Husband never leaves the house , I can't take it anymore

[Longingforsummer583]

My husband is has sufferered from depression for a year now , he has reduced his life to zero over the past few years. I understand that this is not all within his control, it's the depression. But he's always been a homebody before this. He is well on the way to recovery now and I've spoken to him about it and he is very happy to stay at home 7 days a week, potter around, watch youtube, and occasionally do some gardening in the summer . He no longer works , doesn't see any family and doesn't have any friends . Will come on the occasional day out with us .
I used to be a sahm and I didn't need to return to work for the money, we are very lucky in that respect. Last year I went back to work full time as I needed to get out of the house myself and away from him.
As you can imagine being together 24/7 feels like a prison sentence and small things in the home get blown out of proportion as nothing else to focus on.
Since I've gone back to work it's really helped me mentally, I'm socialising and getting myself more of a life away from home . Our kids are older now so don't need us so much.
Husband is still doing exactly the same thing and loves it . Great for him. I have the ability to work from home two days a week. I thought this would be a fantastic way of working. In reality it's not , because he is there. All our old problems come flooding back on those days. We've just had another huge argument whilst I was on my 30 minute lunch break. I've now got to work for the next 4 hours feeling frazzled and upset .
Any time I want a day off from work, he will always be there. Like i say he is in this house 24 hours a day. So I can NEVER be alone. Unfortunately for me , if I don't get alone time my mental health starts to suffer .
How we can we move forward living in this way which we both aren't compatible with? I don't want to be at home all the time, he never wants to go out. I would like alone time in my home occasionally, I can't because he never goes out. I now dislike being in my own home and feel like I want to go out all the time. Winter is the worst as we are all trapped indoors

You need to talk to him and tell him to go somewhere! Why is his mental health less important than yours? Everyone needs time alone.

I'm exactly the same as your husband :(

Have you said to him you NEED alone time in the house on a regular basis? What does he say?

Has he ever spoken to a doctor about this depression?

Is he solely reliant on you financially?

I have the ability to work from home two days a week. I thought this would be a fantastic way of working. In reality it's not

Given that you went out to work for a change of scenery (and the MH benefits of that), I would scrap the wfh and go back into work.

I have a housebound relative but I don't feel I can't be myself at home, we just do our own things if I need some alone time - is he following you round the house?

Yes he has had treatment and sees a mental health nurse . His mental health trumps everyone else's as his is more severe is his point of view.
He has nowhere to go if he goes out. He has never gone out "just for the sake of it ", its always had to have a reason, for example collecting something from b&q.

We never ever do anything nice together as couple, like a meal or cinema. When we see family he stays at home.

You need to go into work, it will be better for your mental health.

I would do this but the whole office works from home those days. If I went in there would be no-one there and they don't really want us doing that as they close the office off to save on electric etc

Do you want to stay with him OP? It doesn't sound like he gives much to your marriage.

I keep fantasising about living alone. I've even said it to him. But how can I split the family up just because I want an hour to myself occasionally? He never stops me from going out, i can do whatever I want, but it's just he's ALWAYS there. It wouldn't be so mad if it was pleasant to be at home but to just see him sitting watching TV all day and night drags me down

Talk to him about getting a dog op!

One that needs a lot of walking. If you think he can be relied on to take full responsibility for it that is.

I’m not a HCP but a lot of studies are now saying that depression and Alzheimer’s are exacerbated by lack of exercise. Your dh’s physical and mental health will improve immensely if he has to walk
a dog twice a day.

For goodness sake, you clearly don't like the man or his company. Its time for you both to separate. You actually dislike being with him so much you got a full time job just to get away from him.. What on earth do you think retirement will be like?

You need to split up and start a new life with a home you can actually bear to be in as he is not there.

For now, is there a room/space in the house to make your own so that you have an area to escape to alone?

It’s hard to live with someone with long term depression. It’s almost catching, I feel.
And you would not be splitting the family up for the odd hour to yourself, it would be for your own mental well being I think.

Could you work from a friend or family member's empty house on your WFH days? I'd be absolutely fine if someone close asked me if they could do that.

Presumably op if you used to be a sahm then your dh worked outside of the home for years?

Would he considering taking on a volunteering role once or twice a week?

Sounds difficult. What was the row about?

Is there an option to build a room in the garden? A woman cave so to speak. Both my DH and I work from home and I would kill small puppies for a garden office but alas no space. It is incredibly annoying, especially when they insist on talking when you just want a 20 mins MN break to zen out.

You wouldn't be splitting just because you want an hour or two alone though. You'd be splitting because you're incompatible and don't enjoy his company.

My DH and I have our issues for sure but I'm always comfortable that he's in the house, I have a lot of time out and about away from him but when he's out at the office and I'm at home I miss him. I would say that shows that he just isn't right for you any more?

It does sound like you need to really think about whether you want to stay married. It doesn't sound like he brings anything positive to your life at all, and you are spending an awful lot of time and energy trying to avoid him. That is no way for either of you to live.

Even if you love/like the persons you live with, most people like to have the house/apartment to themselves sometimes.

A bit harsh when op says she only wants an hour or two at home alone occasionally which is entirely reasonable.

You can’t just leave your house forever. At some stage you will retire, and he will still be at home 24/7.

Is he literally inside the walls all day and night? What about gardening, could he establish a routine of working on a veg patch for a few hours a day? There are plenty of youtube videos for him to watch about the subject.

But ultimately, you accommodating him is at a cost to yourself. You cannot change him.

If money really isn’t a concern and you want to remain married, maybe having 2 separate smaller houses would work.

There are communal office spaces where you can hire a desk by the day instead of wfh two days a week. I appreciate that it might be annoying to have to pay to go to work, but they're not expensive and it might be worth it.

Have you considered a small camper van? You could get one with solar panels so you could park it pretty much anywhere and still have heating, have a cup of tea, read a book...

But personally I couldn't live like that or envisage a retirement like that. I'd take some time to build support networks and get things organised, and then I'd separate.

This.

Life is too short.