Dumped out of the blue and totally devastated - can I have a virtual hug please?

[HazelCat]

On paper, I have my life together - nice friends, house, lots of hobbies and activities (walking, gym etc.), financially comfortable, good health etc. However, I've been single for a long time and I do feel lonely. Over the years, I've tried OLD, but it has been pretty disastrous - just a stream of the usual knobs, fuckwits etc. etc. - and I've had a ton of rejections, which has left my self esteem pretty much in the gutter.

Much to my surprise, that all changed (or so I thought), when I met a guy on Tinder a couple of months ago. He was kind, caring, attractive, intelligent, similar interests, great company - everything that I was looking for - and I really fell for him. Like me, he has no DC or other commitments (other than a demanding job), so it seemed as though we were set to have a lovely time together. The only drawback was that we live 70 miles apart (about an hour and a half's drive), but we discussed that and he said that it wasn't a problem for him. I have a lot more time on my hands than he does and I said that I was happy to do most of the travelling, which he gratefully accepted.

We got on brilliantly well and never ran out of things to talk about. He made it clear that he was looking for a long term, committed relationship and seemed to be as keen as I was. He was very affectionate with me, constantly telling me how attractive he found me (which is relevant to the story) and going to the trouble of planning lovely dates for us. When we weren't together, he was always WhatsApp-ing me with nice messages and gave every appearance of being fully engaged in our relationship. We had sex on our second date (which I now realise was a BIG mistake on my part, but at the time, it felt like the right thing to do), and it was all very passionate with chemistry aplenty (or so I naively thought).

All in all, I was on cloud nine and was utterly over the moon that my long period of bad luck had changed. How wrong I was!!!!!!

We spent last weekend together (at my house) and as always, had a lovely time. He asked me if I would spend Easter with him and talked about planning a holiday together. As he left on Sunday afternoon, his final words to me were 'I can't wait to see you again'. On Sunday evening, he sent me various nice WhatsApp messages to say that he had got home OK etc.

Then on Monday evening, I received a curt message from him to say that he has decided to end our relationship, as long distance doesn't work for him and he doesn't feel 'that spark' for me.

I'm completely devastated. Can't eat, can't sleep and can't stop crying. My self esteem has now disappeared completely and I just don't know how to cope with yet another rejection - the worst one ever, as I never saw it coming. I interpret 'lack of spark' as 'lack of attraction', yet there was no indication that was ever an issue - as mentioned, it was very passionate. I know that it was only a short relationship, but it was so happy - not a red flag in sight - and it's not just the loss of the relationship that hurts so much, but the loss of all those future plans and the loss of the friendship. I've had loads of relationship breakups over the years, but none have hurt as much as this - even the breakups of long relationships, which I suppose I saw coming.

I haven't replied to his message and I won't. The idea of his feeling no attraction towards me and my not being good enough for him makes me feel sick, particularly as I know that he will be straight back onto Tinder and Bumble without giving me a second thought.

Please be kind to me, as I'm feeling very fragile and couldn't cope with any cruel comments. I already know that I was stupid to have trusted him, so I don't need that pointing out.

Sorry this is so long and thanks for reading x

Here's a hug @HazelCat , a big cosy one. It's not your fault, he's making up excuses to end it. I'd bet you money something happened, an old flame, someone he liked who was closer, even his DW found out. The dating apps make it too easy for people to lie, when you're 70 miles apart they know they can say anything and you won't find them out.
Take some time off dating and be kind to yourself

Poor you, I understand the heartbreak!

what I have learned though, through multiples of the same experience, is that once you’re over them, you do definitely look back and realise there were red flags or hints of some kind. Always. Even the way he’s dumped you is a red flag eg lack of consideration/empathy/kindness

you’re doing the right thing In not responding to him. Let him crack on with whatever he feels. The most unnatractive thing a man or woman can do is go begging/chasing once they’ve been binned. So well done 🥰

it’s normal go through a period of grieving for what you thought you future was gonna hold with this guy. Totally normal feelings; doesn’t matter if it was only a short relationship. In fact, lots of women say the end of a short term relationship caused them bigger heartbreak than the end of a serious long term one.

you’ll get through it. He’s shown himself to be a coward and heartless in dumping u by text; nobody wants those traits in a partner

So so sorry OP - no magic words but the pain will fade in time xx

I'm sure he did find you attractive. But saying 'no spark' is a well used reason for a break up so it's meaningless. The issue with OLD is you know nothing - there's no friends in common or even acquaintances so you have to accept what they say about themselves. Chalk it up to experience, lick your wounds and move on.

It doesn't sound at all like he didn't feel a spark. It may be that he's been pursuing other women and found someone closer to him who wants to date him. It hurts but you didn't do anything wrong.

Oh dear. That's a bit of a blow

I actually would message him back. Dignity fully intact of course, but why wouldn't you? There's nothing wrong with expressing your upset at this and how he's treated you (within reason) .. alternatively message back and puncture his ego by saying ' oh thank god you've said it first! I was working on the courage myself to say that I just want feeling it!' (Maybe not)

You say there were no red flags but he's shown quite a few of them now and in time you'll hopefully see this as a lucky escape. He probably had fingers in a few pies so this is about you, it's about him

Oh @HazelCat, here's a big hug from me. Rejection feels awful and as you've identified yourself, you're grieving the loss of a future you'd seen for yourself - a future he'd helped you conjure in your mind.

We can speculate until the cows come home about why he did this, but whatever his reasons, he's really cruel for what he did to you.

I find people these days are so careless with other people's feelings. The Internet and OLD has turned people into commodities in some men's eyes (probably women too).

You did nothing wrong.

💐OP, I'm really sorry to read that you've been treated this way and I hope you encounter someone special in the future. I can see how bewildering this is for you and how it would be hard to trust your instincts again but, in time, do think about meeting someone again.

He's behaved really badly, I think.

He has behaved really badly OP. I'm sorry you're hurting, I would be too. In time you will realise it was a lucky escape. Any man who can leave you saying 'can't wait to see you again' etc and then dump you by text in such a cold way is NOT a good partner.

I do sympathise, OP. I agree with others though who say that there's obviously a red flag with someone who can have such a complete change of heart overnight. Time will help you get over this. I wish you well.

Don't see the ' lack of spark ' comment as anything to do with you .
I immediately thought he's been looking at others during your time together and someone more convenient has turned up .
Yes it's a blow , but you will see him for what he really was in a few months.
He may try the ' miss you ' ' made a mistake ' ' let's try again ' in a few months but take satisfaction by telling him to fuck off.

Unfortunately it’s very easy for horrible people to pretend to be nice for prolonged periods of time. The man you thought you were dating was a fantasy - we can see now from the way he’s behaved that he’s not nice and you deserve better.

This is NOT your fault but of course that doesn’t help with the hurting in your heart. Just be glad you didn’t waste years on the man before he showed his true colours. Be kind to yourself, allow yourself to grieve a bit for the false future you were promised. It’s fucking horrible, mate ☹️

While he has every right to date/dump who he likes I really don’t like the way he has gone about it. Almost like he has led you on and has been cruel.

For this reason you are better off without him. I hope you don’t let this knock your self esteem- there’s no way he would have slept with you if he didn’t find you attractive so it won’t be that. He is probably just a player.

Showering someone with love and affection and then dropping them like a hot brick: It's a horrible thing to happen, and it appears to be very much a male trait. Please try not to take it too badly; you did nothing wrong.

Honestly, although some people find happiness through dating sites, Tinder et al isn't the best way to find lasting love. The received wisdom is to marry a friend, and to me that makes sense; once the heightened emotions of falling in love have subsided, in order to live together in harmony you need to have some shared interests and jointly-held opinions.

Don't actively look for love - go out with friends, join a club, volunteer, or just do anything where you'll meet new people. Networking isn't just for business people.

Been there. I thought I'd found the one and he dumped me. Then I met somebody else who seemed head over heels for me. He was full of future plans. It was a wonderful feeling considering how cold and undemonstrative my ex had been at the end. However, he went on holiday and married somebody else without even telling me. I'm not making this up! I was young, well educated, well groomed and was commonly considered "very attractive" so what wasn't there to like?

I realise now that this man was too full on, far too soon. I don't think it's anything you did. I don't think you sleeping with him on the second date made any difference. He might well have a significant other or even be married/separated with children. The way he broke up with you tells you all about what sort of man he was.

Shortly afterwards, after crying far too much, I started going out with an old friend. He was reliable, not over the top, he followed through on things and he absolutely promised not to marry somebody else on holiday. We've been married over 30 years and I still look forward to him coming home and us spending time together. You only need to find one good one. Maybe they won't have the most glamorous profession, or be an alpha male type, or they could be a bit taller or whatever. They might be a bit socially awkward. Some men who seem to have it all can be very picky and slow to settle because there is always another one on the horizon and they fully intend to enjoy themselves for years with no ticking biological clock. I'd widen my search criteria. My younger son is single and is a lovely young man - hardworking, degree educated, kind etc but he's on the short side and a lot of women want a six footer but they're missing out on a great man. (I was guilty of this myself and my husband is tall but I guess we have some short genes floating around from somewhere in the family tree.)

Has he though. He's not ghosted her, he's been succinct and to the point, brief and not full of waffle. His feelings have changed, it happens. It's only a short lived thing. Many people would hate to be told face to face. Just lick your wounds op, don't dwell on the whys and what ifs. Dust yourself off and carry on.

Big warm hug from me too OP xx

He was undoubtedly trying out other women, like someone buying a car, as he treats people as commodities. He has probably decided on one who lives nearer. Thank god he is out of your life before he could do more harm.

Bettef luck next time. I recommend taking up new hobbies and letting your friends know you wouldn’t be offended if they introduced you to their single male friends. OLD seems to encourage heartlessness.

I’d have to call him to make sure it was him and ask wtf.

Sending a virtual hug. I agree with PP that 'not that spark' is a bit of a generic excuse and certainly doesn't mean he did not find you attractive. The sudden change of attitude suggests to me that either a) he wasn't single and something has happened to make him think he will be found out if he continues or b) something has happened to make him think he has a 'better offer' lined up. A 'better offer' doesn't mean someone better than you- probably just someone more convenient or perhaps he thinks he has a chance with an ex or another woman he previously thought was unattainable. I suspect that once you get through the grief period you will see inconsistencies in what he's told you about himself and/or other red flags that you didn't notice at the time.

The most important thing to do now is make sure you do not reply if he tries to contact you again (block his number if you need to). I've had friends in similar situations where the man has contacted them months later with some sob story to excuse their behaviour and asking for another chance (eg claiming to have been hurt in the past and afraid of how strong their feelings were getting/having some sort of family crisis that meant they were not thinking straight/trying to protect the woman from a crazy ex etc). I don't know anyone who has taken the man back and it's gone well. There seems to be a certain sort of arsehole man who likes to blow hot and cold to destroy women's self esteem.

Parallels with a now deleted post I read yesterday.
Sorry he dumped you, op.
But you need to accept it and move on with your life.
If you're not compatible, it's not going to work.

Has he behaved badly? In what way?
He has been honest, and yes rejection stings but surely it’s better than stringing you along.
People can end relationships whenever they want, for whatever reason. Just try not to let it have an effect on your self-esteem. He just wasn’t the right person for you.

Bless you, I'm not surprised you are feeling hurt and very upset. How cruel of him. A massive hug from me, be kind to yourself and take time to grieve for all the plans you made and the future you thought you had together. Very well done on not replying/begging/telling him you will jump through hoops to be the person he is looking for. 💪

I hope the love of your life comes along at the right time, someone who deserves you ❤️

"We had sex on our second date (which I now realise was a BIG mistake on my part, but at the time, it felt like the right thing to do)"

OP, it doesn't matter if you have sex on a first date or wait for 6 months. My DP and I slept together on the first date (too much wine and got carried away!). It makes absolutely no difference if you both want to be together - we are all adults after all! In my previous dating past, when a bloke has ended something suddenly or gone quiet (whether we have slept together or not), I'd find out that they have gone back to an ex or started dating someone else (who was probably in the wings the whole time). Don't be too hard on yourself. It wasn't meant to be so onwards and upwards to find something decent and worthy of you!

Thank you all so much for taking the time and trouble to reply. I really do appreciate it. Your kind words have made me cry - but in a good way this time.

I visited his house on a few occasions and there were definitely no signs of a DW or live in partner. However, now I look back, there were three red flags:

1/ A couple of days after we first had sex, I looked at his Tinder profile and his bio read slightly differently from when I first saw it. There was also a photo which I hadn't seen before. I was so keen to believe that he hadn't updated it, that I convinced myself that I had mis-remembered the original wording of his bio and that I just hadn't swiped far enough on all his photos originally.

2/ Around the same time, we were chatting on the phone and I invited him to an event in a few weeks time with some friends of mine. He declined, saying 'it's too soon to meet your friends' (errrrrrrr - but not to have sex ......).

3/ On Saturday night when we were cuddling on the sofa, I gently suggested that as things were going so well, maybe we could delete/hide our Tinder and Bumble profiles (we are each on both apps, but met on Tinder). He mumbled something about not bothering to do that, as he is no longer swiping (yeah - right).

I really am kicking myself for having sex with him on our second date. If I hadn't done so, I would have maintained a much clearer head about the situation - and rather suspect that he would still be hanging around now. When we initially met for our second date, I actually had a mild case of the ick, as there were a few things about him physically, that I found unappealing (bad breath for one). However, the wine was flowing and one thing led to another. I remember thinking that it was 'safe' to have sex with him - I wasn't terribly physically attracted to him, so I thought that I wouldn't get emotionally attached. Then after the sex, I was completely besotted - huge facepalm!!!
(I do agree that it can be fine to sleep with someone early on by the way, but only if they are a decent guy)

When we were together, he really was so kind, caring, affectionate and attentive, but it's rather looking as though that was part of the game plan. We also seemed to have a great friendship, as we got on so well with lots of interests in common. But friends don't behave as he did ......

I've been well and truly played haven't I?

Having sex on a second date has nothing to do with anything. He also had sex on the second date you know!