What makes a "good man" to you?

[LorlieS]

I was just on another thread and poster said her husband was a "good man" because he earned enough for her to stay at home indefinitely.
Personally, I don't agree with this statement.
So, being entirely honest, what are your non-negotiables?

My list:
Kindness
Integrity
Honesty
Respect
A similar sense of humour to my own
Treating me as an equal
Being present for our family and children.

I'm sure there's more but for me, being wealthy doesn't feature.

True!

The problem is though, what if that wasn't the way it was? So many threads on here from women working full time, with husbands who simply won't do their share. Not necessarily in a huge LTB type way where he does nothing at all, but where he does a little, but not enough, and nowhere near what she does, because when it comes down to it, he is simply not as invested in making sure the kids have a healthy lunch, the, the sheets get changed and the rug vacuumed.
If you genuinely have a 50/50 split, then you're very fortunate. Because I think if you did a poll you'd be in a minority. And it's all well and good saying women shouldn't stand for it, but in reality, men dont do as they're told nearly as much as MN thinks they do, and most women don't leave their partners, uproot their children and halve their household income because they end up emptying the dishwasher every day to his once a week.

I agree with this too. There are as many poor/average/insolvent men who make dreadful partners as there are ones that use money to control.

A decent person will be decent with or without finances and vice versa.

If it wasn't the way it was, I wouldn't stay married to him. It's a personal choice if a woman wants to stay but I wouldn't because a man refusing to do his fair share is sexist and disrespectful to start with, not to mention setting a bad example to DC watching mum do most or all of the housework and childcare.

If I'm doing almost everything anyway, I may as well be single. Especially since the resentment would build and the relationship would be miserable anyway.

But does complete equality make a "good man"? Isn't it more to do with shared values, assuming the total household burden is roughly 50/50? Everyone has different priorities.
Equality matters on a societal level of course, but in an individual household it's rarely that simple.

I wouldn't describe a man who thinks that childcare and housework = woman's work as a good man. Not even close.

Individuals can have personal goals for reasons other than gender stereotypes though. Making a choice for yourself is not the same as having an expectation for all men/women because they are a man/woman.

If the choice aligns with gender stereotyping then it it's going to be part of it because no one makes choices in a vacuum. Growing up in a society where sexism is a societal norm is going to have an influence.

The alternative is people make choices they'd rather not, just to buck gender norms. And I hardly think that's ideal either.

Of course, people should do whatever they like. It doesn't make some choices any less sexist though.

Someone who views you as an equal regardless of job status to theirs. Someone who is also supportive during bad times and respects you during good times

I disagree, but ok.

Kind
Honest
A worker
Tidy
Attractive
Cares about his health
Handy with a toolbox
Financially responsible
A good earner
Has savings

I'd never date a broke man nor marry solely for love. No shade to those who do. It seems a badge of honour on MN to not be concerned with a man's money when you absolutely should be. Life isn't a storybook. I won't spend my life grafting for the sake of a man's company and comfort. Id rather graft single or have a roommate if that were the case.

Women care so much about what other women think that they'd make it appear they'd marry a non-starter based on his kindness. & Theres too much embarrassment about money talk out there generally.

As for the plethora of MN posts about broke lazy husbands, husbands who are self-employed 'running a business' but really its a pin money hobby and hes only facilitated in this via his knackered working full-time wife who can never ever get a break. No thanks.

I don’t see the need to make these posts berating women's choices as to what they want in a partner unless deep down you're unhappy with your own choices tbh. You have to be comfortable with your own standards and not get wound up about what others are doing

The “good “ characteristics are the same for men and women - why wouldn’t they be?

I'm sorry for your loss. My dad was like yours too x

@DeeCeeCherry So are you basically saying you want a wealthy man so you don't have to work?

If this patriarchal society had such an influence on individual women's choices we would all be at home doing the dishes. The majority of mums work. So those who choose to be housewives or SAHMs are doing so because they genuinely prefer it. Again, I find myself having to point out that this theory of 'you don't really know if you want to be home or that you've been conditioned to want to be home' is utterly patronising and foul.

And there is nothing wrong with that. Just because a person isn't in paid employment it doesn't mean they don't have work to do. Housework, childcare, volunteering all comes under the umbrella of work.

Here are the dictionary definitions:

• activity involving mental or physical effort done in order to achieve a purpose or result.
• a task or tasks to be undertaken.

Maybe I should say a good woman needs to be handy with a hoover? See how that goes down…

@Britpop123 Exactly! Next @DeeCeeCherry will be claiming she's a feminist!!

There's nothing anti feminist about deciding you'd like a certain life style and refusing partners who will obstruct that because their earnings mean your own will be diluted by the need to support them. There's also nothing anti feminist by recognising your skill gaps, be that DIY or cooking, and looking for a partner who brings to the table what you lack. Its not pp fault that the skill she wants in a partner (DIY) is one that people who believe in sex roles have assigned as a 'man's job'.
What isn't very feminist is pushing the idea that the expectation of a tiny minority of women that a man should earn well and keep them is somehow a huge problem that disadvantages men. The model of financial reliance and sex based roles is harmful to women as a class. Men do just fine from it, because, let's face it, if they didn't, they'd not go along with it, would they?

Men don’t do fine from the expectation to provide! Financial issues are a leading cause of male suicide. The toxic elements of masculinity that mean many men feel a failure for not earning and providing enough certainly don’t benefit all, or even a majority.

like all toxic things, it’s pretty bad for both parties, they just don’t all see it

This!
Never let yourself be guilted into finding something attractive or unattractive ever. If men can prioritise looks over all else then women should not be faulted for finding a security in a partner attractive.

@Britpop123 Agreed. But let's face it, as long as their wives don't have to earn a living why would that bother them?
Then then argue they're "supporting" their husband if they are expected to work themselves.
No, they're being treated as an equal.

@OutsideLookingOut Choosing a wife solely based on looks = also pathetic and shallow.