What makes a "good man" to you?

[LorlieS]

I was just on another thread and poster said her husband was a "good man" because he earned enough for her to stay at home indefinitely.
Personally, I don't agree with this statement.
So, being entirely honest, what are your non-negotiables?

My list:
Kindness
Integrity
Honesty
Respect
A similar sense of humour to my own
Treating me as an equal
Being present for our family and children.

I'm sure there's more but for me, being wealthy doesn't feature.

IME you need someone who shares the same values as you so on financial terms to be on the same page and have the same goals. It is the least I expect of a man in a patriarchy, Women are earning and striving despite the sexism they suffer as a class

If you plan to have children then his financial stability is even more important, pregnancy and birth take a huge toil on a woman only, the least he can do is pay. And by that I mean be able to contribute to any loss of the woman's income and help if she suffers birth injuries; Then aside from that raising children costs money, and money gives more choices but it isn't so much about how much than being on the same page and knowing you have someone has your back when you may be at your most vulnerable.

@Ribikco Again, I disagree. Just because being rich makes you happy, doesn't mean the same applies to everyone else.
The most beautiful people I have ever known have been what you would probably regard as "poor" and the "rich" ones among the ugliest.

Because it is a man they would be marrying..? If a certain standard of living was important then presumably they would also give it as a prerequisit if they were looking to marry another woman.

Generally men pull their weight less int he home even when women are the breadwinners or work the same hours. Women are still more likely to be the primary parents. Women usually sacrifice their time and health to produce children. The least most men can do is provide https://eige.europa.eu/publications-resources/toolkits-guides/gender-equality-index-2021-report/gender-differences-household-chores?language_content_entity=en#:~:text=Gender%20Equality%20Index%202021%3A%20Health&text=About%2091%20%25%20of%20women%20with,30%20%25%20of%20men%20with%20children.

Of course those who have a perfect happy split, great for them! But so many people don't and many men don't want to do more int he home from my experience.

Because not everyone wants or needs to do that. My DH makes in a day what I could make in a month. My wages are not needed, but my contribution to the household being a SAHM/housewife is far more valuable to our family than any money I could have brought in ever would be.

Spot on

But a ‘good man’?

Women can earn money if it’s important to them

Do you think no man can be good unless they earn a lot?

The mother being the default parent is though and that is part of it, as is the fact that it is almost always women who go part time even if they do go back to work.

But I NEVER said being rich makes people happy, or that my situation applies to others. Are you deliberately misinterpreting my comments? I think I have been quite clear.

We covered that too. Biology over society.

So you can't disagree with something you haven't experienced

So, by that score, @Ribikco ... Do you disagree that it's fun to be shot in the knee with a pistol?

''We'' didn't cover that. I don't agree that it's biological or at least just biological with no societal influence.

@OutsideLookingOut I'm not denying that is how it is, but that doesn't mean we as women should say "Well let's just accept it because that's how it is." I certainly would not accept it in my own marriage.
I won't lie down and accept the patriarchy just because "that's how it is" and will reflect that in how I live my life.
From the "small" things (Ms MyName) to the bigger things (eg sharing the financial load with my husband as well as the domestic chores and childcare).
If nobody did anything to change things we'd still be living in the (highly misogynistic) past.

Oh come on, that is the most ridiculous analogy I have ever seen. You're attempting to compare a physical injury to a positive situation of being rich and happy. Being shot has definite negative results so no sane person would debate that you need to experience it to know the outcomes would be bad.
However, a person can not definitively say it is preferable to be poor and happy over being rich and happy until they have experienced it because the potential outcomes aren't measurable in the same was as needing a knee replacement.

This is lovely it's made me fill up. It reminds me of my own dad and his and my dm's marriage he was so patient with her he just loved her.

OP I have found my perfect man, I'm in my 50's and it's taken me this long to find someone just genuinely nice. He's not perfect but he's everything you described, and after so many dogs I feel I've won the lottery.

It is predominantly biological. This is undeniable.

I don't agree.

Not taking your DH name and working isn't having an any affect on the patriarchy. Legislation is what does that.

That is your prerogative but I tend to base my opinions on facts rather than feelings.

I base my opinions on facts too. Like it's a fact we live in a sexist society.

Multiple things can be true.

@Ribikco Absolutely it does. If we all blindly just became Mrs Hisname on marriage without a second thought, we maintain the status quo of a patriarchal society.
If we were entirely honest - how many women still think you become a Mrs upon marriage, for example.
And again, if no woman showed any interest in working and earning a wage, how would things move on?

Of course not. And I don't suppose anyone on here does. But people are not answering the question as 'what makes a man decent/moral' they are answering it as 'what makes a man a good partner', so It stands to reason that anyone who values wealth is going to include a good earner as part of their criteria for a good partner, and would presumably do so if the theoretical partner was a man or a woman. They would also presumably do so if they earned well themselves, as they wouldn't want the wealth they accrued brought down by a partner who didn't match them.
This thread is starting to remind me of the short men threads. Short (poor) men and the women married to them telling women who prefer to date tall (rich) men that they are really upsetting all the short (poor) men and should put aside their preferences and be less shallow.
(I've never had or wanted a wealthy partner BTW, my tastes arent particularly materialistic, and am happy to get by, and always earned my own money, so I've no skin in the game. Just tired of women being told they need to tailor their preferences to be 'fair' to men.)

Great list, agree with every point.

I would add:
thoughtful
Secure in their masculinity
50/50 with parenting

I couldn’t care less about money, I have always, and will continue to earn my own.

Your statement was that if you haven't experienced something, you can't know if you prefer it to another thing. The 'definite negative results' you speak of may be outweighed by other factors, for example, someone might be signed off work for a long period from a job that was making them suicidal. Are they allowed to like getting shot in the knee, yet? In your philosophy?

My example was deliberately extreme. No sane person would fail to notice that... 🙄