DH new outlook on life/sex

[TravellingWife]

DH works in the arts. I've always found him to be grounded and level headed despite working with people who definitely aren't. He has been prone to depression and for years he self harmed.
In November he worked away for three weeks with a friend of his who I would describe as a bit of a hippy. He's a nice bloke but has no kids, no long term partner and his own set of issues. I don't think he brings out the best in DH.
When DH arrived back from his trip he declared he had been talking to his friend and his friend had told him that he was going to stop wasting life trying to make others happy. And DH said he was going to do the same. He said he could see his life passing one day at a time and not getting what he wanted in life! This upset me as we have two kids and a pretty nice life with enough money/holidays ect.
So since Nov DH has been pretty much doing his own thing. Booking trips away without inviting us. Cooking food just for himself on occasions. Going boozing on the weekend. Not taking jobs when the money would be helpful as he doesn't fancy it. Spending a sizable amount on new tattoos and clothes.
Obviously this has caused friction but last night he told me that he wanted to be "more free with sex." He said he didn't want to become an old man and not have done the things he wanted to do because he married young. He even suggested at one point he wanted to get into voyeurism! DH has always been pretty vanilla and I would say shy in the bedroom. I asked him to leave and he slept at his mum's last night. He texted me this morning but I haven't replied.
I know it sounds silly but this isn't him. It's like a different person talking. I miss DH so much.

He wasn't young when they had kids, he was 30 when the oldest was born, and 32 when the second was born so the kids are still very young and he's already over it and thinks he should be allowed to go and do whatever he wants.

I don't think the concept of "not trying to make others happy" extends to one's own spouse and kids. If he wants a life only about himself, then let him have it. The one foot in, one foot out arrangement wouldn't work for me.

Good grief. He has totally misunderstood that being your true self does not mean doing whatever you want and to hell with everyone else. It's so cringe and his friend is a gigantic twat.

Relationships are everything and he is fast destroying his. I'm so sorry. He really has no right to make decisions that affect you without involving you.

Is he able to listen at all? If not, it sounds like it's time for separation.

My thought too ... heads been turned.

He has simply been influenced by Hippy Friend’s seemingly ‘free’ life. Grass is greener. Devastating for you.

He has serious choices to make. As other posters have said it might be possible for you both to do things towards your life goals - solo travel for example - but the opportunities have to apply to both of you and he can’t opt out of basic responsibilities.

Chances are he will regret this episode in time when he realises behaving as though he is single is not as exciting as he thought. It may burn itself out but, while you are married, some boundaries need to be set around his behaviour - for example, how much money is his to spend on tattoos / boozing, how you communicate with each other about your whereabouts and where the limits are with regards to having other partners or being away from home.

Set your own boundaries on what you will tolerate OP and communicate them clearly to him. Know where your limits are and don’t be scared of letting him know exactly what you will not accept. And stick to it.

I’m sorry you are in this situation. It’s horrible for you. But you do have power to know and say what you want and need.

Look after yourself. Self-care is important at times like this when the rug is being pulled from under you.

I know it sounds silly but this isn't him. It's like a different person talking.

It’s exactly who he is. The ‘he’s hanging with the wrong crowd’ narrative that you are using to explain away his shitty behaviour keeps you hoping. This man clearly wants the freedom to be single but not the responsibility of being single (being solely responsible for day to day living). Time to show this man the door, if he wants to regress to his teen years then let him do that on his time.

I've recently been reading about midlife crises, the drive for self-actualisation in later life etc- mainly with a Jungian approach. I'd recommend a book called The Middle Passage in particular. But a few things came to mind based on what OP's DH is doing-

• There's nothing wrong with examining your life and wanting to make changes to live in a way that is more fully yourself.
• There's nothing wrong with talking to your spouse about this- in fact, that's a good thing.
• BUT in a marriage both partners are equally entitled to pursue this course. You shouldn't follow your own path in a way which hinders other people from following theirs.
• In heterosexual marriage, men need to be mindful of the fact that women are socialised to take care of the needs of others (and maybe biologically driven to be more mindful of the needs of children- obviously this is more controversial). It's too easy to think, "well I'm doing my thing and she is free to do her thing" when in fact she is in many ways far less free to do so.

The last point struck me recently in relation to friends who have split up - the husband had an absolutely gob-smacking lack of awareness of the fact that his wife wasn't actually just doing what she wanted eg "Jane used to be loads of fun but since we've had kids she just wants to spend the weekend going to the park and doing laundry- she's changed".

I think you need to talk to him about it all- not like some of the suggestions on here just to act like he has done but rather to make clear to him the effect of his behaviour on the rest of you and to work together towards an agreed end point- whether that is staying married and making those adjustments which will make you both happier or separating.

*The last point struck me recently in relation to friends who have split
up - the husband had an absolutely gob-smacking lack of awareness of the
fact that his wife wasn't actually just doing what she wanted eg "Jane
used to be loads of fun but since we've had kids she just wants to spend
the weekend going to the park and doing laundry- she's changed". *

I doubt your male friends didn't understand how having children changes things, even children themselves know their mothers can't play all the time.

I would say you've just got some incredibly selfish friends who like lying to get what they want.

Ask him what kind of a role model is he being for his children? “Look kids- be a selfish prick and put yourself first every singletime in life- fuck everyone else!! You are the only one that matters fuck family fuck wife fuck kids-just do you! Be a total cunt like me!!”

That's because it's a common thought pattern in men who want to justify a surge of self-righteous selfishness. They can hardly say: darling, I have decided to become an utter wanker and rate your needs and the needs of our children far lower than the needs of my penis and my random spending whims. Can you shoulder my familial responsibilities while I twat around in an ego-driven state of emotional immaturity until I decide otherwise?'

So they have to say: YOLO! I have been a martyr to your needs. It's time to find myself before it's all too late!!!!

I know someone whose husband has said and done similar recently and she's not one of the many posters here in a similar position unless she has massively disguised the details.

Having read through all this post I hesitated before replying because I didn't want to highjack . I'm further along this path and it isn't easy .
My husband started a new job on first day of lockdown . I was stay at home mum with our two young children . He worked long hours on teams while I home schooled , helped my elderly parents and everything else . I remember it as emotional but I coped . My husband was terrified of losing our only income and this job , which was a dream job with some opportunities to travel became a sat at makeshift desk in front room at home all the time desk .

Thinking back to when we met it had all the negatives that have been mentioned . He was 19 but had left home at 17 and moved away . We became friends before we started a relationship . I was 28 with my own home , career and a decade of fun behind me .
When we got together him 21 me 32 we talked about the family we wanted and for 7 years we travelled together , he partied and holidayed with friends his own age , I was more career driven and he was free to do what he wanted . At age 41 our first darling daughter was born . She was planned and he became a father aged 28 . He was brilliant and our next child was born in 2014 . His career took off , I reduced my hours to become main parent while he sometimes worked away . I gave up work then lockdown . So full circle ( sorry about so much detail )

I was in a similar situation, my husband earning good money started to "treat " himself 2 years ago . Expensive clothes , extended active holidays for himself . While I couldn't join him because of young children and a back problem .

I asked him if he wanted a divorce , he said no , but he does want "adventure"
He pays all the bills , I have an allowance and the children don't go without . Yes I have the grind of parenting but when he's home he is fair and a good parent .
It rocked our marriage for a time but I can see he is tiring already of these adventures as he is not a young man ( he is 41 ) but not old either .

He is currently in Brazil and texting that he misses us and doesn't like it much . It's too hot and not safe .

We talked when his "midlife" crisis hit about what we both needed . I needed financial security for me and children and a father / husband I trusted . He needed a change of scenery sometimes

He was never wanting sexual experiences with others that's for sure . I wouldn't accept that

My point is tell him not to be unfair to children or cruel to you
Does he want to separate?
Let him go , it's up to you if you want him back

It's horrible when this happens but it can be worked through if you both communicate and are fair ( and not a t**t )

Hope you find a solution

“He was never wanting sexual experiences with others that's for sure”

im sorry to say but I think this is astonishingly naive. He’s a man isn’t he. He’ll have been sewing his wild oats all over the place and of course not telling you. Come on.

Totally disagree
He travels alone or with his brother , he has family worldwide who he visits and stays with them . He doesn't do party holidays , he does walking , climbing , adventure holidays .

Bluyonder you’re very trusting. I wouldn’t be settling for this, especially with young kids.

How very convenient for this man. I can really see why women say no kids these days if this is what happens.

.

With your latest update OP, it sounds like he’s subtly blackmailing you: “let me engage in these sordid extra-marital interests of mine with your blessing, or else I’ll cave in to the ‘temptations all around me’ at work”

Disingenuous twat. Can’t even cheat on you without making it all your fault. Twat.

Lots of interesting points in this thread.
I remember when our kids were young, DH and i were planning the weekend, I listed all the jobs that needed doing - food shop, kids activities, things with both our parents. Half way through the weekend he had a major strop because we weren't doing any things he wanted to do. I then realised that he thought of all the chores as 'my' things. Doing the food shop was a choice I made because I enjoyed it, not because we had to eat. Running the kids round was my hobby, not a chore.
We had a fairly serious chat that afternoon. But I suspect many men see the household/ childcare jobs as women's hobbies, and they deserve equal time to do their own hobbies.

When you love someone there is no temptation

I need to read the whole thread properly and will but quickly looking over it I would be looking to end marriage as it sounds like he is dissatisfied with life and has become very selfish minded but there is no thought for your/or your childrens feelings? If spending time with others is more important than the time he could spend with you and your children let him go. Very very sad but his loss 💔
I feel for you. Dont accept less than what you deserve and you certainly don't deserve this.....

It will be so hard for you but he is not the person he used to be.

Just big hugs. He started an avalanche bery casually and now it is gaining soeed. I’m so sorry!

I have now read whole thread and don't get a good feeling about this.
Hope you are ok?
If he is thinking like this now what's he going be like in ten or twenty years time. He is just thinking of himself.
Very selfish person.
Sending you hugs and strength.

Wow that's so frustrating! Wtf. Why would anyone think women do shopping and housework because it's their hobby? I think I would have either laughed in his face or exploded in fury. Fucking hell.

I feel for all parties in situations like this. I think the problem is expectations about life long intimate relationships.

I think it is an unreasonable expectation to commit to 'death til us part'. If two parties enter in to this, I think that they should agree to this covering the possibility of the relationship becoming platonic. Otherwise, consent willingly given is compromised.

I think it should be r or red that over time, many people will fall out of love and/or grow to want dodgy things. Life is short and I think it's very sad that people's happiness is compromised because of ideas they they and others hold about sticking with relationships when either party would prefer to end it. I think when you have children, commitment to the partnership up until the children are adults should be made, but that is time limited.

As someone who has been 'left' as well as being the leaver, I found both situations equally sad and difficult.