Husband never leaves the house , I can't take it anymore

[Longingforsummer583]

My husband is has sufferered from depression for a year now , he has reduced his life to zero over the past few years. I understand that this is not all within his control, it's the depression. But he's always been a homebody before this. He is well on the way to recovery now and I've spoken to him about it and he is very happy to stay at home 7 days a week, potter around, watch youtube, and occasionally do some gardening in the summer . He no longer works , doesn't see any family and doesn't have any friends . Will come on the occasional day out with us .
I used to be a sahm and I didn't need to return to work for the money, we are very lucky in that respect. Last year I went back to work full time as I needed to get out of the house myself and away from him.
As you can imagine being together 24/7 feels like a prison sentence and small things in the home get blown out of proportion as nothing else to focus on.
Since I've gone back to work it's really helped me mentally, I'm socialising and getting myself more of a life away from home . Our kids are older now so don't need us so much.
Husband is still doing exactly the same thing and loves it . Great for him. I have the ability to work from home two days a week. I thought this would be a fantastic way of working. In reality it's not , because he is there. All our old problems come flooding back on those days. We've just had another huge argument whilst I was on my 30 minute lunch break. I've now got to work for the next 4 hours feeling frazzled and upset .
Any time I want a day off from work, he will always be there. Like i say he is in this house 24 hours a day. So I can NEVER be alone. Unfortunately for me , if I don't get alone time my mental health starts to suffer .
How we can we move forward living in this way which we both aren't compatible with? I don't want to be at home all the time, he never wants to go out. I would like alone time in my home occasionally, I can't because he never goes out. I now dislike being in my own home and feel like I want to go out all the time. Winter is the worst as we are all trapped indoors

Do you have a physical relationship? Affection? Does he offer you emotional support? Do you ever enjoy his company? Would you miss him if you weren’t living together?

You're married, his savings are yours too. They'll be split along with the assets from the sale of the house.
Assuming your solicitor does not advise that you are in an extremely poor position in the event of a divorce, I would do two things.
Tell your husband you need to both sit down together to discuss something difficult. This can be done with or without a professional mediator.
Pull the plug on the tv and hide the cable; disable the router, get rid of the kids
Set out your post above. You can't continue like this and he is hugely impacting your mental health.
He needs to leave the house/get a job/adopt a physical hobby. He needs to be prepared to regularly engage with family life, take your son to football, run lifts to playdates, do school pick ups if relevant. Walk the bleddy dog a few times a week. Take meds if that's what it takes
Either that or its a divorce and this is the likely outcome as advised. With assets, residency, pension etc.
Tell him he has a week to decide and to start effecting change up to and including booking apt for agoraphobia treatment.

I'd also suggest he goes on holiday to his mum and keeps her company for a week before you bash his head in with a shovel.

Really, I would get out of this situation. It's intolerable.

There's no way your husband is going to change so you must take the decision to do what is best for you.

Good luck, it's going to be very difficult.

Me too. 44yo, child free, married and exactly like this. Husband three decades older, doesn't mind. No problems, happy, have chosen this life immediately as I became an adult and was lucky to have it. 🙂

My neighbours both work from home and he built himself an office/shed thing out the back, as somewhere separate. If money and space allows, could be an option?

It's his home as well and presumably bought it for "his family".

You feel lucky to spend your days sat watching tv and never ever leaving the house? 🧐 That is existing, not living.

Take his mental health out of the question- are you happy in your marriage as it is? If you are not then leave. He doesn’t want to change, he’s very happy as he is. You don’t have to stay with him.

In a few years your kids will leave home, do you want to spend your days stuck inside your house with him? Even if you never date again surely it’s better to be alone than with that millstone round your neck! Get legal advice and work out how you can financially survive without him. Sell the house, would that make enough for you to buy somewhere else? It’ll be exhausting because you’ll have to do all the organising of the sale but in a year you could have a totally different life!

I'm sorry to sound brutal OP but this marriage sucks for you, and if I was in your shoes, I would be fearing retirement because it will be even worse than the situation you have now.
As others have suggested I would be thinking long and hard about divorce as this isn't a fair marriage. You will need proper advice about this, particularly the division of assets. As a first step, Citizens Advice may be able to recommend a solicitor that specialises in Family Law.
The only other alternative is to live in a separate part of the house if you can, and start living your own life. You deserve it 💐

This!

You need to know how much is in 'his' savings, by the way, and where they are. Probably prudent to update your info on his pension, too.

When you solicitor advised about you doing poorly financially after a divorce did they include the savings (they are NOT just yours husband's!) And also your husband's pension?

I'm struggling to understand why you don't get an hour to yourself in a house. Can you not have a bath? Can't you lie on the bed reading?

As someone else said, do you have space to have your own room where you can read / draw / do yoga?

Is he disturbing you or have you got so cross about him you literally can't stand to be in the same house as him even if he is just watching TV?

I agree with those saying to lay it out to him. He has a responsibility to manage his mental health and his part in your relationship.

He should make steps to change his lifestyle ASAP. Or OP should give up on the marriage and be happy.
She shouldn't have to change her life completely to accommodate his selfishness.

How old are your children?

His mental health team enable him, I truly feel that. I would not have believed it u less I'd have attended every meeting with him.
If I ever dare utter any complaint , or that I'd like him to do more etc, their answer is he will do it in his own time, not to push him, he is doing very well, he can't expect miracles, it could take up to 4 years.
He has remembered all this and uses it to his advantage. He sees it as he's got another 2 years left of recovery time so does not even need to consider things like work etc, plus he was awarded high rare pip for 3 years so again feels like that's him sorted for that length of time

But the OP doesn't have a chance to miss him because he's always there, lounging about in front of the TV. You are describing a very different dynamic to the OP's.

He's a different person to the one OP married and it's tough.

OP - how long can he afford to be not earning? That's going to be a crunch point

Could he not have visits to hospital rather than them coming to him?

Oh this is awful. I have a great friend who is in the same situation. If you need time on your own, and he won't leave the house, take yourself off elsewhere. On your own, or with a friend - go for a spa day, spend a night or two in a Hôtel, go for a fabulous walk, shopping, Museum, whatever you enjoy. And whatever you do, don't prepare meals for him for whn away, etc. Absolutely make sure it is time for YOU and YOU alone. Go on a short holiday by the seaside or where you feel great, breathe, read, listen to music, whatever makes you feel good, and enjoy.

I really like my DP.

I still changed my hours to ensure that I have 90mins a day where he's not there, as after 3 years where he was always there every moment of the day, I was constantly on edge.

People who just want an hour or two alone don't get full time jobs to get away from their spouse, as OP has said she has done.

Anyway, having read OPs further posts its clear that financial constraints are all that is keeping her with him.

To each their own but I'm not really understanding the problem of him being in the house all the time to be honest. I'm a sahm so my DH goes to work then comes home and I'm always here, id feel awful if he felt like he wanted the house to himself and wanted me to piss off out so he can have hours to himself . You go to work op so you do have time apart from him and if you can't cope now how would you cope when you both retire . I don't think it's that he's at home is what bothers you I think it's the depression and the fact you maybe are starting to see him as an anchor dragging on you instead of a man you love spending time with .

You need to be very honest with him. My dh was working but always from home and I actually felt claustrophobic. After a good chat about it he now goes out and gives me some space once a week. Every feels better for him doing this!

Won't you be lonely when your husband dies, if you are as isolated at OPs husband is?

This would drive me fucking mad. I would lose all respect for him. And get the ick.

During lockdown I felt the same as you OP. I craved alone time. It did drive me a little crazy tbh. When lockdown lifted and my DH started to wfh I got a job that was in the office with no home working. I love it. The moneys shit but the people are awesome and I enjoy the work. I now cycle as my commute so I get some exercise too.
I know you shouldn’t have to but have you considered a change of job? If you are lucky enough to find a good team, working in the office can actually be a laugh.
I also started some hobbies to keep myself busy (and out of the house). I know it isn’t ideal but I also didn’t want to divorce for many reasons. I carved out my own happiness. I have strong friendship circles and when I get home from work I’m ready to sit in front of the tv with DH and then bed. I don’t feel like I resent him so much. It’s almost like living as a single person within a relationship. Whilst it’s not something I would have chosen, for me it was better then forcing a split.