Husband never leaves the house , I can't take it anymore

[Longingforsummer583]

My husband is has sufferered from depression for a year now , he has reduced his life to zero over the past few years. I understand that this is not all within his control, it's the depression. But he's always been a homebody before this. He is well on the way to recovery now and I've spoken to him about it and he is very happy to stay at home 7 days a week, potter around, watch youtube, and occasionally do some gardening in the summer . He no longer works , doesn't see any family and doesn't have any friends . Will come on the occasional day out with us .
I used to be a sahm and I didn't need to return to work for the money, we are very lucky in that respect. Last year I went back to work full time as I needed to get out of the house myself and away from him.
As you can imagine being together 24/7 feels like a prison sentence and small things in the home get blown out of proportion as nothing else to focus on.
Since I've gone back to work it's really helped me mentally, I'm socialising and getting myself more of a life away from home . Our kids are older now so don't need us so much.
Husband is still doing exactly the same thing and loves it . Great for him. I have the ability to work from home two days a week. I thought this would be a fantastic way of working. In reality it's not , because he is there. All our old problems come flooding back on those days. We've just had another huge argument whilst I was on my 30 minute lunch break. I've now got to work for the next 4 hours feeling frazzled and upset .
Any time I want a day off from work, he will always be there. Like i say he is in this house 24 hours a day. So I can NEVER be alone. Unfortunately for me , if I don't get alone time my mental health starts to suffer .
How we can we move forward living in this way which we both aren't compatible with? I don't want to be at home all the time, he never wants to go out. I would like alone time in my home occasionally, I can't because he never goes out. I now dislike being in my own home and feel like I want to go out all the time. Winter is the worst as we are all trapped indoors

And there speaks of a man who is manipulative and controlling. If he would be prepared to fight for the things that he wants or stonewall the things that you want then he is very capable of recovering from MH issues.
I'm not saying that he has never had MH issues but he is now using it as an excuse or weapon to get the things that he wants whatever the cost to his family - that is abuse! I am very aware of how MH can affect your life but I am also very aware that MH is the new 'go to' for people to opt out when life throws a curve ball.
I'd leave the solicitor for now and go do the Talking therapies (it is free!) Your MH matters too. Your misery can be talked about so you can develop strategies to live with it in the interim. You can get your ducks in a row and think about how you move forward.
So move the goalposts, if the kids want money - tell them - ask your Dad, split the bills (don't let him keep saving his money just for him) you need to be selfish for yourself now and as you said kind of live around him while he is there.
If you have a mind to - it is easy enough to ignore the existence of someone in the room because we all zone out at times. Make his life a little less comfortable - if he has little comeback or response from you then too bad - he won't be your problem as you are beginning to make a life for yourself. It won't be fun or easy but you deserve a little happiness.

If he has the energy to fight that hard over the assets he had, he has the energy to walk the dog and do the food shop.

This 100%

@Turquoiseviolet wow our lives are identical! I would love to private message you if that's OK to ask u a few questions

I have had a very small window of feeling like OP as DH has been on sick leave for six months so always at home! I have genuinely not realised until then how much I valued my own free personal time at home on my own. He has just recently started going back to work on phased return so it has been bliss having those days alone to study, eat and drink in peace. It was precious time. Really looking forward to him returning back to his usual hours so I get peace more regularly. I need time alone to stay mentally well.

If possible work out somewhere nice like cafe or pub on wfh days?

That's unfair, everyone needs space and if you never have any for years it's wearing and depressing.

Or take up a hobby of whistling or humming loudly, practice all the time.

The impression I have from this thread is that it's not uncommon for women to feel like this about their husbands.
I wonder if the same is true for men, is it as common for them to be longing for time on their own without the wife there?

If you can’t afford to divorce then begin a plan to separate mentally and financially. The deep problem is twofold: one that your children are seeing this level of dysfunction as normal snd functional. They are likely to repeat it. Two: you are tied to his choices and his rhythm and can do nothing but what he chooses. One day he will choose to act and you will be left shattered by the speed with which he moves when it benefits him.

I said upthread: don’t divorce. But change your orientation and start saving money, bettering yourself, treat him like a roomate, don’t do for him. Eventually you will just get out because this is a living death.

Yes sure but this is why men go to the pub, or hang with their mates, or do their hobbies 3x a week, or have a man cave.

Omg this is so much worse. He's not getting better or trying. You need to get him to get a job, walk the dog, do the chores or leave. This is just looking after another child who uses depression as an excuse.

If he can do more when he needs to then this isn’t depression or mental health issues this is about control and abuse.

You and your children are experiencing abuse and yours and their lives will be limited. You all need therapy

Please don’t stay. It will make you physically ill.

Have a plan and get evidence and the mumsnet mantra of getting all your ducks in a row and get out

I would start to also get evidence of what he pretends to his mental health team what he isn’t capable of and if when he realises you are divorcing him and he starts to suddenly become capable he needs to answer the question that either he is so unwell he needs Pip and a mental health team or he isn’t that unwell and knows full well what he is doing, abusing both you and your children, claiming Pip fraudulently and lying to his mental health team.
You and the judge will want to know.

Either way he shouldn’t get anything other than supervised custody of dc because the former means he won’t be able to look after them because of his illness and the latter means he shouldn’t be left alone with them

Yes of course, have just pm'd you.

@Longingforsummer583 It might be worth checking if you can access free legal advice first e.g. the CAB, a law centre or a free legal clinic.

I'll probably get slated for saying this. But as someone who was left financially destitute due to my arsehole ex, quite frankly I think you need to be cunning as to what you plan.

You need to start squirrelling money away. Get a post box, and have mail sent there. Get a safety deposit box and start hiding some cash.

The other thing you could do is subtly force him to do things for himself. Stop arranging things for him. If he wants to buy something, he has to go to the shops. Don't run errands for him.

Don't tell him about days out. Organise them and just go. Force him to ask you, but reply with "not sure. Why don't you organise something if you want to go out." Chances are he'll say "I don't want to go out". So just go out without him and if he complains say "you said you didn't want to go out".

Keep a record of his behaviour. How long he spends in front of the tv. How he ignores your DC. That he doesn't prepare meals for the DC.

Get your DC some counselling - make sure it's independent of your DH's. I know there is a tendency by the NHS to offer counselling to the family by the same mental health team and it sucks because the focus stays on the primary person and isn't properly focussed on the others. (I was offered it, and one session of as all I could deal with because it was clear that helping me was just a means to helping him, and I declined the therapy offered for my DC and made it clear that they were being supported through the school - to stop them pushing it.)

See if you can get the school on side. It will help a lot if they see you as the primary caregiver. Ask them if they can help you access independent therapy for the DC as you don't want your husband's mental health team positioning your DC as young carers as that wouldn't be fair on them.

You need documentation making it clear that the possibility of him being the primary caregiver is not beneficial for your DC.

Get yourself some counselling too. Make it clear how much his mental health is affecting all of you. Get it documented. Get support behind you.

Sounds like a good plan @OrderOfTheKookaburra

Sorry if this is a dumb idea, I have never been divorced so I don't know, but couldn't op just liquidate her assets and transfer all of her money to a friend/family member's bank account? He can't take half of what she doesn't have

@logo1236 not a good idea, in some cases deliberate deprivation of assets can even be classed as a crime

also, if this trusted friend does not give the money back? you could not make them

all round an illegal and bad idea

But spending on joint credit cards and squirrelling away cash has been a tried and tested method by many a man for years on end, to reduce the joint asset base.

He sounds awlful and checked out of family life.

I don't think I could stand it either having someone camped out in the living room all day evey day.

have you ever mentioned to him about leaving him?

I’m a little confused how he’s claiming benefits and has savings, I claimed in my early twenties and you weren’t allowed savings over £600/0 ( I can’t remember the exact figure)

I agree with PP’s that you need to start mentally and financially separating yourself from him. Your children are in their early teens so your family situation will be very different in five years or less when they’re young adults- no custody arrangements, no CMS ( you can give money directly to them), etc.

I’d plan for that time, when it’s easier for you to move forward. I sympathize greatly with mental illness, but it sounds as if he’s become self-centered and simply doesn’t care about the impact of his behavior on his wife and children. He’s not really trying to get better, because he doesn’t want. Much easier to let you everything for the family. My Dad did this as well, didn’t fight his mental illness and let my Mum do everything. She was a v. strong person but it almost broke her.

PIP is not a means tested benefit

This is really excellent advice OP, if you choose to heed it 💐