Dumped out of the blue and totally devastated - can I have a virtual hug please?

[HazelCat]

On paper, I have my life together - nice friends, house, lots of hobbies and activities (walking, gym etc.), financially comfortable, good health etc. However, I've been single for a long time and I do feel lonely. Over the years, I've tried OLD, but it has been pretty disastrous - just a stream of the usual knobs, fuckwits etc. etc. - and I've had a ton of rejections, which has left my self esteem pretty much in the gutter.

Much to my surprise, that all changed (or so I thought), when I met a guy on Tinder a couple of months ago. He was kind, caring, attractive, intelligent, similar interests, great company - everything that I was looking for - and I really fell for him. Like me, he has no DC or other commitments (other than a demanding job), so it seemed as though we were set to have a lovely time together. The only drawback was that we live 70 miles apart (about an hour and a half's drive), but we discussed that and he said that it wasn't a problem for him. I have a lot more time on my hands than he does and I said that I was happy to do most of the travelling, which he gratefully accepted.

We got on brilliantly well and never ran out of things to talk about. He made it clear that he was looking for a long term, committed relationship and seemed to be as keen as I was. He was very affectionate with me, constantly telling me how attractive he found me (which is relevant to the story) and going to the trouble of planning lovely dates for us. When we weren't together, he was always WhatsApp-ing me with nice messages and gave every appearance of being fully engaged in our relationship. We had sex on our second date (which I now realise was a BIG mistake on my part, but at the time, it felt like the right thing to do), and it was all very passionate with chemistry aplenty (or so I naively thought).

All in all, I was on cloud nine and was utterly over the moon that my long period of bad luck had changed. How wrong I was!!!!!!

We spent last weekend together (at my house) and as always, had a lovely time. He asked me if I would spend Easter with him and talked about planning a holiday together. As he left on Sunday afternoon, his final words to me were 'I can't wait to see you again'. On Sunday evening, he sent me various nice WhatsApp messages to say that he had got home OK etc.

Then on Monday evening, I received a curt message from him to say that he has decided to end our relationship, as long distance doesn't work for him and he doesn't feel 'that spark' for me.

I'm completely devastated. Can't eat, can't sleep and can't stop crying. My self esteem has now disappeared completely and I just don't know how to cope with yet another rejection - the worst one ever, as I never saw it coming. I interpret 'lack of spark' as 'lack of attraction', yet there was no indication that was ever an issue - as mentioned, it was very passionate. I know that it was only a short relationship, but it was so happy - not a red flag in sight - and it's not just the loss of the relationship that hurts so much, but the loss of all those future plans and the loss of the friendship. I've had loads of relationship breakups over the years, but none have hurt as much as this - even the breakups of long relationships, which I suppose I saw coming.

I haven't replied to his message and I won't. The idea of his feeling no attraction towards me and my not being good enough for him makes me feel sick, particularly as I know that he will be straight back onto Tinder and Bumble without giving me a second thought.

Please be kind to me, as I'm feeling very fragile and couldn't cope with any cruel comments. I already know that I was stupid to have trusted him, so I don't need that pointing out.

Sorry this is so long and thanks for reading x

I’m so sorry. I had a similar experience years ago where a man I worked with took a shine to me. I had already been seeing someone else casually that I liked and he knew this and went all out to woo me and convince me to date him instead. Stupidly my head was turned and I decided to end things with the other guy and I became besotted with this new prick. He soon left the company and then after the second time we had sex he dumped me and wouldn’t respond to my messages. I felt like such an idiot. I was devestated at the time and so humiliated but honestly it got soooooo much better. I realised he was actually a total wanker and my friends all confessed they couldn’t stand him. I was just too blinded by his charm.

@HazelCat - you do sound lovely OP. Sorry this has happened to you. It's him, not you.

People like him usually end up pretty lonely though. Just keep thinking about that bad breath of his, someone much better will come along.

Nope. I'm a woman.

He misled you as to who he is, and what he wanted. It is a pretty normal reaction to being rejected to feel as you do right now. In time, you will hopefully understand that he has a deep rooted psychological problem. It was his free choice to walk away from a relationship if that is what he chooses. The way he did it rather points towards who he is, his personality flaws and priorities. It is callous to promise someone the world one day, and run off the next. Sorry to say, but nothing he told you from day one was true. With distance, there was an opportunity for him to date many people without your knowledge. He may have huge financial troubles impacting his budget for fuel to see you. Whatever he told you of himself, you will never know how much was rooted in truth or his own fantasy or selling a version of himself to you to keep you interested. The bottom line is this was an unstable, unreliable man who had no regard for your feelings. He is a user, callous, and he may come back when his latest muse proves boring to his ego. Ignore him, block him on every channel and know this was nothing to do with you and your conduct. He will have form for behaving this way, time and time again. A lucky escape for you. Single is better than being with a fake time-waster.

Just keep thinking of that bad breath - you’ll soon get over him!

People are allowed to change their minds though. They'd known each other a matter of weeks. He may have meant it at the time but then changed his mind. I'm not necessarily defending him, as I can't stand men as a rule but I really do think referring to him as evil is ridiculous.

Dating apps really are grim and seem to have brought out the worst in a lot of men.

An interesting observation I have made is the bitchier I am to guys on dating apps the more interested they seem to be. They seem to lap it up which is odd...

I feel like if you show a nice side they just take the piss.

I’ve just had similar, but embarrassingly, it was after a week of connecting with someone, completely unexpectedly. Very lengthy dates in which I felt more relaxed than I had in years, he felt the same, left with plans to meet up in the week and a message a few hours later saying he couldn’t deal with the anxiety of me having recently left a relationship.

I can say that out of the 18 month relationship I left recently, and this whirlwind romance, it’s the whirlwind that has knocked the stuffing out of me completely. And I think mostly because it makes you feel like the worst judge of character, and if you can’t trust someone who shows no red flags and you feel completely able to be yourself with, then can you be trusted in the world by yourself?!

I trust the judgement of the people in this thread who, guttingly for humanity, have suffered this offence before.

you have your integrity, and currently that seems like golddust.

You will be ok OP but it will take time. I spent years heartbroken after a breakup; people sometimes underestimate the toll it takes. In my case (this was a long time ago now) we had been together a few years, no kids, living together etc. I was sure he was the one! He went away for work and dumped me over text. I was an absolute mess for probably 2 years. To rub salt in the wound, he was in the public eye and I just saw him everywhere for about 5 years. After he left on the Friday, for his work trip, I never saw him in person again. I left on the Sunday with my stuff and walked away from my life there basically. He subsequently had a semi famous girlfriend aswell which was hard as I saw them in the media. All in all it was pretty brutal! But you do get over it with time. Be very kind to yourself. The advantage of breakups is you realise what is actually good for you- and it’s not someone who doesn’t want to spend their life with you or someone who makes shit choices. Have a look on here at how many threads are about useless men- choose wisely. Better to spend a couple of years waiting until you find a suitable partner who will enrich your life than spend 50 years with someone who makes your life a misery!!! Be kind to yourself and know your worth X

Can I ask gently did you only basically have 3 dates?

So sorry this has happened to you. Take a few days to grieve the relationship you were expecting to grow and develop further.
Don’t beat yourself up, I know it’s a bit of a cliche but it sounds like it’s definitely him and not you!
He sounds like someone who is unable to commit himself in any relationship (max of 6 months in previous relationships at the age of 42 is unusual), I suspect after he made the future plans with you (even at his own instigation) and the conversation about coming off OLD sites a few hours earlier he later started to panic and then fled. Nothing to do with you and sparks - he has commitment issues. Not your problem, better now than later.

The temptation to send him a big bottle of Listerine and a tongue scraper in the post would be overwhelming (a bit like his breath)

Sorry this happened OP. You did nothing wrong, he's just a shit x

My exact words were: 'it's so evil to toy with someone's feelings in such a callous manner' and I was empathising with @Getitgirl who has had a similar experience to mine. I acknowledge that the use of the word 'evil' may be a tad hyperbolic, but when you are on the receiving end, it does feel as though something really horrible had been done to you. I wasn't trying to suggest that the men in question were evil, although I do appreciate that my wording could be taken as that.

If you can happily handle casual sex with no emotional fall out @Boke , then I'm really pleased for you (and frankly jealous, because I can't, much as I would love to!). But that's not what @Getitgirl and I experienced, as we were lied to and manipulated.

I'm really grateful for your responses though @Boke , as you've gone to the trouble of replying and it's good to to hear different points of view

Did you only see him 3 times? I think if you become this emotionally involved with what is basically a stranger if you shag them you prob shouldn’t be shagging anyone. It doesn’t really sound healthy.

i mean he’s allowed to change his mind at any time. I actually think you’re falling in love and not being able to eat etc at this early stage is a real issue.

No - we saw each other on many occasions over the two months. And because of the distance, they were all long dates, as they involved overnight stays. So it wasn't some sort of fantasy relationship that I made up x

Hmmmm - very interesting @WitheringTights000 . I'm going to start channeling my inner bitch! Not sure that being 'the nice girl' really gets you anywhere with men x

The rancid breath was bad enough @CharlieUniformNovemberTangoYankee , but the horrific all night snoring was even worse. My poor cat was terrified!

Oh god, I've been lied to and manipulated too. I'm not immune. I've also gone right off guys as soon as I've slept with them, gone off them after a couple of dates etc. I guess I'm just older and wiser now and I know for sure that no one is worth losing your sanity over, especially not someone you only met 2 months ago. Keep a firm hold of your emotions and go slowly if you're prone to falling hard. Never dignify them with a response either. Certainly not snide responses, like your breath stinks. Stick your head up high and just move on.

We have all been there, believe me. 💐

Looking back though I always find that I and my mates usually dodged a bullet...!

Very sage advice @boke. And I definitely won't be replying to him. It's actually so wonderfully satisfying to be able to tell this fabulous thread about his stinky breath, that I don't feel any need to relay the information to him in person. I'll just think of his next victim recoiling when he breaths in her direction x

Him ripping off the plaster and not stringing you along, is a blessing, even if it doesn't feel like it right now.

He wasn't the one for you, there is no point reliving moments and things that were said or reading into his message. Don't reply. Just delete. Do something nice this weekend, and promise yourself you'll go into next week with him firmly in your past. Sending a hug x

My first thought was that he did like you, but his ex wants him back or he just found out she's having his baby. Something must've happened.

I wondered about this too. But do you really want a man with bad breath?!

You didn't do anything wrong.

Be glad that you got rid of him and his bad breath.

If I were you I would go out on more dates as soon as possible.

The worst thing you could do now is becoming a recluse and potentially missing out on someone really nice!

It's childish, but I always used to change their names in my phone to something I didn't like about them so I wasn't tempted to text/call them after. When "bog breath" texts you in 3-6 months you can laugh and delete.