Husband never leaves the house , I can't take it anymore

[Longingforsummer583]

My husband is has sufferered from depression for a year now , he has reduced his life to zero over the past few years. I understand that this is not all within his control, it's the depression. But he's always been a homebody before this. He is well on the way to recovery now and I've spoken to him about it and he is very happy to stay at home 7 days a week, potter around, watch youtube, and occasionally do some gardening in the summer . He no longer works , doesn't see any family and doesn't have any friends . Will come on the occasional day out with us .
I used to be a sahm and I didn't need to return to work for the money, we are very lucky in that respect. Last year I went back to work full time as I needed to get out of the house myself and away from him.
As you can imagine being together 24/7 feels like a prison sentence and small things in the home get blown out of proportion as nothing else to focus on.
Since I've gone back to work it's really helped me mentally, I'm socialising and getting myself more of a life away from home . Our kids are older now so don't need us so much.
Husband is still doing exactly the same thing and loves it . Great for him. I have the ability to work from home two days a week. I thought this would be a fantastic way of working. In reality it's not , because he is there. All our old problems come flooding back on those days. We've just had another huge argument whilst I was on my 30 minute lunch break. I've now got to work for the next 4 hours feeling frazzled and upset .
Any time I want a day off from work, he will always be there. Like i say he is in this house 24 hours a day. So I can NEVER be alone. Unfortunately for me , if I don't get alone time my mental health starts to suffer .
How we can we move forward living in this way which we both aren't compatible with? I don't want to be at home all the time, he never wants to go out. I would like alone time in my home occasionally, I can't because he never goes out. I now dislike being in my own home and feel like I want to go out all the time. Winter is the worst as we are all trapped indoors

My friend's husband is exactly the same. My friend is now leaving him.

His lack of support for her, coupled with his inaction to want to do anything with her or the kids and the fact he's always there has been the final straw for her. She's told him she's leaving him. I've never seen anyone so happy to be leaving a relationship tbh.

Totally agree you need solid legal advice before making any decisions. You said your DC are 'older'. When they're of an age to leave home, family home provision isn't a consideration when dividing assets.

Plus, if they're over 12 or so, they get to say which parent they want to live with.

Also the thing about his debilitating mental health calling his fitness as a full-time parent into question.

I'm not sure you can recover your inheritance; you really need a clued-up solicitor.

Because I am the only one that works now he is classed as the kids primary carer.

How can this be the case given that he can't leave the house?

Have you spoken to a solicitor as to what your rights and options would be?

He would also be entitled to more share of the house and the inheritance was from my family. I would lose out hugely financially.

Even if you did end up financially less well-off than you are now (which would depend on lots of factors), I think you need to ask yourself whether staying with him merely to keep things exactly the same financially is worth sacrificing your own MH and happiness for. You sound like you feel very trapped.

Living with him and his pot of money is only one option for your life, OP, and you owe it to yourself to at least explore all your options thoroughly before deciding this is what you really want.

Is there a possibility that he maybe on the spectrum OP I live this lifestyle and I'm
Autistic

im not sure you can insist that he isn’t at home… If it was a role reversal and a man wanted his wife not to be at home all the time it wouldn’t go down very well.

Can you rent a study somewhere? Buy a small flat for yourself to use part time? Get divorced?

I am at home a lot and my DH is too but we don’t really bother each other. I go outside or to work or shopping. I put headphones on and listen to my own thing. He does the same. It sounds more like you aren’t compatible. Why don’t you try and get some relationship counselling for yourself. You don’t have to do it as a couple.

Exactly, I can't just force him to go out somewhere!! I just wish that he would

I've already had legal advice. The inheritance was used to pay off mortgage, there is non left available as cash.
The savings are what my husband saved out of his wages . I haven't been able to save. Before I went back to work he paid for everything so it was all just in his bank and still is .
Solicitors said that because there has to be a fair split going forward and the fact he has no earning ability at the moment would mean he's entitled to a higher percentage of the house to enable him to buy something .
I could rent or get a mortgage on top of mine ( not in reality as don't earn enough) as I am earning whereas he cannot

"Talk to him about getting a dog op!

One that needs a lot of walking. If you think he can be relied on to take full responsibility for it that is. "

OP, please think very carefully about getting a dog. It sounds like you have enough problems and this is just added responsibility. A dog is many years worth of commitment and can cause stress (illness, vets bills, death) as well as happiness. Besides, your husband doesn't sound very responsible so I'd be worried about the poor dog.

This. We had one built in 2019 and I think it saved our relationship during Covid. If you have space OP, that would give you your own haven away from the house (him) or maybe you convince him to use it one of the days that you WFH so you could have free run of the house then. I feel your pain. x

Gosh, it sounds like he's got a sad life even though you say he's happy. He's not really setting an example to the children either by living this way. From his perspective he's got no responsibilities, no one is asking him to make decisions, he's not pushing or challenging himself, he's not supporting anyone, basically he's sort of opted out?
By him opting out of being a responsible adult he's putting all the work on you? What does he do to make your life easier?
Cook, clean, life admin, DIY? Or does he just vegetate in front of the TV?
If he does have MH issues, what is he doing to improve?
If he's genuinely happy living like this - fine. But don't expect you to facitate this painful existence. Life is there to be lived, please set an exam to your DC and give them the life skills and social skills your DH never will

So even though he knows you want time to yourself he only goes out when you're not in?
Hmmmm

He can't have all of the savings if you're married..
I think you should get proper advice on splitting up...
Hd wouldn't count as cater for the children unless he actually is caring for them.. school runs etc..

This is no way gor you or your children to live.....

Maybe you might lose a bit of money due to having to sort housing out ... But that money is part of the pot and has gone.. look at sunk costs... This is your now and future you need to think about

Do you love him? Do you like any of your life with him.? If not, leave. You only have one life. If he chooses his to live under a rock, that’s on him.

I can't really relate that much to this OP, but it seems like this should be an easy fix, unless he's developed some kind of anxiety about leaving the house.

Does he not even go out on simple walks by himself??

You need to create a bolthole for yourself, somewhere you can be completely on your own, either within the house or garden, if you can. Your mental health is as important as his is.

I just couldn’t be with someone like that. It would make me depressed. I can’t imagine a relationship where my DP never left the house, but it’s important to me that we share holidays, nights out, theatre etc. You would probably be much happier if you left him. Get on with your life. You deserve to be happy!

He's complacent about where he is in life. He's complacent about you being the one making all of the sacrifices. He's complacent about you being the one setting yourself on fire to keep him warm. He's complacent that he can say he's just got poor mental health so he can't/won't fulfil his responsibilities.

He's complacent because he is enabled to be so.

Do not stay with him because he will not change.

So to put it bluntly, he is a fat lazy miserable git. Do you want to spend the rest of your life married to him?

Sorry if l've missed it but how old are you both and how old are your children? If you separate and sell up l can't see why he'd be given a larger share as you are married so would be awarded 50/ 50 surely? It can't be because he's the kids main carer as he's incapable of doing that as he cant leave the house ...tbh you are more like his carer! You definitely need better advice on leaving him, if you can't afford a solicitor then maybe start with Citizens advice?

I mean just because he is in all the time, shouldn't mean you can't have your space. My husband and I are often in different rooms doing our own thing.

Exactly! Even living with your closest sister or best friend would get tiresome if you never had any space in your own home to be "be".

Would it be possible for you to have your own bedroom? This has made a massive different to me.

Can you increase your earnings potential?
Is he due any future inheritances?
Could you persuade him to move out to his mother's?
"His" savings are also marital assets, like the house.

You may need to bide your time to find the best moment to separate but in the meantime can you detach from him completely? Stop enabling him, expecting anything of him or in any way financially supporting him. Does he at least pull his weight domestically?

How miserable for you. He seems to be making a choice to “opt out” of life. He cannot still be depressed? Anti depressant usually work. Can you ask for family therapy via your husbands nurse -just you and him- we have it in our trust? He may be happy BUT your not. Can you go along to one of his meetings with his psychiatrist to see what he’s saying.
You have a right to be happy.

Do you really want to stay with him OP? It sounds like your life is being really restricted