Dumped out of the blue and totally devastated - can I have a virtual hug please?

[HazelCat]

On paper, I have my life together - nice friends, house, lots of hobbies and activities (walking, gym etc.), financially comfortable, good health etc. However, I've been single for a long time and I do feel lonely. Over the years, I've tried OLD, but it has been pretty disastrous - just a stream of the usual knobs, fuckwits etc. etc. - and I've had a ton of rejections, which has left my self esteem pretty much in the gutter.

Much to my surprise, that all changed (or so I thought), when I met a guy on Tinder a couple of months ago. He was kind, caring, attractive, intelligent, similar interests, great company - everything that I was looking for - and I really fell for him. Like me, he has no DC or other commitments (other than a demanding job), so it seemed as though we were set to have a lovely time together. The only drawback was that we live 70 miles apart (about an hour and a half's drive), but we discussed that and he said that it wasn't a problem for him. I have a lot more time on my hands than he does and I said that I was happy to do most of the travelling, which he gratefully accepted.

We got on brilliantly well and never ran out of things to talk about. He made it clear that he was looking for a long term, committed relationship and seemed to be as keen as I was. He was very affectionate with me, constantly telling me how attractive he found me (which is relevant to the story) and going to the trouble of planning lovely dates for us. When we weren't together, he was always WhatsApp-ing me with nice messages and gave every appearance of being fully engaged in our relationship. We had sex on our second date (which I now realise was a BIG mistake on my part, but at the time, it felt like the right thing to do), and it was all very passionate with chemistry aplenty (or so I naively thought).

All in all, I was on cloud nine and was utterly over the moon that my long period of bad luck had changed. How wrong I was!!!!!!

We spent last weekend together (at my house) and as always, had a lovely time. He asked me if I would spend Easter with him and talked about planning a holiday together. As he left on Sunday afternoon, his final words to me were 'I can't wait to see you again'. On Sunday evening, he sent me various nice WhatsApp messages to say that he had got home OK etc.

Then on Monday evening, I received a curt message from him to say that he has decided to end our relationship, as long distance doesn't work for him and he doesn't feel 'that spark' for me.

I'm completely devastated. Can't eat, can't sleep and can't stop crying. My self esteem has now disappeared completely and I just don't know how to cope with yet another rejection - the worst one ever, as I never saw it coming. I interpret 'lack of spark' as 'lack of attraction', yet there was no indication that was ever an issue - as mentioned, it was very passionate. I know that it was only a short relationship, but it was so happy - not a red flag in sight - and it's not just the loss of the relationship that hurts so much, but the loss of all those future plans and the loss of the friendship. I've had loads of relationship breakups over the years, but none have hurt as much as this - even the breakups of long relationships, which I suppose I saw coming.

I haven't replied to his message and I won't. The idea of his feeling no attraction towards me and my not being good enough for him makes me feel sick, particularly as I know that he will be straight back onto Tinder and Bumble without giving me a second thought.

Please be kind to me, as I'm feeling very fragile and couldn't cope with any cruel comments. I already know that I was stupid to have trusted him, so I don't need that pointing out.

Sorry this is so long and thanks for reading x

Just concentrate on the bad breath. That should be enough to clear your head of him x

@HopeInAJar I'm going to frame your post and hang it on my wall.

I have always been that eager to please 'Tuesday night girl' who offers to do all the travelling and running around - heaven forbid that any precious, delicate man should be put to the slightest inconvenience.

From now on, I want to behave like your fabulous friend!!!

This made me lol 🤣🤣🤣

His rank breath could clear drains, so in theory it should be a doddle to clear my head.

Love your username @Morecatsarebetter and I quite agree that they are!

Aah thank you @HazelCat Yep they sure are. Clear drains!!! 🤣🤣🤣 Lucky escape. Xx

Something very similar happened to me ten years ago with a guy I met on Plenty of Fish. We spent months dating, had a great connection, and he was constantly cuddling me, telling me how amazing I was, just really loving and affectionate. I fell absolutely head over heels in love and genuinely thought he felt the same. Then one morning in bed, right after sex while we were all cuddled up, he said he had something to tell me and got all shy and started stumbling over his words. I really thought he was about to tell me he loved me for the first time. Nope, he said he liked me but didn't love me and was worried I was falling in love with him. It hit me like a sledgehammer, it was completely out of the blue. I was devastated and spent months crying and unable to eat. At the time I told myself he was still a great guy, just being honest and it couldn't be helped. Now I look back and thin what an absolute wanker he was. He absolutely strung me along, letting me believe he had strong feelings for me, cuddling in and being so affectionate and caring, when really, it was sex on tap so easy to keep me hanging.

OP I think the biggest red flag is that at 42 he hadn't had any long term relationships.
I have 2 sons in their early 40's and they both had several long term relationships before they settled with their current partners. When I think about their friends they are all quite similar
There is something obviously not quite right going on here, I think you've had a lucky escape, he doesn't appear to have any staying power😉
I'm intrigued were you going to suggest he altered or upped his dental hygiene routine?🤔

I agree @HazelBite

My DD had a year relationship with someone who had only had a series of short relationships before. His mother had been married 7 times, I am not joking here! He was the only child as a result of marriage 3 or 4, can't remember.

Well.... you can imagine, as Mum I was thinking... oh shit, this is going to be a disaster
Yep. It was. He broke her heart. He was a serial philanderer basically. She didn't date for years after that but now is living with the most wonderful guy imaginable. Phew!

Ha! You made me laugh there, that's what I used to call myself - " the Tuesday night girl "!!! You go woman - channel your inner goddess ice queen, that's what I'll be doing when the times right. Why not turn the tables for once and let them work hard for YOU. And when you're certain they're the real deal, you can drop your guard and let all your genuine loveliness come out.

OP, I recommend you get some therapy. I appreciate you're getting a lot of supportive messages on here, but there is something really upsetting about you being willing to have sex with a man who had already given you the ick with his disgusting bad breath. Why did you do that? How were you able to put your own instincts aside so readily? Did you even say, "I need you to brush your teeth before I kiss you?" Why are you willing to accept such horrible disrespect and lack of effort before you slept with him? Why would you want to get so close with someone who you didn't like, and why would you invest so much emotionally in that person?

I'm not saying this in judgement - I think many of us have been somewhere like this at some point in our lives. I know I have. But it took years of work, including therapy and counselling, to start raising my self esteem, self love, and boundaries.

You can put all the blame on this guy if you want, and he does sound like a dick, but the truth is you allowed him to do this to you. So if you really want to make sure you never end up in this kind of situation again, you need to take responsibility for your own choices.

Ultimately, speaking from experience, what hurts the most is not the other person's rejection, but the way you betrayed and abandoned yourself. That's what you need to work through if you want to heal from this.

There's no requirement to be any kind of 'bad girl' whatsoever, whatever that means but it's certainly worth women in general reflecting on the fact that people-pleasing, whether it's friends, family or a romantic/sexual partner, is counter-productive.

The people-pleaser runs herself (and it usually is herself) ragged, often, consciously or unconsciously resenting the hell out of it, and the person they are supposedly 'pleasing' has no respect for them, because they can see they are unboundaried, have low self-esteem and are abject in their desire to be liked.

Big hugs from me too OP.

I’ve been on Mumsnet for many years, under different usernames, and I’ve never seen SO many posts similar to this, until fairly recently.

I know MN has more members and more people use dating Apps, but the behaviour of men towards women (way less so vice versa), has reached new depths of awfulness than I’ve ever known in my life.

I'm glad you're not going to respond. That will make him more mad than if you wrote a scathing message.

Certainly don't mention his bad breath - let him approach woman after woman and get rejected for that.

I'm really surprised you slept with him given his bad breath, though. I couldn't do that at all.

I get what you're saying @OriginalBirds - I guess what I'm getting at is there is a middle ground between doormat and bitch, and without going to either of those extremes you shouldn't change who you are fundamentally to cater to or attract potential partners.

Because no relationship worth having is built on pretence.

Having said that, I do agree with you that people-pleasing is counterproductive AND very hard to break out of. Part of that difficulty is learning that having boundaries and standards doesn't make you a 'bad girl', and that bending over backwards to accommodate others isn't necessary to make you a 'good girl'.

But they don't "finish last" in the case of @HazelCat and this guy. She's better off without him as he is a loser.

@HazelCat @Morecatsarebetter You don't want to know how many cats I have!

Reading this thread OP and my first thought is what made you decide to have sex with someone you’ve admitted gave you the ick, had bad breath and you wasn’t attracted to? As you’ve said that once you have sex, you get emotionally connected, surely your instinct would be not to sleep with someone you didn’t feel an attraction for?

Not judging btw as we’ve all done stupid things with the wrong men but maybe something to ponder on and take forward fir future dates

So, realistically, if this had continued, how long do you think it would have been before you called it off? (obviously in a much kinder way)

He was playing you, but you would, sooner or later, not be able to put up with the icks. Weren't they really bad enough NOW, thinking back?

if you're a ' tougher ', ' put yourself first' , less accommodating and " nice " type either the man in question would bend like the wind and try harder to "woo" ( and yes, I've seen it too many times not to believe a LOT of men prefer the chase ) OR the woman would fuck him off in the very beginning at the first sign of a red flag or anything they deem unacceptable ( e.g poor hygiene!). No feelings hurt or wounded emotions - the woman's in control from the start. So, sorry but yep, nice girls do finish last. But I do agree, onwards and upwards for the OP. I hope she meets someone bloody amazing!

OP he didn’t send that break up text because you slept with him too soon, got too emotionally attached, mentioned coming off OLD, are too nice, or payed for a night out.
He did it because he is a love-bombing, future-faking arsehole who probably loves the affirming drama he usually gets after behaving like this.

At 42 with no long term relationships, the issues lie squarely with him.

Promise you, you have swerved one here and thankfully he’s far enough away you won’t bump into him again. Never respond to the inevitable hoovering attempts that will occur in a couple of weeks or so.

💐

With most men it seems nice girls don't finish last - they don't get to finish at all, while the bloke lies back and says 'that was great'.

Haha love that!

Thanks you so much for this @taylorswift1989 and also @SamW98 who touched on the same issue.

I do have poor self esteem and boundaries and am so flattered when someone pays me attention that I don't like saying no. This is clearly something that I need to work on.

On the night that we had sex for the first time, we had returned from a lovely meal out, the wine was flowing and our conversation was brilliant so it was just something that I fell into really. Looking back, I think I was craving physical closeness rather than sex - I certainly wasn't overcome with lust. It almost felt that it would have been bad manners to have insisted on sleeping in the spare room (yes - I know ......). As a result of the wine, I was able to overlook the bad breath and his other less than desirable physical characteristics (I'm not exactly in possession of a perfect bod myself, although I do practice good dental hygiene!). But in retrospect I should have kept a clear head and headed off to bed alone.

Oh - and he disclosed that he has a medical issue (stomach related), which I suspect may account for the bad breath. So the stinky breath may not respond to teeth cleaning.

But that is a problem for his new lady .....

Oh - you poor thing @IrisM22 . What a devastating experience.

I hope that you are now happily with someone lovely who values and deserves you xx