Dumped out of the blue and totally devastated - can I have a virtual hug please?

[HazelCat]

On paper, I have my life together - nice friends, house, lots of hobbies and activities (walking, gym etc.), financially comfortable, good health etc. However, I've been single for a long time and I do feel lonely. Over the years, I've tried OLD, but it has been pretty disastrous - just a stream of the usual knobs, fuckwits etc. etc. - and I've had a ton of rejections, which has left my self esteem pretty much in the gutter.

Much to my surprise, that all changed (or so I thought), when I met a guy on Tinder a couple of months ago. He was kind, caring, attractive, intelligent, similar interests, great company - everything that I was looking for - and I really fell for him. Like me, he has no DC or other commitments (other than a demanding job), so it seemed as though we were set to have a lovely time together. The only drawback was that we live 70 miles apart (about an hour and a half's drive), but we discussed that and he said that it wasn't a problem for him. I have a lot more time on my hands than he does and I said that I was happy to do most of the travelling, which he gratefully accepted.

We got on brilliantly well and never ran out of things to talk about. He made it clear that he was looking for a long term, committed relationship and seemed to be as keen as I was. He was very affectionate with me, constantly telling me how attractive he found me (which is relevant to the story) and going to the trouble of planning lovely dates for us. When we weren't together, he was always WhatsApp-ing me with nice messages and gave every appearance of being fully engaged in our relationship. We had sex on our second date (which I now realise was a BIG mistake on my part, but at the time, it felt like the right thing to do), and it was all very passionate with chemistry aplenty (or so I naively thought).

All in all, I was on cloud nine and was utterly over the moon that my long period of bad luck had changed. How wrong I was!!!!!!

We spent last weekend together (at my house) and as always, had a lovely time. He asked me if I would spend Easter with him and talked about planning a holiday together. As he left on Sunday afternoon, his final words to me were 'I can't wait to see you again'. On Sunday evening, he sent me various nice WhatsApp messages to say that he had got home OK etc.

Then on Monday evening, I received a curt message from him to say that he has decided to end our relationship, as long distance doesn't work for him and he doesn't feel 'that spark' for me.

I'm completely devastated. Can't eat, can't sleep and can't stop crying. My self esteem has now disappeared completely and I just don't know how to cope with yet another rejection - the worst one ever, as I never saw it coming. I interpret 'lack of spark' as 'lack of attraction', yet there was no indication that was ever an issue - as mentioned, it was very passionate. I know that it was only a short relationship, but it was so happy - not a red flag in sight - and it's not just the loss of the relationship that hurts so much, but the loss of all those future plans and the loss of the friendship. I've had loads of relationship breakups over the years, but none have hurt as much as this - even the breakups of long relationships, which I suppose I saw coming.

I haven't replied to his message and I won't. The idea of his feeling no attraction towards me and my not being good enough for him makes me feel sick, particularly as I know that he will be straight back onto Tinder and Bumble without giving me a second thought.

Please be kind to me, as I'm feeling very fragile and couldn't cope with any cruel comments. I already know that I was stupid to have trusted him, so I don't need that pointing out.

Sorry this is so long and thanks for reading x

Looking back, I think I was craving physical closeness rather than sex

Take this experience as a good lesson. Instead of wondering if a man likes you, ask yourself if you like him, and then act accordingly. If it's physical closeness you crave, you don't need to pay for this with sex - sex that will ultimately make you feel physically isolated and used. Accept that it may take time to build that sort of physical relationship with someone. If he tells you his breath smells because he's ill, you say, that's so sad. I hope you get effective treatment soon so that you're able to start dating again. Because who the fuck expects to gets dates and kisses when their breath smells bad? Would you?

Before you meet someone new, make a list of what exactly you're looking for. E.g. he's a gentleman, he offers to pay, he listens, he's pleasant to the bar staff, he laughs at my jokes, he pays me compliments, he smells nice, he makes an effort - whatever it is. Work on your list. Make sure that you include everything that's important to you. And then if the man fails any of these criteria, walk away. And if he does anything that you don't like, even if it's not on your list, walk away. Dates are supposed to be a time when you're showing up as the absolute best version of yourself, so if the best version of this person is rude or weird or unpleasant in any way, you don't give them another chance.

If you feel you can't walk away, then work on yourself first before dating. You need to be able to trust yourself that you will put your own needs and desires first and foremost.

It's tough feeling lonely, but ultimately these kinds of experiences can damage and diminish you, and leave you feeling even lonelier. Instead of trying to change yourself into a 'bad bitch' who doesn't care (you would only be pretending, anyway) strengthen your self love and boundaries so that you are only pursuing dates and relationships with men who are meeting your needs and desires. Don't settle for anything less. Why should you?

Thanks for this @taylorswift1989 . Your post really resonates.

I'm hopeless at walking away from relationships that don't serve me, as I always think that I will never find anyone else and that this is my last chance. And I'm always worried about whether they like me or not, without stopping to reflect on whether or not I like them.

So I have a lot of work to do on myself.

I like the idea of making a list of deal breakers - good for concentrating the mind and getting things into perspective xx

@HazelCat you sound great! Self aware, articulate, intelligent, funny. You deserve so much more.

What an absolutely evil little twat. I'm reaching here but just trying to be useful - is it possible that he thought he wasn't getting much back (he said he messaged you that he got home ok, he cant't wait see you again etc, etc...) it sounded like there was quite a lot of contact form his end - is it possible he was trying to get more out of you? Perhaps he has misread you as passive and disinterested? Still makes him a complete muppet.

EWW! In that case it sounds like a no-brainer - why are you even bothered? 😂that would put me off the best of them and no new girl is going go for it either.

Are these men mentally unstable?

Either evil or mental is what I'd say. We're talking about him changing his mind since Sunday. That's not normal.

Ah - thank you so much @PersephonePomegranate . What a lovely thing to say x

I probably didn't describe it very well, but I always responded to contact from him very enthusiastically, so he can't have been in any doubt that I liked him.

Mind you - it may not have done any harm had I been passive and disinterested. May have kept him keen. The thrill of the chase and all that! x

@taylorswift1989 - your post is great. I have actually screenshot that for myself so I can keep reading it to help me navigate the horrendous world of OLD!

I’m sorry you had this experience OP. You sound lovely. I hope you meet someone amazing with sweet-smelling breath.

Don’t let this Twat change your behaviour too much in future relationships- continue being you. Other than making sure you protect yourself more from emotional pain or being used.

That one definitely was! He was a cockwomble of the first order

@HazelCat it's important that you know these things about yourself and believe them. Sometimes, hearing them from a complete stranger with no attachment to you impacts more than from your friends and family somehow.

Thank you. Ten years later I have a wonderful partner and two beautiful children, so it was a good thing that it happened. Someone worthwhile is waiting for you too x

@HazelCat

You said upthread that he had 3 non attractive features to chose to 're name him on your phone - I'm suggesting - McFarty Microknob Smellybreath.

@HazelCat heartbreak is shit at any age. So, hugs to you. I don’t think it’s a bad girl versus a good girl thing, more to do with having good boundaries for yourself. Those ‘bad’ girls you know might just be good at establishing those boundaries and to others, they may seem like a bitch.

For example, I had a lovely first date with a guy. On our second date, he brought his dog and we went for a country walk. Look, I love animals but his dog was so badly behaved! It was sweet with humans (kept trying to hump my leg) but went for every dog it met on the walk, and when we went to the pub afterwards, it whined the whole way through our lunch. I decided I did not want that in my life and I dumped the guy after that! I’m sure he was quite confused as to why as I never said it was his dog… To me, it’s not the dog that was the problem, it was that he could not be bothered to train it. I just saw it as an indication of a lazy streak in him… a friend of mine whom I told this story to said at first she thought I was really harsh but actually on second thoughts, I was absolutely right, who wants a badly behaved dog (and irresponsible owner!) in their life?!!!

Anyway, I tell that story because I am honestly the nicest person you could meet but I don’t put up with shit. Not anymore! I never have had a shortage of men (even now in my late 40s). I’m done people pleasing. I’ve been dating my boyfriend now for 5 months. He has never given me anything but consistency from day 1. Never love bombed me but tells me he feels lucky to have met me. And we are progressing at a pace we are both comfortable with. I’m really enjoying myself. But I have a full life outside of him. I’m a firm believer of you can fall in love at any age, plenty of men out there… never adapt a scarcity approach when it comes to men! Best of luck!

OP, I promise there's no shortage of men out there! Get out of the scarcity mindset because as you've seen, that will have you settling for men you don't even really like. Take time away from dating to work on yourself, then come back knowing exactly what you do and don't want, and having made a cast iron commitment to yourself to never let your standards down ever again. Good men want women who have confidence and high self esteem, who know their minds and don't change to please others. It will take longer to find someone worth dating, but it will be worth it in the end!

O love ❤️ please don’t take this as your failure. He really sounds like a bad egg. Future faking.
please don’t let this experience pull you down xxx

I'm glad it resonated! It's all learned from experience, unfortunately!!

I’m sorry OP

its really hurtful and please believe me , the hurt will fade in time .

my guess is he’s avoidant and found a shiny new toy that was closer by . Literally that -
he’ll dump her

gold star for not replying btw
this will drive him nuts
he’ll be releived initially but it will nag him

best thing to to is delete him (and delete the messages as you need to heal and not read them ) and block him on any social media
the best way to heal is to eradicate sight of them

I also suspect he will crawl back at some stage

Look after yourself , this isn’t you , you arnt flawed - this dating pain is universal

and another gold ⭐️ for not replying

Love the suggestion! I'm a bit concerned about giving too much away and outing the guy, but let's just say that McFlabbyGut HairyGorillaBack StinkyBreath would not be entirely inaccurate (there are actually more than three non-attractive features, otherwise I would have got back to you earlier- it just took me a while to select the three out of far too many choices .....) x

Great post @TwoBoysTooMany76

I really like your attitude. It's good to nip these situations in the bud before they can progress. I do tend to suffer from 'one-itis' and get far too attached to people early on, on the grounds that no-one else will turn up. You are an inspiration not to do that!

And I hope that your new relationship continues to progress well. So pleased that you are enjoying it and having such a nice time x

With apologies to gorillas of course, who are perfectly nice animals x

I think you're spot on with this. I think if you're approaching dating like a race that needs to be won, or an ordeal that you have to go through until you get a man in the bag so your life can start at the altar, it's going to feel like a horrendous ordeal, absolutely.

If you can approach it as something fun that you do, a bit like a weekly game of tennis, and think to yourself that you're going to meet some new humans for an hour and one drink now and again, and implement that bullshit filter you won't get to the point of wondering whether to sleep with them on the second date, driving for miles all over the show and then feeling duped. You'll have binned Mr Bad Breath off after an hour and the first drink. You won't be doing this because you are fussy, but because you value your time and have standards because you know what you want.

You will find someone, but it needs to be someone that adds to your life, not someone that fills a vacancy. There is no last chance, it's really not how it works, and a lot of the women on here having major difficulties with shitty husbands and kids in tow, married them due to this mindset. That's the fast forward of turning a blind eye to bad breath, gorilla back, etc and still be able to describe the physical encounters as passionate. Something's not right there, he was physically quite repulsive to you by the sounds of things, yet you were telling yourself a story and ignoring your own feelings in order to keep the show on the road. That has to stop if you want to be in a relationship that you don't have to sacrifice yourself to be in and end up wondering how you got there down the line.

Spend as much time as you can on find out what you want, and work on being able to start to hear your own voice and tune into what feels truly right. Deal breakers are all great, but think about operating from a place of what you want, as well as what you don't.