you're going to miss him, the old version, it's like a death but it will get easier and you will become stronger.

Be kind to yourself and allow others to support you.

Don't rush anything, you're in control now.

Duh · 12/02/2024 08:31

I’m so sorry OP. What a selfish man.

Be prepared… He has already tried to blame you for his terrible actions before you even knew about them so please don’t be surprised if he turns even more nasty and paints a narrative of you being the worst partner and that you drove him away. They tell themselves (and anyone who will listen) these lies so they can live with themselves. Gutless.