Husband never leaves the house , I can't take it anymore

[Longingforsummer583]

My husband is has sufferered from depression for a year now , he has reduced his life to zero over the past few years. I understand that this is not all within his control, it's the depression. But he's always been a homebody before this. He is well on the way to recovery now and I've spoken to him about it and he is very happy to stay at home 7 days a week, potter around, watch youtube, and occasionally do some gardening in the summer . He no longer works , doesn't see any family and doesn't have any friends . Will come on the occasional day out with us .
I used to be a sahm and I didn't need to return to work for the money, we are very lucky in that respect. Last year I went back to work full time as I needed to get out of the house myself and away from him.
As you can imagine being together 24/7 feels like a prison sentence and small things in the home get blown out of proportion as nothing else to focus on.
Since I've gone back to work it's really helped me mentally, I'm socialising and getting myself more of a life away from home . Our kids are older now so don't need us so much.
Husband is still doing exactly the same thing and loves it . Great for him. I have the ability to work from home two days a week. I thought this would be a fantastic way of working. In reality it's not , because he is there. All our old problems come flooding back on those days. We've just had another huge argument whilst I was on my 30 minute lunch break. I've now got to work for the next 4 hours feeling frazzled and upset .
Any time I want a day off from work, he will always be there. Like i say he is in this house 24 hours a day. So I can NEVER be alone. Unfortunately for me , if I don't get alone time my mental health starts to suffer .
How we can we move forward living in this way which we both aren't compatible with? I don't want to be at home all the time, he never wants to go out. I would like alone time in my home occasionally, I can't because he never goes out. I now dislike being in my own home and feel like I want to go out all the time. Winter is the worst as we are all trapped indoors

This would drive me nuts.
Can't he get a part time job outside the home, that would do his MH the world of good, people need to be busy and have some routine/ purpose. It must feel like your living with an OAP.
I live happily on my own, but did have a partner years ago who was very fond of sitting around watching the tv. I don't even have a tv now and don't miss it, he put me totally off it having the bloody thing blaring away day and night. House is lovely and quiet now.

Is it really just about wanting the odd hour alone, though? Or is that merely the scenario whereby you're forced to confront your feelings about the wider situation?

I would contact your local carer's centre and see if there have any support groups/counselling they could offer - it sounds like you need some space to work out how this is really affecting you (it's probably more stressful than you realise) and what you really want to do, as the current situation doesn't seem sustainable in the long term.

I would end the marriage. This is him now for the rest of his life. He is a drain. He may be medically unwell but he has also got himself into a comfortable rut. It's not a marriage of two equals. You are out in the world engaging with life. He is sat at home looking at 4 walls and being okay with that. Life is short. Tell him to get a bed sit, he will probably be just as happy.

Of course he's depressed because he won't go anywhere!

In answer to some questions:
We already have a dog, he doesn't take it out. That's my job or one of the kids.
I only earn minimum wage so can't afford to rent any officespace. I am trying to think of somewhere else I could go. I'm hoping I can sit out in the garden to work when it warms up. He will still be indoors watching TV.
Argument today was about me coming downstairs and commenting he hadn't moved all day from watching TV.

Above all i am concerned for him. It's no way to live. He has no life. He says he loves it that way. If he loved it so much why did he become depressed? It drags me down so much. I focus on the kids to get me through day to day but they won't live with us forever and I think it will get even worse then

I would say he's not 'well on the way to recovery' if he's decided his life is staying at home 24/7, not working and not trying to do anything else. He's either still pretty unwell, or he's using it as an excuse.
My DH, who also has depression, would do this if he wasn't pushed to do other stuff, for example take DS to his clubs when I'm working, or go to the shop when I ask him to. Who does all the extra jobs like shopping that involve leaving the house? Much as you'd like to escape, maybe delegate these to him to get the place to yourself for a change. If he refuses the issue is bigger than either of you realise.
Whatever way he wants to look at it, it's damaging his marriage so it needs to change before you leave the house permanently.

Why can't he work from home and at least provide some kind of an income?

He's lazy and complacent now even if he was depressed before there is no excuse for him now.

Could he maybe get an allotment spot?

Or help him try and find a hobby where he's out of the house a little?

He's stuck in his comfort zone and it's made him selfish. He can't be getting any exercise unless he does home workouts?

Show him this thread. Or just have it out with him. Involve his family for support if needed.

I fully sympathise and understand your position. Even if you got him say going to the library once a week, doing something with or for kids, he'd be back home before you know it. Can you suggest that at least the two days you are home working that he doesn't speak to you on your lunch break - least you won't have a row before having to work all afternoon. Have you any space at home you could do up and make either yourself or him a den- maybe a garden room.

<Edited to remove mention of office pod at bottom of garden as op has addressed that in an update. >

Alternatively get him to the gp and get him some information on social prescribing. They sometimes have resources about local projects which encourage socialising but they may be for isolated elderly people not sure?

Volunteering for a charity?

What is he interested in? Local classes or joining a choir? Bicycling club? Gym? Swimming?

I think you need to encourage him on the lines of keeping his depression at bay, getting more physically fit, spending more time outdoors, and expanding his social
circle in case god forbid something happens to you.

Or could you just give him a list of errands out of the house that he does on certain days? Like hair cut, supermarket, dry cleaning, lunch out, DIY shop, recycling etc.

I was on the fence until I read about the dog. Who does the house work? Are you still a team? Depression is hard but you have to still be pulling in the same direction.

You are incompatible and it's not going to get any better, I would be selling the house and getting separate places.

He's put alot of weight on due to his inactivity.
He won't work anymore, he is on benefits now due to his mental health so theres no incentive to go back to work. To be perfectly honest I don't see how he could anyway as he has lost all of his social skills through this .
I do majority of the stuff through choice
. He will do it if i ask him, such as go to the shop, but that's only for about 30 minutes so not long enough to give me a break and then he's straight back. He also hates every minute that he's out .
He maybe leaves the house for 1 hour a week tops . But that will be on a day I'm not here

Why should op have to do this, he's not a child.

It's not equal, you are allowed to leave the marriage.

He's depressed because he doesn't do anything and he doesn't do anything because he is depressed

It can't be good for his mental health, either, to have no social contact. Why does he have no friends? Has he always had no friends? Never been interested in anything outside the home?

PPs have made some good suggestions: build a garden office, get a dog so he has to walk it (also leads to social interaction as dog owners often chat in the park), encourage him to do voluntary work or get a part-time job. I would add, how about an adult education class? (maybe garden related).

The OP shouldn't have to find ways to stay out of the house to accommodate her husband!

OP - your husband should be doing it for the children. It must be affecting them seeing him slouched on the sofa every day. He must make them feel they are worthy of his time and attention by at least taking them out for pizza or to theme park.

This is like some kind of weird psychological torture. I would go absolutely insane in these circumstances, how dare he think he can monopolise the home like that?!

Who would even tolerate a situation where their partner sat on the sofa all day? To actually like it is even more of an ask!

So if you say to him 'I'm really struggling mentally because of you being here constantly, because I would like some time alone on our own house'
How does he actually respond?
Or 'I really don't want to be in a relationship where we never go on dates together'
Or 'I'm really not happy with the fact you won't come anywhere with the kids, it's important we do things as a family consistently, it's important to me'
Just trying to understand what his logic is, or if he says 'but my mental health is bad' and you respond 'but your mental health cannot always trump everyone else's needs' what does he say?

Does he try and spend quality time with you and the kids in his own way?

Sympathy. In the whole last two years of my husband's life, I had 20 minutes at home on my own that I knew was going to happen beforehand. I needed time alone so badly that I had to avoid thinking about it or I got quite desperate.

In the short term, get some really good noise-cancelling headphones.

In the longer term, it's hard to tell. He has found a small island of 'feeling ok' whereby if he is gently distracted by the TV, his thoughts feel all right and he can cope. I think it does suggest that his recovery is in the early stages tbh. Does his team have any other options to suggest- does he have a community psychiatric nurse? Locally here there are eg art workshops run by Crisis Skylight, plus there's a Recovery College which has a whole programme people go through. I'd contact Mind for ideas.

He will come out with us in school holidays so he can do it if he pushes himself. Trouble is I don't really want him there at that point as I'm I'm desperate for a break from him that I don't enjoy myself either!!
He has no friends or work acquaintances left because he stopped responding to them all until they gave up. He didn't attend his best friends fathers funeral, he's not spoken to him since . People just think he's rude and miserable.
There is no point suggesting hobbies to him or volunteering etc because he doesn't want to do it . That would be his worst nightmare. He just wants to be here at home but without me nagging on at him.
When I speak to him about it , his response is that I hurt is feelings by saying I don't want to be around him all the time and it pushes him away from me !!!

I dont understand how you're fortunate you don't have to work for the money and yet you're on minimum wage and he's on benefits.

Surely he should get a job, you can't live on benefits forever.

How do you manage the financial aspect of the whole thing op? How is it affordable for you both ?