Husband never leaves the house , I can't take it anymore

[Longingforsummer583]

My husband is has sufferered from depression for a year now , he has reduced his life to zero over the past few years. I understand that this is not all within his control, it's the depression. But he's always been a homebody before this. He is well on the way to recovery now and I've spoken to him about it and he is very happy to stay at home 7 days a week, potter around, watch youtube, and occasionally do some gardening in the summer . He no longer works , doesn't see any family and doesn't have any friends . Will come on the occasional day out with us .
I used to be a sahm and I didn't need to return to work for the money, we are very lucky in that respect. Last year I went back to work full time as I needed to get out of the house myself and away from him.
As you can imagine being together 24/7 feels like a prison sentence and small things in the home get blown out of proportion as nothing else to focus on.
Since I've gone back to work it's really helped me mentally, I'm socialising and getting myself more of a life away from home . Our kids are older now so don't need us so much.
Husband is still doing exactly the same thing and loves it . Great for him. I have the ability to work from home two days a week. I thought this would be a fantastic way of working. In reality it's not , because he is there. All our old problems come flooding back on those days. We've just had another huge argument whilst I was on my 30 minute lunch break. I've now got to work for the next 4 hours feeling frazzled and upset .
Any time I want a day off from work, he will always be there. Like i say he is in this house 24 hours a day. So I can NEVER be alone. Unfortunately for me , if I don't get alone time my mental health starts to suffer .
How we can we move forward living in this way which we both aren't compatible with? I don't want to be at home all the time, he never wants to go out. I would like alone time in my home occasionally, I can't because he never goes out. I now dislike being in my own home and feel like I want to go out all the time. Winter is the worst as we are all trapped indoors

He had a very well paying job before hand and we recieved inheritance so we don't have a mortgage.
My wage and his benefits tide us over each month now and we have savings but they obviously won't last forever . He won't even talk about working in the future , just blocks the conversation

Yes, this is what I was wondering too.

There is no choice here but for you to separate OP. It seems like he'll be happy so long as he has a TV to watch all day and then you can actually live your life, which you're clearly not able to do right now.

Really tough situation - I like the house to myself at times - DH often around and just doesn't get that having house to myself is nothing against him, just a time totally alone!
Also grew up with a Dad who suffered from depression but he went out to work because there was no choice financially.....
Your DH needs some more help, sounds like he is in a vicious circle......he should be taking the dog out everyday. Even a short walk makes a difference.
His MH should not be trumping everybody elses needs.
Good luck!

What ages are you both OP? And your children?

Argument today was about me coming downstairs and commenting he hadn't moved all day from watching TV.

Ok, so it sounds like he's happy with his current situation and this has come as a bit of a surprise to you (which is completely understandable).

He seems to be indicating to you that he doesn't want to change, so I think you need to ask yourself if you're happy to stay with him if he's going to stay the way he is forever or if you were waiting for things to go back to how they used to be.

You mentioned in your OP that he is recovering, but it seems that perhaps you and he have very different ideas as to what your shared life post-recovery will look like.

Can you speak to his MH nurse or doctor?

I agree op really shouldn’t have to do it but his life has obviously been devastated by depression. He needs more help.

Op has said he hates every moment he is out so maybe he has untreated anxiety too?

Op if he can’t function normally outside of the home then he needs more help with his mh. Anxiety and depression can be treated, not in everyone, but in a lot of people.

I feel suffocated just reading this thread.

You have my sympathy. He is being selfish.

Out of curiosity, what is the timeline of this? Did the depression start before or after the inheritance?

How old are the kids and does he enjoy their company at all? If they had eg an important football match, would he go along?

@HumerusandClavickle i'm afraid I'm wondering the opposite to you - which is, is he really depressed OP?

I have been in ongoing treatment for this for 20+ years. I've only just stopped because of so many issues with meds.

I realise many people are genuinely unable to do anything work wise or task wise - but OP says he loves living like this. I think many people would choose this kind of life.

I had to be medicated a lot to work and function in daily life. I have posted in the MH board about trying to get my work standards back up to scratch after stopping meds.

I don't have anyone doing stuff for me, never have - except a very short period last year when I had a breakdown and my then boyfriend helped me with food and cleaning. I have mostly been single my whole life.

I used to have a flatmate who never left the sofa if she wasn't at work. This sounds similar.

OP initially you say you don't need to work for the money but then you say you can't cover hiring a desk a couple of days a week. Lots of contradictions here.

Many people became happy with the life your husband lives, post lockdown especially. It all leads me to wonder if he's genuinely ill.

I'm one of those who keeps the condition private and on the rare occasion I have to disclose it, people are surprised. I understand how many facets there are with depression and anxiety, and how close many of us are to the cliff edge every damn day of our lives, in spite of the facade.

so I can't help wondering if he really is clinically depressed, especially as you say he's happy with the life he lives.

This has been coming on for the last 10 years I'd say so a long time. There seems to have been something underlying that he was able to control and lead a normal life, covid came and he changed to working from home all the time and that's when this started . I'd almost call it agoraphobia. His mum is very similar. She hardly goes out. There's definitely a genetic component.
I feel for him, I feel sorry for him. I am devastated that this has happened to him and us. But now I feel trapped by it and this isn't the marriage I want. It isn't the life I want.
I have looked into separating but I'm too scared. Because I am the only one that works now he is classed as the kids primary carer. He would also be entitled to more share of the house and the inheritance was from my family. I would lose out hugely financially. I wouldn't really be able to manage on minimum wage and I don't even know what he would do

He has all of the savings

Does he actively care for the kids? Are they mostly at school?

OP this must be so difficult for you. It sounds like your DH is content with his situation at the moment and isn’t going to seek any further help. Realistically could you stay with him indefinitely if he carries on like this? It can’t be good for you or the kids. You need to consider how it’s going to be long term and whether you can carry on like this.

Cross post

I knew you'd say this was post lockdown, it hit me like a bloody truck as well.

But I live alone, my life doesn't impact on anyone else. You need time alone in your home. It's ragingly unfair otherwise.

You're married, why would he get more of the house?

It doesn’t sound like she brings much positive to his life either apart from slagging him off online

His mental health trumps everyone else's as his is more severe is his point of view.

Well that simply isn't true. He sounds completely self-absorbed.

He has no life. He says he loves it that way. If he loved it so much why did he become depressed?

Good question. If he really feels contented living the way he does and he just wants to be allowed to get on with it, then that means that he is no longer really depressed. The depression has become his justification for carrying on living this way.

But he's always been a homebody before this. He is well on the way to recovery now and I've spoken to him about it and he is very happy to stay at home 7 days a week,

If he has always been like this then it doesn't really sound like mental illness at all. It sounds much more like a permanent condition such as autism. Autism can result in depression but now the depression has lifted and he's found he really enjoys the restrictions.

How we can we move forward living in this way which we both aren't compatible with?

You can't move forward because this life suits him well enough as it is. He is already living his best life.

It doesn't suit you at all. You either put up with this, forever, or you end it and move out.

I can't help feeling as if he's deliberately stitched you up OP, he knows you are unhappy but he knows he can get away with not addressing it or even acknowledging the problem because he has too much leverage over you.
I would go and see a solicitor to find out exactly where you stand.

OK. Divorce would be the sanest option, but I think your concerns there are valid. How small is your house? Does it have potential for you to carve out at least one room, preferably a few, for your sole use?

It should at least give you some relief and a sense of 'home'. In your shoes, I might be looking into whether I could create a comfy, self-contained studio flat.

Get him to play golf or join a cycling club. You'll never see him again!

You need legal advice. If he has severe mental health issues then you can argue it would not be in the children's best interest to be with him for the majority of the time.

Yes it's scary but so is the prospect of spending the next 50 years of your life never, ever having a single moment alone in your own house.

YOU get a massive inheritance and he decides he doesn't want to work anymore?? fu(k that sh1t!!
Pretty sure inheritances aren't necessarily considered an asset of the marriage..?

He has all of the savings

Oh - I missed that. Especially if he's got your inheritance. Forget autism. He's stitched you up. Sorry!