Dumped out of the blue and totally devastated - can I have a virtual hug please?

[HazelCat]

On paper, I have my life together - nice friends, house, lots of hobbies and activities (walking, gym etc.), financially comfortable, good health etc. However, I've been single for a long time and I do feel lonely. Over the years, I've tried OLD, but it has been pretty disastrous - just a stream of the usual knobs, fuckwits etc. etc. - and I've had a ton of rejections, which has left my self esteem pretty much in the gutter.

Much to my surprise, that all changed (or so I thought), when I met a guy on Tinder a couple of months ago. He was kind, caring, attractive, intelligent, similar interests, great company - everything that I was looking for - and I really fell for him. Like me, he has no DC or other commitments (other than a demanding job), so it seemed as though we were set to have a lovely time together. The only drawback was that we live 70 miles apart (about an hour and a half's drive), but we discussed that and he said that it wasn't a problem for him. I have a lot more time on my hands than he does and I said that I was happy to do most of the travelling, which he gratefully accepted.

We got on brilliantly well and never ran out of things to talk about. He made it clear that he was looking for a long term, committed relationship and seemed to be as keen as I was. He was very affectionate with me, constantly telling me how attractive he found me (which is relevant to the story) and going to the trouble of planning lovely dates for us. When we weren't together, he was always WhatsApp-ing me with nice messages and gave every appearance of being fully engaged in our relationship. We had sex on our second date (which I now realise was a BIG mistake on my part, but at the time, it felt like the right thing to do), and it was all very passionate with chemistry aplenty (or so I naively thought).

All in all, I was on cloud nine and was utterly over the moon that my long period of bad luck had changed. How wrong I was!!!!!!

We spent last weekend together (at my house) and as always, had a lovely time. He asked me if I would spend Easter with him and talked about planning a holiday together. As he left on Sunday afternoon, his final words to me were 'I can't wait to see you again'. On Sunday evening, he sent me various nice WhatsApp messages to say that he had got home OK etc.

Then on Monday evening, I received a curt message from him to say that he has decided to end our relationship, as long distance doesn't work for him and he doesn't feel 'that spark' for me.

I'm completely devastated. Can't eat, can't sleep and can't stop crying. My self esteem has now disappeared completely and I just don't know how to cope with yet another rejection - the worst one ever, as I never saw it coming. I interpret 'lack of spark' as 'lack of attraction', yet there was no indication that was ever an issue - as mentioned, it was very passionate. I know that it was only a short relationship, but it was so happy - not a red flag in sight - and it's not just the loss of the relationship that hurts so much, but the loss of all those future plans and the loss of the friendship. I've had loads of relationship breakups over the years, but none have hurt as much as this - even the breakups of long relationships, which I suppose I saw coming.

I haven't replied to his message and I won't. The idea of his feeling no attraction towards me and my not being good enough for him makes me feel sick, particularly as I know that he will be straight back onto Tinder and Bumble without giving me a second thought.

Please be kind to me, as I'm feeling very fragile and couldn't cope with any cruel comments. I already know that I was stupid to have trusted him, so I don't need that pointing out.

Sorry this is so long and thanks for reading x

No, it wasn't me posting yesterday. I could barely get out of bed and wouldn't have been able to stop crying for the length of time it would have taken to make a post x

I'm so sorry this has happened, you sound lovely. Such a massive shock based on his prior behaviour; you're response is normal. I'm really impressed at you not replying to his message, that takes great strength.
Also don't beat yourself up about the sex on 2nd date thing, I very much doubt that's relevant here.
I hope you have some friends or family to talk to.

I really must stress that I think it's absolutely fine to have sex on a second date, or indeed a first date. Fill your boots!

Unfortunately though, I always get very attached when I have sex with someone and it impairs my judgement, which is bad news when they are a wrong'un. So for me personally, I do better if I wait - much as I would love to have sex early on.

Sending you a virtual hug and sending him a virtual middle finger! 🤗

Well, based on your second post, it's great you've remembered his bad breath and the fact that you weren't wildly physically attracted to him before you slept with him, and the more significant fact that he showed several indications that he wasn't committed, or hadn't stopped using Tinder.

This is Nature's way of reminding you that there was life before him, and there will be lots of life after him, even if you feel absolutely ghastly now.

From what you say, he was still doing OLD on the side, even while he was genuinely interested in you, and someone else showed up closer to home. 'No spark' is just generic -- don't take it personally. This says nothing about your attractiveness or your worth.

Focus on his bad breath, and the ick you felt on your second date. This was nor Mr Perfect.

And you've actually had a great, useful lesson from one element of this -- now that you know you fall for someone, despite their breath, after you've slept together, you'll be aware of this for next time, and think more carefully about timing the relationship becoming sexual. I'm generally in favour of sleeping with someone immediately (in case they turn out to be bad in bed after you've fallen for them), but not in your case!

Chin up, OP. Be kind to yourself.

Thank you OriginalBirds. I'm going to try to focus on the icks - of which there were actually quite a few (won't detail them here though, as you may be eating your lunch - halitosis is bad enough!)

I have no doubt that he has met someone else on Tinder and it hurts so much to think of him love bombing her in the same way that he did me.

Next time - if there is a next time - I won't be having sex with anyone unless I know for definite that they are not active on a dating app. It's just too painful otherwise.

And I'll do my best to avoid anyone with stinky breath! x

Oh op I'm sorry. That abrupt ending can leave you reeling. I've been there.

He's not what he seems and you'll be over him much quicker than you expect. You did nothing wrong, you were just unfortunate.

Hugs.

Sending huge hugs.

He’s not who you thought he was.

But it’s not the ick, it’s not the 2nd date sex, or not meeting friends, it’s not something you could have foreseen.

He dropped you after no 3- you suggesting coming off dating sites.

He was after no strings fun, but just didn’t want to say it out loud. He’s probably reassuring himself he’s a good guy because he does want to settle down- eventually, when he’s bored with all the possibilities out there.

I don’t think you can avoid the pillocks sadly. Though randomly saying no is a good start.

Never underestimate the horror of bad breath and, yes, don't reply!

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Sending you hugs. Honestly heartbreak is one of the most horrible emotions a human can feel.
I am going through a bit of heartbreak myself at the moment after a 2 month relationship abruptly ended. I think these short relationships can hurt more because we are in the honeymoon period and it feels like they haven't filled out their potential. I am definitely more hurt over this than my last long relationship which just ran its course.
How cruel of him to be so upbeat and attentive one day and then call the whole thing off the next day, like Jekyll and Hyde. No one could have forseen that, please don't blame yourself.
Unfortunately we can't rush heartbreak, it just has to play out. But I hope it goes super quick for you.

Thank you so much for this.

I rather suspect that you may have hit the nail on the head. Looks as though he wanted to string me along while he looked for someone better, but I forced his hand by mentioning the elephant in the room.

On Tinder, he stated that he was looking for a long term partner, which was one of the reasons why I swiped right on him. But if course, anyone can state any old bollocks if it makes it easier to get a shag ....... x

Hi Op,

I really resonate. I was with a bloke for six months who drove the relationship along (I met his family, mates, stayed twice a week etc). 3 weeks after a holiday we went on at his instigation, he pulled the slow fade. When confronted he told me his feelings had never really developed for me past getting to know me at the start. Oh! And we live 5 minutes away, so no issues there. The coldness and the shock left me feeling gut punched, as much as I can and do respect his decision. I still find it hard to trust a connection with romantic prospects 7 months on. But it’s made me wise.

Anyway, back to you. What I took from my experience is that anyone who can do such a massive switcheroo is not someone worth hanging onto. A. Because they clearly can’t communicate with you in the spirit of whatever is bothering them about the dynamic and B. Because it’s horrible to build intimacy with someone if you supposedly don’t feel strongly about them. For God’s sake let them go or don’t let it get too far along.

This would have happened regardless of when you had sex with him, too, so I hope you don’t beat yourself up about that. Instead, zero in on those icks you’ve identified and remind yourself that this is a lucky escape dressed in horrible packaging. The reasons - whatever they may be - don’t matter. This tinderella isn’t a safe bet and he will some other woman’s problem soon enough.

And as for the posters lamenting he did nothing wrong and telling you to simply get over it, I hope someone extends a little kindness to them - or the women in their lives - should they find themselves at the receiving end of someone’s sudden change of heart. It’s ok to feel very sad about a connection you thought had promise. Look after you and don’t look back.

OLD is FULL of complete fakes pretending to want a relationship just to get a shag and literally the minute they get this they lose interest and move on to the next victim.In fact this has been going on since the dawn of time but OLD has given these creeps way more opportunity. Iv been here. It’s so hard to trust. They are so convincing. I’m really sorry this has happened to you, I know the pain. Huge hugs. What a scummy man. He sounds an exceptionally bad one -the last one I dated was like this. Seemed so lovely & involved. Cowardly wastes of spaces that can’t have the decency to just be upfront and will hide behind their phone screens once miles away to drop you like a tonne of bricks. But hey- aren’t they so considerate & kind they didn’t just ghost you?? FFS. Selfish inauthentic losers.
Give yourself time to heal & recover then dust yourself off and pick yourself up xxx

I think as others have said it's that someone else has been around who he also likes and is more on the doorstep - it's not you !

Thank you for your lovely empathic post @Getitgirl and I'm so sorry for what you have been through, which must have been horrific. I really have no idea what makes these men act the way they do. It's so evil to toy with someone's feelings in such a callous manner.
As with you, it was him driving the relationship and planning all our dates, which led me into a false sense of security. I really trusted him, which made the final switcheroo all the more devastating x

"phew, thank god it wasn't just me"

And then block.

The mature thing is to just block him of course. And NEVER drunk dial him again.

You are so right @wellhello24 - these men are absolute scumbags and OLD is sadly full of them. I will find it hard to trust anyone again - which actually in the circumstances, may not be a bad thing!

To be honest, I would rather have been ghosted (and I have been on the receiving end of a ghosting on what feels like hundreds of occasions, so I know what I'm talking about). Seeing that message on my phone on Monday was just horrific. It took me a while to believe what I was reading and it just wouldn't sink in. At the risk of sounding over dramatic, I felt contaminated by seeing such a message. At least with a ghosting, you can convince yourself that they have died (halitosis induced self combustion maybe .....) x

Haha - brilliant!

As others have said op this isn’t about you at all. He’s just a player and lied to you about wanting a long term relationship.

There are so many of these men in their 30s,40s, 50s doing this. Basically they are high school boys who lead women along to get them in to bed and then dump them.

Dishonourable and cowardly.

I’m afraid I have a member of my extended family who does this. Nice chap in many ways but had a fucked up childhood and is massively scared of commitment. And likes an easy no-strings life. Also has an ego and likes other men to know he’s having great sex. Love bombs women. Shows them a great time. Talks about their future to keep them hooked. Does the old future mini-break trick.

Sleeps with them a lot, then three to six months in, dumps them. Rinse and repeat. We used to meet up with him as a foursome at the local pub but I’ve told him I’m not participating any more as I don’t want to be part of the deception.

It’s probably best you don’t reply as you have already decided but these players just seem to get away with it Scot free don’t they? Hope they die alone and friendless changing their own adult nappies but they’ll probably get married just as they start to need being looked after.

I think I would be tempted to reply “good luck polishing your lies for the next one” but there’s no point is there?

Hope you are ok op. 🌼🌼🌼
Look on the bright side. You’ve swerved a bullet.

Love bombs women. Shows them a great time. Talks about their future to keep them hooked. Does the old future mini-break trick.

Sleeps with them a lot, then three to six months in, dumps them. Rinse and repeat.

Sounds familiar. I certainly fell for the old 'future mini break' trick.

He told me that he has never had a relationship last for more than six months (at the age of 42), which at the time I thought was a plus, as it meant that he had no baggage. How stupid I was, when it was actually a massive red flag!! x

I agree with you, having sex so early ramps up the intimacy for a lot of people and almost places things on fast forward.
I think he has behaved badly, with what you have described a phone call should have been in order. Also fair enough someone breaking it off but to have NO idea is bizarre. To go from I can't wait to see you, lets plan a holiday and Easter together to nah I'm not feeling it over night is absolutely leading someone on. In my day you knew it was coming a mile off . Seems to be a modern thing now where you love bomb until you ghost.. dump !

Big cardigan hugs here from me too, HazelCat.

Please don't let this donut change you. It hurts like hell, but it hurts because you are a nice, trusting person and not a cold-blooded arsehole.

Would it help if I tracked him down and put itching powder in his pants?

Ah no, list the icks!!

And truly, it isn't YOU that's the problem.

Absolutely! The very worst thing was being dumped completely out of the blue with no warning. I had been on a high all day on Monday, because the weekend had been so wonderful. I had even told some friends who I met for lunch how happy I was. Messaging them later that night to say that I had been dumped felt so humiliating. I have been the victim of a slow fade before, which is awful, but at least you are prepared for the worst. But being blindsided is beyond painful x