DH new outlook on life/sex

[TravellingWife]

DH works in the arts. I've always found him to be grounded and level headed despite working with people who definitely aren't. He has been prone to depression and for years he self harmed.
In November he worked away for three weeks with a friend of his who I would describe as a bit of a hippy. He's a nice bloke but has no kids, no long term partner and his own set of issues. I don't think he brings out the best in DH.
When DH arrived back from his trip he declared he had been talking to his friend and his friend had told him that he was going to stop wasting life trying to make others happy. And DH said he was going to do the same. He said he could see his life passing one day at a time and not getting what he wanted in life! This upset me as we have two kids and a pretty nice life with enough money/holidays ect.
So since Nov DH has been pretty much doing his own thing. Booking trips away without inviting us. Cooking food just for himself on occasions. Going boozing on the weekend. Not taking jobs when the money would be helpful as he doesn't fancy it. Spending a sizable amount on new tattoos and clothes.
Obviously this has caused friction but last night he told me that he wanted to be "more free with sex." He said he didn't want to become an old man and not have done the things he wanted to do because he married young. He even suggested at one point he wanted to get into voyeurism! DH has always been pretty vanilla and I would say shy in the bedroom. I asked him to leave and he slept at his mum's last night. He texted me this morning but I haven't replied.
I know it sounds silly but this isn't him. It's like a different person talking. I miss DH so much.

Sending huge hugs OP

He's away from tomorrow with work isn't he?
Use this as a opportunity to get ducks in a row, take photographs of financial documentation with account numbers if possible, tax returns pension etc.

Your life isn't fucked though yes it's going to change but take time.

That's sad news Op but not unexpected, he'd changed so much, so quickly, there had to be more to it. Give yourself some breathing space, you don't have to deceide anything right now, you make the decision that's best for you and your DC when you're ready. Ignore any pressure from him, he's lost the right to ask you for anything

Sending love
You'll get through this.

Sorry to read your update, OP. 💐

I am so so sorry to read your update. What an absolute knob, but also a coward. He tried to spin it as a way to make you the bad one for leaving him trapped with two young children, whilst also trying to absolve his own conscience and hope that you would merely give him permission. In fact, he probably now wants brownie points for being truthful.

Obviously you will now need to kick him to the curb and send him back home to his mother's and get a solicitor lined up. Is there someone that can help you go through your finances and help in that respect? I am so so sorry that you and your children are going through this.

Xx

Oh shit, what a saddening update. Kick him out and get your life back together without him. Selfish prick.

Your life isn’t fucked.

But I am so sorry. What a twat! Wanting a pat on the back for not sleeping with someone, as though that’s not the bare minimum.

And then it turns out he lied about that anyway?

I am so so sorry.

The way this works out is you having a good relationship with your kids, a sense of relief that he's gone, while he has pot noodles in a sad, not very clean flat while he tries to lure 20-somethings on Tinder.

Fast forward a year and I'd bet good money that you're in a better place than him. Just hold tight and make sure you have people around to support you.

Sorry to hear that. Guess the early posters were correct.

At least you know it's over & this whole "needing a new phase" is just bullshit designed to catch you off guard & soften the blow while he planned his exit.

Good luck for the future

Agree with this. I’m gutted for you but relieved that you now have the truth.

This.

Plus, get yourself a copy of “Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life” (or listen to it on audible), get an std test (you can order them online), and book an appointment with a solicitor.

Sad how they’re all so bloody predictable. We’re all rooting for you @TravellingWife and sorry you’re going through this.

Definitely ducks in a row time. What a sad little loser he is, getting his mid-life crisis in early. This is devastating for you, but if you keep a cool head, you will come out of this stronger and better. Let yourself grieve for the relationship you thought you had, but also know that your life will be immeasurably better without him in it.

So sorry, OP. God, these men are depressingly predictable, aren't they?

I am so sorry to hear this, OP. You must feel like the solid bridge you were walking on just shook and crumbled in an earthquake.

I agree with the other posters, though, that within a year you will have found your footing and begun a new life. I second the suggestion of reading Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life and checking out Chumplady.com where you will find a lot of people going through the same thing. It is such a hard phase—don’t go it alone.

You sacrificed a lot—his work schedule put a lot of pressure on you—now you won’t have to work around him or factor him in.

@TravellingWife I would also add that what your husband has done is the very definition of gaslighting! He has distorted it round on you, don't let him going forward. Nobody made him be in a relationship from 19, Nobody frog marched him down a aisle with a knife to his back and nobody forced him into having children at 30 (which is a perfectly acceptable age btw).

Don't let him twist this around it's entirely his making and his choice to have done what he has. Hold your head high, get back into your house and go from there.
Speak to people in real life and know you haven't done anything wrong!

So sorry op, what an absolute cliche of a midlife crisis cheating wanker, blowing up his family. He’ll regret this.

love to you, keep posting for support.

I'm so angry on your behalf.

His behaviour has been disgusting so far, and agreed that there is a high risk he will just get nastier. I would end it all now, no question. Hang in there

Better yet, work to gather as much information as you can on finances etc before taking any action or telling him any final decisions.

What a pathetic loser.

Inform his parents of what he's done and that they will now have a permanent housemate to contend with.

So sorry to hear your update.
So tell him he has full responsibility for the kids for the next 2 weeks as you need to get away and deal with this. Fuck his job. If he says he can't, tell him he doesn't get a choice since he fucked someone else.
Take a break and give yourself the time. He can't expect to drop a bomb into your life and then fuck off leaving you to deal with everything and try and hold yourself together for the kids, all while he swans off to work again.
Take time off and fall apart as much as you like. He can deal with the kids. He caused it, its his mess, he can at least take 2 weeks off from being a selfish prick to allow you that time.

This is shitty of him but try and focus. He will quickly want to make his own arrangements, see this woman and then come to you as a nice safe woman. He will keep this going for as long as he likes, he's told you that, he will say he's not sure, he will make reference to your role as a mother and wife etc and it will keep you firmly in your place if you let him.

Do not fight for this man. He's arrogant enough to tell your future. It's you at home and him on high life.

If you don't want this, you need to act now. You set the terms you want and do it yourself without consulting him. You get a divorce in motion and he starts looking after the kids. You really need to think about what your life looks like without him; even if you are heartbroken because he's had months to get into this and you have no time to adapt. He will get what he wants by you doing nothing, he will grind you down and then you'll accept less and less.

Get a lawyer, get angry, and stop listening. Everything he's said to you since November is in his own interest. You need to act on your interest or get steamrollered by his selfishness.

Make it cost him. Right now, it's cost you to do what he wants. If you don't act for yourself, you and your children will be the loser.

Pack him off back to his parents and make sure they know the truth.

That he cheated and he lied.

It's horrible now but knowing the truth will give you heart and strength to take control over your life.

Interesting it took 16 comments before one recognised that these a mid life crisis is just that and best dealt with in a cooperative way rathe than conflict.

Shame that so few people come at the issue looking for a solution.

Shame that people post such critical and judgemental comments without reading the whole thread.

Even if you just read the Ops comments, you might avoid looking stupid.

That is a big update, sorry to hear that

Are you in a financial position to separate