Husband never leaves the house , I can't take it anymore

[Longingforsummer583]

My husband is has sufferered from depression for a year now , he has reduced his life to zero over the past few years. I understand that this is not all within his control, it's the depression. But he's always been a homebody before this. He is well on the way to recovery now and I've spoken to him about it and he is very happy to stay at home 7 days a week, potter around, watch youtube, and occasionally do some gardening in the summer . He no longer works , doesn't see any family and doesn't have any friends . Will come on the occasional day out with us .
I used to be a sahm and I didn't need to return to work for the money, we are very lucky in that respect. Last year I went back to work full time as I needed to get out of the house myself and away from him.
As you can imagine being together 24/7 feels like a prison sentence and small things in the home get blown out of proportion as nothing else to focus on.
Since I've gone back to work it's really helped me mentally, I'm socialising and getting myself more of a life away from home . Our kids are older now so don't need us so much.
Husband is still doing exactly the same thing and loves it . Great for him. I have the ability to work from home two days a week. I thought this would be a fantastic way of working. In reality it's not , because he is there. All our old problems come flooding back on those days. We've just had another huge argument whilst I was on my 30 minute lunch break. I've now got to work for the next 4 hours feeling frazzled and upset .
Any time I want a day off from work, he will always be there. Like i say he is in this house 24 hours a day. So I can NEVER be alone. Unfortunately for me , if I don't get alone time my mental health starts to suffer .
How we can we move forward living in this way which we both aren't compatible with? I don't want to be at home all the time, he never wants to go out. I would like alone time in my home occasionally, I can't because he never goes out. I now dislike being in my own home and feel like I want to go out all the time. Winter is the worst as we are all trapped indoors

I know it’s hard but I would leave.
my DH (now ex) wasn’t this bad, he did go to work but other than that he rarely left the house, I did everything with the dc, even took them on holidays alone as he couldn’t handle being away from home. Eventually I had enough and I kicked him out. He now has a new partner and goes out a lot more than he ever did with me, maybe he learnt from his mistakes or maybe I was the cause of his behaviour? (Who knows) but it’s no longer my problem and I’m much happier being able to go out and do things without getting angry about him being stuck at home.

I have huge sympathy with anyone suffering with depression but there only so much we can do to help them, sometimes they need to help themselves but making themselves leave the house, by getting a hobby or returning to work.

He is not well on the way to recovery if he can’t leave the house OP this is no way to live. As your children get older you will become more frustrated. If he has no intention of changing then I suggest you see a solicitor with a view to divorce.
Neither of you are building any sort of pension pot as he is happy to sit on his backside all day.
I had a friend who has experienced this she eventually left him and now enjoys a happy and purposeful life.

Would he like an allotment?

Just want to say op that this sounds truly awful and I couldn't live like this.

We never ever do anything nice together as couple, like a meal or cinema.

This, in itself, is a good enough reason to leave.

I think that sadly, you're going to end up hating him before too long. That trapped feeling is just going to get worse. But you could be right in that if you try to divorce him, he ends up with the house and the DC with you paying maintenance.

If there's really no other alternative, I'd be making plans to end things when the DC are 18 (not sure how old they are now?). I'd try and build a career, have my own outside hobbies. You may well still lose out financially but you might have to take that hit, to have a life of your own. He's not going to do anything to help the situation so it has to be about self preservation now.

How old are you both OP? And how old are your children?

@EmpressSoleil the op does have a career and a life of her own.

I have agoraphobia/anxiety. Your husband has the same as me and sounds the same as me. I had untreated PTSD and depression, a massive breakdown whilst waiting for treatment, then the pandemic hit and I had no treatment for three years. So instead I developed the other awful illnesses as well as the original ones. I have had talking therapy to help with the agoraphobia/anxiety it made a massive difference. It still does apart from the bad days.

He’s not going out as he will feel unsafe when he is out, I can’t even begin to describe how it feels as it’s completely illogical. In between I’m ok next time I can’t even walk out the front door as I can’t breathe. He probably is not telling you this as you think, well I did, that you have lost the plot and because people just do not understand.

There is specialist therapy and he needs to be treated, hope he feels brighter soon.

This is just awful @Longingforsummer583 and very similar to how I feel. DH does work, but wfh most of the week so is always sitting there at his desk in the living room (small house) in his dressing gown of doom. Then he spends his evenings sprawled on the sofa. Added to this, he lies in bed til just before his work start time each morning while I get the kids up and out for school. He never plays with them either, and cites his depression in all of this. However, he regularly manages to get himself out to gigs and whatever else, often all day and overnight, but will say that his depression stops him being able to play with the kids, or even talk to them. It is mentally draining for all of us, so I completely sympathise OP. I think you know it's time to put this to an end and live the life you want. I'm slowly but surely on my way to doing the same before the life is sucked out of me completely.

Do you still love him ?

Would you feel heartbroken if you didn't live together ?

Is there a reason you're still together ?

Is there a reason you haven't left other than the DC

The DC is not a good enough reason imho to stay in a relationship

Are you enabling him by staying with him

Ie if you left him would he be forced to address his issues

is he at home because of the symptoms

Or has he created this scenario of symptoms to stop himself from leaving the house

Has something traumatic occurred to trigger his agoraphobia like bullying at work, redundancy death of a loved one etc

@Longingforsummer583 he may not get as high a split of the house than you think and if he has savings you are also entitled to some of those. Does he have a pension?

This book is very interesting indeed and worth a try for either of you to read

You need to sort out the underlying issues here. Is that he chooses not to go out or can’t he go out as you say he’s on the road to recovery with his depression. So when his depression has improved does he feel like he still can’t go out?

in the meantime surely you can get some alone time whilst he is still in the house? Take yourself off for a bath, go in the bedroom and ask him to sat away for an hour every evening you’re going to read a book or something. Honestly it is possible I sometimes think I do live alone it’s just that everyone’s busy doing their own thing in the house.

Op, if he has completely dropped the pretense that he is not leaving the house due to depression and admits he loves it, I'm afraid he is not planning on changing. He has it made living off your inheritance and having zero responsibilities, not even going to the shop!

I don't think his not going out is the issue here, I think the relationship is the issue. You don't seem to like him very much and there is a lack of understanding of how depression and poor mental health can make you feel. That's not a criticism to you OP, but it is very hard to understand if you haven't experienced it yourself.

I am the same as your DH. I hate going out, I find socialising extremely hard work and I would prefer not to do it. My DH doesn't work because he is my carer and helps me with my daughter who also needs caring for (disabled). Therefore we are in the house 24/7 together. The difference is, we actually love being with each other so there's no issue. We don't get on each others nerves; we are always having a laugh and he supports me on my very difficult days.

Perhaps it is deeper than your DHs mental health on your side?

Do you enjoy his company at all? Do you still love him and want to stay married?

His actions (or lack of) would be a deal breaker to me

You can keep on raising your needs with him; he tries to keep shutting you down because he's selfish and it' inconvenient to him; so be inconvenient to him, be the stone in his shoe that he can't ignore. Your needs and your mental health matter too; it is not an either/or or zero sum game. It is not unreasonable to express your needs. It is not unreasonable to ask (demand) some time alone in your own home occasionally.

I think there’s some truth in this.

Im poleaxed with Long Covid and can’t leave the house. DH works from home. We squabble and get in top of each other, but mostly it’s ok.

Even if the OP's Dh needs to be at home, she has needs too. She doesnt' have to be his carer.

I'd be ok with him taking a break from work if he has always worked or retiring even if finances allowed, but not sitting at home 7 days a week.

I’d be very careful OP about not sorting something out eg separating or divorce as nothing will change.

My DM’s best childhood friend, married, moved abroad to be with her DH who’d spent most of his working life, working abroad, but coming home to see family. She uprooted her whole life there and was happy to a degree but he had terrible mood swings, probably undiagnosed bipolar or mental health issues and had a heart bypass. She used to escape to my DP’s holiday home nearby or to see them when they holidayed there. She had no living family apart from her DC who’d have loved it if their parents divorced but a flat this couple had in England where she could’ve moved was eventually sold to help out her DS. Her DH died in his early 80s, she moved back to England a year or so before Covid but over covid was diagnosed with cancer and even though she had a few trips away and moved in with her daughter and had good cancer treatment sadly she died a couple of years ago. She couldn’t sleep and played solitaire and early in mornings when she lived with her DH.

Don’t let your marriage go that way please. There is a way out.

But how can I split the family up just because I want an hour to myself occasionally?

It's not just because of that, though, is it?

You don't just want an hour to yourself. What you want is an equal relationship with someone who plays a normal role in family life and makes a normal contribution.

If my partner was unwell, either physically or mentally, I would of course expect that to have an impact on our lives, and I would understand that he couldn't help it, and I would hope we'd get through it... but what I couldn't deal with would be someone who didn't seem to want to get better and wouldn't put any effort into building up to functioning normally again.

I have a tendency to suffer depression and have had some significant bouts in my life, so I know awful it can feel and what a huge challenge some really basic stuff can be. But at no point did I just decide that I'd stop trying. At no point did I think 'Oh well, this is my life now. Clearly everyone else is going to support me so I'll just stay at home and not do anything that might slightly put me out.' My boyfriend never put any pressure on me at all, but I was bloody FORCING myself to go out and do stuff because I didn't want to drag him down! I remember going to a gig with him once that I knew he really wanted to go to, and the whole time I was just thinking (unbeknown to him) 'I wish I was dead', but I stuck it out because I wanted to do everything I could possibly manage in order to have a functional and healthy relationship.

But it sounds like they do nothing together, no trips out to cinema or by themselves.

Why on earth aren’t his mental health team encouraging time out with his DW and by himself rather than leaving things to fester? Of course he’s happy with things as they are.

I think more needs to be resolved before you retire because there will come a point where you have to be in the house together.

You do deserve some peace in your own home but can you pinpoint what he does that makes it so difficult? I get up very early to have a good hour on my own otherwise I don't feel human. I'm not an early bird but would sacrifice sleep for a peaceful coffee!

As a short term solution could you work from somewhere like a library for some of the day?

How old is he, are you and the children?